<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Alternate Twilight (MxM) by mystical__wonders</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266988">Alternate Twilight (MxM)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystical__wonders/pseuds/mystical__wonders'>mystical__wonders</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:27:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>106,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystical__wonders/pseuds/mystical__wonders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A fanfic that I've been thinking about for a while.<br/>Twilight only gayer....threesomier...supernaturalier....mpregier and no helpless Bella...ier.</p>
<p>Just trust me.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Beau Swan, Edward Cullen/Jacob Black/Beau Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jacob Black/Edward Cullen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>217</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have no rights to this is just a fanfiction. </p>
<p>Characters, story etc. belongs to Stephenie Meyer.</p>
<p>The beginning will be pretty much from the book as I want to keep it to the original but I want to introduce my characters in through that way. If you get what I mean.</p>
<p>So don't shoot me. </p>
<p>Also, this will be a more adult version of twilight.</p>
<p>I've been thinking about this for a while and I'm hoping it will pull me out of my writing slump. I have a good few chapters written already so I'll probably upload every second or third day.</p>
<p>WARNING </p>
<p>There will be homosexuality</p>
<p>Sex</p>
<p>Themes of shitty mental health</p>
<p>Abuse</p>
<p>R*pe</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favourite shirt - sleeveless, white button V-neck; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.</p>
<p>In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.</p>
<p>It was to Forks that I now exiled myself- an action that I took with great trepidation. It was no secret that I detested Forks growing up. I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city. Though now the foreboding of the miserable rainy town seemed almost fitting.</p>
<p>"Beau," my mom said to me - the last of a thousand times - before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."</p>
<p>My mom looked at me and I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my delicate, erratic mother to fend for herself, after everything I put her trough? But it hurt both of us more to stay. Keeping secrets, trying to ignore and play along with her lies, the fake smiles the giant fucking elephant that followed us everywhere. Of course, she had her new husband of the month, Phil would care for her, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still...</p>
<p>"I want to go," I lied. I'd always been a bad liar, but was I even lying? I loved my mother, but the closer we got to the airport the easier I was able to breathe.</p>
<p>"Tell Charlie I said hi."</p>
<p>"I will."</p>
<p>"I'll see you soon," she insisted. "You can come home whenever you want -I'll come right back as soon as you need me."</p>
<p>But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise, I looked away trying to ignore the tightening in my throat.</p>
<p>"Don't worry about me," I urged, suddenly desperate to throw myself out of the car. "It'll be great. I love you, Mom."</p>
<p>She hugged me tightly for a minute not repeating back the words, and then I got on the plane, and she was gone.</p>
<p>It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back down to Forks. Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about.</p>
<p>Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence. He'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car.</p>
<p>But it was sure to be awkward with Charlie, I haven't seen him in over a year. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose, and I didn't know what there was to say regardless. I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision - like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks. His excitement and confusion made me feel a little better though. Made me hope he didn't know anything, and this year would be a fresh start.</p>
<p>Sure, I anticipated a few bumps and adjustment curves but nothing I couldn't handle. This was my mantra over the past few weeks.</p>
<p>When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen- just unavoidable. I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.</p>
<p>Charlie was waiting for me with the cruiser. This I was expecting, too. Charlie is Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks. My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.</p>
<p>Charlie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled my way off the plane.</p>
<p>"It's good to see you, Beau," he said, smiling as he automatically caught and steadied me.</p>
<p>Charlie is a very tall man. It's something I've always admired about him. When I was younger, I loved when he would lift me up high, I felt like I could conquer the world. It was a comforting memory to think of now, I let myself be pulled in by the illusion that Charlie was my saviour, that he would make everything better again. It was actually kind of strange now that I thought of it, to be looking up to him now. I was mere five-foot to his six-foot-something, that wasn't something that I thought would still be happening at the age of eighteen.</p>
<p>"You haven't changed much. How's Rene?"</p>
<p>"Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad."</p>
<p>I had only a few bags. Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington. My mom and I had pooled our resources to supplement my winter wardrobe, but it was still scanty. It all fit easily into the trunk of the cruiser.</p>
<p>"I found a good car for you, really cheap," he announced when we were strapped in.</p>
<p>"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you" as opposed to just "good car." But I was excited non the less, I wasn't expecting many cheap options in the small town of forks</p>
<p>"Well, it's a truck actually, a Chevy."</p>
<p>"Where did you find it?"</p>
<p>"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.</p>
<p>"Kind of"</p>
<p>"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted.</p>
<p>I nodded not quite recalling a face to the name.</p>
<p>"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."</p>
<p>"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn't ask.</p>
<p>"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine - it's only a few years old, really."</p>
<p>I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did he buy it?"</p>
<p>"He bought it in 1984, I think."</p>
<p>"Did he buy it new?"</p>
<p>"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties - or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly.</p>
<p>"Ch - Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic..."</p>
<p>"Really, Beau, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore."</p>
<p>The thing, I thought to myself... it had possibilities - as a nickname, at the very least.</p>
<p>"How cheap is cheap?" After all, that was the part I couldn't compromise on.</p>
<p>"Well, Kid, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.</p>
<p>Wow. "You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car."</p>
<p>"I don't mind. I want you to be happy here." He was looking ahead at the road when he said this. Charlie wasn't comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited that from him. So, I was looking straight ahead as I responded.</p>
<p>"That's really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it." I did. It's been a long time since someone had done something that considerate for me. I took a deep breath and noted how easier it was getting. I looked out the window a smile forming on my face, a hopeful smile. Maybe Forks is just what I need.</p>
<p>"Well, now, you're welcome," he mumbled, embarrassed by my thanks.</p>
<p>We exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for conversation. We stared out the windows in silence.</p>
<p>It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.</p>
<p>I longed to touch it. I wondered if the moss was as soft as it looked. The forest looked peaceful.</p>
<p>Eventually, we made it to Charlie's. He still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that he'd bought with my mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had - the early ones. There, parked on the street in front of the house that never changed, was my new - well, new to me - truck. It was a faded red colour, with big, rounded fenders and a bulbous cab. To my intense surprise, I loved it. I didn't know if it would run, but I could see myself in it. Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never gets damaged -the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.</p>
<p>"Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!" Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful. I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser.</p>
<p>"I'm glad you like it," Charlie said gruffly, embarrassed again.</p>
<p>It took only one trip to get all my stuff upstairs. I got the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had belonged to me since I was born. The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains around the window -these were all a part of my childhood. The only changes Charlie had ever made were switching the crib for a bed and adding a desk as I grew. The desk now held a second-hand computer, with the phone line for the modem stapled along the floor to the nearest phone jack. This was a stipulation from my mother so that we could stay in touch easily, though I wondered how long she would keep that preface up, I had no doubts that her breathing was getting just as easy as mine. The rocking chair from my baby days was still in the corner, It was all surprisingly comforting.</p>
<p>There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.</p>
<p>One of the best things about Charlie is he doesn't hover. He left me alone to unpack and get settled, a feat that would have been altogether impossible for my mother. It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime when I would have to think about the coming morning.</p>
<p>Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven - now fifty-eight - students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here had grown up together - their grandparents had been toddlers together.</p>
<p>I would be the new guy from the big city, a curiosity, a freak. That was all I needed. I wanted a new start. If I wanted all of this to work out, I would need to be smart. Maybe, if I looked like a guy from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be a tan, sporty, blond, jock or surfer, all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.</p>
<p>Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but lean muscles somehow, obviously not an athlete; maybe a morning jogger or swimmer. I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself without concentrating and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close. I tended to zone out a lot. The doctor said it was stress, yeah, no shit.</p>
<p>When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty - it was very clear, almost translucent-looking- but it all depended on colour. I haven't had any colour in a while now.</p>
<p>Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?</p>
<p>This was a small-town school, I was guessing there were a lot of conservative and traditional people here, maybe I shouldn't assume but I was nervous that they would take one look at my short slim form with dark black hair to my waist contrasting my pale skin and eyes and lips too big for my face to look masculine and find something to pick on and there goes my fresh start. Maybe I could just run away.</p>
<p>I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. It was hard in my situation to have something in common with someone. Living or dead.</p>
<p>I was always different. When I was younger my Mother thought it was cute, that I was speaking to my "imaginary friends" but eventually even she could not act ignorant to the fact that I knew things I shouldn't, start speaking languages that she could not teach me....I understand that she was afraid.</p>
<p>It got worse when ......well I guess before I hit puberty.... or well I should say when puberty hit me. I discovered the true reason I was experiencing this power. A spirit my grandmother that felt sorry for me since I was young taught me that I was an Incubus, she tried to teach me how to control myself for my own safety and others. Then when she realised that it was not as simple as that she taught me the ways of witchcraft that she had practised in her previous life in hopes that I could protect myself.</p>
<p>It wasn't easy being an object of sexual desire from a young age. People seemed to unconsciously know what I was before even I did and used it to their advantage. So, when I finally came into my powers the pain and anger didn't help my want to stop from draining the energy from the closest person. Not exactly something I could hide from my mother as a hysterical fourteen-year-old crying over a lifeless vessel after sprouting horns and a tail. I bet she still wonders why of all children in the world, hers had to be swapped it had to be me, that's what she thinks happened, she's never said anything though. But people don't really have to say anything to me. Feeling others energy is kind of my forte.</p>
<p>I needed to move on though. Need a fresh start, I kept chanting to myself. I can do it. Be normal. Act like I'm not hungry and want to feed on the sexual energy of everyone around me. Make friends. Get straight A's. you know normal stuff.</p>
<p>Just blend in. Live a normal life. Be a normal high school teenager. What other choice did I have? I'm all alone.</p>
<p>I didn't sleep that night, even after I was done crying. The constant whooshing of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn't fade into the background. My thoughts were ravenous, taunting me, my dreams nightmares causing me to wake up in a sweat several times. I pulled the faded old quilt over my head and later added the pillow, too. But I couldn't fall asleep and stayed awake staring at the ceiling listening to the rain finally settle into a quieter drizzle.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Charlie was not a man to hang around I noted. Once the clock struck 5:30 he was awake, reaching for his guilty pleasure, Marlboro red that he tried to hide from me. It was hard for people to have secrets around me, I could hear the resistance and ignition of the match on the side of the matchbox followed by the crackling of the flame. It was as loud as if I was doing it myself. The first sound to break the silence in the house since last night.</p><p>Charlies energy was strong. I could feel the change in it almost as if it was my own. He woke up feeling lust of course, it was rare a man didn't wake up hard, I flinched disgusted with myself, trying to pull back and Ignore. To my immense surprise, he dismissed it easily and was soon projecting pure happiness in my direction and thankfulness before he took his first pull of the cigarette and his energy lulled into a more relaxed and content state.</p><p>The tightness in my chest and tears were back, but not like they were before. This felt lighter somehow, and I was suddenly eager and filled with the courage to be here. Though he found it hard to show it Charlie truly loved me, I couldn't explain the feelings that gave me. I decided there and then that even if school turned out to be hell, I would do whatever I could to keep Charlie feeling like this.</p><p>Taking his cue, I waited until he was in the shower to get up and start to get ready. What does someone wear on their first day to a new school in forks? What would blend in well? What did everyone else wear? My hands began to shake, maybe this was not such a good idea. So many things could go wrong. How the fuck was I going to survive in a sea of horny teenagers?!</p><p>"Take a deep breath, calm yourself" Sarah the spirit that helped me through life that is my grandmother Charlie's mother, urged me.</p><p>"Easier said than done" I whispered through deep breaths.</p><p>"I know Kid, but we can't afford any screw-ups here"</p><p>"Wow, great speech, thanks for that vote of confidence"</p><p>"Don't be so dramatic brat. This is for your own good. Education is important"</p><p>"Pfft, sure. Maybe I can make my new home in the woods and become a spirit of the forest and feed on willing hikers"</p><p>Her laugh was boisterous a real witch's hackle, I rolled my eyes cheeks turning red at my outburst.</p><p>I could do it. Build my own little cabin surrounded by flowers and trees, find some waterfall for a shower....... talk to the animals.. steal books from the village people.</p><p>"Shut the fuck up Beau and go get dressed!" she laughed waving a hand over my unpacked bag pulling out a few items before she disappeared.</p><p>I walked to the bed and trying not to overthink anything before I started to panic I put on the black jeans, white tee and grey oversized hoodie, with a blue denim jacket that was way too big for me I choose after glancing out the window, and of course, my pentagram necklace that had a charm to hide my not so human parts.</p><p>Looking In the mirror in the bathroom while brushing my teeth. I was comfortable but I looked like I was drowning in my clothes trying to be some tough guy but really just looked like some little uke trying too hard. I sighed before deciding to tie back my hair into a "man bun" on top of my head and ran downstairs before I overthought it.</p><p>Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event, I think he sensed how nervous I was and left me to my thoughts. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me. Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family. After he left, I sat at the old square oak table in one of the three unmatching chairs and examined his small kitchen, with its dark panelled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor. Nothing was changed. My mother had painted the cabinets eighteen years ago in an attempt to bring some sunshine into the house. Over the small fireplace in the adjoining handkerchief-sized family room was a row of pictures. First a wedding picture of Charlie and my mom in Las Vegas, then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of my school pictures up to last year's.</p><p>It was kind of sad the more I looked and I felt the guilt claw at me when I thought about how Charlie was living here alone all of these years, sitting looking at these reminders of a broken family that lived miles away from him. He was alone. I guess we were the same in a lot of ways.</p><p>I always wondered if Charlie had some sort of abilities. How amazing would it be to have that in common, to have someone else? Maybe it was why his energy ran so strong and deep. Maybe he interpreted it as his cop intuition like mine manifested into diabetes. If that's true, it's clear who got the shit end of that stick.</p><p>I didn't want to be too early for school, but I couldn't stay in the house anymore. I snatched my umbrella and headed out into the rain.</p><p>It was just drizzling still, not enough to soak me through immediately as I reached for the house key that was always hidden under the eaves by the door and locked up. The sloshing of my new waterproof boots was unnerving. I missed the normal crunch of gravel as I walked. I couldn't pause and admire my truck again as I wanted; I was in a hurry to get out of the misty wet that swirled around my head and clung to my hair under my hood.</p><p>Inside the truck, it was nice and dry. Either Billy or Charlie had obviously cleaned it up, but the tan upholstered seats still smelled faintly of tobacco, gasoline, and peppermint, it was familiar. The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling at top volume. Well, a truck this old was bound to have a flaw. The antique radio worked, a plus that I hadn't expected.</p><p>Finding the school wasn't difficult, though I'd never been there before. The school was, like most other things, just off the highway. It was not obvious that it was a school; only the sign, which declared it to be the Forks High School, made me stop. It looked like a collection of matching houses, built with maroon-coloured bricks. There were so many trees and shrubs I couldn't see its size at first. Where was the feel of the institution? I wondered nostalgically. Where were the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?</p><p>I parked in front of the first building, which had a small sign over the door reading front office. No one else was parked there, so I was sure it was off-limits, but I decided I would get directions inside instead of circling around in the rain like an idiot. I stepped unwillingly out of the toasty truck cab and walked down a little stone path lined with dark hedges. I took a deep breath before opening the door. Inside, it was brightly lit, and warm which was nice. Though the cold did not bother me, the warmth was still comforting. The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots as if there wasn't enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly coloured flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was manned by a large, red-haired woman wearing glasses. She was wearing a purple t-shirt, which immediately made me feel overdressed.</p><p>The red-haired woman looked up. "Can I help you?"</p><p>"I'm Beau Swan," I informed her and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Son of the Chief's flighty ex-wife has come home at last. So much for blending in.</p><p>"Of course," she said. She dug through a precariously stacked pile of documents on her desk till she found the ones she was looking for. "I have your schedule right here, and a map of the school." She brought several sheets to the counter to show me.</p><p>She went through my classes for me, highlighting the best route to each on the map, and gave me a slip to have each teacher sign, which I was to bring back at the end of the day. She smiled at me and hoped, like Charlie, that I would like it here in Forks. I smiled back as convincingly as I could hoping that there would be truth in her words but It was hard to remain positive with the swarm of hornets that were making their home in my stomach.</p><p>When I went back out to my truck, other students were starting to arrive. I drove around the school, following the line of traffic. I was glad to see that most of the cars were older like mine, nothing flashy. At home, I'd lived in one of the few lower-income neighbourhoods that were included in the Paradise Valley District. It was a common thing to see a new Mercedes or Porsche in the student lot. The nicest car here was a shiny Volvo, and it stood out. Still, I cut the engine as soon as I was in a spot so that the thunderous volume wouldn't draw attention to me.</p><p>I looked at the map in the truck, trying to memorize it now; hopefully, I wouldn't have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed everything in my bag, slung the strap over my shoulder, and sucked in a huge breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me and hopefully, I would be able to resist the temptation of eating anyone else, I am a normal human being going to my first day in a new school. I finally exhaled and stepped out of the truck.</p><p>I kept my face pulled back into my hood as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded with teenagers. My plain denim jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief.</p><p>Once I got around the cafeteria, building three was easy to spot. A large black "3" was painted on a white square on the east corner. I felt my breathing gradually creeping toward hyperventilation as I approached the door. I tried holding my breath as I followed two unisex raincoats through the door.</p><p>The classroom was small. The people in front of me stopped just inside the door to hang up their coats on a long row of hooks. I copied them, hanging up my over black rain jacket, reluctant to pull off the hood and finally show my face. They were two girls, one a porcelain-coloured blonde, the other also pale, with light brown hair. At least my skin wouldn't be a standout here. Though even they were taller than me I thought with dismay, you would think I'd be used to it by now.</p><p>I took the slip up to the teacher, a tall, balding man whose desk had a nameplate identifying him as Mr. Mason. He gawked at me when he saw my name - not an encouraging response - and of course, I flushed tomato red. At least he sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they managed. I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything. That was comforting... and boring. I wondered if my mom would send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating. I went through different arguments with her in my head while the teacher droned on. Would she even want to talk to me now that I was away and she didn't have to maintain her caring parent routine. I had no doubts that she was enjoying her freedom from my....complexity. If that's what yah want to call it.</p><p>When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me.</p><p>"You're Beau Swan, aren't you?" He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.</p><p>"Yeah," I smiled in an attempt to not freak out that someone was, in fact, talking to me, not that I thought people would not talk to me today or that I have never spoken to people it's just.....I don't even know. My panic and thoughts for today were irrational, I have no excuse. It didn't help though that everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me.</p><p>"Where's your next class?" he asked.</p><p>I had to check in my bag despite my previous attempt to memorise everything so this wouldn't happen, my face flushed. "Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six."</p><p>There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes.</p><p>"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way..." Definitely over-helpful, I didn't mind though it was nice to be approached instead of walking around awkwardly and overthinking about what people were thinking about me. With my state of nerves, there is no way I would be able to approach anyone and you know, just blend in.</p><p>"I'm Eric," he added interrupting my overthinking internal rant.</p><p>I smiled tentatively. "Thanks."</p><p>We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop. But that was probably the paranoia, humans couldn't hear from that far away, right?</p><p>"So, this is a lot different than Phoenix, huh?" he asked.</p><p>"Very."</p><p>"It doesn't rain much there, does it?"</p><p>"Three or four times a year."</p><p>"Wow, what must that be like?" he wondered.</p><p>"Sunny," I told him, then feeling awkward because I felt like I was being rude with the short answers. Charlie and I might be similar, but teenagers are usually talkative. I started to panic feeling like I was doing everything wrong.</p><p>"You don't look very tan."</p><p>"My mother is part albino." I made an attempt at a joke.</p><p>He studied my face apprehensively and laughed lightly after noticing my half-smile.</p><p>We walked back around the cafeteria, to the south buildings by the gym. Eric walked me right to the door, though it was clearly marked.</p><p>"Well, good luck," he said as I touched the handle. "Maybe we'll have some other classes together." He sounded hopeful.</p><p>I smiled at him feeling myself loosening up a bit, maybe today wouldn't be too bad after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of the morning passed in about the same fashion. My Trigonometry teacher, Mr. Varner, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject he taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat. I take back everything I said and want to go home and sulk like a big baby but once I got to my seat I talked myself out of my embarrassing fit and calmed the fuck down. Though if it happened again or if anyone laughed I would have most definitely hidden in the bathrooms for the rest of the day.</p><p>After two classes, I started to recognize several of the faces in each class. There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me questions about how I was liking Forks. I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot. At least I never needed the map.</p><p>One girl sat next to me in both Trig and Spanish, and she walked with me to the cafeteria for lunch. She was small, well to others I guess she was about an inch taller than me, but that inch was mostly her wildly curly dark hair which was pretty beautiful. I couldn't remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes. She seemed nice but her energy seemed self-centred in a way that made me kind of uncomfortable. Though while she was talking I lectured myself about the fact that this was something I should have not known and cannot judge her for, everyone is different but since it is focused on me and I do have these powers.....</p><p>We sat at the end of a full table with several of her friends, who she introduced to me. I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them, my nerves it seems have still not completely left. They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me. The boy from English, Eric, waved at me from across the room, I waved back with a small smile. His kindness did not seem selfish.</p><p>It was there, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to make conversation with seven curious strangers, that I first saw them.</p><p>They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them. They weren't gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.</p><p>They looked like ghosts. In fact, I thought they were. Their energy felt similar to the energy of spirits that I have been seeing as long as I could remember so really I was not surprised, maybe these were spirits that had died in the school and continued to live here until they found their purpose. Or perhaps unfinished business. I thought of countless possibilities but the more I thought about it the more suspicious it seemed. They were pale like ghosts and moved like the dead and nobody was even acknowledging their presence or even glanced at the table that hosted these otherworldly beautiful spirits.</p><p>They didn't look anything alike. Of the three boys, one was big - muscled like a serious weightlifter, with dark, curly hair. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and honey blond. The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-coloured hair. He was more boyish than the others, who looked like they could be in college, or even could they have been spirits of past teachers here rather than students.</p><p>The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. The short girl was pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction.</p><p>And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale the same that spirits usually had though theirs did seem a touch less translucent. Their noses, all their features, were straight, perfect, angular.</p><p>They were all looking away - away from each other, away from the other students, away from anything in particular as far as I could tell, something that some spirits did who were lost and unsure, lost in thought of a life lost or never lived. As I watched, the small girl rose with her tray -unopened soda, unbitten apple - and walked away with a quick, graceful lope that belonged on a runway, was the tray in spirit form as well? My eyes darted back to the others, who sat unchanging.</p><p>I was staring too long, I knew that but why was nobody sitting at that table? Was there a rule not to sit there? Did they also sense the energy there? Why were there lunch trays of uneaten food there? How did the spirit move hers? Why was their energy projecting.....boredom? I was thinking of a way to ask about the table when the girl from my Spanish class must have noticed my stare and giggled.</p><p>"They are the Cullen's" She whispered to me looking directly at the table.</p><p>My heart stopped and then began to gallop in fright. She could see them too?!?!?!?!</p><p>I looked back following her gaze thinking she meant another table but no she was looking directly at them and suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps. He looked at my neighbour for just a fraction of a second, and then his dark eyes flickered to mine.</p><p>He looked away quickly, more quickly than I could not that I was trying, I was more preoccupied with trying not to let my heart jump out of my chest or my jaw hit the floor still engrossed with the possibility that everyone else could see these spirits. In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest - it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer. His energy shifted from boredom to awareness as if the boy knew that we were speaking about him.</p><p>My neighbour giggled looking at the table, embarrassed for getting caught.</p><p>"That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife." She said this under her breath.</p><p>She just named out the exact amount of people at the table and having a quick glance around the canteen there was no other table that had five people minus one sitting at it.</p><p>I was struggling with the fact that these people were real.</p><p>I glanced sideways at the beautiful boy, who was looking at his tray now, picking a bagel to pieces with long, pale fingers. His mouth was moving very quickly, his perfect lips barely opening. The other three still looked away, and yet I felt he was speaking quietly to them.</p><p>What the fuck was happening.</p><p>Strange, unpopular names, I thought. The kinds of names grandparents had. But maybe that was in vogue here - small town names? I finally remembered that my neighbour was called Jessica, a perfectly common name. There were two girls named Jessica in my history class in Phoenix.</p><p>"They are... very nice-looking." I struggled with the words to say aloud to this human to pour my questions and observations without asking.</p><p>"Yes!" Jessica agreed with another giggle. "They're all together though - Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice, I mean. And they live together." Her voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town, I thought critically. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Phoenix, it would cause gossip.</p><p>"Which ones are the Cullen's?" I asked. "They don't look related..."</p><p>I wanted her to speak more about these Cullen's. I was still not one hundred per cent sure that they were really here. Maybe I could decipher some of my questions from her words...</p><p>"Oh, they're not. Dr. Cullen is really young, in his twenties or early thirties. They're all adopted. The Hales are brother and sister, twins - the blondes - and they're foster children."</p><p>"They look a little old for foster children."</p><p>"They are now, Jasper and Rosalie are both eighteen, but they've been with Mrs. Cullen since they were eight. She's their aunt or something like that." Parents? There was more? Doctor?</p><p>"That's really kind of nice - for them to take care of all those kids like that when they're so young and everything."</p><p>"I guess so," Jessica admitted reluctantly, and I got the impression that she didn't like the doctor and his wife for some reason. With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy. "I think that Mrs. Cullen can't have any kids, though," she added, as if that lessened their kindness, her statement brought me back to my selfish observations.</p><p>Throughout all this conversation, my eyes flickered again and again to the table where the strange family sat. They continued to look at the walls and not eat. There was something... Maybe they were spirits but.... Poltergeists? A manifestation of a physical form?</p><p>"Have they always lived in Forks?" I asked. Surely, I would have noticed them on one of my summers here.</p><p>"No," she said in a voice that implied it should be obvious, even to a new arrival like me. "They just moved down two years ago from somewhere in Alaska." I guess that could maybe give a reason for their pale skin. Or albino genes? I don't know maybe I'm too used to the sunny coast. That didn't explain their energy though.</p><p>As I examined them, the youngest, one of the Cullen's, looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in his expression. I held his gaze too curious to look away from these .......beings, it seemed to me that his glance held some kind of unmet expectation.</p><p>"Which one is the boy with the reddish-brown hair?" I asked looking back at her not wanting to draw attention to myself by having a staredown with a very powerful poltergeist ghost. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today - he had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked down again feeling my cheeks begin to flush under his stare.</p><p>"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course. He doesn't date. Apparently, none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he'd turned her down.</p><p>I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted, as if he were smiling, too. Could he hear us?!?! Fascinating.</p><p>After a few more minutes, the four of them left the table together. They all were noticeably graceful - even the big, brawny one. It was unsettling to watch. The one named Edward didn't look at me again. I was brimming with curiosity. I wanted to know more. Were they spirits? Were they like me? Or was the stress of my new beginning getting to me and was I losing my mind? Was I finally having a complete mental breakdown? Maybe they were just pretty and pale.</p><p>I sat at the table with Jessica and her friends longer than I would have if I'd been sitting alone, I tried to engage in the conversation, but I knew my mind was not completely in it. I was anxious not to be late for class on my first day. I was trying not to think about it all day but as the initial buzz died down in the cafeteria, I realised that my lunch was not really satisfying my hunger. I gulped trying not to look around noticing the permeable essence of lusty teenagers in the air.</p><p>I stood up eager to distract my thoughts and run to class. One of my new acquaintances joined me, who considerately reminded me that her name was Angela, had Biology II with me the next hour. We walked to class together in silence. She was shy, too. Her energy was soothing from the zealous crowd, kind and peaceful, yet shy. I liked being in her presence, she was a genuine person.</p><p>When we entered the classroom, Angela gave me a small apologetic smile then went to sit at a black-topped lab table exactly like the ones I was used to. She already had a neighbour. In fact, all the tables were filled but one. Next to the centre aisle, I recognized Edward Cullen by his unusual hair, sitting next to that single open seat. My mind was ravenous with questions. I wonder if he could sense something off about me? Was that why he was looking at me curiously or was that simply because I was the new guy.</p><p>As I walked down the aisle to introduce myself to the teacher and get my slip signed, I was watching him surreptitiously. Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat. He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face - it was hostile, furious. I looked away quickly, shocked, going red again. I stumbled over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table. The girl sitting there giggled.</p><p>I'd noticed that his eyes were black - coal black.</p><p>Mr. Banner signed my slip and handed me a book with no-nonsense about introductions. I could tell we were going to get along. Of course, he had no choice but to send me to the one open seat in the middle of the room. I kept my eyes down as I went to sit by him, bewildered by the antagonistic stare he'd given me.</p><p>I didn't look up as I set my book on the table and took my seat, but I saw his posture change from the corner of my eye. He was leaning away from me, sitting on the extreme edge of his chair and averting his face like he smelled something bad.</p><p>I was so confused. What the hell just fucking happened. Without thinking I reached for his energy to try understanding his reaction and instantly wished I hadn't. The hunger I felt in the cafeteria hit me with a vengeance that I had never felt before. My legs went weak and the room spun around me once I started, I could not pull my energy back from his, the hunger and desire that filled me was unparalleled to anything I had ever experienced. I had no control over my body other than to slump over the desk and let my head fell into my hands.</p><p>Not today! I couldn't draw any attention to myself. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted this man. More than anything in my life I wanted to jump across the small space and have a taste. I felt like I was seconds from falling to the floor and going into a full-on heat. I was mortified! Frustrated that I couldn't control myself I felt my eyes tear up in frustration. Why me?! On the first day of my new beginning.</p><p>The pain! Oh god, the pain. My breath came out in gasps. Unable to cope with the unprecedented amount of pain my body was being forced to endure.</p><p>Maybe I could just do it. Fuck it. Lure him out of class, drain him in the hallway. The school was so small I doubt they had security cameras and if they did that was easily taken care of. It has been so long since I've fed! How could I have been so stupid to let it come to this? </p><p>Edward Cullen was going to die. Ghost or not. It wouldn't be hard. He would follow me if I wanted him. It's not like people in school paid him much attention. In fact, they avoided him like the plague.</p><p>But I kept thinking of Charlie. He was a Sheriff for fuck sake he would find the body! I already went through living with a parent that knew her son was a murderer could I do it again? Lose another parent? The last of my family? Would Sophie forgive me for putting her son through that?</p><p>I wanted to scream or cry either one would be better than this, the pain!! I didn't want this!</p><p>My stomach was clawing at me like a thousand branding knives were clawing and burning my insides.</p><p>I held my thighs together mortified, my body reacting...pushing for what it desperately wanted......needed. </p><p>I just wanted it to stop. I needed to get out of here. But it was my first day! I wanted this to be a new beginning I wanted to go through a whole ass day without wanting ....gah!!!</p><p>I couldn't do it, I couldn't kill him it wasn't his fault, how could he even. I had to go. Go or kill him. Go or kill him. Go or kill him. Go or kill him.</p><p>Maybe after class. When there's nobody watching or there to witness this. </p><p>"Beau? Beau Swan?" a gruff voice came from my right.</p><p>Using every bit of will power I had I looked up at Mr. Banner looking as week as possible.</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>I wanted to scream and cry at him to save me or leave me alone to endure this torture or pursue my desire. Maybe When night falls... but by some miracle, I managed to mumble "I'm sorry Mr. Banner but I'm not feeling too well."</p><p>I noticed the acceptance in his eyes. All of the staff must know that I am a diabetic, Charlie must have warned them. Yeah, ha ha a diabetic Incubus but that was how my hunger and starving myself manifested in my human body. I was thankful for it sometimes. When I stayed fed properly it was gone but when I was starving myself like this of course there would be consequences.</p><p>"Mike" Mr. Banner called on a student in class thank the god's it was not Edward "Please take Beau to the nurse's office"</p><p>Thankfully all of this happened in seconds and I was only vaguely aware of a boy way taller than me putting his hand around my waist and half carrying me out of class. My head only reached his chest and it took everything in me not to turn around and nuzzle into this stranger's chest like some whore and beg him to take me. To feed off his teenage hormones despite his sexuality, I stifled a sob disgusted with myself and succumbed to the darkness clouding my vision to get away from the pain.</p><p>I came to in the nurse's office just as she was injecting me with glucagon indicating that my sugars went so low, I passed out and needed it to release my body's store of sugars. It was how my powers manifested in a human way when I got so hungry my sugars went low and I would pass out well that was only when it was really bad when I was just usually hungry I would get tired or dizzy.</p><p>When I fed too much it was like when my sugars went too high and I would act drunk and sometimes tired.</p><p>When I was laying on the table waiting for my body to reboot everything came back to me like a punch in the ribs. What the fuck. I froze in shock. What was that? How ...how did.....why was I that desperate?! Why could I not control myself?!?! That has never happened to me before!!! I could feel my eyes begin to sting. Was I actually going to kill him if I didn't resist!? After all, I promised Charlie and myself. What is wrong with me?</p><p>"Beau?" a male voice asked.</p><p>I looked to the right of the bed in the nurse's office to see a cute, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled into orderly spikes, smiling at me in a friendly way.</p><p>"I'm Mike." He introduced himself cheeks darkening, and he listed his hand to rub his neck in awkwardness.</p><p>I used my dulled senses to my advantage not daring to try to see how this boy was feeling. Maybe I would want to fucking kill him too.</p><p>"Hi, Mike." I smiled apologetically "I'm sorry. I don't really remember what happened, but it must have been embarrassing. Some first day."</p><p>"No, no!" he was quick to assure me "Not going to lie that was kind of scary, lucky you were not awake to see that big ass injection you just got"</p><p>Surprisingly after everything that happened, I laughed. It was a relief.</p><p>"I kind of woke up during that part"</p><p>"Ouch" he winced</p><p>"It's okay" I chuckled at his reaction "It was just glucagon. I'm guessing my sugars went low"</p><p>"Oh. You're a diabetic?"</p><p>"Yeah"</p><p>"Oh. My grandad is too. I don't know how ye do it. Injections every day" he shivered dramatically.</p><p>"It's not for the week" I joked.</p><p>"Heyy!" he wined amused.</p><p>I laughed; he was one of the nicest people I've met today. It was nice to laugh after today...this week...month..year...s.</p><p>"So, did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil or what? I've never seen him act like that."</p><p>I cringed. So I wasn't the only one who had noticed. And, apparently, that wasn't Edward Cullen's usual behaviour. I decided to play dumb.</p><p>"Was that the boy I sat next to in Biology?" I asked artlessly.</p><p>"Yes," he said. "He looked like he was in pain or something."</p><p>"I don't know," I responded. "I never spoke to him."</p><p>"He's a weird guy." Mike lingered by me instead of heading to the dressing room. "If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have talked to you."</p><p>I blushed at the possible interest he was showing. Ah, Mike, I'm not someone you want to be interested in even if you do swing this way.</p><p>"Beau Swan" a baritone voice interrupted us and I looked up at the ebony god in front of us that I would have never guessed was the school nurse. Yeah, I know anyone can be a nurse but come on this was a school in the middle of nowhere that I expected your typical anime cute delicate female nurse with big boobs.....I....don't even know where I'm going with this.</p><p>"My name is Drake Morrison, I guess I'll be seeing a lot of you over the next year or so"</p><p>I blushed deeply feeling like I was being reprimanded.</p><p>"Sorry about that Mr. Morrison. That's never happened before. Usually, I feel it before it comes on. I guess I was so nervous for today I never noticed I didn't eat much"</p><p>He nodded in understanding "You can call me Drake. Lucky your dad left me in some supplies in case of an emergency. You seem good now, but I called your Dad he signed you out and is waiting outside"</p><p>Shit. Of course, I had to bother him on my first day.</p><p>I nodded in thanks pulling myself up off the bed feeling a little shaky.</p><p>Drake steadied me and I looked up at him in amazement standing up noting that he was almost two foot taller than me he chuckled looking down and I could hear Mike laughing behind me.</p><p>I blushed looking back down at my feet.</p><p>Drake chuckled and said goodbye making me promise to come back whenever there was something wrong.</p><p>"Wow, man. He could fucking crush you" Mike blurted still laughing.</p><p>I glared at him blushing not really knowing what to say to that and he laughed walking the opposite direction "See you tomorrow Swan. You owe me" He sang teasingly.</p><p>I walked slowly to the office to return my paperwork before I went out to Charlie. The rain had drifted away, but the wind was strong and colder. I wrapped my arms around myself.</p><p>When I walked into the warm office, I almost turned around and ran back out. But I was stuck in place, shocked once again by the feelings that overcame me.</p><p>Edward Cullen stood at the desk in front of me. I recognized again that tousled bronze hair. He didn't appear to notice the sound of my entrance. I stood pressed against the back wall, waiting for the receptionist to be free, trying to will myself to ignore it. Be normal.</p><p>He was arguing with her in a low, attractive voice. I quickly picked up the gist of the argument. He was trying to trade from sixth-hour Biology to another time - any other time.</p><p>I just couldn't believe that this was about me. It had to be something else, something that happened before I entered the Biology room. The look on his face must have been about another aggravation entirely. It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike to me, but then if he left that would help me.</p><p>Did he feel the same about me? Did he pick up on my feelings?</p><p>The door opened again, and the cold wind suddenly gusted through the room, rustling the papers on the desk, swirling my hair around my face. The girl who came in merely stepped to the desk, placed a note in the wire basket, and walked out again. But Edward Cullen's back stiffened, and he turned slowly to glare at me - his face was absurdly handsome - with piercing, hate-filled eyes. For an instant, I felt a thrill of genuine fear, raising the hair on my arms. The look only lasted a second, but it chilled me more than the freezing wind. He turned back to the receptionist.</p><p>"Never mind, then," he said hastily in a voice like velvet. "I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help." And he turned on his heel without another look at me and disappeared out the door.</p><p>I went meekly to the desk, my face white for once instead of red, and handed her the signed slip.</p><p>"How did your first day go, dear?" the receptionist asked maternally.</p><p>"Fine," I lied, my voice weak. She didn't look convinced.</p><p>I walked out to the car in a daze, overwhelmed, dreading it thinking Charlie would be mad at me.</p><p>But smiling thinking that I made myself at least one possible friend today, despite everything else.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep.</p><p>High school.</p><p>Or was purgatory the right word? If there was any way to atone for my sins, this ought to count toward the tally in some measure. The tedium was not something I grew used to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.</p><p>I suppose this was my form of sleep-if sleep was defined as the inert state between active periods.</p><p>I stared at the cracks running through the plaster in the far corner of the cafeteria, imagining patterns into them that were not there. It was one way to tune out the voices that babbled like the gush of a river inside my head.</p><p>Several hundred of these voices I ignored out of boredom.</p><p>When it came to the human mind, I'd heard it all before and then some. Today, all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small student body here. It took so little to work them all up. I'd seen the new face repeated in thought after thought from every angle. Just an ordinary human boy. The excitement over his arrival was tiresomely predictable-like flashing a shiny object at a child. Half the sheep-like females were already imagining themselves in love with him, surprisingly even some of the males, just because he was something new to look at. I tried harder to tune them out.</p><p>Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste: my family, my two brothers and two sisters, who were so used to the lack of privacy in my presence that they rarely gave it a thought. I gave them what privacy I could. I tried not to listen if I could help it.</p><p>Try as I may, still...I knew.</p><p>Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself. She'd caught sight of her profile in the reflection off someone's glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection.</p><p>Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool with few surprises.</p><p>Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match he'd lost to Jasper during the night. It would take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate a rematch. I never really felt intrusive hearing Emmett's thoughts, because he never thought one thing that he would not say aloud or put into action.</p><p>Perhaps I only felt guilty reading the others' minds because I knew there were things there that they wouldn't want me to know. If Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool, then Emmett's was a lake with no shadows, glass clear.</p><p>And Jasper was...suffering. I suppressed a sigh.</p><p>'Edward' Alice called my name in her head and had my attention at once.</p><p>It was just the same as having my name called aloud. I was glad my given name had fallen out of style lately-it had been annoying; anytime anyone thought of any Edward, my head would turn automatically...</p><p>My head didn't turn now. Alice and I were good at these private conversations.</p><p>It was rare that anyone caught us. I kept my eyes on the lines in the plaster.</p><p>'How is he holding up?' She asked me.</p><p>I frowned, just a small change in the set of my mouth. Nothing that would tip the others off. I could easily be frowning out of boredom.</p><p>Alice's mental tone was alarmed now, and I saw in her mind that she was watching Jasper in her peripheral vision. 'Is there any danger?' She searched ahead, into the immediate future, skimming through visions of monotony for the source behind my frown.</p><p>I turned my head slowly to the left as if looking at the bricks of the wall, sighed, and then to the right, back to the cracks in the ceiling. Only Alice knew I was shaking my head.</p><p>She relaxed.' Let me know if it gets too bad.'</p><p>I moved only my eyes, up to the ceiling above, and back down.</p><p>'Thanks for doing this.'</p><p>I was glad I couldn't answer her aloud. What would I say? 'My pleasure'? It was hardly that. I didn't enjoy listening to Jasper's struggles. Was it really necessary to experiment like this? Wouldn't the safer path be to just admit that he might never be able to handle the thirst the way the rest of us could, and not push his limits? Why flirt with disaster?</p><p>It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip. That was not an immensely difficult time span for the rest of us. A little uncomfortable occasionally-if a human walked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way. But humans rarely walked too close.</p><p>Their instincts told them what their conscious minds would never understand: we were dangerous.</p><p>Jasper was very dangerous right now.</p><p>At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours, stopping to talk to a friend.</p><p>She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers through it. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made me feel-the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatic tightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth...</p><p>This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with the feelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper's reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than just mine.</p><p>Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it-picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the little girl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and letting his lips touch the arch of her throat.</p><p>Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth...</p><p>I kicked his chair.</p><p>He met my gaze for a minute, and then looked down. I could hear shame and rebellion war in his head.</p><p>"Sorry," Jasper muttered.</p><p>I shrugged.</p><p>"You weren't going to do anything," Alice murmured to him, soothing his chagrin. "I could see that."</p><p>I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away. We had to stick together, Alice and I. It wasn't easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future. Both freaks among those who were already freaks.</p><p>We protected each other's secrets.</p><p>"It helps a little if you think of them as people," Alice suggested her high, musical voice too fast for human ears to understand if any had been close enough to hear. "Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adores. Her mother invited Esme to that garden party, do you remember?"</p><p>"I know who she is," Jasper said curtly. He turned away to stare out one of the small windows that were spaced just under the eaves around the long room. His tone ended the conversation.</p><p>He would have to hunt tonight. It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying to test his strength, to build his endurance. Jasper should just accept his limitations and work within them. His former habits were not conducive to our chosen lifestyle; he shouldn't push himself in this way.</p><p>Alice sighed silently and stood, taking her tray of food, her prop, as it were-with her and leaving him alone. She knew when he'd had enough of her encouragement.</p><p>Though Rosalie and Emmett were more flagrant about their relationship, it was Alice and Jasper who knew each other's every mood as well as their own. As if they could read minds, too-only just each others.</p><p>'Edward Cullen.'</p><p>Reflex reaction. I turned to the sound of my name being called, though it wasn't being called, just thought.</p><p>My eyes locked for a small portion of a second with a pair of wide, forest-green human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face. I knew the face, though I'd never seen it myself before this moment. It had been foremost in every human head today. The new student, Beau Swan. Son of the town's chief of police brought to live here by some new custody situation.</p><p>I looked away, bored. It took me a second to realize that he had not been the one to think my name.</p><p>'Of course, he's already crushing on the Cullen's' I heard the first thought continue.</p><p>Now I recognized the 'voice.' Jessica Stanley-it had been a while since she'd bothered me with her internal chatter. What a relief it had been when she'd gotten over her misplaced infatuation. It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant, ridiculous daydreams. I'd wished, at the time, that I could explain to her exactly what would have happened if my lips, and the teeth behind them, had gotten anywhere near her. That would have silenced those annoying fantasies. The thought of her reaction almost made me smile.</p><p>'A fat lot of good it will do him', Jessica went on.' Rosalie and Alice are already taken. Unless he plays for the other team... hmm... now that I think about it he is one of those small cute types. He even has the long hair though it's in a bun I wonder how long it really is... and well he hasn't really shown an interest in me so far. He's hot, short though. Not like Mike.'</p><p>She winced mentally on the last name. Her new infatuation, the generically popular Mike Newton, was completely oblivious to her. This put a mean edge to Jessica's thoughts, though she was outwardly cordial to the newcomer as she explained to him the commonly held knowledge about my family. The new student must have asked about us.</p><p>'Everyone's looking at me today, too', Jessica thought smugly in an aside.' Isn't it lucky Beau had two classes with me...maybe Mike will want to ask me what he's-'</p><p>I tried to block the inane chatter out of my head before the petty and the trivial could drive me mad.</p><p>"Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan boy all the dirty laundry on the Cullen clan," I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.</p><p>He chuckled under his breath. 'I hope she's making it good,' he thought.</p><p>"Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce of horror. I'm a little disappointed."</p><p>'And the new kid? Is he disappointed in the gossip as well?'</p><p>I listened to hear what this new student, Beau, thought of Jessica's story. What did he see when he looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universally avoided?</p><p>It was sort of my responsibility to know his reaction. I acted as a lookout, for lack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, I could give us early warning and an easy retreat. It happened occasionally-some human with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie. Usually, they got it wrong, but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny.</p><p>Very, very rarely, someone would guess right. We didn't give them a chance to test their hypothesis.</p><p>We simply disappeared, to become no more than a frightening memory...</p><p>I heard nothing, though I listened close beside where Jessica's frivolous internal monologue continued to gush. It was as if there was no one sitting beside her. How peculiar, had the boy moved?</p><p>That didn't seem likely, as Jessica was still babbling to him.</p><p>I looked up to check, feeling off-balance. Checking on what my extra 'hearing' could tell me it wasn't something I ever had to do.</p><p>Again, my gaze locked on those same wide green eyes. He was sitting right where he had been before, and looking at us, a natural thing to be doing, I supposed, as Jessica was still regaling him with the local gossip about the Cullen's.</p><p>Thinking about us, too, would be natural.</p><p>But I couldn't hear a whisper.</p><p>Inviting warm red stained his cheeks but he didn't look down like someone usually would, away from the embarrassing gaffe of getting caught staring at a stranger, maybe he was extremely shocked by the news he was receiving. It was good that Jasper was still gazing out the window. I didn't like to imagine what that easy pooling of blood would do to his control.</p><p>The emotions had been as clear on his face as if they were spelt out in words across his forehead: surprise, as he unknowingly absorbed the signs of the subtle differences between his kind and mine, curiosity, as he listened to Jessica's tale, and something more...fascination? It wouldn't be the first time. We were beautiful to them, our intended prey. Then, finally, embarrassment as I caught him staring at me. But still, he didn't look away.</p><p>And yet, though his thoughts had been so clear in his odd eyes-odd, because of the depth to them; green eyes often seemed flat in colour a muddy green rarely this bright forest green-I could hear nothing but silence from the place he was sitting. Nothing at all.</p><p>I felt a moment of unease.</p><p>This was nothing I'd ever encountered before. Was there something wrong with me? I felt exactly the same as I always did. Worried, I listened harder.'</p><p>All the voices I'd been blocking were suddenly shouting in my head.</p><p>'...wonder what music he likes...maybe I could mention that new CD...' Mike Newton was thinking, two tables away curious about Beau Swan.</p><p>'...so disgusting. You'd think he was famous or something... Even Edward Cullen, staring... 'Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should be dark jade in colour. 'And Jessica, flaunting her new best friend. What a joke...' Vitriol continued to spew from the girl's thoughts.</p><p>'...I bet everyone has asked him that. But I'd like to talk to him. I'll think of a more original question...' Ashley Dowling mused.</p><p>'...maybe he'll be in my Spanish... .really cute.' June Richardson hoped.</p><p>'...tons left to do tonight! Trig, and the English test. I hope my mom...' Angela Weber, a quiet girl, whose thoughts were unusually kind, was the only one at the table who wasn't obsessed with this Beau.</p><p>I could hear them all, hear every insignificant thing they were thinking as it passed through their minds.</p><p>But nothing at all from the new student with the deceptively communicative eyes.</p><p>And, of course, I could hear what the boy said when she spoke to Jessica. I didn't have to read minds to be able to hear his low, clear voice on the far side of the long room.</p><p>"Which one is the boy with the reddish-brown hair?" I heard him ask, still looking at me, not flinching away. Almost as if he was in shock or...I could not think of a reason that would be causing him to reject his human instincts to continue to look at me even as I kept eye contact......frustrating.</p><p>If I'd had time to hope that hearing the sound of his voice would help me pinpoint the tone of his thoughts, lost somewhere where I couldn't access them, I was instantly disappointed. Usually, people's thoughts came to them in a similar pitch as their physical voices. But this quiet, shy voice was unfamiliar, not one of the hundreds of thoughts bouncing around the room, I was sure of that.</p><p>Entirely new.</p><p>"That's Edward. He doesn't date. Apparently, none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed.</p><p>I turned my head away to hide my smile. Jessica and her classmates had no idea how lucky they were that none of them particularly appealed to me.</p><p>Beneath the transient humour, I felt a strange impulse, one I did not clearly understand. It had something to do with the vicious edge to Jessica's thoughts that the new boy was unaware of... I felt the strangest urge to step in between them, to shield this Beau Swan from the darker workings of Jessica's mind.</p><p>What an odd thing to feel.</p><p>Trying to ferret out the motivations behind the impulse, I examined the new boy one more time.</p><p>Perhaps it was just some long-buried protective instinct-the strong for the weak. This boy looked more fragile than his new classmates. His skin was so translucent it was hard to believe it offered him much defence from the outside world. I could see the rhythmic pulse of blood through his veins under the clear, pale membrane... But I should not concentrate on that. I was good at this life I'd chosen, but I was just as thirsty as Jasper and there was no point in inviting temptation.</p><p>There was a faint crease between his eyebrows that he seemed unaware of. It was unbelievably frustrating! I could clearly see that it was a strain for him to sit there, to make conversation with strangers, to be the centre of attention. I could sense his shyness from the way he held his frail-looking shoulders, slightly hunched, as if he was expecting a rebuff at any moment. And yet I could only sense, could only see, could only imagine. There was nothing but silence from the very unexceptional human boy. I could hear nothing. Why?</p><p>"Shall we?" Rosalie murmured, interrupting my focus.</p><p>I looked away from the boy with a sense of relief. I didn't want to continue to fail at this-it irritated me.</p><p>And I didn't want to develop an interest in his hidden thoughts simply because they were hidden from me. No doubt, when I did decipher his thoughts-and I would find a way to do so, they would be just as petty and trivial as any human's thoughts. Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them.</p><p>"So, is the new one afraid of us yet?" Emmett asked, still waiting for my response to his question before.</p><p>I shrugged. He wasn't interested enough to press for any more information. Nor should I be interested.</p><p>We got up from the table and walked out of the cafeteria.</p><p>Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were pretending to be seniors; they left for their classes. I was playing a younger role than they. I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for the tedium.</p><p>It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.</p><p>In the classroom, I settled into my chair and let my books-props, again; they held nothing I didn't already know-spill across the table. I was the only student who had a table to himself. The humans weren't smart enough to know that they feared me, but their survival instincts were enough to keep them away.</p><p>The room slowly filled as they trickled in from lunch. I leaned back in my chair and waited for the time to pass. Again, I wished I was able to sleep.</p><p>Because I'd been thinking about him, when Angela Weber escorted the new boy through the door, his name intruded on my attention.</p><p>'Beau seems just as shy as me. I'll bet today is really hard for him. I wish I could say something...but it would probably just sound stupid...'</p><p>'Yes!' Mike Newton thought, turning in his seat to watch them enter.</p><p>Still, from the place where Beau Swan stood, nothing. The empty space where his thoughts should be irritated and unnerved me.</p><p>He came closer, walking down the aisle beside me to get to the teacher's desk.</p><p>Poor boy; the seat next to me was the only one available. Automatically, I cleared what would be his side of the desk, shoving my books into a pile. I doubted he would feel very comfortable there. He was in for a long semester-in this class, at least. Perhaps, though, sitting beside him, I'd be able to flush out his secrets...not that I'd ever needed close proximity before...not that I would find anything worth listening to...</p><p>Beau Swan walked into the flow of the heated air that blew toward me from the vent.</p><p>His scent hit me like wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me at that moment.</p><p>In that instant, I was nothing close to the human I'd once been; no trace of the shreds of humanity I'd managed to cloak myself in remained.</p><p>I was a predator. He was my prey. There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth.</p><p>There was no room full of witnesses-they were already collateral damage in my head. The mystery of his thoughts was forgotten. His thoughts meant nothing, for he would not go on thinking them much longer.</p><p>I was a vampire, and he had the sweetest blood I'd smelled in eighty years.</p><p>I hadn't imagined such a scent could exist. If I'd known it did, I would have gone searching for it long ago.</p><p>I would have combed the planet for him. I could imagine the taste...</p><p>Thirst burned through my throat like fire. My mouth was baked and desiccated. The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation. My stomach twisted with the hunger that was an echo of the thirst.</p><p>My muscles coiled to spring.</p><p>Not a full second had passed. He was still taking the same step that had put him downwind from me.</p><p>As his foot touched the ground, his eyes slid toward me, a movement he clearly meant to be stealthy.</p><p>His glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror of his eyes.</p><p>The shock of the face I saw there saved his life for a few thorny moments.</p><p>He didn't make it easier. When he processed the expression on my face, blood flooded his cheeks again, turning his skin the most delicious colour I'd ever seen. The scent was a thick haze in my brain.</p><p>I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged, resisting control, incoherent.</p><p>He walked more quickly now as if he understood the need to escape. His haste made him clumsy-he tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.</p><p>I tried to focus on the face I'd seen in his eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion.</p><p>The face of the monster in me, the face I'd beaten back with decades of effort and uncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!</p><p>My life completely at the mercy of this unsuspecting human.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propelling me out of my seat.</p><p>No.</p><p>My hand gripped under the edge of the table as I tried to hold myself in my chair.</p><p>The wood was not up to the task. My hand crushed through the strut and came away with a palm full of splintered pulp, leaving the shape of my fingers carved into the remaining wood.</p><p>Destroy evidence. That was a fundamental rule. I quickly pulverized the edges of the shape with my fingertips, leaving nothing but a ragged hole and a pile of shavings on the floor, which I scattered with my foot.</p><p>Destroy evidence. Collateral damage....</p><p>I knew what had to happen now. The boy would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill him.</p><p>The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.</p><p>I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades.</p><p>And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.</p><p>The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.</p><p>Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.</p><p>If I killed the boy first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with him before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. He would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill him cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with his horribly desirable blood.</p><p>But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn't have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door-block that and they were trapped.</p><p>It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of, screaming. Someone would hear...and I'd be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.</p><p>And his blood would cool, while I murdered the others.</p><p>The scent punished me, closing my throat with dry aching...</p><p>So the witnesses first then.</p><p>I mapped it out in my head. I was in the middle of the room, the furthest row in the back. I would take my right side first. I could snap four or five of their necks per second, I estimated. It would not be noisy.</p><p>The right side would be the lucky side; they would not see me coming. Moving around the front and back up the left side, it would take me, at most, five seconds to end every life in this room. Long enough for Beau Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for him. Long enough for him to feel fear.</p><p>Long enough, maybe, if shock didn't freeze him in place, for him to work up a scream. One soft scream that would not bring anyone running.</p><p>I took a deep breath, and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins, burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of. He was just turning now. In a few seconds, he would sit down inches away from me.</p><p>The monster in my head smiled in anticipation.</p><p>Someone slammed shut a folder on my left. I didn't look up to see which of the doomed humans it was.</p><p>But the motion sent a wave of ordinary, unscented air wafting across my face.</p><p>For one short second, I was able to think clearly. In that precious second, I saw two faces in my head, side by side.</p><p>One was mine or rather had been: the red-eyed monster that had killed so many people that I'd stop counting their numbers. Rationalized, justified murders. A killer of killers, a killer of other, less powerful monsters. It was a god complex, I acknowledged that-deciding who deserved a death sentence. It was a compromise with myself. I had fed on human blood, but only by the loosest definition. My victims were, in their various dark pastimes, barely more human than I was.</p><p>The other face was Carlisle's.</p><p>There was no resemblance between the two faces. They were bright day and blackest night.</p><p>There was no reason for there to be a resemblance. Carlisle was not my father in the basic biological sense. We shared no common features. The similarity in our colouring was a product of what we were; every vampire had the same ice pale skin. The similarity in the colour of our eyes was another matter-a reflection of a mutual choice.</p><p>In my head, Carlisle's kind eyes did not judge me. I knew that he would forgive me for this horrible act that I would do. Because he loved me. Because he thought I was better than I was. And he would still love me, even as I now proved him wrong.</p><p>Beau Swan sat down in the chair next to me, his movements stiff and awkward-with fear?-and the scent of his blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me.</p><p>I would prove my father wrong about me. The misery of this fact hurt almost as much as the fire in my throat.</p><p>I leaned away from him in revulsion-revolted by the monster aching to take him.</p><p>Why did he have to come here? Why did he have to exist? Why did he have to ruin the little peace I had in this non-life of mine? Why had this aggravating human ever been born? He would ruin me.</p><p>Unexpectedly the boy slumped forward, showing another sign of weakness that the monster inside rejoiced in. He was making this so easy.</p><p>I held my breath. The disgust running through me.</p><p>My thoughts also turned to worry. What was wrong with the boy? Was he unconscious? Why did I even care if he was, why was I worried? Was I not just planning his demise?</p><p>As if God by some miracle answered my prayers Mr. Banner called the boy's name twice a flicker of worry in his mind along with a conversation with the principal talking to him about Beau Swan being a diabetic.</p><p>A strange shock renovated trough my body when the boy spoke saying how he was feeling unwell.</p><p>Despite my irrational worry I was overjoyed and angry when Mr. Banner called Mike to take the boy to the nurse's office, far away from me.</p><p>Worried and curious chatter rose in the classroom before Mr. Banner put it to a stop.</p><p>I couldn't stop myself from following the thoughts of Mike Newton as he half carried the shorter boy down the hall. To my surprised he did fall unconscious. Again, I was illogically worried and wishing that I was the one to have taken him to make sure he was okay...or maybe not come back.</p><p>Disgusted with myself I pulled back, sitting stiffly in my chair I fought with myself to stay put and stay away from the swan boy. Were we not just having this conversation earlier with Jasper? He was an innocent kid. I could not take his life away from him.</p><p>When the hour was up I was marginally calmer but It took everything I had to not run from the heated room that lingered with his scent.</p><p>I couldn't walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room. If anyone had been looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right about the way I moved. No one was paying attention to me. All human thoughts still swirled around the boy who was condemned to die in little more than an hour's time.</p><p>I hid in my car.</p><p>I didn't like to think of myself having to hide. How cowardly that sounded. But it was unquestionably the case now.</p><p>I didn't have enough discipline left to be around humans now. Focusing so much of my efforts on not killing one of them left me no resources to resist the others. What a waste that would be. If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth the defeat.</p><p>I played a CD of music that usually calmed me, but it did little for me now. No, what helped most now was the cool, wet, clean air that drifted with the light rain through my open windows. Though I could remember the scent of Beau Swan's blood with perfect clarity, inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from its infection.</p><p>I was sane again. I could think again. And I could fight again. I could fight against what I didn't want to be.</p><p>I didn't have to go to his home. I didn't have to kill him. Obviously, I was a rational, thinking creature, and I had a choice. There was always a choice.</p><p>It hadn't felt that way in the classroom...but I was away from him now. Perhaps, if I avoided him very, very carefully, there was no need for my life to change. I had things ordered the way I liked them now.</p><p>Why should I let some aggravating and delicious nobody ruin that?</p><p>I didn't have to disappoint my father. I didn't have to cause my mother stress, worry...pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too. And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable.</p><p>How ironic that I'd wanted to protect this human boy from the paltry, toothless threat of Jessica Stanley's snide thoughts. I was the last person who would ever stand as a protector for Beau Swan.</p><p>He would never need protection from anything more than he needed it from me.</p><p>Where was Alice, I suddenly wondered? Hadn't she seen me killing the Swan girl in a multitude of ways?</p><p>Why hadn't she come to help-to stop me or help me clean up the evidence, whichever? Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper that she'd missed this much more horrific possibility?</p><p>Was I stronger than I thought?</p><p>Would I really not have done anything to the boy?</p><p>No. I knew that wasn't true. Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard.</p><p>I searched in the direction I knew she would be, in the small building used for English classes. It did not take me long to locate her familiar 'voice.' And I was right.</p><p>Her every thought was turned to Jasper, watching his small choices with minute scrutiny.</p><p>I wished I could ask her advice, but at the same time, I was glad she didn't know what I was capable of.</p><p>That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the last hour.</p><p>I felt a new burn through my body-the burn of shame. I didn't want any of them to know.</p><p>If I could avoid Beau Swan, if I could manage not to kill him-even as I thought that, the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration-then no one would have to know. If I could keep away from his scent...</p><p>There was no reason why I shouldn't try, at least. Make a good choice. Try to be what Carlisle thought I was.</p><p>The last hour of school was almost over. I decided to put my new plan into action at once. Better than sitting here in the parking lot where he might pass me and ruin my attempt. Again, I felt the unjust hatred for the boy. I hated that he had this unconscious power over me. That he could make me be something I reviled.</p><p>I walked swiftly-a little too swiftly, but there were no witnesses-across the tiny campus to the office.</p><p>There was no reason for Beau Swan to cross paths with me. He would be avoided like the plague he was.</p><p>The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see.</p><p>She didn't notice my silent entrance.</p><p>"Mrs. Cope?"</p><p>The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened. It always caught them off guard, the little markers they didn't understand, no matter how many times they'd seen one of us before.</p><p>"Oh," she gasped, a little flustered. She smoothed her shirt. Silly, she thought to herself. He's almost young enough to be my son. Too young to think of that way...</p><p>"Hello, Edward. What can I do for you?" Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick glasses.</p><p>Uncomfortable. But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be. It was easy, since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken.</p><p>I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless, small brown eyes.</p><p>Her thoughts were already in a flutter. This should be simple.</p><p>"I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule," I said in the soft voice I reserved for not scaring humans. I heard the tempo of her heart increase.</p><p>"Of course, Edward. How can I help?" Too young, too young, she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather. But according to my driver's license, she was right.</p><p>"I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science? Physics, perhaps?"</p><p>"It there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward?"</p><p>"Not at all, it's just that I've already studied this material..."</p><p>"In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right." Her thin lips pursed as she considered this.</p><p>'They should all be in college. I've heard the teachers complain. Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on a test-like they've found some way to cheat in every subject.</p><p>Mr. Varner would rather believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him...</p><p>I'll bet their mother tutors them...' "Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now. Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class-"</p><p>"I wouldn't be any trouble."</p><p>''Of course not. Not a perfect Cullen. "I know that, Edward. But there just aren't enough seats as it is..."</p><p>"Could I drop the class, then? I could use the period for independent study."</p><p>"Drop biology?" He mouth fell open. That's crazy. How hard is it to sit through a subject you already know? There must be a problem with Mr. Banner. I wonder if I should talk to Bob about it? "You won't have enough credits to graduate."</p><p>"I'll catch up next year."</p><p>"Maybe you should talk to your parents about that."</p><p>The door opened behind me, but whoever it was did not think of me, so I ignored the arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope. I leaned slightly closer and held my eyes a little wider. This would work better if they were gold instead of black. The blackness frightened people, as it should.</p><p>"Please, Mrs. Cope?" I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be-and it could be considerably compelling. "Isn't there some other section I could switch to? I'm sure there has to be an open slot somewhere? Sixth hour biology can't be the only option..."</p><p>I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her, letting the expression soften my face.</p><p>Her heart drummed faster. Too young, she reminded herself frantically. "Well, maybe I could talk to</p><p>Bob-I mean Mr. Banner. I could see if-"</p><p>A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my mission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman... What had been for one purpose before was now for another.</p><p>A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signed tardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school.</p><p>A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash into me. A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door had not interrupted me with their thoughts.</p><p>I turned, though I did not need to make sure. I turned slowly, fighting to control the muscles that rebelled against me.</p><p>Beau Swan stood with his back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece of paper clutched in his hands. His eyes were even wider than usual as he took in my ferocious, inhuman glare.</p><p>I cut off the motion of my lungs, and fixed Carlisle's face in front of my eyes. I turned back to face Mrs. Cope, and heard her internal surprise at the change in my expression. She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words.</p><p>Using all the control I'd mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voice even and smooth. There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushing through the words.</p><p>"Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."</p><p>I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-blooded heat of the boys body as I passed within inches of it.</p><p>I didn't stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there. Most of the humans had cleared out already, so there weren't a lot of witnesses. I heard a sophomore, D.J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard...</p><p>Where did Cullen come from-it was like he just came out of thin air... There I go, with the imagination again. Mom always says...</p><p>When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there. I tried to control my breathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like I'd been suffocated.</p><p>"Edward?" Alice asked, alarm in her voice.</p><p>I just shook my head at her.</p><p>"What the hell happened to you?" Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.</p><p>Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse. I had to get out of this lot before Beau Swan could follow me here, too. My own person demon, haunting me... I swung the car around and accelerated. I hit forty before I was on the road. On the road, I hit seventy before I made the corner.</p><p>Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare at Alice. She shrugged.</p><p>She couldn't see what had passed, only what was coming.</p><p>She looked ahead for me now. We both processed what she saw in her head, and we were both surprised.</p><p>"You're leaving?" she whispered.</p><p>The others stared at me now.</p><p>"Am I?" I hissed through my teeth.</p><p>She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a darker direction.</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>Beau Swan, dead, though her vision was blurry almost as if there were more possibilities that she knew was there but couldn't grasp or see. He closed her eyes frustrated. But this one was clearer than the others my eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and start again...</p><p>"Oh," she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of Chief Swan's house for the first time, saw Beau in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, his back to me as I stalked him from the shadows...let the scent pull me toward him...</p><p>"Stop!" I groaned, not able to bear more.</p><p>"Sorry," she whispered, her eyes wide.</p><p>The monster rejoiced. And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the trees beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour.</p><p>"I'll miss you," she said. "No matter how short a time you're gone."</p><p>Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance.</p><p>"Drop us here," Alice instructed. "You should tell Carlisle yourself."</p><p>I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain when I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder.</p><p>"You will do the right thing," she murmured. Not a vision this time-an order.</p><p>"He's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him, too."</p><p>"Yes," I said, agreeing only with the last part.</p><p>She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. They melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around.</p><p>I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice's head would be flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I wasn't sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Charlie was waiting in the cruiser. Despite my trepidation, his energy and face only showed concern. I didn't know what to do with that. I couldn't fathom why he was not angry that I fucked up on my first day, that he had to leave work early just to come and collect his fucked up incubus son that passed out to try not to devour his biology lab partner. But I guess he didn't know that.</p><p>"Beau, are you okay? What happened?"</p><p>I felt guilty now. My first day at school here with him and he was already picking me up early. I could feel his panic and questioning himself what he was doing wrong. The guilt clawed at my stomach and I thought I was going to puke.</p><p>"Sorry, Dad!" I tried to halt his feelings and assure him "I just didn't realise how nervous I was today, new school and all. I didn't even realise I skipped breakfast and lunch! My stomach was in knots!"</p><p>"I didn't think you were that stressed.... Beau."</p><p>"No seriously Dad. I just zoned out I didn't even realise and I think it was that on top of the heat in the Biology Lab.....I feel so much better now, I even met some new friends!" I smiled up at him pushing all of the assurance I could into that one smile, only I wasn't sure who it was for more, me or him.</p><p>He looked me over, taking a few seconds to come to terms with what I just said and he nodded reaching up to ruffle my hair letting out a deep breath and I felt a lot of the stress leaving his body. " Jesus kid you sure know how to nearly give me a stroke, take it easy okay?"</p><p>I nodded relieved that he believed me and smiled reaching into my pocket and showed him the sugar machine that glowed with a flashing 5.6 "See Dad, their perfect now"</p><p>He nodded in agreement his face flushing at my smile I guess, but I was so relieved that he calmed down. And he wasn't even angry. He was just so worried about me, I smiled and soon the flush was making its way up my neck too.</p><p>When we got home, he ordered pizza and turned on the Simpsons something we could both laugh and look at because he knew how bored I got watching sports. He talked through it asking me about my day, who I met and what they were like, if I was being treated well, what were my classes and teachers like. Of course, he knew most of them already, but he was asking how I felt about it.</p><p>It surprisingly rushed out of me like verbal vomit, I didn't even think about what I was saying I just smiled telling him about how everyone seemed to want to talk to me like I was some shiny new toy and how Jessica had acclaimed me to her friends like I was her trophy, he made some joke about me bringing in all the ladies and I couldn't help but laugh.</p><p>My chest felt tight but in a good way... I think. I felt happy. I couldn't think about a time when I had last laughed like this. When I felt comfortable enough to just talk about stupid day to day life like it was some enticing story. He paid me his full attention and listened to what I said. He cared about what I said. He wanted to know if I was okay. It felt amazing.</p><p>I was so used to mom's fake smiles her roundabout questions that were ways for her to see if I was hungry, or if I had or planned to kill anyone today. Her fear and avoidance of me.</p><p>It was so strange to sit here with my Dad and just talk. We stayed up until maybe nine and talked about nothing of Importance. He talked about his work, Ms Molloy who gave him a hard time over someone putting dog shit in her mailbox but he didn't want to tell her it was her son that was only ten who was mad at her for not getting him the newest gaming console because he thought it was funny. I laughed until I cried and was sworn to secrecy.</p><p>I couldn't sleep for a while. Today was a lot for me to take in. Even though it was one of the worst days of my life it was also the best and I tried to not dwell on the negatives. Whatever happened today I would try my best to never let happen again.</p><p>This would be my new beginning. There was no way that I could go back to the way that things were. There was my first bump in the road, but I told myself that I would not let it get to me. I would be ready, and no matter what happened I would not leave Charlie alone again and no matter what I would not have him come clean up a dead body that his own son had murdered.</p><p>"That was close today" Sophie's voice came from the corner of my room rocking back and forth on my rocking chair like some demonic entity. One of those horror movies I saw.</p><p>"Yeah" I breathed too afraid to think about it. To think back to the feeling of the hunger that assaulted me in class, in case even now I would not be able to resist the urge to seek out Edward Cullen to feed on his delicious lust when he slept unaware and willing.</p><p>"I'm proud of you though, you stopped yourself"</p><p>I blushed not sure what to do with that compliment. Was there a card for that? Congratulations! you almost killed someone today but yah didn't!</p><p>"Am I going insane or is there something different about the Cullen family?" I finally blurted out the thoughts that I have been dying to ask all day.</p><p>When I did not receive an answer straight away my heart start galloping, when I looked at her she has a contemplative look rather than what I expected, I thought she would laugh at me and tell me to stop imagining things, to stop daydreaming or one day I would go crazy.</p><p>But no, she just stared at the wall like it held all the answers to life. Like she was asking it for fucking advice. Meanwhile, I was sitting up in bed GOING INSANE, dying for answers.</p><p>"Nana!" I whisper shouted, trying not to wake Charlie. Not that I thought even lightning would wake him over the sound of his snores.</p><p>This got a reaction. She glared, her eyes held the promise of pain for calling her something that insinuated she was old or some shit her words not mine, which made no fucking sense since she was, in fact, dead and not ageing. Actually, she had reversed in age, her spirit form looked like she did in her 20's rather than her 60's when she had passed.</p><p>However, I sat expectantly, patiently waiting for her to explain, not in the mood to annoy her about this.</p><p>She rolled her eyes unable to resist my 'cuteness' as she called it, though I think that's just a grandmother thing.</p><p>"They are not human"  she agreed boosting my curiosity. </p><p>I sat up straighter, leaning towards her on my knees eager for information.</p><p>"Though I'm not sure exactly what they are yet, I have never met anything like them. Their auras look like the dead yet....." she pondered "I plan on following them tonight to see can I get an idea."</p><p>"They look like spirits" I suggested "That's what I thought they were at first. Maybe strong spirits who manifested a physical body"</p><p>"Hmmmmm" she pondered "Maybe, I can't say for sure yet"</p><p>"Can I come?" I was eager to meet them, maybe they were just like me.</p><p>"No" she sighed and reluctantly added, "Though I am proud of you for today, you know that was close right?"</p><p>I adverted my eyes not wanting to have this conversation. I looked to the door contemplating leaving to escape what I didn't want her to say.</p><p>"You know you have to feed Beau, it's dangerous to be starving yourself this way"</p><p>I didn't reply. I knew she was right no matter how much I wanted her to be wrong. I had no words of refutation.</p><p>"Look, think about it. I'll be back in the morning" Before I could even think to protest, she was gone.</p><p>I often wondered what it would be like if I was raised by parents who were also incubus or succubus. Would I have been raised to not feel this intense shame, to learn that sex was just a way of survival, or would I have come to enjoy the pleasure immensely and healthily be able to differentiate and separate the different kinds of love and sex? Would I be able to have a lover who would fully quench the thirst or be in a healthy relationship with someone I would not kill and love them immeasurably and be able to separate the different types of sex and feed regularly from others and still go back to them and not feel like I'm some whore or cheater?</p><p>Would they have protected me? Protected me from those that took advantage, those that wouldn't understand, from myself?</p><p>There is no point thinking about it now. I was raised with human parents. I was raised to believe that sex is something sacred to be shared between you and someone you love. Sex is taboo. You can't sleep with too many people or your disgusting.... used...a slut. Nobody wants something used. You'll never find love if you are used. No man wants someone loose and no woman wants someone who has been around. I was thought to be disgusted with myself. To hate what I am.</p><p>I've watched countless movies and anime with sexual creatures who embraced their nature and loved it. How I wished I was able to do that. Become a real Dorian Grey. Just yah know without the rotting part.</p><p>But it seems the humanity in me runs deeper in me than I thought. I did want to find someone who would love me regardless, but I knew that could never be. I had never been able to feed off or even kiss someone in person without killing them.</p><p>So, I was reduced to this.</p><p>Though it would be worse if I didn't feed. When I truly starved it was..... something I could never explain with words. My whole body turned to jelly, and my mind became crazed, craving only one thing. The words that came to my mind was an animal in heat. I would become desperate, crying for anyone around me to take me, kill me. Do anything to ease the pain of feeling empty the scorching of my insides. I would burn up with a fever and begin to hallucinate, clawing at my skin to cool it down. I'd throw myself at the feet of anyone, begging to be at their mercy of whatever they wished to do to me. It was humiliating and painful and dangerous. I would avoid it at any cost.</p><p>I walked around the room preparing myself. This was for the best. It's only a few hours and I could wake up like it was all just a bad dream and go back to school. Try to make friends. Not kill Edward Cullen or any of my new friends.</p><p>I laid out crystals and charms, chanting a simple incantation to protect my body and spirit before lying down.</p><p>Finally, I took a deep breath to calm myself and strengthen my resolve and projected my soul to the land of dreams. I floated above in the clouds where astral projectors regularly came in their dreams where they say they are able to fly and I gazed at the beams of purple and green light in the sky....staling.</p><p>As beautiful as it looked, the dreams it housed were not always pleasant. It wasn't easy doing this. Once you choose a dreaming soul you were compelled to fill the desire of that person, whatever it may be. Sometimes it was nice, People fantasised about someone they loved and imagined me as the shape of that person to worship or be worshipped by. But as you can imagine people often dreamt of fantasies that they could not accomplish in real life and instead imagined them instead, safe in their deepest subconscious with starving creatures like us.</p><p>I looked down at the garden of flowers below that flickered with light, the red's, in particular, drawing me to them. Seeing one, in particular, a yellow lily with flickering veins of red I reached down taking a deep breath sending my energy to it and closing my eyes.</p><p>******</p><p>I woke up feeling numb. I looked at the bedside table to the glowing clock and saw it was 5:55 am. It didn't even get to 5:56 before the waterworks began. I wept violently and loudly into my pillow, gasping for breath trying to quiet myself.</p><p>I flinched away when I felt Sophie place her hand on my head in comfort, not wanting to be touched. But no matter how much I moved away she was relentless and laid beside me stroking my hair singing a song she often sang me to calm me down in Irish, the country she came from before here 'Mo Ghile Mear'.</p><p>In all honestly, it wasn't that bad. I feel full, refreshed, satiated. I fed about four times, after the first it made me realise how hungry I really was. It was hard to stop then. I think it was more the fact that I just didn't want to do it. And the last women was a widow, dreaming of her dead husband. All of her sorrow and pain was wrapped around me like chains weighing my soul down it would take a few hours before it went away.</p><p>I cried helplessly in her arms trying to fight the suffocating energy, hating myself, until I heard the ignition of Charlie's match.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today was better... and worse.</p><p>It was better because it wasn't raining yet, though the clouds were dense and opaque. It was easier because I felt like I was prepared for my day. I was fed, I was going to treat Edward Cullen like any other normal teenager and act like I was not going to kill him or was still not thinking about killing him and ignore the pain and I was going to carry on like normal. Talking to new friends and.... yeah.. positive thinking. Mike came to sit by me in English joking about how I owed him for him having to carry my dead weight across the school like some princess, I laughed he was funny, I highly doubt my light ass body bothered him. </p><p>People didn't look at me quite as much as they had yesterday. I sat with a big group at lunch that included Mike, Eric, Jessica, and several other people whose names and faces I now remembered. They all wanted to know about my diabetes and asking if I was feeling better, though some were insincere it was still nice. I was so full I even had to take an insulin injection with my lunch, they were all curious about that which brought on a new wave of question. I began to feel like I was treading water, instead of drowning in it.</p><p>It was worse because I was energised; I had fed and was brimming with energy; I was more sensitive to the lust-filled school. It was worse because Mr Varner called on me in Trig when my hand wasn't raised, and I had the wrong answer. It was miserable because I had to play basketball. Despite my enhanced senses I could never play sports, it bored me and I would constantly zone out, and I was small so people would always try and take advantage, which caused me to face plant onto the hall floor. And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.</p><p>All morning I was dreading lunch, anxious about his bizarre glares and what I would feel when I was in the vicinity of him again, despite my precautions would I be able to control myself? Part of me wanted to confront him and demand to know what his problem was, to see what he was and why he was affecting me like this and ruining what I was trying to build for myself. </p><p>While I was lying sleepless in my bed, I even imagined what I would say. But I knew myself too well to think I would really have the guts to do it. What would I say? I want to feed on your lust and possibly kill you, why's that do you think? Can you tell me why you were looking at me as if I was the devil.... Now that I thought about it did, he know. Could he tell? These thoughts plagued me.</p><p>But when I walked into the cafeteria with Jessica - trying to keep my eyes from sweeping the place for him and failing entirely - I saw that his four siblings of sorts were sitting together at the same table, and he was not with them. I breathed a sigh of relief, but at the same time disappointment and burning curiosity.</p><p>Mike intercepted us and steered us to his table. Jessica seemed elated by the attention, and her friends quickly joined us. But as I tried to listen to their easy chatter, I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came and prove my suspicions false. I tried not to look over at his siblings afraid he told them about our encounter or in case I bumped into them. Would they feel the same?</p><p>He didn't come, and as time passed, I grew tenser and tenser.</p><p>I walked to Biology with more confidence when, by the end of lunch, he still hadn't shown.  I held my breath at the door, but Edward Cullen wasn't there, either. I exhaled and went to my seat; still not completely relaxed afraid he would turn up. Mike and I walked together, talking about an upcoming trip to the beach. He lingered by my desk until the bell rang. Then he smiled at me teasingly and went to sit by his own lab partner, a pretty girl with braces and curly hair. </p><p>It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. I was not oblivious to his energy that was interested. As far as I was aware, he was not an out homosexual, so I guess this was frustrating for him. I wasn't a fool to be oblivious to the fact that my energy attracted people to me sexually sometimes. Nothing was going to happen... well unless he wanted to die. I feel like visiting his dreams was an option but also dangerous. What was I thinking?!? Last night will not be a normal regular occurrence. Only when I'm really hungry and it is absolutely necessary.</p><p>I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't there. It was ridiculous to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true. Maybe he did know. But would that scare him enough to not come to school?!</p><p>When the school day was finally done, and the blush was fading out of my cheeks from the basketball incident, I changed quickly back into my jeans and an oversized hoodie. I hurried from the boys' locker room, pleased to find that I had successfully evaded any Cullen's for the day and walked swiftly out to the parking lot. It was crowded now with fleeing students. I got in my truck and dug through my bag to make sure I had what I needed.</p><p>Last night I'd discovered that Charlie couldn't cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So, I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay. He was willing enough and I was happy to have a purpose in the house and repay him for all of the things he did naturally for me, I didn't know how else to show him how much it meant to me. I also found out that he had no food in the house. So, I had my shopping list and the cash from the jar in the cupboard labelled FOOD MONEY, and I was on my way to the Thriftway. I was kind of excited to drive further than school in my new truck and explore the town I would be residing in for the foreseeable future.</p><p>I gunned my deafening engine to life, ignoring the heads that turned in my direction, and backed carefully into a place in the line of cars that were waiting to exit the parking lot. As I waited, trying to pretend that the ear-splitting rumble was coming from someone else's car, I saw the two Cullen's and the Hale twins getting into their car. It was a shiny new Volvo. Of course. </p><p>I was thankful that they did not look in my direction, I tried my best to not search for their energy distracting myself by turning on the radio, not wanting to chance losing control again.</p><p>They did look at my noisy truck as I passed them, just like everyone else. I kept my eyes straight forward and was relieved when I finally was free of the school grounds.</p><p>The Thriftway was not far from the school, just a few streets south, off the highway. It was nice to be inside the supermarket; it felt normal. I did the shopping at home, and I fell into the pattern of the familiar task gladly.</p><p>When I got home, I unloaded all the groceries, stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space. I hoped Charlie wouldn't mind. I wrapped potatoes in foil and stuck them in the oven to bake, covered a steak in the marinade and balanced it on top of a carton of eggs in the fridge.</p><p>When I was finished with that, I took my book bag upstairs. Before starting my homework, I changed into a pair of dry sweats and an oversized t-shirt, brushed my fingers through my damp hair and let it air dry, and checked my e-mail for the first time. To my surprise, I had a message.</p><p>"Beau," my mom wrote...</p><p>How are things down in rainy forks? All's good here Phil is being really good to me, I've met a few new friends at his gold club. I hope you are adjusting well to forks and not struggling.</p><p>p.s. I hope your behaving.</p><p>I sighed noticing her evasive way in asking if I'm massacring the village folk.</p><p>I didn't want to reply, to be honest. I was doing so well today.</p><p>I decided to leave it for a day or two until I settled in more. I turned off the computer and decided to do my homework.</p><p>I looked at clock jumping up off the bed and ran downstairs to finish off dinner for Charlie knowing he would be home soon. The time flew by and before I knew it we were comfortably sitting at the table, Charlie showering me with praise over the food like it was an everyday occurrence and I really hoped it would be. Very domestic, family-like.</p><p>After lots of contemplation, I decided to test the waters with Charlie.</p><p>"Do you know the Cullen family?" I asked hesitantly blanching at how it spewed out of my mouth before thinking.</p><p>"Dr Cullen's family? Sure. Dr Cullen's a great man."</p><p>"They... the kids... are a little different. They don't seem to fit in very well at school."</p><p>Charlie surprised me by looking angry.</p><p>"People in this town," he muttered. "Dr Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here," he continued, getting louder. "We're lucky to have him - lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He's an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they're all very mature - I haven't had one speck of trouble from any of them. That's more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should - camping trips every other weekend... Just because they're newcomers, people have to talk."</p><p>It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Charlie make. He must feel strongly about whatever people were saying.</p><p>I backpedalled. "They seemed nice enough to me. I just noticed they kept to themselves. They're all very attractive,"</p><p>"You should see the doctor," Charlie said, laughing. "It's a good thing he's happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around."</p><p>We lapsed back into silence as we finished eating. He cleared the table while I started on the dishes. He went back to the TV, and after I finished washing the dishes by hand - no dishwasher - I went upstairs unwillingly to work on my math homework. I could feel a tradition in the making. That night it was finally quiet, but I was so hyped and energised I stayed awake and read Wuthering Heights.</p><p>Sophie finally showed her face around 3:00 am, I was starting to get worried.</p><p>"What did you find out?" I almost screamed jumping up from bed pushing my glasses up my nose having taken out my contacts earlier.</p><p>I had been so impatient to hear from her I was starting to get worried.</p><p>"Well, one, they are definitely not human," she said after she found her place back in the rocking chair. </p><p>I already knew this, but I don't know why I was so shocked by the news that my suspicions were confirmed.</p><p>"B-B-But what? Who?" I stuttered lost for words.</p><p>She stayed silent.</p><p>"Na-Sophie?"</p><p>"Its nothing bad... I think" She took a deep breath "Look do you really want to know?"</p><p>What the fuck was the talking about? Of course, I wanted to know! Did it prove I wasn't alone? Did it explain why I wanted to kill him?!?!</p><p>"Your planning on staying away from them, so what difference does it make?"</p><p>She could not be serious. What was she hiding? "You had a vision, didn't you?" I pushed.</p><p>She didn't answer so I took it for a yes.</p><p>".....I don't want to know!" I almost shouted putting my fingers in my ears like a child just about to sing la la la.</p><p>I had my plans. I was going to ignore the Cullen's and treat them like another person, be polite but keep my distance. Whatever the devil witch saw I didn't want to know. It was probably about me killing them I didn't want to know! It would only influence my plans; I didn't want to know.</p><p>I have a good flow going right now. It will not be ruined.</p><p>The last vision she had warned me of the last person I killed. I did not want to know.</p><p>I lied back down in bed turning away from her, not wanting anything to change.</p><p>*******</p><p>Thankfully the rest of the week was uneventful. I got used to the routine of my classes. By Friday I was able to recognize, if not name, almost all the students at school. In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily stayed out of their way.</p><p>Edward Cullen didn't come back to school, I tried to force myself not to think about that.</p><p>Every day, I watched anxiously until the rest of the Cullen's entered the cafeteria without him. Then I could relax and join in the lunchtime conversation. Mostly it centred around a trip to the La Push beach in two weeks that Mike was putting together. I was invited, and I had agreed to go excited to go back to La Push having not been since I was younger.</p><p>By Friday I was perfectly comfortable entering my Biology class, no longer worried that Edward would be there. For all I knew, he had dropped out of school. I tried not to think about him, but I couldn't totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence. At the same time, I worried about Sophies vision and prayed that he would stay away.</p><p>My first weekend in Forks passed without incident. Charlie, unused to spending time in the usually empty house, worked most of the weekend. I cleaned the house, got ahead on my homework, and finally wrote my mom a simple e-mail to soothe her worry that I had probably killed my father or something. I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn't bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore. I wondered idly what kind of gas mileage the truck got... and shuddered at the thought.</p><p>*****</p><p>People greeted me in the parking lot Monday morning. I didn't know all their names, but I waved back and smiled at everyone. In English, Mike took his accustomed seat by my side. We had a pop quiz on Wuthering Heights. It was straightforward, very easy.</p><p>All in all, I was feeling pretty comfortable here than I had thought I would feel by this point, it was exciting. I could finally.... kind of relax.</p><p>When we walked out of class, the air was full of swirling bits of white. I could hear people shouting excitedly to each other. The wind bit at my cheeks, my nose.</p><p>"Wow," Mike said. "It's snowing."</p><p>I looked at the little cotton fluffs that were building up along the sidewalk and swirling erratically past my face.</p><p>"WOW" Snow. I had never seen snow before.</p><p>Mike grinned "Have you never seen snow before?"</p><p>"Sure I have." I paused grinning back. "On TV."</p><p>Mike laughed. And then a big, squishy ball of dripping snow smacked into the back of his head. We both turned to see where it came from. I had my suspicions about Eric, who was walking away, his back toward us - in the wrong direction for his next class. Mike apparently had the same notion. He bent over and began scraping together a pile of the white mush.</p><p>"I'll see you at lunch, okay?" I kept walking as I spoke. "Once people start throwing stuff, I go inside."</p><p>He just nodded, his eyes on Eric's retreating figure, I grinned enjoying the dampening in the usually lusty atmosphere that was completely smothered with joy and excitement.</p><p>Throughout the morning, everyone chattered excitedly about the snow; apparently it was the first snowfall of the new year. I walked alertly to the cafeteria with Jessica after Spanish. Snowballs were flying everywhere; my reflexes were awakening with a vengeance. I kept a binder in my hands blocking them lefty right and centre. Jessica thought I was hilarious, I was happy that she was getting some form of entertainment from this, why was I being a target for so many people?! Still, I couldn't keep the smile off my face.</p><p>Mike caught up to us as we walked in the doors, laughing, with ice melting the spikes in his hair. He and Jessica were talking animatedly about the snow fight as we got in line to buy food. I glanced toward that table in the corner out of habit. And then I froze where I stood. There were five people at the table.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I leaned back against the soft snowbank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my weight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt like velvet under my skin. The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe-an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite.</p><p>Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.</p><p>It wasn't getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I'd hidden here in the empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first moment that I'd caught his scent.</p><p>I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompanied them. The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder.</p><p>I was not surprised that Tanya had followed me here. I knew she'd been mulling over this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure of exactly what she wanted to say. She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of an outcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet.</p><p>Tanya's skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale, almost pink with their strawberry tint. Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, half-buried in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile.</p><p>Exquisite. If I'd really been able to see her. I sighed.</p><p>She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, her body coiled.</p><p>Cannonball, she thought.</p><p>She launched herself into the air; her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as she spun gracefully between me and the stars. She curled herself into a ball just as she struck the piled snowbank beside me.</p><p>A blizzard of snow flew up around me. The stars went black and I was buried deep in the feathery ice crystals.</p><p>I sighed again but didn't move to unearth myself. The blackness under the snow neither hurt nor improved the view. I still saw the same face, of the insignificant little human boy, tempting me, keeping me from my home. From where I wanted to be.</p><p>"Edward?"</p><p>Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me. She brushed the powder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes.</p><p>"Sorry," she murmured. "It was a joke."</p><p>"I know. It was funny."</p><p>Her mouth twisted down. "Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone. They think I'm annoying you."</p><p>"Not at all," I assured her. "On the contrary, I'm the one who's being rude-abominably rude. I'm very sorry."</p><p>You're going home, aren't you? She thought.</p><p>"I haven't...entirely...decided that yet."</p><p>But you're not staying here. Her thought was wistful now, sad.</p><p>"No. It doesn't seem to be...helping."</p><p>She grimaced. "That's my fault, isn't it?"</p><p>"Of course not," I lied smoothly.</p><p>Don't be a gentleman.</p><p>I smiled.</p><p>I make you uncomfortable, she accused.</p><p>"No."</p><p>She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh. One short laugh, followed by another sigh.</p><p>"All right," I admitted. "A little bit."</p><p>She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were chagrined.</p><p>"You're a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya. Of course, you're already well aware of that. Don't let my stubbornness undermine your confidence." I chuckled at the unlikeliness of that.</p><p>"I'm not used to rejection," she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an attractive pout.</p><p>"Certainly not," I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. Mostly Tanya preferred human men-they were much more populous for one thing, with the added advantage of being soft and warm. And always eager, definitely.</p><p>"Succubus," I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head.</p><p>She grinned, flashing her teeth. "The original."</p><p>Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly. In the end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter.</p><p>Now the men they loved...lived.</p><p>"When you showed up here," Tanya said slowly. "I thought that..."</p><p>I'd known what she'd thought. And I should have guessed that she would have felt that way. But I hadn't been at my best for analytical thinking at that moment.</p><p>"You thought that I'd changed my mind."</p><p>"Yes." She scowled.</p><p>"I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya. I didn't mean to-I wasn't thinking. It's just that I left in...quite a hurry."</p><p>"I don't suppose you'd tell me why...?"</p><p>I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."</p><p>Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life they'd committed to. Better, in some ways, than even Carlisle. Despite the insanely close proximity, they allowed themselves with those who should be-and once were-their prey, they did not make mistakes. I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya.</p><p>She was quiet again, speculating. I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciate the stars. She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction. Where will you go, Edward, if you leave? Back to Carlisle?</p><p>"I don't think so," I whispered.</p><p>Where would I go? I could not think of one place on the entire planet that held any interest for me.</p><p>There was nothing I wanted to see or do. Because no matter where I went, I would not be going to anywhere-I would only be running from. I hated that. When had I become such a coward?</p><p>Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders. I stiffened but did not flinch out from under her touch. She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort. Mostly.</p><p>"I think that you will go back," she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her long lost Russian accent.</p><p>"No matter what it is...or who it is...that is haunting you. You'll face it head-on. You're the type."</p><p>Her thoughts were as certain as her words. I tried to embrace the vision of myself that she carried in her head. The one who faced things head-on. It was pleasant to think of myself that way again. I'd never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty, before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago.</p><p>I kissed her cheek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine, her lips already puckered. She smiled ruefully at my quickness.</p><p>"Thank you, Tanya. I needed to hear that."</p><p>Her thoughts turned petulant. "You're welcome, I guess. I wish you would be more reasonable about things, Edward."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Tanya. You know you're too good for me. I just...haven't found what I'm looking for yet."</p><p>"Well, if you leave before I see you again...goodbye, Edward."</p><p>"Goodbye, Tanya." As I said the words, I could see it. I could see myself leaving. Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be. "Thanks again."</p><p>She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; she left no prints behind her. She didn't look back. My rejection bothered her more than she'd let on before, even in her thoughts. She wouldn't want to see me again before I left.</p><p>I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again, though I was suddenly anxious to be on my way. I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she would tell the others. This would make them happy-Carlisle and Esme especially. But I gazed at the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head. Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered forest green eyes stared back at me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for him. Of course, I couldn't be sure if that was really the information his curious eyes sought. Even in my imagination, I couldn't hear his thoughts.</p><p>With a heavy sigh, I gave up and got to my feet. If I ran, I would be back to Carlisle's car in less than an hour...</p><p>In a hurry to see my family-and wanting very much to be the Edward that faced things head on-I raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints.</p><p>******</p><p>"It's going to be okay," Alice breathed. Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had one hand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundown cafeteria in a close group. Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory.</p><p>Rose looked wary, too, but much more irritated than protective.</p><p>"Of course, it is," I grumbled. Their behaviour was ludicrous. If I weren't positive that I could handle this moment, I would have stayed home.</p><p>The sudden shift from our normal, even playful morning-it had snowed in the night, and Emmett and Jasper were not above taking advantage of my distraction to bombard me with slush balls; when they got bored with my lack of response, they'd turned on each other-to this overdone vigilance would have been comical if it weren't so irritating.</p><p>"He's not here yet, but the way He's going to come in... He won't be downwind if we sit in our regular spot."</p><p>"Of course we'll sit in our regular spot. Stop it, Alice. You're getting on my nerves. I'll be absolutely fine."</p><p>She blinked once as Jasper helped her into her seat, and her eyes finally focused on my face.</p><p>"Hmm," she said, sounding surprised. "I think you're right."</p><p>"Of course I am," I muttered.</p><p>I hated being the focus of their concern. I felt a sudden sympathy for Jasper, remembering all the times we'd hovered protectively over him. He met my glance briefly and grinned.</p><p>Annoying, isn't it?</p><p>I grimaced at him.</p><p>Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me?</p><p>That it had seemed almost like sleep, like a coma, to be here?</p><p>Today my nerves were stretched tight-piano wires, tensed to sing at the slightest pressure. My senses were hyper-alert; I scanned every sound, every sight, every movement of the air that touched my skin, every thought. Especially the thoughts. There was only one sense that I kept locked down, refused to use. Smell, of course. I didn't breathe.</p><p>I was expecting to hear more about the Cullen's in the thoughts that I sifted through. All-day I'd been waiting, searching for whichever new acquaintance Beau Swan might have confided in, trying to see the direction the new gossip would take. But there was nothing. No one noticed the five vampires in the cafeteria, just the same as before the new boy had come. Several of the humans here were still thinking of that boy, still thinking the same thoughts from last week. Instead of finding this unutterably boring, I was now fascinated.</p><p>Had he said nothing to anyone about me?</p><p>There was no way that he had not noticed my black, murderous glare. I had seen him react to it. Surely, I'd scared him silly. I had been convinced that he would have mentioned it to someone, maybe even exaggerated the story a bit to make it better. Given me a few menacing lines.</p><p>But hmm Mr Banner did mention the boy was a diabetic and he looked like he was about to pass out that day. Diabetics sometimes experience memory loss of the moments when their sugars are high or low. Maybe he did not remember my behaviour.</p><p>Even if that was the case, he'd also heard me trying to get out of our shared biology class. He must have wondered, after seeing my expression, whether he was the cause. A normal human would have asked around, compared their experience to others, searched for common ground that would explain my behaviour, so he didn't feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This boy would be no exception to that rule.</p><p>But no one at all took any notice of us sitting here, at our normal table, nobody wondered about my return after my weeklong absence. Beau must be exceptionally shy if he'd confided in no one. Perhaps he had spoken to his father, maybe that was the strongest relationship...though that seemed unlikely, given the fact that he had spent so little time with him throughout his life. He would be closer to his mother. Still, I would have to pass by Chief Swan sometime soon and listen to what he was thinking.</p><p>"Anything new?" Jasper asked.</p><p>"Nothing. He...must not have said anything."</p><p>All of them raised an eyebrow at this news.</p><p>"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are," Emmett said, chuckling. "I bet I could have frightened him better than that."</p><p>I rolled my eyes at him.</p><p>"Wonder why...?" He puzzled again over my revelation about the boy's unique silence.</p><p>"We've been over that. I don't know."</p><p>"He's coming in," Alice murmured then. I felt my body go rigid. "Try to look human."</p><p>"Human, you say?" Emmett asked.</p><p>He held up his right fist, twisting his fingers to reveal the snowball he'd saved in his palm. Of course, it had not melted there. He'd squeezed it into a lumpy block of ice. He had his eyes on Jasper, but I saw the direction of his thoughts. So did Alice, of course. When he abruptly hurled the ice chunk at her, she flicked it away with a casual flutter of her fingers. The ice ricocheted across the length of the cafeteria, too fast to be visible to human eyes, and shattered with a sharp crack against the brick wall. The brick cracked, too.</p><p>The heads in that corner of the room all turned to stare at the pile of broken ice on the floor and then swivelled to find the culprit. They didn't look further than a few tables away. No one looked at us.</p><p>"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"</p><p>"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."</p><p>I tried to pay attention to them, keeping a grin fixed on my face like I was part of their banter. I did not allow myself to look toward the line where I knew she was standing. But that was all that I was listening to.</p><p>I could hear Jessica's impatience with the new boy, who seemed to be distracted, too, standing motionless in the moving line. I saw, in Jessica's thoughts, that Beau Swan's cheeks were once more coloured bright pink with blood.</p><p>I pulled in short, shallow breaths, ready to quit breathing if any hint of his scent touched the air near me.</p><p>Mike Newton was with them. I heard both his voices, mental and verbal when he asked Jessica what was wrong with the Swan boy. I didn't like the way his thoughts wrapped around him, though it surprised me, Newton was notoriously popular amongst the girls in the school I never saw it in his mind before that he was attracted to males, the flicker of already established fantasies that clouded his mind while he watched him start and look up from his reverie like he'd forgotten he was there.</p><p>"Nothing," I heard Beau say in that quiet, clear voice. It seemed to ring like a bell over the babble in the cafeteria, but I knew that was just because I was listening for it so intently.</p><p>"I'll just get a soda today," he continued as he moved to catch up with the line.</p><p>I couldn't help flickering one glance in his direction. He was staring at the floor, the blood slowly fading from his face. I looked away quickly, to Emmett, who laughed at the now pained-looking smile on my face.</p><p>You look sick, bro.</p><p>I rearranged my features so the expression would seem casual and effortless.</p><p>Jessica was wondering aloud about the boy's lack of appetite. "Aren't you hungry?"</p><p>"Actually, I feel a little sick." His voice was lower, but still very clear.</p><p>Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from Mike Newton's thoughts?</p><p>What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them? It wasn't my business if Mike Newton felt unnecessarily anxious for him. Perhaps this was the way everyone responded to him. Hadn't I wanted, instinctively, to protect him, too? Before I'd wanted to kill him, that is...</p><p>But was the boy ill?</p><p>It was hard to judge-he looked so delicate with his translucent skin... Then I realized that I was worrying, too, just like that dim-witted boy, and I forced myself not to think about his health. Regardless, I didn't like monitoring him through Mike's thoughts. I switched to Jessica's, watching carefully as the three of them chose which table to sit at. Fortunately, they sat with Jessica's usual companions, at one of the first tables in the room. Not downwind, just as Alice had promised.</p><p>Could it be serious? No, Surely if the boy was a diabetic, he knew how to take care of himself.</p><p>Alice elbowed me. He's going to look soon, act human. I clenched my teeth behind my grin.</p><p>"Ease up, Edward," Emmett said. "Honestly. So, you kill one human. That's hardly the end of the world."</p><p>"You would know," I murmured.</p><p>Emmett laughed. "You've got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt."</p><p>Just then, Alice tossed a smaller handful of ice that she'd been hiding into Emmett's unsuspecting face.</p><p>He blinked, surprised, and then grinned in anticipation.</p><p>"You asked for it," he said as he leaned across the table and shook his ice-encrusted hair in her direction.</p><p>The snow, melting in the warm room, flew out from his hair in a thick shower of half-liquid, half-ice.</p><p>"Ew!" Rose complained as she and Alice recoiled from the deluge.</p><p>Alice laughed, and we all joined in. I could see in Alice's head how she'd orchestrated this perfect moment, and I knew that the boy-I should stop thinking of him that way, as if he were the only boy in the world-that Bea would be watching us laugh and play, looking as happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Norman Rockwell painting.</p><p>Alice kept laughing and held her tray up as a shield. The boy-Beau must still be staring at us.</p><p>...staring at the Cullen's again, someone thought, catching my attention.</p><p>I looked automatically toward the unintentional call, realizing as my eyes found their destination that I recognized the voice-I'd been listening to it so much today. But my eyes slid right past Jessica and focused on the boy's penetrating gaze. He looked down quickly.</p><p>What was he thinking? The frustration seemed to be getting more acute as time went on, rather than dulling. I tried-uncertain in what I was doing for I'd never tried this before-to probe with my mind at the silence around him. My extra hearing had always come to me naturally, without asking; I'd never had to work at it. But I concentrated now, trying to break through whatever shield surrounded him.</p><p>Nothing but silence.</p><p>What is it about him? Jessica thought, echoing my own frustration.</p><p>"Edward Cullen is staring at you," she whispered in the Swan boy's ear. There was no hint of her jealous irritation in her tone. Jessica seemed to be skilled at feigning friendship, she seemed to despise all the attention the boy was getting.</p><p>I listened, too engrossed, to the boy's response.</p><p>"He doesn't look angry, does he?" he whispered back.</p><p>So he had noticed my wild reaction last week. Of course, he had.</p><p>The question confused Jessica. I saw my own face in her thoughts as she checked my expression, but I did not meet her glance. I was still concentrating on the boy, trying to hear something. My intent focus didn't seem to be helping at all.</p><p>"No," Jess told him, and I knew that she wished she could say yes-how it rankled inside her, my staring though there was no trace of that in her voice. "Should he be?"</p><p>"I don't think he likes me," the boy whispered back, laying his head down on his arm as if he were suddenly tired. I tried to understand the motion, but I could only make guesses. Maybe he was tired.</p><p>"The Cullen's don't like anybody," Jess reassured him. "Well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them." They never used to. Her thought was a grumble of complaint. "But he's still staring at you."</p><p>"Stop looking at him," the boy said anxiously, lifting his head from his arm to make sure Jessica obeyed the order.</p><p>Jessica giggled but did as he was asked.</p><p>The boy did not look away from his table for the rest of the hour. I thought-though, of course, I could not be sure that this was deliberate. It seemed like he wanted to look at me. His body would shift slightly in my direction, his chin would begin to turn, and then he would catch himself, take a deep breath, and stare fixedly at whoever was speaking.</p><p>I ignored the other thoughts around the boy for the most part, as they were not, momentarily, about him. Mike Newton was planning a snow fight in the parking lot after school, not seeming to realize that the snow had already shifted to rain. The flutter of soft flakes against the roof had become the more common patter of raindrops. Could he really not hear the change? It seemed loud to me.</p><p>When the lunch period ended, I stayed in my seat. The humans filed out, and I caught myself trying to distinguish the sound of his footsteps from the sound of the rest as if there was something important or unusual about them. How stupid.</p><p>My family made no move to leave, either. They waited to see what I would do.</p><p>Would I go to class, sit beside the boy where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of his blood and feel the warmth of his pulse in the air on my skin? Was I strong enough for that? Or had I had enough for one day?</p><p>"I... think it's okay," Alice said, hesitant. "Your mind is set. I think you'll make it through the hour."</p><p>But Alice knew well how quickly a mind could change.</p><p>"Why push it, Edward?" Jasper asked. Though he didn't want to feel smug that I was the one who was weak now, I could hear that he did, just a little. "Go home. Take it slow."</p><p>"What's the big deal?" Emmett disagreed. "Either he will or he won't kill him. Might as well get it over with, either way."</p><p>"I don't want to move yet," Rosalie complained. "I don't want to start over. We're almost out of high school, Emmett. Finally."</p><p>I was evenly torn on the decision. I wanted, wanted badly, to face this head-on rather than running away again. But I didn't want to push myself too far, either. It had been a mistake last week for Jasper to go so long without hunting; was this just as pointless a mistake?</p><p>I didn't want to uproot my family. None of them would thank me for that. But I wanted to go to my biology class. I realized that I wanted to see his face again.</p><p>That's what decided it for me. That curiosity. I was angry with myself for feeling it. Hadn't I promised myself that I wouldn't let the silence of the boy's mind make me unduly interested in him? And yet, here I was, most unduly interested.</p><p>I wanted to know what he was thinking. His mind was closed, but his eyes were very open. Perhaps I could read them instead.</p><p>"No, Rose, I think it really will be okay," Alice said. "It's...firming up. I'm ninety-three per cent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class." She looked at me inquisitively, wondering what had changed in my thoughts that made her vision of the future more secure.</p><p>Would curiosity be enough to keep Beau Swan alive? Emmett was right, though-why not get it over with, either way? I would face the temptation head-on.</p><p>"Go to class," I ordered, pushing away from the table. I turned and strode away from them without looking back. I could hear Alice's worry, Jasper's censure, Emmett's approval, and Rosalie's irritation trailing after me.</p><p>I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom and then held it in my lungs as I walked into the small, warm space.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I couldn't believe it. Things were finally going well! Where the fuck was he for a week? Why is he back all of a sudden? Why now?</p><p>I felt like there was a hand wrapped around my throat cutting off my supply of oxygen. Suffocating me slowly.</p><p>Jessica pulled on my arm.</p><p>"Hello? Beau? What do you want?"</p><p>I looked down; my ears were hot. I was starting to feel weak.</p><p>I reminded myself. I hadn't done anything wrong. And I wasn't going to do anything wrong. Thank god I fed last night. I could do this.</p><p>"What's with Beau?" Mike asked Jessica.</p><p>"Nothing," I answered. "I'll just get a soda today." I caught up to the end of the line.</p><p>"Aren't you hungry?" Jessica asked.</p><p>"Actually, I feel a little sick," I said, my eyes still on the floor.</p><p>I waited for them to get their food, and then followed them to a table, my eyes on my feet.</p><p>I sipped my soda slowly, my stomach churning. Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling. I told him it was nothing, but I was wondering if I should play it up and escape to the nurse's office for the next hour. Ridiculous. I shouldn't have to run away. I decided to permit myself one glance at the Cullen family's table. If he was glaring at me, I would skip Biology, like the coward I was. If I could sense that energy from here, I would skip.</p><p>I kept my head down and glanced up under my lashes. None of them were looking this way. I lifted my head a little. They were laughing. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all had their hair entirely saturated with melting snow. Alice and Rosalie were leaning away as Emmett shook his dripping hair toward them. They were enjoying the snowy day, just like everyone else - only they looked more like a scene from a movie than the rest of us.</p><p>But, aside from the laughter and playfulness, there was something different, and I couldn't quite pinpoint what that difference was. I examined Edward the most carefully. His skin was less pale, I decided - flushed from the snow fight maybe - the circles under his eyes much less noticeable. But there was something more. I pondered, staring, trying to isolate the change. Maybe he did know about me but decided he wasn't afraid anymore? Or maybe he came to kill me?! I shook my head at my ridiculous thoughts. I would just have to play this out.</p><p>"Bella, what are you staring at?" Jessica intruded, her eyes following my stare.</p><p>At that precise moment, his eyes flashed over to meet mine, like he heard her words loud and clear. Could he? I bet if I tried hard enough, I could hear what they were saying across the hall. But when I tried, I would only catch snippets beneath the sea of enthusiastic teenagers excited for the snow. I dropped my head, letting my hair fall to conceal my face. I was sure, though, in the instant our eyes met, that he didn't look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time, I'd seen him. He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way.</p><p>"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Jessica whispered in my ear.</p><p>"He doesn't look angry, does he?" I couldn't help asking.</p><p>"No," she said, sounding confused by my question. "Should he be?"</p><p>"I don't think he likes me," I confided. I still felt queasy. I put my head down on my arm.</p><p>"The Cullen's don't like anybody... well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them. But he's still staring at you."</p><p>"Stop looking at him," I hissed.</p><p>She snickered, but she looked away. I raised my head enough to make sure that she did, contemplating violence if she resisted. As if this wasn't all mortifying enough.</p><p>Mike interrupted us then - he was planning an epic battle of the blizzard in the parking lot after school and wanted us to join. Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked and felt about Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested. I kept silent. I would have to hide in the gym until the parking lot cleared, from the many students that wickedly made me their targets for the day, and here I thought I was making friends.</p><p>For the rest of the lunch hour, I very carefully kept my eyes at my own table. I decided to honour the bargain I'd made with myself. Since he didn't look angry, I would go to Biology. My stomach did frighten flips at the thought of sitting next to him again. I was terrified. No matter how hard I tried I was unable to forget or ignore his energy. The thoughts of being hit and having to endure that torture for the next hour was horrifying.</p><p>I didn't mind walking with Mike as usual - he seemed to be a popular target for the snowball snipers hopefully it would keep people away from me- but when we went to the door, everyone groaned in unison. It was raining, washing all traces of the snow away in clear, icy ribbons down the side of the walkway. I pulled my hood up, secretly pleased that I would be free to go straight home after Gym, but upset I would not be able to sit out when I got home later to watch it at a safe distance from snowballs.</p><p>Mike kept up a string of complaints on the way to building four.</p><p>Once inside the classroom, I saw with relief that my table was still empty, but I knew it was too early to be thankful, it would only come back to bite me in the ass. Mr Banner was walking around the room, distributing one microscope and box of slides to each table. The class didn't start for a few minutes, and the room buzzed with conversation. I kept my eyes away from the door, doodling idly on the cover of my notebook.</p><p>I heard very clearly when the chair next to me moved, but my eyes stayed carefully focused on the pattern I was drawing nothing else. Complete focus.</p><p>"Hello," said a quiet, musical voice.</p><p>And there my so-called razor fucking focus vanished. The pain was just as bad as the first day, my hands shook. I knew what to expect though and I had fed last night. He seemed to want to engage in conversation so I would do like I said and remain civil. Endure the burning razorblades clawing viciously at my insides and move on.</p><p>It was harder than it looked though, I felt like my sugars were beginning to go low and I tried to ignore the pain and burning behind my eyes and act normal.</p><p>I reached into my pocket pulling out a sugar tablet candy and sucked on it. Hoping it would help or at least provide a placebo effect.</p><p>I looked up slowly at his face, feeling quite stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, dishevelled - even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful.</p><p>What was he being careful about? Was he being cautious of me? I had to pretend like the other day didn't happen. Prove that I meant no harm. I didn't want people to be afraid of me. But that did not explain his angry glares.</p><p>"My name is Edward Cullen," he continued. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Beau Swan."</p><p>My mind was spinning with confusion. Had I made up the whole thing? He was perfectly polite now. I had to speak; he was waiting. But I couldn't think of anything conventional to say. Maybe... maybe....</p><p>"Hi" I smiled at him softly trying not to scare him and for nothing better to say. It seems he was not going to mention anything about the last time either. I could give him that.</p><p>He deserved that, I had thought about killing him after all.</p><p>Now that I could see him more up close it was pretty obvious that he was not human, not only was he pale, he was uniformly pale, not one blemish. His skin looked like there were no pores. Truly like a ghost. Even his fingernails were pale...perfectly manicured.</p><p>He rubbed his arms almost self-consciously and I looked away embarrassed for staring.</p><p>Resisting the urge to bend over and place my head on the desk in embarrassment and weakness I popped another candy into my mouth, it seemed to be keeping the edge off. Though it was still difficult to breathe properly through the pain, I was using almost every bit of will power I had not to grimace and keep a straight face.</p><p>Thankfully, Mr Banner started class at that moment. I tried to concentrate as he explained the lab we would be doing today. The slides in the box were out of order. Working as lab partners, we had to separate the slides of onion root tip cells into the phases of mitosis they represented and label them accordingly. We weren't supposed to use our books. In twenty minutes, he would be coming around to see who had it right.</p><p>"Get started," he commanded.</p><p>"Partner?" Edward asked. I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot before flinching at the onslaught of pain.</p><p>"Or I could start if you wish." The smile faded; he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent.</p><p>"No," I said sucking it up, taking a deep breath through the pain, eating another candy, flushing. "I'll go ahead."</p><p>I was showing off, just a little. I'd already done this lab, and I knew what I was looking for. It should be easy. I snapped the first slide into place under the microscope and adjusted it quickly to the 40X objective. I studied the slide briefly, thankful for something else to concentrate on.</p><p>My assessment was confident. "Prophase."</p><p>"Do you mind if I look?" he asked as I began to remove the slide. His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked. His fingers were ice-cold like he'd been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn't why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, I was so sure that I was a goner, I was seconds away from crumbling into a heap on the floor and shouting out from the sudden wave of pain.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he muttered, pulling his hand back immediately, the anger in his face distracting me though it felt as if the anger was directed at himself rather than me, The worry I felt for him brought me back to myself. However, he continued to reach for the microscope. I watched him, still staggered, as he examined the slide for an even shorter time than I had.</p><p>"Prophase," he agreed, writing it neatly in the first space on our worksheet. He swiftly switched out the first slide for the second, and then glanced at it cursorily.</p><p>"Anaphase," he murmured, writing it down as he spoke.</p><p>He did it so fast, I was suddenly curious about this creature, it gave me the will power to push back and deal with the pain. "May I?" I asked.</p><p>He smirked and pushed the microscope to me, I found myself wanting to smirk back.</p><p>I looked through the eyepiece eagerly, only to be disappointed. Dang it, he was right.</p><p>"Slide three?" I held out my hand without looking at him.</p><p>He handed it to me; it seemed like he was being careful not to touch my skin again, I was thankful yet disappointed, which annoyed me, could I not try to tempt myself.</p><p>I took the most fleeting look I could manage, liking this little game we were playing, though I guessed my eyesight was not as good as his. Despite my heightened senses, my sight was probably my worst, I blame it on either a time when I starved myself for too long or the trauma from a time I was visiting someone who had a particular fantasy... I flinched from my thoughts turning my attention to Edward.</p><p>"Interphase." I passed him the microscope before he could ask for it. He took a swift peek, and then wrote it down. I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me. I didn't want to spoil the page with my clumsy scrawl.</p><p>We were finished before anyone else was close. I could see Mike and his partner comparing two slides again and again, and another group had their book open under the table.</p><p>Which left me with nothing to do but try to not look at him... unsuccessfully and try to push down my desires. I glanced up, and he was staring at me, that same inexplicable look of frustration in his eyes. Suddenly I identified that subtle difference in his face I was thinking earlier from last week.</p><p>"Did you get contacts?" I blurted out unthinkingly, uncomfortable with his staring.</p><p>He seemed puzzled by my unexpected question. "No."</p><p>"Oh," I mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes."</p><p>He shrugged and looked away, his energy emitted waves of shock and frustration.</p><p>Why?</p><p>Did I make him uncomfortable? Was that something I was not supposed to notice? How frustrating. Was it related to what he was? Now that I thought about it, his eyes were completely different. Last week I vividly remembered the coal-black glaring at me, but now they were almost gold, not a colour that I have ever seen on another human being, yet his whole family had them.</p><p>Mr Banner came to our table then, to see why we weren't working. He looked over our shoulders to glance at the completed lab, and then stared more intently to check the answers.</p><p>"So, Edward, didn't you think Beau should get a chance with the microscope?" Mr Banner asked.</p><p>"Actually, he identified three of the five."</p><p>Mr. Banner looked at me now; his expression was sceptical.</p><p>"Have you done this lab before?" he asked.</p><p>I smiled sheepishly. "Not with onion root."</p><p>"Whitefish blastula?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Mr Banner nodded. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Well," he said after a moment, "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." Then he mumbled, "Sothe other kids can get a chance to learn something for themselves" as he walked away, I guess I was not meant to hear that. After he left, I began doodling on my notebook again, trying to focus on something, Maybe I could ask to use the toilet for a break from this.</p><p>"It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" Edward asked. I had the feeling that he was forcing himself to make small talk with me. Paranoia swept over me again. It was like he had heard my conversation with Jessica at lunch and was trying to prove me wrong, with how today is going that is likely what happened. I blushed.</p><p>"Not really," I answered honestly, instead of pretending to be normal like everyone else.</p><p>"You don't like the cold." It wasn't a question.</p><p>"I don't mind it. Though people went out of their way today to make me a target for their snowball fights" I grimaced. "Though I wish It would be there when I got home so I could enjoy it"</p><p>"You've never seen snow before?"</p><p>"Nope"</p><p>"Forks must be a different place for you to live," he mused.</p><p>"You have no idea," I muttered darkly.</p><p>He looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason, I couldn't imagine. His expressions was such a distraction, it made me more curious, focusing my attention on him.</p><p>"Why did you come here, then?"</p><p>No one had asked me that - not straight out like he did, demanding.</p><p>"It's... complicated." Not knowing what to say.</p><p>"I think I can keep up," he pressed.</p><p>I paused for a long moment, and then made the mistake of meeting his gaze. His dark gold eyes confused me, and I answered without thinking.</p><p>"My mother got remarried," I said.</p><p>"That doesn't sound so complex," he disagreed, but he was suddenly sympathetic. "When did that happen?"</p><p>"Last September." My voice sounded sad, even to me.</p><p>"And you don't like him," Edward surmised, his tone still kind.</p><p>"No, Phil is fine. Too young, maybe, but nice enough."</p><p>"Why didn't you stay with them?"</p><p>I couldn't fathom his interest, but he continued to stare at me with penetrating eyes, as if my dull life's story was somehow vitally important. But I couldn't tell him the truth.</p><p>My mother's constant stress and fear that I was about to become a serial killer was too much to handle? I was sick of being a burden on someone's life? I couldn't live with the dark memories? I needed a fresh start.</p><p>"Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living." I offered, that seemed the most human excuse.</p><p>"Have I heard of him?" he asked, smiling in response, though I knew he could tell I wasn't telling the whole truth.</p><p>"Probably not. He doesn't play well. Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot."</p><p>"And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him." He said it as an assumption again, not a question.</p><p>My chin raised a fraction. "No, she did not send me here. I sent myself."</p><p>His eyebrows knit together. "I don't understand," he admitted, and he seemed unnecessarily frustrated by that fact.</p><p>I sighed. Why was I explaining this to him? He continued to stare at me with obvious curiosity.</p><p>"She stayed with me at first, but she missed him. It made her unhappy" that wasn't the only thing that made her unhappy " ... so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie." My voice was glum by the time I finished.</p><p>"But now you're unhappy," he pointed out.</p><p>"I am happy" I challenged, surprised by his audacity.</p><p>"That doesn't seem fair." He shrugged as if I didn't say anything, but his eyes were still intense.</p><p>I laughed without humour trying not to get hystericala "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."</p><p>"I believe I have heard that somewhere before," he agreed dryly.</p><p>"So that's all," I insisted, wondering why he was still staring at me that way.</p><p>His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see." And I could tell he knew I wasn't telling him the whole story.</p><p>I grimaced at him, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year-old, and looked away.</p><p>"Am I wrong?"</p><p>I tried to ignore him.</p><p>"I didn't think so," he murmured smugly.</p><p>Okay maybe killing the smug bastard wouldn't be too bad, I thought pouting. When I looked up to say some smart ass lame comment to defend myself when I saw nana out of the corner of my eye and I looked at her standing to the side glaring at me arms crossed, warning me to behave. I crossed my arms and huffed pouting leaning on the table.</p><p>He chuckled quietly.</p><p>"Why does it matter to you?" I asked, annoyed. I kept my eyes away, watching the teacher make his rounds.</p><p>"That's a very good question," he muttered, so quietly that I wondered if he was talking to himself. However, after a few seconds of silence, I decided that was the only answer I was going to get.</p><p>I sighed, scowling at the blackboard.</p><p>"Am I annoying you?" he asked. He sounded amused.</p><p>I glanced at him without thinking... and told the truth again. He must have some persuasive power. "Not exactly. I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read - my mother always says I'm an open book." I frowned.</p><p>"On the contrary, I find you very difficult to read." Despite everything that I'd said, and he'd guessed, he sounded like he meant it.</p><p>"You must be a good reader then," I replied.</p><p>"Usually." He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultra-white teeth.</p><p>They were sharp..... like mine.</p><p>Mr Banner called the class to order then, and I turned with relief to listen. I was in disbelief that I'd just felt compelled to explain my dreary life to this bizarre, beautiful boy who may or may not despise me. He'd seemed engrossed in our conversation, but now I could see, from the corner of my eye, that he was leaning away from me again, his hands gripping the edge of the table with unmistakable tension.</p><p>...maybe he felt the same way I did. Was he like me? Did he have this intense urge to kill me too?! What other possibilities could there be for this strange tension?</p><p>I tried to appear attentive as Mr Banner illustrated, with transparencies on the overhead projector, what I had seen without difficulty through the microscope. But my thoughts were unmanageable.</p><p>When the bell finally rang, Edward rushed as swiftly and as gracefully from the room as fast as I had last Monday, I stared after him in amazement.</p><p>What the fuck.</p><p>Mike skipped quickly to my side and walked with me from class.</p><p>"That was awful," he groaned. "They all looked exactly the same. You're lucky you had Cullen for a partner."</p><p>"I didn't have any trouble with it," I said, stung by his assumption. "I've done the lab before, though," I added in case I hurt his feelings.</p><p>"Cullen seemed friendly enough today," he commented as we shrugged into our raincoats. He didn't seem pleased about it.</p><p>I tried to sound indifferent. "I wonder what was with him last Monday."</p><p>I couldn't concentrate on Mike's chatter as we walked to the Gym, and RE. didn't do much to hold my attention, either. Mike was on my team today. He chivalrously covered my position as well as his own, so my wool-gathering was only interrupted when it was my turn to serve; my team ducked warily out of the way every time I was up.</p><p>The rain was just a mist as I walked to the parking lot, but I was happier when I was in the dry cab. I got the heater running, for once not caring about the mind-numbing roar of the engine. I unzipped my jacket, put the hood down, and fluffed my damp hair taking it partway out of its bun the wet parts were pulling uncomfortably.</p><p>I looked around me to make sure it was clear. That's when I noticed the still, white figure. Edward Cullen was leaning against the front door of the Volvo, three cars down from me, and staring intently in my direction. I swiftly looked away and threw the truck into reverse remembering my frustration, almost hitting a rusty Toyota Corolla in my haste. Lucky for the Toyota, I stomped on the brake in time. It was just the sort of car that my truck would make scrap metal of. I took a deep breath, still looking out the other side of my car, and cautiously pulled out again, with greater success. I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was not late. Mr Banner was still setting up for today's lab. The boy sat at my-at our table, his face down again, staring at the folder he was doodling on. I examined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of his mind, but it was meaningless. Just a random scribbling of loops within loops. Perhaps he was not concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else?</p><p>I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across the linoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someone's approach.</p><p>I knew he heard the sound; he did not look up, but his hand missed a loop in the design he was drawing, making it unbalanced.</p><p>Why didn't he look up? Probably he was frightened. I must be sure to leave him with a different impression this time. Make him think he'd been imagining things before.</p><p>"Hello," I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans more comfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth.</p><p>He looked up then, his wide brown eyes startled-almost bewildered-and full of silent questions. It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision for the last week.</p><p>As I stared into those oddly deep green eyes, I realized that the hate-the hate I'd imagined this boy somehow deserved for simply existing-had evaporated. Not breathing now, not tasting his scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred. His cheeks began to flush, and he said nothing.</p><p>I kept my eyes on his, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried to ignore the appetizing colour of his skin. I had enough breath to speak for a while longer without inhaling.</p><p>Were my eyes deceiving me or did he look like he was in pain. It was hard to tell.</p><p>He reached into his pocked and took out some candy, popping it in his mouth.</p><p>"My name is Edward Cullen," I said, though I knew he knew that. It was the polite way to begin. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Beau Swan."</p><p>He seemed confused-there was that little pucker between his eyes again. It took him half a second longer than it should have for him to respond.</p><p>I must have truly terrified her. This made me feel guilty; he was just so defenceless.</p><p>He blurted out a simple "Hi" with a small smile before his eyes travelled to my hands.</p><p>His face held only curiosity and I couldn't help feeling that he knew too much. That something as simple as that action threw me under the bus and he knew everything. I couldn't shake off the feeling.</p><p>I rubbed my arm uncomfortable with his stare which was stupid. Humans were naturally curious. Its only natural he would look. There's no way he could know anything. Then again, I couldn't know that I couldn't hear it.</p><p>I felt a pang of unease. His reactions were off. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my nearness. But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me he might be keeping locked inside his head.</p><p>I was out of air. If I were going to speak to him again, I would have to inhale. It would be hard to avoid speaking. Unfortunately for him, sharing this table made him my lab partner, and we would have to work together today. It would seem odd-and incomprehensibly rude-for me to ignore him while we did the lab. It would make him more suspicious, more afraid...</p><p>I leaned as far away from him as I could without moving my seat, twisting my head out into the aisle. I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked in one quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone.</p><p>Ahh!</p><p>It was genuinely painful. Even without smelling him, I could taste him on my tongue. My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as that first moment I'd caught his scent last week.</p><p>I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself.</p><p>"Get started," Mr. Banner commanded.</p><p>It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that I'd achieved in seventy years of hard work to turn back to the boy, who was staring down at the table, and smile. "Partner?" I offered pushing the slides towards him.</p><p>He looked up at my expression and his face went blank, his eyes wide. Was there something off in my expression? Was he frightened again? He didn't speak.</p><p>"Or, I could start, if you wish," I said quietly.</p><p>"No," he said, and his face went from white to red again. "I'll go first."</p><p>I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides, rather than watch the blood swirl under his clear skin. I took another quick breath, through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache.</p><p>"Prophase," he said after a quick examination. He started to remove the slide, though he'd barely examined it.</p><p>"Do you mind if I look?" Instinctively-stupidly, as if I were one of his kind-I reached out to stop his hand from removing the slide. For one second, the heat of his skin burned into mine. It was like an electric pulse-surely much hotter than a mere ninety-eight point six degrees. The heat shot through my hand and up my arm. He yanked his hand out from under mine, his breath ragged.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I muttered through my clenched teeth. Needing somewhere to look, I grasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece. He was right.</p><p>"Prophase," I agreed.</p><p>I was still too unsettled to look at him. Breathing as quietly as I could through my gritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment, writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the first slide for the next.</p><p>What was he thinking now? What had that felt like to him, when I had touched his hand? My skin must have been ice cold-repulsive. No wonder he was so quiet. I glanced at the slide.</p><p>"Anaphase," I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line.</p><p>"May I?" he asked.</p><p>I looked up at him, surprised to see that he was waiting expectantly, one hand half-stretched toward the microscope. He didn't look afraid. Did he really think I'd gotten the answer wrong?</p><p>I couldn't help but smile at the hopeful look on his face as I slid the microscope toward him.</p><p>He stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded. The corners of his mouth turned down.</p><p>"Slide three?" he asked, not looking up from the microscope, but holding out his hand. I dropped the next slide into his hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close to his this time. Sitting beside him was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.</p><p>He did not look at the slide for long. "Interphase," he said nonchalantly-perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that way-and pushed the microscope to me.</p><p>He did not touch the paper, but waited for me to write the answer. I checked-he was correct again.</p><p>We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each other's eyes. We were the only ones done-the others in the class were having a harder time with the lab. Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentrating-he was trying to watch Beau and me.</p><p>Wish he'd stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously, I don't know why he assumed that I was his arrival for Beau.</p><p>Hmm, interesting. I hadn't realized the boy harboured any ill will towards me. This was a new development, about as recent as the boy's arrival it seemed. Even more interesting, I found-to my surprise-that the feeling was mutual.</p><p>I looked down at the boy again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheaval that, despite his unthreatening appearance, he was wreaking on my life. It wasn't that I couldn't see what Mike was going on about. He was actually rather ...... pretty. Quite beautiful actually. Not quite symmetrical-his narrow chin out of balance with his wide cheekbones which was quite feminine yet masculine at the same time, I suppose the word would be androgynous; he was extreme in the colouring- the light and dark contrast of his skin and his hair that was forever in that bun, I was curious to what it would look like down flowing around his shoulders; and then there were those forest green eyes framed by long dark eyelashes women paid big money to get, brimming over with silent secrets... Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.</p><p>I stared back at him, trying to guess even one of those secrets.</p><p>"Did you get contacts?" he asked abruptly.</p><p>What a strange question. "No." I almost smiled at the idea of improving my eyesight.</p><p>"Oh," he mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes."</p><p>I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only one attempting to ferret out secrets today.</p><p>I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher was making his rounds.</p><p>Of course, there was something different about my eyes since the last time he'd stared into them. To prepare myself for today's ordeal, today's temptation, I'd spent the entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really. I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavour floating on the air around her. When I'd glared at him last, my eyes had been black with thirst. Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were a warmer gold. Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching.</p><p>Another slip. If I'd seen what he'd meant with his question, I could have just told him yes. I'd sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and he was the first to examine me closely enough to note the change in my eye colour. The others, while admiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned their stares. They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctive endeavour to keep themselves from understanding. Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.</p><p>Why did it have to be this boy who would see too much?</p><p>Mr. Banner approached our table. I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air he brought with him before it could mix with his scent.</p><p>"So, Edward," he said, looking over our answers, "didn't you think Beau should get a chance with the microscope?"</p><p>"Actually, he identified three of the five."</p><p>Mr. Banner's thoughts were sceptical as he turned to look at the boy. "Have you done this lab before?"</p><p>I watched, engrossed, as he smiled, looking slightly embarrassed.</p><p>"Not with onion root."</p><p>"Whitefish blastula?" Mr. Banner probed.</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>This surprised him. Today's lab was something he'd pulled from a more advanced course. He nodded thoughtfully at the boy. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>He was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.</p><p>"Well," Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips. "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." He turned and walked away mumbling, "So the other kids can get a chance to learn something for themselves," under his breath. I doubted the boy could hear that.</p><p>He began scrawling loops across her folder again, he looked uncomfortable.</p><p>Two slips so far in one half hour. A very poor showing on my part. Though I had no idea at all what the boy thought of me- how much did he fear, how much did he suspect? -I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave him with a new impression of me. Something to better drown his memories of our ferocious last encounter.</p><p>"It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" I said, repeating the small talk that I'd heard a dozen students discuss already. A boring, standard topic of conversation. The weather -always safe. He stared at me with obvious doubt in his eyes -an abnormal reaction to my very normal words.</p><p>"Not really," he said, surprising me again.</p><p>I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths. He was from a much brighter, warmer place -his skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairness -and the cold must make him uncomfortable.</p><p>My icy touch certainly had...</p><p>"You don't like the cold," I guessed.</p><p>"I don't mind it. Though people went out of their way today to make me a target for their snowball fights" he grimaced. "Though I wish It would be there when I got home so I could enjoy it"</p><p>"You've never seen snow before?"</p><p>"Nope"</p><p>"Forks must be a different place for you to live." Perhaps you should not have come here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong. I wasn't sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of his blood -was there any guarantee that I wouldn't eventually follow after him?</p><p>Besides, if he left, his mind would forever remain a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle.</p><p>"You have no idea," he said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment. His answers were never what I expected. They made me want to ask more questions.</p><p>"Why did you come here, then?" I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone was too accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation. The question sounded rude, prying.</p><p>"It's...complicated."</p><p>He blinked his wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out of curiosity-the curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat. Actually, I found that it was getting slightly easier to breathe; the agony was becoming more bearable through familiarity.</p><p>"I think I can keep up," I insisted. Perhaps common courtesy would keep him answering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them.</p><p>He stared down silently at his hands. This made me impatient; I wanted to put my hand under his chin and tilt his head up so that I could read his eyes. But it would be foolish of me -dangerous- to touch his skin again.</p><p>He looked up suddenly. It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in his eyes again. He spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words.</p><p>"My mother got remarried."</p><p>Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand. Sadness passed through his clear eyes and brought the pucker back between them.</p><p>"That doesn't sound so complex," I said. My voice was gentle without my working to make it that way. His sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make him feel better. A strange impulse. "When did that happen?"</p><p>"Last September." he exhaled heavily-not quite a sigh. I held my breath as his warm breath brushed my face.</p><p>"And you don't like him," I guessed, fishing for more information.</p><p>"No, Phil is fine," he said, correcting my assumption. There was a hint of a smile now around the corners of his full lips. "Too young, maybe, but nice enough."</p><p>This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.</p><p>"Why didn't you stay with them?" I asked, my voice a little too curious. It sounded like I was being nosy. Which I was, admittedly.</p><p>"Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living." The little smile grew more pronounced; this career choice amused him, though I could tell trough his hesitation in answering that this was not the actual truth, maybe part of it. How frustrating!</p><p>I smiled, too, without choosing to. I wasn't trying to make him feel at ease. His smile just made me want to smile in response -to be in on the secret.</p><p>"Have I heard of him?" I ran through the rosters of professional ball players in my head, wondering which Phil was his...</p><p>"Probably not. He doesn't play well." Another smile. "Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot."</p><p>The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and I'd tabulated a list of possibilities in less than a second. At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario. "And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him," I said.</p><p>Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of him than questions did. It worked again.</p><p>His chin jutted out, and his expression was suddenly stubborn.</p><p>"No, she did not send me here," he said, and his voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset him, though I couldn't quite see how. "I sent myself."</p><p>I could not guess at his meaning, or the source behind his pique. I was entirely lost.</p><p>So I gave up. There was just no making sense of the boy. He wasn't like other humans. Maybe the silence of his thoughts and the perfume of his scent were not the only unusual things about him, he didn't seem human at all!</p><p>"I don't understand," I admitted, hating to concede.</p><p>He sighed, and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans were able to stand.</p><p>"She stayed with me at first, but she missed him," he explained slowly, his tone growing more forlorn with each word. "It made her unhappy...so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie."</p><p>The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened, though this news seemed true I could not shake off the feeling it was a lie. What could be so bad that he would have to lie so elaborately.</p><p>"But now you're unhappy," I murmured. I couldn't seem to stop speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from his reactions. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark.</p><p>"I am happy" he challenged but I did not even acknowledge the obvious lie.</p><p>I continued to stare into his eyes, feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real glimpse into his soul. I saw in that one word where he ranked herself among his own priorities. Unlike most humans, his own needs were far down the list. He was selfless.</p><p>As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to thin a little.</p><p>"That doesn't seem fair," I said. I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to conceal the intensity of my curiosity.</p><p>He laughed, but there was no amusement the sound though his smile showed that there was something he was finding incredibly funny about my statement. "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."</p><p>I wanted to laugh at his words, though I, too, felt no real amusement. I knew a little something about the unfairness of life. "I believe I have heard that somewhere before."</p><p>He stared back at me, seeming confused again. HIs eyes flickered away, and then came back to mine.</p><p>"So that's all," he told me.</p><p>But I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little V between his eyes, a remnant of his sorrow, bothered me. I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip. But, of course, I could not touch him. It was unsafe in so many ways.</p><p>"You put on a good show." I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis, trying to let hm know that I knew he was lying without telling him in so many words. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."</p><p>He made a face, his eyes narrowing and his mouth twisting into a lopsided pout, and he looked back towards the front of the class. He didn't like it when I guessed right. He wasn't the average martyr-he didn't want an audience to her pain.</p><p>"Am I wrong?"</p><p>He flinched slightly, but otherwise pretended not to hear me.</p><p>That made me smile. "I didn't think so."</p><p>He looked up at me in defiance before his eye twitched as if noticing someone behind me but I heard nobody there or their thoughts and he looked away as if defeated and laid across the table with his arms crossed, it actually looked like he was pouting. It was.....quite frankly adorable. If I was able to I felt like I would be blushing right now.</p><p>I shook my head looking away confused by my thoughts.</p><p>"Why does it matter to you?" he demanded, still staring away.</p><p>"That's a very good question," I admitted, more to myself than to answer him.</p><p>His discernment was better than mine -he saw right to the core of things while I floundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues. The details of his very human life should not matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what he thought. Beyond protecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant.</p><p>I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much-I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.</p><p>The boy sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom. Something about his frustrated expression was humorous. The whole situation, the whole conversation was humorous. No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little boy -at any moment I might, distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation, inhale through my nose and attack him before I could stop myself -and he was irritated because I hadn't answered his question.</p><p>"Am I annoying you?" I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all.</p><p>He glanced at me quickly, and then his eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze. "Not exactly," he told me. "I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read-my mother always says I'm an open book." he frowned, disgruntled.</p><p>I stared at him in amazement. The reason he was upset was because he thought I saw through him too easily. How bizarre. I'd never expended so much effort to understand someone in all my life -or rather existence, as life was hardly the right word. I did not truly have a life.</p><p>"On the contrary," I disagreed, feeling strangely...wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. "I find you very difficult to read."</p><p>"You must be a good reader then," he guessed, making his own assumption that was, again, right on target.</p><p>"Usually," I agreed. I smiled at him widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of gleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them.</p><p>It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get some kind of warning through to the boy. His body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on him.</p><p>Why did he not cringe away from me in terror? Surely, he had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger, intuitive as he seemed to be.</p><p>I didn't get to see if my warning had the intended effect. Mr. Banner called for the class's attention just then, and he turned away from me at once. He seemed a little relieved for the interruption, so maybe he understood unconsciously. I hoped he did.</p><p>I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out. I could not afford to find Beau Swan interesting. Or rather, he could not afford that.</p><p>Already, I was anxious for another chance to talk to him. I wanted to know more about his mother, his life before he came here, his relationship with his father. All the meaningless details that would flesh out his character further. But every second I spent with him was a mistake, a risk he shouldn't have to take.</p><p>Absentmindedly, he moved his head just at the moment that I allowed myself another breath. A particularly concentrated wave of his scent hit the back of my throat.</p><p>It was like the first day-like the wrecking ball. The pain of the burning dryness made me dizzy. I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat. This time I had slightly more control. I didn't break anything, at least. The monster growled inside me, but took no pleasure in my pain. He was too tightly bound. For the moment, I stopped breathing altogether, and leaned as far from the boy as I could.</p><p>No, I could not afford to find him fascinating. The more interesting I found him, the more likely it was that I would kill him. I'd already made two minor slips today. Would I make a third, one that was not minor?</p><p>As soon as the bell sounded, I fled from the classroom -probably destroying whatever impression of politeness I'd halfway constructed in the course of the hour.</p><p>Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside like it was a healing attar. I hurried to put as much distance between myself and the boy as was possible.</p><p>Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class. He read my wild expression for a moment.</p><p>How did it go? He wondered warily.</p><p>"Nobody died," I mumbled.</p><p>I guess that's something. When I saw Alice ditching there at the end, I thought...</p><p>As we walked into the classroom, I saw his memory from just a few moments ago, seen through the open door of his last class: Alice walking briskly and blank-faced across the grounds toward the science building. I felt his remembered urge to get up and join her, and then his decision to stay. If Alice needed his help, she would ask...</p><p>I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat. "I hadn't realized that it was that close. I didn't think I was going to...I didn't see that it was that bad," I whispered.</p><p>It wasn't, he reassured me. Nobody died, right?</p><p>"Right," I said through my teeth. "Not this time."</p><p>Maybe it will get easier.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>Or, maybe you kill him. He shrugged. You wouldn't be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I'm impressed you've lasted this long.</p><p>"Not helping, Emmett."</p><p>I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the boy, that this was somehow inevitable.</p><p>Was it his fault that he smelled so good?</p><p>I know when it happened to me..., he reminisced, taking me back with him half a century, to a country lane at dusk, where a middle-aged women was taking her dried sheets down from a line strung between apple trees. The scent of apples hung heavy in the air -the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds. A fresh mowed field of hay was a background to that scent, a harmony. He walked up the lane, all but oblivious to the woman, on an errand for Rosalie. The sky was purple overhead, orange over the western trees.</p><p>He would have continued up the meandering cart path and there would have been no reason to remember the evening, except that a sudden night breeze blew the white sheets out like sails and fanned the woman's scent across Emmett's face.</p><p>"Ah," I groaned quietly. As if my own remembered thirst was not enough.</p><p>I know. I didn't last half a second. I didn't even think about resisting.</p><p>His memory became far too explicit for me to stand. I jumped to my feet, my teeth locked hard enough cut through steel.</p><p>"Esta bien, Edward?" Senora Goff asked, startled by my sudden movement. I could see my face in her mind, and I knew that I looked far from well.</p><p>"Me perdona," I muttered, as I darted for the door.</p><p>"Emmett-por favor, puedas tu ayuda a tu hermano?" she asked, gesturing helplessly toward me as I</p><p>rushed out of the room.</p><p>"Sure," I heard him say. And then he was right behind me.</p><p>He followed me to the far side of the building, where he caught up to me and put his hand on my</p><p>shoulder.</p><p>I shoved his hand away with unnecessary force. It would have shattered the bones in a human hand, and the bones in the arm attached to it.</p><p>"Sorry, Edward."</p><p>"I know." I drew in deep gasps of air, trying to clear my head and my lungs.</p><p>"Is it as bad as that?" he asked, trying not to think of the scent and the flavour of his memory as he asked, and not quite succeeding.</p><p>"Worse, Emmett, worse."</p><p>He was quiet for a moment.</p><p>Maybe...</p><p>"No, it would not be better if I got it over with. Go back to class, Emmett. I want to be alone."</p><p>He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away. He would tell the Spanish teacher that I was sick, or ditching, or a dangerously out of control vampire. Did his excuse really matter? Maybe</p><p>I wasn't coming back. Maybe I had to leave.</p><p>I went to my car again, to wait for school to end. To hide. Again.</p><p>I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve, but, like an addict, I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating from the school buildings. The familiar voices stood out, but I wasn't interested in listening to Alice's visions or Rosalie's complaints right now. I found Jessica easily, but the boy was not with her, so I continued searching.</p><p>Mike Newton's thoughts caught my attention, and I located him at last, in gym with him. He was unhappy, because I'd spoken to him today in biology. He was running over his response when he'd brought the subject up...</p><p>...I've never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here or there. Of course, he would decide to find Beau interesting. I don't like the way he looks at him.</p><p>But he didn't seem too excited about him. What did he say? 'Wonder what was with him last Monday.'</p><p>Something like that. Didn't sound like he cared. It couldn't have been much of a conversation...</p><p>He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way, cheered by the idea that Beau had not been interested in his exchange with me. This annoyed me quite a bit more than was acceptable, so I stopped listening to him.</p><p>I put a CD of violent music into the stereo, and then turned it up until it drowned out other voices. I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself from drifting back to Mike Newton's thoughts, to spy on the unsuspecting boy...</p><p>I cheated a few times, as the hour drew to a close. Not spying, I tried to convince myself. I was just preparing. I wanted to know exactly when he would leave the gym, when he would be in the parking lot. I didn't want him to take me by surprise.</p><p>As the students started to file out of the gym doors, I got out of my car, not sure why I did it. The rain was light -I ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair.</p><p>Did I want him to see me here? Did I hope he would come to speak to me? What was I doing?</p><p>I didn't move, though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car, knowing my behaviour was reprehensible. I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathed very shallowly as I watched him walk slowly toward me, his mouth turning down at the corners. He didn't look at me. A few times he glanced up at the clouds.</p><p>I was disappointed when he reached his car before he had to pass me. Would he have spoken to me? Would I have spoken to him?</p><p>He got into a faded red Chevy truck, a rusted behemoth that was older than her father. I watched him start the truck-the old engine roared louder than any other vehicle in the lot-and then hold his hands out toward the heating vents. He combed his fingers through his thick hair, pulling at his bun like he was going to let his hair loose and I was strangely disappointed when he did not.</p><p>I imagined what the cab of that truck would smell like, and then quickly drove out the thought.</p><p>He glanced around as he prepared to back out, and finally looked in my direction. He stared back at me for only half a second, and all I could read in his eyes was surprise before he tore his eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse. And then squealed to a stop again, the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teague's compact by mere inches.</p><p>He stared into his rear view mirror, his mouth hanging open with chagrin. When the other car had pulled past him, he checked all his blind spots twice and then inched out the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin. It was like he thought he was dangerous in his decrepit truck.</p><p>The thought of Beau Swan being dangerous to anyone, no matter what he was driving, had me laughing while the boy drove past me, staring straight ahead.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11(Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wonder if ye like Edward's or Beau's POV better?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Truly, I was not thirsty, but I decided to hunt again that night. A small ounce of prevention, inadequate though I knew it to be.</p><p>Carlisle came with me; we hadn't been alone together since I'd returned from Denali. As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week.</p><p>In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair. I felt his surprise and sudden worry.</p><p>"Edward?"</p><p>"I have to go, Carlisle. I have to go now."</p><p>"What's happened?"</p><p>"Nothing. Yet. But it will if I stay."</p><p>He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand. "I don't understand."</p><p>"Have you ever...has there ever been a time..." I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern. "Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them? Much better?"</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>When I'd known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame. He'd reached out to touch me, ignoring it when I'd recoiled again, and left his hand on my shoulder.</p><p>"Do what you must to resist, son. I will miss you. Here, take my car. It's faster." He was wondering now if he'd done the right thing then, sending me away. Wondering if he hadn't hurt me with his lack of trust.</p><p>"No," I whispered as I ran. "That was what I needed. I might so easily have betrayed that trust if you'd told me to stay."</p><p>"I'm sorry you're suffering, Edward. But you should do what you can to keep the Swan child alive. Even if it means that you must leave us again."</p><p>"I know, I know."</p><p>"Why did you come back? You know how happy I am to have you here, but if this is too difficult..."</p><p>"I didn't like feeling a coward," I admitted. We'd slowed -we were barely jogging through the darkness now.</p><p>"Better that than to put him in danger. He'll be gone in a year or two."</p><p>"You're right, I know that." Contrarily, though, his words only made me more anxious to stay. The boy would be gone in a year or two... Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him; he turned to examine my expression.</p><p>But you're not going to run, are you?</p><p>I hung my head.</p><p>Is it pride, Edward? There's no shame in-</p><p>"No, it isn't pride that keeps me here. Not now."</p><p>Nowhere to go?</p><p>I laughed shortly. "No. That wouldn't stop me if I could make myself leave."</p><p>"We'll come with you, of course, if that's what you need. You only have to ask. You've moved on without complaint for the rest of them. They won't begrudge you this."</p><p>I raised one eyebrow.</p><p>He laughed. "Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, it's much better for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended." All humour was gone by the end.</p><p>I flinched at his words.</p><p>"Yes," I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.</p><p>But you're not leaving?</p><p>I sighed. "I should."</p><p>"What holds you here, Edward? I'm failing to see..."</p><p>"I don't know if I can explain." Even to myself, it made no sense.</p><p>He measured my expression for a long moment.</p><p>No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy if you prefer.</p><p>"Thank you. It's generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one." With one exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive him of that, wasn't I?</p><p>We all have our quirks. He laughed again. Shall we?</p><p>He'd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less than mouth-watering aroma. Right now, with the memory of the girl's blood fresh in my mind, the smell actually turned my stomach.</p><p>I sighed. "Let's," I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little.</p><p>We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward.</p><p>It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin sheet of glass covered everything-each pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass was iced over.</p><p>While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the river, waiting for the sun to rise. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I'd consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the boy again.</p><p>Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside the icy bank, stared right through it.</p><p>Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explain my absence. Boarding school in Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway. The story didn't matter. No one would question too intensely.</p><p>It was just a year or two, and then the boy would disappear. He would go on with his life -he would have a life to go on with. He'd go to college somewhere, get older, start a career, perhaps marry someone. I could picture that -I could see the boy dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace, his arm through his father's</p><p>It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldn't understand it. Was I jealous, because he had a future that I could never have? That made no sense. Every one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of them -a life- and I rarely stopped to envy them.</p><p>I should leave him to his future. Stop risking his life. That was the right thing to do. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now.</p><p>The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen glass. One more day, I decided. I would see him one more time. I could handle that. Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up.</p><p>This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was already making me think of excuses to stay-to extend the deadline to two days, three, four... But I would do the right thing. I knew I could trust Carlisle's advice. And I also knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone. Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite?</p><p>I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school. Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor.</p><p>You're leaving again, she accused me.</p><p>I sighed and nodded.</p><p>I can't see where you're going this time.</p><p>"I don't know where I'm going yet," I whispered.</p><p>I want you to stay.</p><p>I shook my head.</p><p>Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?</p><p>"They'll need you all the more if I'm not here to watch out for them. And think of Esme. Would you take half her family away in one blow?"</p><p>You're going to make her so sad.</p><p>"I know. That's why you have to stay."</p><p>That's not the same as having you here, and you know it.</p><p>"Yes. But I have to do what's right."</p><p>There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, aren't there?</p><p>For a brief moment, she has swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in with strange shadows that I couldn't make out-hazy, imprecise forms. And then, suddenly, my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow. This was a place I knew. There was a figure in the meadow with me, but, again, it was indistinct, not there enough to recognize. The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices rearranged the future again.</p><p>"I didn't catch much of that," I told her when the vision went dark.</p><p>Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I can't keep up with any of it. I think, though... –She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for me. They were all the same-blurry and vague.</p><p>"I think something is changing, though," she said out loud. "Your life seems to be at a crossroads."</p><p>I laughed grimly. "You do realize that you sound like a bogus gipsy at a carnival now, right?"</p><p>She stuck her tiny tongue out at me.</p><p>"Today is all right, though, isn't it?" I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive.</p><p>"I don't see you killing anyone today," she assured me.</p><p>"Thanks, Alice."</p><p>"Go get dressed. I won't say anything -I'll let you tell the others when you're ready."</p><p>She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly. Miss you. Really.</p><p>Yes, I would really miss her, too.</p><p>It was a quiet ride to school. Jasper could tell that Alice was upset about something, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done so already. Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazing into each others' eyes with wonder-it was rather disgusting to watch from the outside.</p><p>We were all quite aware of how desperately in love they were. Or maybe I was just being bitter because I was the only one alone. Some days it was harder than others to live with three sets of perfectly matched lovers. This was one of them.</p><p>Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered and belligerent as the old man I should be by now.</p><p>Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the boy. Just preparing myself again. Right.</p><p>It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but him-my whole existence centred around the boy, rather than around myself anymore.</p><p>It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after eighty years of the same thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.</p><p>He had not yet arrived, but could I hear the thunderous chugging of his truck's engine in the distance. I leaned against the side of the car to wait. Alice stayed with me, while the others went straight to class.</p><p>They were bored with my fixation-it was incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter how delicious they smelled.</p><p>The boy drove slowly into view, his eyes intent on the road and his hands tight on the wheel. He seemed anxious about something. It took me a second to figure out what that something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today. Ah, the road was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully. I could see he was taking the added risk seriously.</p><p>That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character. I added this to my small list: he was a serious person, a responsible person.</p><p>He parked not too far from me, but he hadn't noticed me standing here yet, staring at him. I wondered what he would do when he did? Blush and walk away?</p><p>That was my first guess. But maybe he would stare back. Maybe he would come to talk to me.</p><p>I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case.</p><p>He got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before he put his weight on it. He didn't look up, and that frustrated me. Maybe I would go talk to him...</p><p>No, that would be wrong.</p><p>Instead of turning toward the school, he made his way to the rear of the truck, clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting his footing. It made me smile, and I felt Alice's eyes on my face.</p><p>I didn't listen to whatever this made her think -I was having too much fun watching the boy check his snow chains. He actually looked in some danger of falling, the way his feet were sliding around. No one else was having trouble -had he parked in the worst of the ice?</p><p>He paused there, staring down with a strange expression on his face. It was...tender? As if something about the tire was making him... emotional?</p><p>Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if I had to know what he was thinking -as if nothing else mattered.</p><p>I would go talk to him. He looked like he could use a hand anyway, at least until he was off the slick pavement. Of course, I couldn't offer him that, could I? I hesitated, torn. As adverse as he seemed to be to snow, he would hardly welcome the touch of my cold white hand. I should have worn gloves-</p><p>"NO!" Alice gasped aloud.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I opened my eyes in the morning from some feed that I choose to try and not remember, something was different.</p><p>It was the light. It was still the grey-green light of a cloudy day in the forest, but it was clearer somehow. I realized there was no fog veiling my window.</p><p>I jumped up to look outside and squealed embarrassingly in excitement.</p><p>A fine layer of snow covered the yard, dusted the top of my truck, and whitened the road. But that wasn't the only part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid - coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, gorgeous patterns, and making the driveway a beautiful ice slick</p><p>I wasted no time before running downstairs pushing the front door open to experience the beauty that I had missed the day before.</p><p>I ignored the cold on the soles of my feed and took a few steps into the front garden marvelling at the beauty. The snow was falling in beautiful flakes and I sat on the step at the door looking up into the sky letting it fall on my face. It was quite a cleansing ritual. Purifying. Like it was washing away all of the sins from my nightly activities, now since Edward has returned there was no time to slack off. I couldn't chance it. But fuck it was amazing to sit out here my palms and face upturned catching the flakes of snow and breathing in the fresh air.</p><p>I resisted the urge to cry and instead forced a smile. New beginning.</p><p>Fake it until you make it.</p><p>As my mind has been doing for the past few weeks my thoughts turned to Edward Cullen. I tried to tell myself that it was the curiosity of what being he is. But instead my mind wandered to our conversation in biology. Why was he so curious? He seemed interested. Why would be interested if he knew what I was, or if he hated me that much.</p><p>My thoughts were interrupted by Charlie leaving to go to work. I smiled when he almost screamed when he opened the door and saw me sitting on the porch steps.</p><p>"Beau WHAT THE FUCK?!" he almost screamed.</p><p>I gave him a sheepish smile "Sorry, I was just ....emm.." What was I even doing.</p><p>He shook his head and smiled "First time seeing snow eh?"</p><p>I nodded sheepishly.</p><p>"Well rule number one of snow, Bundle up. Jesus kid, go in and put on a jacket or something"</p><p>I laughed awkwardly realising that it wasn't normal for someone to sit out in their pyjamas in the snow and ice. "Sure thing Dad" I jumped up walking back towards the house "Have a good day at work!" I called.</p><p>He didn't reply but his thankfulness, yet awkwardness spoke to me loud enough trough his energy, I smiled.</p><p>I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton. I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.</p><p>I should be avoiding him entirely; I didn't want to fall to temptation and hurt him. I did not want to take his life, take him from his family. And I was suspicious of him; why should he lie about his eyes? I was still frightened of the hostility I sometimes felt emanating from him, and I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured his perfect face. Which was bad, I could not afford to feel any kind of attraction, it would just end up hurting. But wouldn't it be nice to know that I was not alone in this world? Yes, I loved Charlie but he would grow old and eventually I would be seeing him like I saw Nana while I lived on looking forever the same, how would... I stopped my thoughts before I got too far I couldn't think that about right now. So I shouldn't be at all anxious to see him today.</p><p>It took every ounce of my concentration to make it down the icy brick driveway alive. I almost lost my balance when I finally got to the truck, but I managed to cling to the side mirror and save myself. Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish, I did not think about this consequence of the ice.</p><p>Driving to school, I distracted myself from my fear of falling and my unwanted speculations about Edward Cullen by thinking about Mike and Jessica, and the obvious difference in how people responded to me here. I was sure I looked exactly the same as I had in Phoenix. Maybe it was just that the people back home had watched me pass slowly through all the awkward phases of adolescence and still thought of me that way. Or well the few years I was in school. Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between, maybe they were attracted by my aura, had it gotten worse, or did I simply not notice. Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress. Whatever the reason, I wasn't sure if I didn't prefer being ignored.</p><p>It was hard enough to Ignore the urge to feed especially when they were encouraging it and I could feel their lust. It wasn't me they liked. It was whatever attraction they felt from my energy plus whatever image of me they created in their minds; they didn't care to get to know me. Just assume and create a me that they liked. It was depressing to think about.</p><p>My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads. I drove very slowly, though, not wanting to carve a path of destruction through Main Street.</p><p>When I got out of my truck at school, I saw why I'd had so little trouble. Something silver caught my eye, and I walked to the back of the truck - carefully holding the side for support - to examine my tires. There were thin chains crisscrossed in diamond shapes around them. Charlie had gotten up who knows how early or after I went inside to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.</p><p>I was standing by the back corner of the truck, struggling to fight back the sudden wave of emotion the snow chains had brought on when I heard an odd sound.</p><p>It was a high-pitched screech, and it was fast becoming painfully loud. I looked up, startled.</p><p>I saw several things simultaneously. Nothing was moving in slow motion, the way it does in the movies. Instead, the adrenaline rush seemed to make my brain work much faster, and I was able to absorb in clear detail several things at once.</p><p>Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock, I could hear nana screaming for me to move. But of more immediate importance was the dark blue van that was skidding, tires locked and squealing against the brakes, spinning wildly across the ice of the parking lot. It was going to hit the back corner of my truck, and I was standing between them. I didn't even have time to close my eyes, I didn't know how I was going to move. And I was going to explain that I would still be alive after this?</p><p>Just before I heard the shattering crunch of the van folding around the truck bed, something hit me, hard, but not from the direction I was expecting. My head cracked against the icy blacktop, and I felt something solid and cold pinning me to the ground. I was lying on the pavement behind the tan car I'd parked next to. But I didn't have a chance to notice anything else, because the van was still coming. It had curled gratingly around the end of the truck and, still spinning and sliding, was about to collide with me again.</p><p>A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize. Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van's body.</p><p>Then his hands moved so fast they blurred. One was suddenly gripping under the body of the van, and something was dragging me, swinging my legs around like a rag doll's, till they hit the tire of the tan car. A groaning metallic thud hurt my ears, and the van settled, glass popping, onto the asphalt - exactly where, a second ago, my legs had been.</p><p>It was absolutely silent for one long second before the screaming began. In the abrupt bedlam, I could hear more than one person shouting my name. But more clearly than all the yelling, I could hear Edward Cullen's low, frantic voice in my ear.</p><p>"Beau? Are you all right?"</p><p>"I'm fine." My voice sounded strange. I tried to sit up, and realized he was holding me against the side of his body in an iron grasp.</p><p>"Be careful," he warned as I struggled. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."</p><p>I became aware of a throbbing ache centred above my left ear.</p><p>"Ow," I said, surprised.</p><p>"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.</p><p>It was amazing how low the ache of his closeness brought me, I guess almost getting hit by a car dulls your senses. But the more I came too the more I was aware of his arm around me, I struggled to keep myself calm....</p><p>"How in the..." I trailed off, trying to clear my head, get my bearings. "How did you get over here so fast?"</p><p>"I was standing right next to you, Beau," he said, his tone serious again.</p><p>I turned to sit up, and this time he let me, releasing his hold around my waist to my relief and reluctantly admitting disappointment, and sliding as far from me as he could in the limited space. I looked at his concerned, innocent expression and was disoriented again by the force of his gold-coloured eyes. What was I asking him? What was he? Was... How?</p><p>And then they found us, a crowd of people with tears streaming down their faces, shouting at each other, shouting at us.</p><p>"Don't move," someone instructed.</p><p>"Get Tyler out of the van!" someone else shouted.</p><p>There was a flurry of activity around us. I tried to get up, but Edward's cold hand pushed my shoulder down.</p><p>"Just stay put for now."</p><p>"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.</p><p>"You were over there," I suddenly remembered, and his chuckle stopped short. "You were by your car."</p><p>His expression turned hard. "No, I wasn't."</p><p>"I saw you." All around us was chaos. I could hear the gruffer voices of adults arriving on the scene. But I obstinately held on to our argument; I was right, and he was going to admit it. He was... amazing. No spirit could do that could they? I was strong yes but only when I wanted to be, when I focused my energy and admittedly, I was kind of lazy and did not practice that often enough.</p><p>"Beau, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way." He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.</p><p>"No." I set my jaw.</p><p>The gold in his eyes blazed. "Please, Beau."</p><p>"Why?" I demanded, I needed to know. Did he not realise how much I needed this? To know that I was not insane. That I was not alone?</p><p>"Trust me," he pleaded, his soft voice overwhelming.</p><p>I could hear the sirens now. "Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"</p><p>"Fine," he snapped, abruptly exasperated.</p><p>"Fine," I repeated angry that he wouldn't confide in me. He obviously knew what I was. Wasn't it only fair that I knew about him too?!</p><p>It took six EMTs and two teachers - Mr. Varner and Coach Clapp - to shift the van far enough away from us to bring the stretchers in. Edward vehemently refused his, and I tried to do the same, but the traitor told them I'd hit my head and probably had a concussion. I almost started to have a panic attack when they put on the neck brace. It looked like the entire school was there, watching soberly as they loaded me in the back of the ambulance. Edward got to ride in the front. It was maddening.</p><p>Why didn't he save me? I couldn't go to a doctor. What if they saw something strange? How would I explain....</p><p>"Calm down" Sophie whispered from beside me in the ambulance "The amulet around your neck should keep it hidden"</p><p>I nodded panicking looking at the EMT's get into the ambulance, I took deep breaths trying not to have a panic attack. I hated Doctors, hospitals, nurses anything like this. The sterile environment, the uniforms it all added fuel to my anxiety.</p><p>To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.</p><p>"Beau!" he yelled in panic when he recognized me on the stretcher.</p><p>"I'm completely fine Dad," I sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."</p><p>He turned to the closest EMT for a second opinion. I tuned him out to consider the jumble of inexplicable images churning chaotically in my head. When they'd lifted me away from the car, I had seen the deep dent in the tan car's bumper - a very distinct dent that fit the contours of Edward's shoulders... as if he had braced himself against the car with enough force to damage the metal frame...</p><p>And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother's safety.</p><p>I tried to think of a logical solution that could explain what I had just seen - a solution that excluded the assumption that I was insane.</p><p>Naturally, the ambulance got a police escort to the county hospital. I felt terrified the whole time they were unloading me. What made it worse was that Edward simply glided through the hospital doors under his own power. I ground my teeth together.</p><p>They put me in the emergency room, a long room with a line of beds.</p><p>Separated by pastel-patterned curtains. A nurse put a pressure cuff on my arm and a thermometer under my tongue. Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore. When the nurse walked away, I quickly unfastened the Velcro and threw it under the bed.</p><p>There was another flurry of hospital personnel, another stretcher brought to the bed next to me. I recognized Tyler Crowley from my Government class beneath the bloodstained bandages wrapped tightly around his head. Tyler looked a hundred times worse than I felt. But he was staring anxiously at me.</p><p>"Beau, I'm so sorry!"</p><p>"I'm fine, Tyler - you look awful, are you all right?" As we spoke, nurses began unwinding his soiled bandages, exposing a myriad of shallow slices all over his forehead and left cheek.</p><p>He ignored me. "I thought I was going to kill you! I was going too fast, and I hit the ice wrong..." He winced as one nurse started dabbing at his face.</p><p>"Don't worry about it; you missed me."</p><p>"How did you get out of the way so fast? You were there, and then you were gone..."</p><p>"Umm... Edward pulled me out of the way."</p><p>He looked confused. "Who?"</p><p>"Edward Cullen - he was standing next to me." I'd always been a terrible liar; I didn't sound convincing at all.</p><p>"Cullen? I didn't see him... wow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?"</p><p>"I think so. He's here somewhere, but they didn't make him use a stretcher."</p><p>I knew I wasn't crazy. What had happened? There was no way to explain away what I'd seen.</p><p>They wheeled me away then, to X-ray my head. I told them there was nothing wrong, and I was right. Not even a concussion. I asked if I could leave, but the nurse said I had to talk to a doctor first. So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me. No matter how many times I tried to convince him I was fine, he continued to torment himself. Finally, I closed my eyes and ignored him. He kept up a remorseful mumbling.</p><p>I hate hospitals.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"NO!" Alice gasped aloud.</p><p>Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice and she saw me doing something inexcusable. But it had nothing to do with me at all.</p><p>Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious speed. This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice...</p><p>The vision came just half a second before the reality. Tyler's van rounded the corner as I was still watching the conclusion that had pulled the horrified gasp through Alice's lips.</p><p>No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had everything to do with me because Tyler's van the tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle-was going to spin across the lot and crush the boy who had become the uninvited focal point of my world.</p><p>Even without Alice's foresight, it would have been simple enough to read the trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tyler's control.</p><p>The boy, standing in the exact wrong place at the back of his truck, looked up, bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires. He looked straight into my horror-struck eyes, and then turned to watch his approaching death.</p><p>Not him! The words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else.</p><p>Still locked into Alice's thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had no time to see what the outcome would be.</p><p>I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van and the frozen boy. I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object of my focus. He didn't see me -no human eyes could have followed my flight-still staring at the hulking shape that was about to grind his body into the metal frame of his truck.</p><p>I caught him around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as gentle as he would need me to be. In the hundredth of a second between the time that I yanked his slight form out of the path of death and the time that I crashed into to the ground with him in my arms, I was vividly aware of his fragile, breakable body.</p><p>When I heard his head crack against the ice, it felt like I had turned to ice, too.</p><p>But I didn't even have a full second to ascertain his condition. I heard the van behind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the boy's truck. It was changing course, arcing, coming for him again -like he was a magnet, pulling it toward us.</p><p>A word I'd never said before aloud slid between my clenched teeth.</p><p>I had already done too much. As I'd nearly flown through the air to push him out of the way, I'd been fully aware of the mistake I was making. Knowing that it was a mistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was taking -taking, not just for myself, but for my entire family.</p><p>Exposure.</p><p>And this certainly wasn't going to help, but there was no way I was going to allow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take his life.</p><p>I dropped his and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch the boy. The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside his truck, and I could feel its frame buckle behind my shoulders. The van shuddered and shivered against the unyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on the two far tires. If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going fall onto his legs.</p><p>Oh, for the love of all that was holy, would the catastrophes never end? Was there anything else that could go wrong? I could hardly sit here, holding the van in the air, and wait for rescue. Nor could I throw the van away-there was the driver to consider, his thoughts incoherent with panic.</p><p>With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for an instant. As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while I wrapped my left arm around the boy's waist again and drug him out from under the van, pulling him tight up against my side. His body moved limply as I swung him around so that his legs would be in the clear -was he conscious? How much damage had I done to him in my impromptu rescue attempt?</p><p>I let the van drop, now that it could not hurt him. It crashed to the pavement, all the windows shattering in unison.</p><p>I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis. How much had he seen? Had any other witnesses watched me materialize at his side and then juggle the van while I tried to keep him out from under it? These questions should be my biggest concern. But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as I should. Too panic-stricken that I might have injured him myself in my effort to protect him. Too frightened to have him this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowed myself to inhale. Too aware of the heat of his soft body, pressed against mine-even through the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat...</p><p>The first fear was the greatest fear. As the screaming of the witnesses erupted around us, I leaned down to examine his face, to see if he was conscious -hoping fiercely that he was not bleeding anywhere.</p><p>His eyes were open, staring in shock.</p><p>"Beau?" I asked urgently. "Are you all right?"</p><p>"I'm fine," he said the words automatically in a dazed voice.</p><p>Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of his voice. I sucked in a breath through my teeth and did not mind the accompanying burn in my throat. I almost welcomed it.</p><p>He struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release him. It felt somehow...safer? Better, at least,</p><p>having him tucked into my side.</p><p>"Be careful," I warned him. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."</p><p>There had been no smell of fresh blood -a mercy, that- but this did not rule out internal damage. I was abruptly anxious to get him to Carlisle and a full complement of radiology equipment.</p><p>"Ow," he said, her tone comically shocked as he realized I was right about his head.</p><p>"That's what I thought." Relief made it funny to me, made me almost giddy.</p><p>"How in the..." his voice trailed off, and his eyelids fluttered. "How did you get over here so fast?"</p><p>The relief turned sour, the humour vanished. He had noticed too much. Now that it appeared that the boy was in decent shape, the anxiety for my family became severe.</p><p>"I was standing right next to you, Beau." I knew from experience that if I was very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth. He struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it. I needed to breathe so that I could play my role correctly. I needed space from his warm-blooded heat so that it would not combine with his scent to overwhelm me. I slid away from him, as far as was possible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles.</p><p>He stared up at me, and I stared back. To look away first was a mistake only an incompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar. My expression was smooth, benign... It seemed to confuse him.</p><p>That was good.</p><p>The accident scene was surrounded now. Mostly students, children, peering and pushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible. There was a babble of shouting and a gush of shocking thoughts. I scanned the thoughts once to make sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the boy.</p><p>He was distracted by the bedlam. He glanced around, his expression still stunned, and tried to get to his feet.</p><p>I put my hand lightly on his shoulder to hold him down. "Just stay put for now." he seemed alright, but should he really be moving his neck? Again, I wished for Carlisle. My years of theoretical medical study were no match for his centuries of hands-on medical practice.</p><p>"But it's cold," he objected.</p><p>He had almost been crushed to death two distinct times and crippled one more, and it was the cold that worried him. A chuckle slid through my teeth before I could remember that the situation was not funny.</p><p>Beau blinked, and then his eyes focused on my face. "You were over there."</p><p>That sobered me again.</p><p>He glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but the crumpled side of the van.</p><p>"You were by your car."</p><p>"No, I wasn't."</p><p>"I saw you," he insisted; his voice was childlike when he was being stubborn. His chin jutted out.</p><p>"Beau, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way."</p><p>I stared deeply into his wide eyes, trying to will him into accepting my version -the only rational version on the table.</p><p>His jaw set. "No."</p><p>I tried to stay calm, to not panic. If only I could keep him quiet for a few moments, to give me a chance to destroy the evidence....and undermine his story by disclosing his head injury.</p><p>Shouldn't it be easy to keep this silent, secretive boy quiet? If only he would trust me, just for a few moments...</p><p>"Please, Beau," I said, and my voice was too intense because I suddenly wanted him to trust me. Wanted it badly, and not just in regard to this accident. A stupid desire. What sense would it make for him to trust me?</p><p>"Why?" he asked, still defensive.</p><p>"Trust me," I pleaded.</p><p>"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"</p><p>It made me angry to have to lie to him again when I so much wished that I could somehow deserve his trust. So, when I answered him, it was a retort.</p><p>"Fine."</p><p>"Fine," he echoed in the same tone.</p><p>While the rescue attempt began around us -adults arriving, authorities called, sirens in the distance- I tried to ignore the boy and get my priorities in the right order. I searched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I could find nothing dangerous. Many were surprised to see me here beside Beau, but all concluded -as there was no other possible conclusion- that they had just not noticed me standing by the boy before the accident.</p><p>He was the only one who didn't accept the easy explanation, but he would be considered the least reliable witness. He had been frightened, traumatized, not to mention sustaining the blow to the head.</p><p>Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable for his story to be confused, wouldn't it? No one would give it much credence above so many other spectators...</p><p>I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arriving on the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.</p><p>I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car, but the boy was too close. I'd have to wait till he was distracted.</p><p>It was frustrating to wait-so many eyes on me-as the humans struggled with the van, trying to pull it away from us. I might have helped them, just to speed the process, but I was already in enough trouble and the boy had sharp eyes. Finally, they were able to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers.</p><p>A familiar, grizzled face appraised me.</p><p>"Hey, Edward," Brett Warner said. He was also a registered nurse, and I knew him well from the hospital. It was a stroke of luck-the only luck today-that he was the first through to us. In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm. "You okay, kid?"</p><p>"Perfect, Brett. Nothing touched me. But I'm afraid Beau here might have a concussion. He really hit his head when I yanked him out of the way..."</p><p>Brett turned his attention to the boy, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. He was the quiet martyr -he'd prefer to suffer in silence.</p><p>He did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feel easier. The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasn't too difficult to dissuade him. I promised I would let my father examine me, and he let it go.</p><p>With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans, just not the boy, of course. Did he fit into any of the normal patterns? As they put a neck brace on him -and his face flushed scarlet with embarrassment-I used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of the dent in the tan car with the back of my foot. Only my siblings noticed what I was doing, and I heard Emmett's mental promise to catch anything I missed.</p><p>Grateful for his help -and more grateful that Emmett, at least, had already forgiven my dangerous choice- I was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of the ambulance next to Brett. The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Beau into the back of the ambulance. Though Beau's father's thoughts were past words, the panic and concern emanating out of the man's mind drown out just about every other thought in the vicinity. Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only son on the gurney.</p><p>Washed out of him and through me, echoing and growing stronger. When Alice had warned me that killing Charlie Swan's son would kill him, too, she had not been exaggerating. My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice.</p><p>"Beau!" he shouted.</p><p>"I'm completely fine, Dad." he sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."</p><p>His assurance barely soothed his dread. He turned at once to the closest EMT and demanded more information. I wasn't until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despite his panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concern were not wordless. I just...could not hear the exact words.</p><p>Hmm. Charlie Swan was not as silent as his son, but I could see where he got it from. Interesting.</p><p>I'd never spent much time around the town's police chief. I'd always taken him for a man of slow thought-now I realized that I was the one who was slow. His thoughts were partially concealed, not absent. I could only make out the tenor, the tone of them...</p><p>I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key to the boy's secrets. But Beau was loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was on its way.</p><p>It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had come to obsess me. But I had to think now-to look at what had been done today from every angle. I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger that we would have to leave immediately. I had to concentrate.</p><p>There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me. As far as they could tell, there was nothing seriously wrong with the boy. And Beau was sticking to the story I'd provided, thus far.</p><p>The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle. I hurried through the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Beau; I kept an eye on him through the paramedics' thoughts.</p><p>It was easy to find my father's familiar mind. He was in his small office, all alone -the second stroke of luck in this luckless day.</p><p>"Carlisle."</p><p>He'd heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face. He jumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white. He leaned forward across the neatly organized walnut desk.</p><p>Edward-you didn't-</p><p>"No, no, it's not that."</p><p>He took a deep breath. Of course not. I'm sorry I entertained the thought. Your eyes, of course, I should have known... He noted my still -golden eyes with relief.</p><p>"He's hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, but-"</p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>"A stupid car accident. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I couldn't just stand there -let it crush him-"</p><p>Start over, I don't understand. How were you involved?</p><p>"A van skidded across the ice," I whispered. I stared at the wall behind him while I spoke. Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil painting -a favourite of his, an undiscovered Hassam.</p><p>"He was in the way. Alice saw it coming, but there wasn't time to do anything but really run across the lot and shove him out of the way. No one noticed...except for him. I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody saw that...besides him. I'm...I'm sorry Carlisle. I didn't mean to put us in danger." He circled the desk and put his hand on my shoulder.</p><p>You did the right thing. And it couldn't have been easy for you. I'm proud of you, Edward.</p><p>I could look him in the eye then. "He knows there's something...wrong with me."</p><p>"That doesn't matter. If we have to leave, we leave. What has he said?"</p><p>I shook my head, a little frustrated. "Nothing yet."</p><p>Yet?</p><p>"He agreed to my version of events -but he's expecting an explanation."</p><p>He frowned, pondering this.</p><p>"He hit his head -well, I did that," I continued quickly. "I knocked him to the ground fairly hard. He seems fine, but... I don't think it will take much to discredit his account."</p><p>I felt like a cad just saying the words. Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice. Perhaps that won't be necessary. Let's see what happens, shall we? It sounds like I have a patient to check on.</p><p>"Please," I said. "I'm so worried that I hurt him."</p><p>Carlisle's expression brightened. He smoothed his fair hair -just a few shades lighter than his golden eyes- and he laughed.</p><p>It's been an interesting day for you, hasn't it? In his mind, I could see the irony, and it was humorous, at least to him. Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during that short thoughtless second when I'd sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from killer to protector.</p><p>I laughed with him, remembering how sure I'd been that Beau would never need protection from anything more than myself. There was an edge to my laugh because, van notwithstanding, that was still entirely true.</p><p>I waited alone in Carlisle's office-one of the longer hours I had ever lived-listening to the hospital full of thoughts.</p><p>Tyler Crowley, the van's driver, looked to be hurt worse than Beau, and the attention shifted to him while he waited his turn to be X-rayed. Carlisle kept in the background, trusting the PA's diagnosis that the boy was only slightly injured. This made me anxious, but I knew he was right. One glance at his face and he would be immediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about my family, and that might set him talking.</p><p>He certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with. Tyler was consumed with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed him, and he couldn't seem to shut up about it. I could see his expression through his eyes, and it was clear that he wished he would stop. How did he not see that?</p><p>There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked him how he'd gotten out of the way. I waited, not breathing, as he hesitated.</p><p>"Um..." he heard him say. Then he paused for so long that Tyler wondered if his question had confused him. Finally, he went on. "Edward pulled me out of the way."</p><p>I exhaled. And then my breathing accelerated. I'd never heard him speak my name before. I like the way it sounded -even just hearing it through Tyler's thoughts. I wanted to hear it for myself...</p><p>"Edward Cullen," he said, when Tyler didn't realize who he meant. I found myself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see him was growing stronger. I had to remind myself of the need for caution.</p><p>"He was standing next to me."</p><p>"Cullen?" Huh. That's weird. "I didn't see him." I could have sworn... "Wow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?"</p><p>"I think so. He's here somewhere, but they didn't make him use a stretcher." I saw the thoughtful look on his face, the suspicious tightening of his eyes, but these little changes in his expression were lost on Tyler.</p><p>He's actually kind of pretty for a dude....girly, he was thinking, almost in surprise. Even all messed up.... I should take him out. Make up for today...</p><p>I was out in the hall, then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking for one second about what I was doing. Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I could-it was Beau's turn for X-rays. I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around the corner, and tried to get a grip on myself while he was wheeled away.</p><p>It didn't matter that Tyler thought he was attractive. Anyone would notice that. There was no reason for me to feel...how did I feel? Annoyed? Or was angry closer to the truth? That made no sense at all.</p><p>I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me and I took a back way around to the radiology room. He'd already been moved back to the ER, but I was able to take a peek at his x-rays while the nurse's back was turned.</p><p>I felt calmer when I had. His head was fine. I hadn't hurt him, not really.</p><p>Carlisle caught me there.</p><p>You look better, he commented.</p><p>I just looked straight ahead. We weren't alone, the halls full of orderlies and visitors.</p><p>Ah, yes. He stuck his x-rays to the light board, but I didn't need a second look. I see. He's absolutely fine. Well done, Edward.</p><p>The sound of my father's approval created a mixed reaction in me. I would have been pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to do now. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations...</p><p>"I think I'm going to go talk to him -before he sees you," I murmured under my breath. "Act natural, like nothing happened. Smooth it over." All acceptable reasons.</p><p>Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the x-rays. "Good idea. Hmm."</p><p>I looked to see what had his interest.</p><p>Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did his mother drop him? Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke.</p><p>"I'm beginning to think the boy just has really bad luck. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time."</p><p>Forks is certainly the wrong place for him, with you here.</p><p>I flinched.</p><p>Hmmm.... That's peculiar.</p><p>I turned back around anxious about his sudden change in tone. "What is it?!"</p><p>Nothing... I think. There's just something barely noticeable, the frontal bone here on his forehead seems to be thicker than usual.</p><p>I didn't know what to make of that but he just waved me on assuring me it was probably nothing.</p><p>Go ahead. Smooth things over. I'll join you momentarily.</p><p>I walked away quickly, feeling guilty. Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle.</p><p>When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing. The boy was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep. His eyes were closed, but his breathing was not even, and now and then his fingers would twitch impatiently, the more I observed though it seemed to be less out of anger and more....nervousness.</p><p>Perhaps he was afraid of me. That would be fair. He has witnessed far more than any human has ever witnessed of my abnormalities. He wouldn't have the chance to see anymore. I stared at his face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see him.</p><p>That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave any puzzle unsolved?</p><p>That did not seem like enough of an explanation.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Is he sleeping?" a musical voice asked. My eyes flew open.</p><p>Edward was standing at the foot of my bed, smirking. I glared at him. Of course, he was walking around no bother, telling people I hit my head! Did he really think I would tell anyone?! Did he think I wanted to go back to the nuthouse?</p><p>"Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry -" Tyler began.</p><p>Edward lifted a hand to stop him.</p><p>"No blood, no foul," he said, flashing his brilliant teeth. He moved to sit on the edge of Tyler's bed, facing me. He smirked again.</p><p>"So, what's the verdict?" he asked me.</p><p>"There's nothing wrong with me at all, but they won't let me go," I complained dying to get out of here "How come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"</p><p>"It's all about who you know," he answered. "But don't worry, I came to spring you."</p><p>Then a doctor walked around the corner, and my mouth fell open. He was young, he was blond... and he was as handsome as any movie star I'd ever seen. He was pale, though, and tired-looking, with circles under his eyes. From Charlie's description, this had to be Edward's father. A super-strong, supernatural doctor. Good? Bad? Did he hate me too? What did Edward tell him?</p><p>His energy concerned me; he was curious... maybe too curious. And his energy seemed almost....old? Like Nana, she was wise and old but looked young.</p><p>"So, Mr Swan," Dr Cullen said in a remarkably appealing voice, "how are you feeling?"</p><p>"I'm fine," I said, for the last time, I hoped, I didn't care if he was a supernatural doctor and could maybe help me but my mind was overthinking and my palms were getting sweaty. I needed to get out. Now.</p><p>He walked to the lightboard on the wall over my head and turned it on.</p><p>"Your X-rays look good," he said. "Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard."</p><p>"It's fine," I repeated with a sigh, throwing a quick scowl toward Edward, the traitor. I didn't want to be here.</p><p>The doctor's cool fingers probed lightly along my skull. He noticed when I winced.</p><p>"Tender?" he asked.</p><p>"Not really." I'd had worse, way worse.</p><p>I heard a chuckle and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile. My eyes narrowed. I wanted to punch him in the face. Was this their story they were fabricating? Crazy kid gets hit on the head and starts talking about magical men running across parking lots? I suppose it was fair they had to protect themselves.... They didn't know me personally. How did I show they could trust me.</p><p>Why was I even thinking about this? I had to stay away from them! Though Edwards father was not as appealing to me he still had a stronger attraction than humans. I shouldn't be inviting the temptation.</p><p>"Well, your father is in the waiting room. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all." He said indicating towards my jacket and shoes on the bed.</p><p>"Can't I go back to school?" I asked, imagining facing Charlie after worrying and disappointing him again.</p><p>"Maybe you should take it easy today."</p><p>I glanced at Edward. "Does he get to go to school?"</p><p>"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.</p><p>"Actually," Dr Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."</p><p>"Oh no," I moaned, covering my face with my hands horrified. That was all I needed right now.</p><p>Dr Cullen raised his eyebrows. "Do you want to stay?"</p><p>"No, no!" I insisted, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and hopping down quickly dying to get out, I was starting to shake. Too quickly - I staggered, and Dr Cullen caught me. He looked concerned.</p><p>"We might just keep you in for a while, for observation"</p><p>"I'm fine," I assured him again. No need to tell him my balance problems had nothing to do with hitting my head.</p><p>"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he suggested as he steadied me.</p><p>"It doesn't hurt that bad," I insisted.</p><p>"It sounds like you were extremely lucky," Dr Cullen said, smiling as he signed my chart with a flourish.</p><p>"Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me," I amended with a hard glance at the subject of my statement.</p><p>"Oh, well, yes," Dr Cullen agreed, suddenly occupied with the papers in front of him. Then he looked away, at Tyler,in the next bed. My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it, of course he was.</p><p>My dad chose this time to come in and I didn't know if I was afraid or thankful. But the sheer amount of worry that he emitted calmed me down. Just a bit.</p><p>"Beau!" he exclaimed. Coming over to me and wrapping me in his arms catching me off guard. I froze in shock not used to... well, a caring touch. It calmed my panicked breathing.</p><p>"Ah Sheriff Swan" Dr Cullen greeted they both shook hands and unfortunately Dad let go of me to do so. I quickly put on my jacket, struggling with my shoes to get out of here.</p><p>"Is everything okay doctor?"</p><p>"Everything seems to be in order, just make sure he gets some rest for today and come back in if there's any dizziness. There's just one thing I wanted to mention...." He trailed off.</p><p>"Your x-ray!" Nana said urgently startling me "he noticed something unusual, larger bone density or something on your forehead"</p><p>I stood up startling them from their conversation.</p><p>"Is it about the bone thing?" I tried to play it casual and failed miserably....probably should have waited for him to say something, now I just looked more suspicious.</p><p>The room was silent, I gulped nervously.</p><p>"Yes.... The frontal-" he began.</p><p>"Yeah" I agreed before he could go more into it "I've had a bunch of tests done " I lied "It's nothing, just some weird thing I was born with, it's just pure bone"</p><p>Dad looked at me confused but I think he saw the panic in my eyes and understood, he knew I hated hospitals.</p><p>"I suppose that's it then, rest well Mr Swan"</p><p>I nodded feeling guilty for being rude "Sorry Dr Cullen, I just have this really stupid irrational fear of hospitals"</p><p>His smile turned genuine and he nodded "It's okay I understand" he said goodbye to us and began to walk over to the other end of the room to Tyler.</p><p>"I'm afraid that you'll have to stay with us just a little bit longer," he said to Tyler and began checking his cuts.</p><p>"You really okay, Beau?" my Dad asked his hands on my shoulders gazing into my eyes.</p><p>I did not want to lie to him, no I was not okay. I could not burden him with this.</p><p>So I did what I do best and slapped on a smile and nodded. He didn't look like he believed me but he gave me another hug and I took a shaky breath against his chest. I stepped away though, not wanting to cry. We both smiled awkwardly.</p><p>"I called your mother" he huffed with emotion.</p><p>I felt my mood turn bitter "Oh?"</p><p>"I think we need to have a talk" he looked at me.</p><p>I shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably and nodded, not wanting to talk about this, or think what that meant.</p><p>"Okay, can we talk about it when we get home?"</p><p>He nodded and handed me my other shoe and was waiting patiently, I did not want to have this conversation.</p><p>I looked up and caught sight of Edward waiting at the door frowning at my Dad, confused. And I remembered our previous discussion.</p><p>"Dad, actually I need to go to the toilet real quick. You can wait in the car"</p><p>He nodded leaving me alone in the room with Edward, well except for Dr Cullen and Tyler hidden by the privacy curtain.</p><p>"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked under my breath. He took a step back from me, his jaw suddenly clenched.</p><p>"Your father is waiting for you," he said through his teeth.</p><p>I glanced in the direction of Dr. Cullen and Tyler.</p><p>"I'd like to speak with you alone, if you don't mind," I pressed.</p><p>He glared, and then turned his back and strode down the long room. I nearly had to run to keep up. As soon as we turned the corner into a short hallway, he spun around to face me.</p><p>"What do you want?" he asked, sounding annoyed. His eyes were cold.</p><p>His unfriendliness intimidated me. My words came out with less severity than I'd intended. "You owe me an explanation," I reminded him.</p><p>"I saved your life - I don't owe you anything."</p><p>I flinched back from the resentment in his voice. "You promised."</p><p>"Beau, you hit your head, you don't know what you're talking about." His tone was cutting.</p><p>My temper flared now, and I glared defiantly at him. "There's nothing wrong with my head." He nearly got me figured out! What if his father wanted to do some fucking biopsy on my head what the fuck would I do then?!? I guess as long as they keep their secret.</p><p>He glared back. "What do you want from me, Beau?"</p><p>"I want to know the truth," I said. "I want to know why I'm lying for you." I want to know that IM NOT ALONE.</p><p>"What do you think happened?" he snapped.</p><p>It came out in a rush.</p><p>"All I know is that you weren't anywhere near me - Tyler didn't see you, either, so don't tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both - and it didn't, and your hands left dents in the side of it - and you left a dent in the other car, and you're not hurt at all - and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up..." I could hear how crazy it sounded, to say out loud I had this undeniable fear that he was going to tell everyone that I'm crazy, and I would be put back in the nuthouse, and I couldn't continue. I was so mad I could feel the tears coming; I tried to force them back by grinding my teeth together.</p><p>He was staring at me incredulously. But his face was tense, defensive. His energy was pained, anger directed at himself.</p><p>"You think I lifted a van off you?" His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor. I could tell by his guilt he was lying.</p><p>I merely nodded once; jaw tight. It was only fair, right? He seemed to hold all the power in this situation. It made me uncomfortable.....trapped.</p><p>"Nobody will believe that you know." His voice held an edge of derision now.</p><p>"I'm not going to tell anybody," I said each word slowly, carefully controlling my anger.</p><p>Surprise flitted across his face. "Then why does it matter?"</p><p>"It matters to me" I insisted unsure how to express how much it meant to me. How much I needed it to be true.</p><p>"Can't you just thank me and get over it?"</p><p>"Thank you." I waited, fuming and expectant.</p><p>"You're not going to let it go, are you?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"In that case... I hope you enjoy disappointment."</p><p>We scowled at each other in silence. I was the first to speak, trying to keep myself focused. I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel. The energy was flying around me like flames flickering against me. Burning my skin my insides. I felt like I was either going to faint or collapse from the intensity of it.</p><p>"Why did you even bother?" I asked frigidly, needing to know something, anything.</p><p>He paused, and for a brief moment, his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.</p><p>"I don't know," he whispered.</p><p>And then he turned his back on me and walked away.</p><p>I was so angry; it took me a few minutes until I could move. When I could walk, I made my way slowly to the exit at the end of the hallway.</p><p>***</p><p>The drive home wasn't exactly awkward, but it was tense.</p><p>I wasn't exactly sure what he was going to ask but I could imagine, and I was terrified.</p><p>He stopped for take out on the way home, his energy was blazing with anger.</p><p>We got home and he put it on the table and I was eating slowly waiting for him to burst.</p><p>"So your mom.....she....she " he huffed his face turning red anger radiating from him in a bright red hue.</p><p>I did not want to be here. I had enough for today. I just wanted to pass out.</p><p>What did she tell him? What did she say? Why would she do this to me?</p><p>He couldn't seem to find the words though and just stood there exhaling as if he was going to speak then stopped himself.</p><p>"What has been going on?" is what he finally decided on.</p><p>"I don't know what you're talking about" I blurted out. Lying through my teeth, he knew, of course, she would tell him. Why wouldn't she? I wasn't around her anymore, she didn't have to be afraid of me anymore. She was free.</p><p>I tried not to tear up but I could feel my breath coming faster without my permission. It was hard to breathe, the air wasn't reaching my lungs properly. He was going to kick me out, or hell even arrest me! Where was I going to go, what was I going to do.</p><p>I looked around in a panic for help but Nana wasn't here, where was she when I needed her. Why didn't she realise I needed help?!</p><p>Charlie's anger wasn't snuffed in the slightest, in fact, my answer seemed to make it worse.</p><p>"I thought Renae was better than that! I thought leaving you with her would be healing for you both after everything that happened! But ... Oh god" he sat down and put his head in his hands "What did she do Beau, give it to me straight"</p><p>..... I was at a loss. This was not what I expected. What did mom say??</p><p>"I.. What?" I was so shocked. The food on the table forgotten, the breath was knocked out of me.</p><p>"What ..... after what happened with Brian. I agreed to let you stay with her because she promised me that she would take care of you! That she wasn't mad, that she would let you visit me whenever and she would quit her job and make sure you were taken care of and you would be taking to your appointments weekly" he ranted "But did she!? What happened Beau, why was she so cold on the phone, is it this new husband of hers?"</p><p>He knew. ... he's always known. But Mom said....</p><p>"I was allowed to visit you? But I wasn't .... Mom said I wasn't allowed to leave the nuthouse... she said that you didn't know, that you didn't want to visit me there that ....that"</p><p>That dad didn't know!! That nobody knew! After Brian, moms second husband attacked me and I killed him, mom sent me to a psychiatric hospital, for my own good. They'd help me but they just... they just. It just got worse! And worse! Worse... so much fucking worse.</p><p>I felt like my whole body was vibrating. How could she!</p><p>"Nu-" he stopped and his whole face went from his deep red colour to sheet white "Beau... please tell me she didn't"</p><p>I didn't know what to say. Why is he mad about that? Wasn't it only fair? I was lucky! I should have gone to prison! He should want me in prison at the bottom of some deep dark well anywhere away from him! HE KNEW! His son's-</p><p>"Why does it matter, Dad?!" I exploded "I should still be there! You shouldn't have taken me out. I'm a monster!" I was gasping for breath now, my eyes were burning "I'm a monster" I gasped wrapping my hands around my legs burying my face in my knees sobbing, ugly chest wrenching sobs "I'm a monster" I start scratching at my arms, needing something to hurt, to hurt more than the pain in my chest, more than the lack of air.</p><p>"Beau!" I faintly heard a shout in the background of my breakdown.</p><p>But I couldn't snap out of it. It was too much it was all too much.</p><p>I just wanted it all to end.</p><p>I couldn't go on like this, Charlie knew, I couldn't let him have to live with this. He was a sheriff for fucks sake. Why did I ever think this would work? I couldn't do anything right.</p><p>I don't know how long it took but eventually, I became aware of my surroundings. A warm chest against my back an arm around me, restraining me, holding my hands crossed against my chest.</p><p>The other holding my forehead against his chest, I was too small to reach his shoulder and his legs were wrapped around mine holding me down.</p><p>Eventually, I was calmed down enough to where my breathing was more normal, just a bit shaky.</p><p>I don't know how long we sat there like that, dad holding me. I wanted to cry all over again but for different reasons. Why was he still here?</p><p>"Beau?" he said softly after a while.</p><p>"Yeah" I whispered my face feeling hot with embarrassment. I couldn't believe I just did that. I've been holding it in so long and to do it now of all times? In front of my dad, who I promised to keep happy and safe.</p><p>He was silent, but his energy was enough for me. He was emitting waves of sorrow, comfort, love and...guilt. The tears streamed silently down my face.</p><p>"I always knew you were different Beau" he spoke softly making me freeze "Your grandma used to always say it, I didn't want you to have any different of a life than anyone else though, we don't have to talk about that right now if you don't want to" he took a deep breath, "I thought I was always clear that I was always here if you needed me, but apparently not. Things are going to change around here"</p><p>I couldn't open my mouth to object. Because I couldn't. it wasn't his fault. Mom always told me that he -......</p><p>"We are put in difficult situations in our life. Some peoples are different to others and we have to make the best of what cards were dealt. " he put his hand on my cheek turning me to face him. The intensity in his eyes stopped all of my thoughts "You are not a Monster Beau, you were dealt a shitty hand of cards and you did what you had to do to survive. We as parents failed to protect you, you were just a child. But that's all going to change"</p><p>I opened my mouth to ask but he beat me to it.</p><p>"I'm always here if you need me, Beau, no matter what it is. I'm here"</p><p>I could do nothing but nod, emotions I couldn't handle clawing at my throat. But I was all cried out.</p><p>"And from Thursday on, you'll be seeing Ms Molloy. A therapist in town, weekly"</p><p>Well Shit.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was out of town for a while so I decided to make up for not uploading with a triple update. And I think people prefer Beau's pov but I already had these written, future chapters will be mostly Beau's.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way to behave.</p><p>By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. Just Tyler and Beau and a few others who were probably using the accident as a chance to ditch remained absent.</p><p>It shouldn't be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I was gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning ditch, too-in order to go find the boy again. Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed, vampire stalker.</p><p>School today was-somehow, impossibly-even more boring than it had seemed just a week ago. Comalike.</p><p>It was as if the colour had drained from the bricks, the trees, the sky, the faces around me... I stared at the cracks in the walls.</p><p>There was another right thing I should be doing...that I was not. Of course, it was also a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.</p><p>From the perspective of a Cullen-not just a vampire, but a Cullen, someone who belonged to a family, such a rare state in our world-the right thing to do would have gone something like this:</p><p>"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."</p><p>"Yes, I was, Mr Banner, but I was the lucky one." A friendly smile. "I didn't get hurt at all... I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Beau."</p><p>"How are they?"</p><p>"I think Tyler is fine...just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass. I'm not sure about Beau, though." A worried frown. "He might have a concussion. I heard he was pretty incoherent for a while seeing things even. I know the doctors were worried..."</p><p>That's how it should have gone. That's what I owed my family.</p><p>"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."</p><p>"I wasn't hurt." No smile.</p><p>Mr Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable. "Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Beau Swan are? I heard there were some injuries..."</p><p>I shrugged. "I wouldn't know."</p><p>Mr Banner cleared his throat. "Er, right..." he said, my cold stare making his voice sound a bit strained.</p><p>He walked quickly back to the front of the classroom and began his lecture.</p><p>It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure point of view. It just seemed so...so unchivalrous to slander the boy behind his back, especially when he was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. He hadn't said anything to betray me, despite having a good reason to do so. Would I betray him when he had done nothing but keep my secret?</p><p>I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs Goff-just in Spanish rather than in English-and Emmett gave me a long look.</p><p>I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Rose is on the warpath.</p><p>I rolled my eyes without looking at him.</p><p>I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation. Just suppose I hadn't done anything to stop the van from crushing the boy... I recoiled from that thought. But if he had been hit, if he'd been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting on the blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air ...</p><p>I shuddered again, but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, I would not have been able to watch him bleed without exposing us all in a much more flagrant and shocking way.</p><p>It was a perfectly sound excuse...but I wouldn't use it. It was too shameful. And I hadn't thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.</p><p>Look out for Jasper, Emmett went on, oblivious to my reverie. He's not as angry...but he's more resolved.</p><p>I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me. My rage was so all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.</p><p>SHEESH, EDWARD! GET A GRIP! Emmett shouted at me in his head. His hand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet.</p><p>He rarely used his full strength -there was rarely a need, for he was so much stronger than any vampire any of us had ever encountered-but he used it now. He gripped my arm, rather than pushing me down.</p><p>If he'd been pushing, the chair under me would have collapsed.</p><p>EASY! He ordered.</p><p>I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.</p><p>Jasper's not going to do anything until we all talk. I just thought you should know the direction he's headed.</p><p>I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmett's hand loosen.</p><p>Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself. You're in enough trouble as it is.</p><p>I took a deep breath and Emmett released me.</p><p>I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short and silent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed. None of them knew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. The Cullen's were freaks-everyone knew that already.</p><p>Damn, kid, you're a mess, Emmett added, sympathy in his tone.</p><p>"Bite me," I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle.</p><p>Emmett didn't hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easy-going nature. But I could see that Jasper's intentions made sense to Emmett, that he was considering how it might be the best course of action.</p><p>The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was, but he'd yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated, but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was a part of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.</p><p>A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my family over a human I barely knew?</p><p>I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the boy's body in my arms in juxtaposition with Jasper, Rose, and Emmett-supernaturally strong and fast, killing machines by nature...</p><p>Yes, I would fight for him. Against my family. I shuddered. But it wasn't fair to leave him undefended when I was the one who'd put him in danger.</p><p>I couldn't win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered who my allies would be.</p><p>Carlisle, certainly. He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly against Rose's and Jasper's designs. That might be all I needed. I would see...</p><p>Esme, doubtful. She would not side against me either, and she would hate to disagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact. Her first priority would not be rightness, but me. If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esme was the heart. He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following into an act of love. We all loved each other-even under the fury I felt toward Jasper and Rose right now, even planning to fight them to save the boy, I knew that I loved them.</p><p>Alice...I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. She would side with the winner, I imagined.</p><p>So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn't a match for them alone, but I wasn't going to let the boy be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action...</p><p>My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humour. I could imagine how the boy would react to my kidnapping him. Of course, I rarely guessed his reactions right-but what other reaction could he have besides terror?</p><p>I wasn't sure how to manage that, though-kidnapping him. I wouldn't be able to stand being close to him for very long. Perhaps I would just deliver him back to his mother. Even that much would be fraught with danger. For him. And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill him by accident... I wasn't certain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifaceted and intense.</p><p>The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me: the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might be forced to go to afterwards...</p><p>Well, I couldn't complain that life outside this school was monotonous anymore. The boy had changed that much.</p><p>Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worrying about me, and worrying about Rosalie. He knew whose side he would have to choose in a quarrel, and it bothered him.</p><p>The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group. Only I could hear the shouting.</p><p>Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish, irresponsible fool! Rosalie kept up a constant stream of insults at the top of her mental lungs. It made it hard to hear the others, but I ignored her as best I could.</p><p>Emmett was right about Jasper. He was sure of his course.</p><p>Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping through images of the future. No matter which direction Jasper came at the boy, Alice always saw me there, blocking him. Interesting...neither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions. So, Jasper planned to work alone. That would even things up.</p><p>Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us. My one advantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them.</p><p>I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper -just horsing around. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper...</p><p>No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.</p><p>I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jasper's different avenues of attack. As I did that, her visions</p><p>shifted, moving further and further away from the Swan's house. I was cutting him off earlier...</p><p>Stop that, Edward! It can't happen this way. I won't let it.</p><p>I didn't answer her, I just kept watching.</p><p>She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distant possibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.</p><p>The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garage off the house; Carlisle's Mercedes was there, next to Emmett's big jeep, Rose's M3 and my Vanquish. I was glad Carlisle was already home-this silence would end explosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.</p><p>We went straight to the dining room.</p><p>The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it was furnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs-we were scrupulous about having all the correct props in place.</p><p>Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room.</p><p>In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary to discuss things in a calm, seated manner.</p><p>I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.</p><p>Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Esme was beside him-they held hands on top of the table.</p><p>Esme's eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern.</p><p>Stay. It was her only thought.</p><p>I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had no reassurances for her now.</p><p>I sat on Carlisle's other side. Esme reached around him to put her free hand on my shoulder. She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying about me.</p><p>Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightly together, and his forehead was creased. The expression looked too old for his young face.</p><p>As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn.</p><p>Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table. She glared at me, never looking away.</p><p>Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry.</p><p>Jasper hesitated and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie. He was decided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.</p><p>Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away-the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it, she sat next to Esme. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Jasper twitched uneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.</p><p>I took a deep breath. I had started this-I should speak first.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett. "I didn't mean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for my hasty action."</p><p>Rosalie glared at me balefully. "What do you mean, 'take full responsibility'? Are you going to fix it?"</p><p>"Not the way you mean," I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. "I'm willing to leave now, if that makes things better." If I believe that the girl will be safe, if I believe that none of you will touch her, I amended in my head.</p><p>"No," Esme murmured. "No, Edward."</p><p>I patted her hand. "It's just a few years."</p><p>"Esme's right, though," Emmett said. "You can't go anywhere now. That would be the opposite of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more than ever."</p><p>"Alice will catch anything major," I disagreed.</p><p>Carlisle shook his head. "I think Emmett is right, Edward. The boy will be more likely to talk if you disappear. It's all of us leave or none of us."</p><p>"He won't say anything," I insisted quickly. Rose was building up to the explosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.</p><p>"You don't know his mind," Carlisle reminded me.</p><p>"I know this much. Alice, back me up."</p><p>Alice stared up at me wearily. "I can't see what will happen if we just ignore this." She glanced at Rose and Jasper.</p><p>No, she couldn't see that future-not when Rosalie and Jasper were so decided against ignoring the incident.</p><p>Rosalie's palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. "We can't allow the human a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you must see that. Even if we decided to all disappear, it's not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of our kind-you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We have to be more careful than anyone else!"</p><p>"We've left rumours behind us before," I reminded her.</p><p>"Just rumours and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses and evidence!"</p><p>"Evidence!" I scoffed.</p><p>But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard.</p><p>"Rose-" Carlisle began.</p><p>"Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn't have to be any big production. The boy hit his head today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious than it looked." Rosalie shrugged. "Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others would expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Edward's job, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I'm capable of control. I would leave no evidence behind me."</p><p>"Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are," I snarled.</p><p>She hissed at me, furious.</p><p>"Edward, please," Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. "Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Swan boy is innocent."</p><p>"It's not personal, Carlisle," Rosalie said through her teeth. "It's to protect us all."</p><p>There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer. When he nodded, Rosalie's eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn't been able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle never compromised.</p><p>"I know you mean well, Rosalie, but...I'd like very much for our family to be worth protecting. The occasional...accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of who we are." It was very like him to include himself in the plural, though he had never had such a lapse himself. "To murder, a blameless child in cold blood is another thing entirely. I believe the risk he presents, whether he speaks his suspicions or not, is nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are."</p><p>I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn't do at all to grin. Or to applaud, as I wished I could.</p><p>Rosalie scowled. "It's just being responsible."</p><p>"It's being callous," Carlisle corrected gently. "Every life is precious."</p><p>Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted out. Emmett patted her shoulder.</p><p>"It'll be fine, Rose," he encouraged in a low voice.</p><p>"The question," Carlisle continued, "is whether we should move on?"</p><p>"No," Rosalie moaned. "We just got settled. I don't want to start in my sophomore year in high school again!"</p><p>"You could keep your present age, of course," Carlisle said.</p><p>"And have to move again that much sooner?" she countered.</p><p>Carlisle shrugged.</p><p>"I like it here! There's so little sun, we get to be almost normal."</p><p>"Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomes necessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan boy's silence."</p><p>Rosalie snorted.</p><p>But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along with Carlisle's decision, no matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation had moved on to unimportant details.</p><p>Jasper remained unmoved.</p><p>I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he'd lived in a combat zone, a relentless theatre of war.</p><p>He knew the consequences of flouting the rules-he'd seen the grisly aftermath with his own eyes.</p><p>It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties, nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion-above it.</p><p>"Jasper," I said.</p><p>He met my gaze, his face expressionless.</p><p>"He won't pay for my mistake. I won't allow that."</p><p>"He benefits from it, then? He should have died today, Edward. I would only set that right."</p><p>I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. "I will not allow it."</p><p>His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this-he hadn't imagined that I would act to stop him.</p><p>He shook his head once. "I won't let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. You don't feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven't lived through what I've lived through, whether you've seen my memories or not. You don't understand."</p><p>"I'm not disputing that, Jasper. But I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to hurt Beau Swan."</p><p>We stared at each other-not glaring but measuring the opposition. I felt him sample the mood around me, testing my determination.</p><p>"Jazz," Alice said, interrupting us.</p><p>He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. "Don't bother telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I've still got to-"</p><p>"That's not what I'm going say," Alice interrupted. "I was going to ask you for a favour."</p><p>I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. I stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper was now eyeing me warily.</p><p>"I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Beau. First of all, Edward's serious and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly, he's my friend. At least, he's going to be."</p><p>It was clear as glass in her head from her point of view: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around the boy's warm, fragile shoulders. And Beau was smiling, too, his arm around Alice's waist.</p><p>The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure. "But...Alice..." Jasper gasped. I couldn't manage to turn my head to see his expression. I couldn't tear myself away from the image in Alice's head in order to hear his.</p><p>"I'm going to love him someday, Jazz. I'll be very put out with you if you don't let him be."</p><p>I was still locked into Alice's thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Jasper's resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.</p><p>"Ah," she sighed-his indecision had cleared a new future. "See? Though I can't see him very well unless he is close to one of us, I can't see his individual future. I know Beau's not going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about."</p><p>The way she said the boy's name...like they were already close confidants...</p><p>"Alice," I choked. "What...does this...?"</p><p>"I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Edward." But she locked her jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; she was focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned to have progressed much in his decision making. She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me.</p><p>"What, Alice? What are you hiding?"</p><p>I heard Emmett grumble. He always got frustrated when Alice and I had these kinds of conversations.</p><p>She shook her head, trying to not let me in.</p><p>"Is it about the boy?" I demanded. "Is it about Beau?"</p><p>She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Beau's name, she slipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough.</p><p>"NO!" I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on my feet.</p><p>"Edward!" Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barely aware of him.</p><p>"It's solidifying," Alice whispered. "Every minute you're more decided. I'm not seeing it any other way, Edward."</p><p>I could see what she saw...but I could not accept it.</p><p>"No," I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and I had to brace myself against the table.</p><p>"Will somebody please let the rest of us in on the mystery?" Emmett complained.</p><p>"I have to leave," I whispered to Alice, ignoring him.</p><p>"Edward, we've already been over that," Emmett said loudly. "That's the best way to start the boy talking. Besides, if you take off, we won't know for sure if he's talking or not. You have to stay and deal with this."</p><p>"I don't see you going anywhere, Edward," Alice told me. "I don't know if you can leave anymore." Think about it, she added silently. Think about leaving.</p><p>I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the boy again was...painful. But it was also necessary. I couldn't sanction this future I'd apparently condemned him to.</p><p>I'm not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward, Alice went on. If you leave, if he thinks he's a danger to us...</p><p>"I don't hear that," I contradicted her, still only half aware of our audience. Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice.</p><p>Not right this moment. Will you risk his life, leave him undefended?</p><p>"Why are you doing this to me?" I groaned. My head fell into my hands. I was not Beau's protector. I could not be that. Wasn't the way he smelled to me enough proof of that?</p><p>I love him, too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want him around for that.</p><p>"Love him, too?" I whispered, incredulous.</p><p>He sighed. You are so blind, Edward. Can't you see where you're headed? Can't you see where you already are? It's more inevitable than the sun rising in the east. See what I see...even if its only bits.</p><p>I shook my head, horrified. "No." I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to me. "I don't have to follow that course. I'll leave. I will change the future."</p><p>"You can try," she said, her voice sceptical.</p><p>"Oh, come on!" Emmett bellowed.</p><p>"Pay attention," Rose hissed at him. "Alice sees him falling for a human! How classically Edward!" She made a gagging sound.</p><p>I scarcely heard her.</p><p>"What?" Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through the room. "Is that what's been going on?" He laughed again. "Tough break, Edward. I didn't even know you swung that way. I guess it makes sense though" he didn't seem to be able to contain his laughter.</p><p>I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn't pay attention to him.</p><p>"Fall for a human?" Esme repeated in a stunned voice. "For the boy he saved today. Fall in love with him?"</p><p>"What do you see, Alice? Exactly," Jasper demanded.</p><p>She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face. "It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. I'm guessing either he'll kill him himself because I just don't see him" -she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring- "which would really irritate me, Edward, not to mention what it would do to you -" she faced Jasper again, "or they'll be together someday, I don't .... His future is blocked to me, everything is blurry, but I can see clips of him sometimes trough one of our futures. And well let's just say he's in Edwards an awful lot."</p><p>Someone gasped; I didn't look to see who.</p><p>"That's not going to happen!" I was shouting again. "Either one!"</p><p>Alice didn't seem to hear me. "It all depends," she repeated. "He may be just strong enough not to kill him, I don't really see that as such a big possibility anymore. It will take an amazing amount of control though," she mused. "More even than Carlisle has. He may be just strong enough... The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from him. That's a lost cause."</p><p>I couldn't find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room was still. I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrified expression from five different viewpoints.</p><p>After a long moment, Carlisle sighed. "Well, this...complicates things."</p><p>"I'll say," Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life.</p><p>"I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "We'll stay, and watch. Obviously, no one will...hurt the boy."</p><p>I stiffened.</p><p>"No," Jasper said quietly. "I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways-"</p><p>"No!" My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some combination of the three. "No!"</p><p>I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts-Rosalie's self-righteous disgust, Emmett's humour, Carlisle's never-ending patience...<br/>Worse: Alice's confidence. Jasper's confidence in that confidence. Worst of all: Esme's... joy.</p><p>I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn't acknowledge the gesture.</p><p>I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound and raced into the forest.</p><p>The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a few moments. I liked the thick sheet of water-it made a wall between me and the rest of the world. It closed me in, let me be alone.</p><p>I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straight course, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stopped before I touched the borders of human civilization.</p><p>Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done-at the way I had mutilated the future.</p><p>First, the vision of Alice and the boy with their arms around each other-the trust and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Beau's wide chocolate eyes were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets-in this moment, they seemed to be happy secrets. He did not flinch away from Alice's cold arm.</p><p>What did it mean? How much did he know? In that still-life moment from the future, what did he think of me?</p><p>But there was one more horrifying image-worse than any image I'd ever held inside my head, that I was terrified of. My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Beau's broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear, I could imagine it easily.</p><p>I couldn't stand to think of this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind, tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on his living face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail.</p><p>Alice's bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it caused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the likelihood of his success. It sickened me.</p><p>This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I would not let Alice's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was always a choice.</p><p>There had to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>High school. Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell. Torment and fire...yes, I had both.</p><p>I was doing everything correctly now. Every "i" dotted, every "t" crossed. No one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.</p><p>To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks. I returned to my old schedule. I hunted no more than the rest of them. Every day, I attended high school and played human. Every day, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullen's-there never was anything new. The boy did not speak one word of his suspicions. He just repeated the same story again and again-I'd been standing with him and then pulled him out of the way-till his eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details.</p><p>There was no danger. My hasty action had hurt no one. No one but myself. I was determined to change the future. Not the easiest task to set for oneself, but there was no other choice that I could live with.</p><p>Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the boy. I would prove her wrong. I'd thought the first day would be the hardest. By the end of it, I'd been sure that was the case. I'd been wrong, though.</p><p>It had rankled, knowing that I would hurt the boy. I'd comforted myself with the fact that his pain would be nothing more than a pinprick-just a tiny sting of rejection-compared to mine. Beau was human, and he knew that I was something else, something wrong, something frightening. He would probably be more relieved than wounded when I turned my face away from him and pretended that he didn't exist.</p><p>"Hello, Edward," he'd greeted me, that first day back in biology. His voice had been pleasant, friendly, one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I'd spoken with him.</p><p>Why? What did the change mean? Had he forgotten? Decided he had imagined the whole episode?</p><p>Could he possibly have forgiven me for not following through on my promise?</p><p>The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed. Just one moment to look in his eyes. Just to see if I could read the answers there...</p><p>No. I could not allow myself even that. Not if I was going to change the future. I'd moved my chin an inch in his direction without looking away from the front of the room. I'd nodded once, and then turned my face straight forward.</p><p>He did not speak to me again.</p><p>That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle as I had the day before. It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I was flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur. This run became my daily habit.</p><p>Did I love him? I did not think so. Not yet. Alice's glimpses of that future had stuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Beau. It would be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love him was the opposite of falling-it was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as gruelling as if I had no more than mortal strength.</p><p>And it confused me to no end. I never even thought about another man in this way. Though I suppose I hadn't really thought about anyone like this male or female. It was always just assumed that it was a female I was looking for, well that's what everyone else assumed. I hadn't really put much thought past homosexual relations, I have never met a homosexual vampire before. And in the time, I was born it was not exactly common. Now that I thought about it, was Beau even homosexual. Sure, Matt had some... crush on him but Jessica and Lauren and several of the other girls in school did too. I almost laughed at myself. This was some century-old coming to realisation. Maybe I should do some research. No. I shouldn't. Because regardless, it didn't matter.</p><p>More than a month passed, and every day it got harder. That made no sense to me-I kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier. This must be what Alice had meant when she'd predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the boy. She had seen the escalation of the pain. But I could handle pain.</p><p>I would not destroy Beau's future. If I was destined to love him, then wasn't avoiding him the very least I could do?</p><p>Avoiding him was about the limit of what I could bear, though. I could pretend to ignore him, and never look his way. I could pretend that he was of no interest to me.</p><p>But that was the extent, just pretence and not reality.</p><p>I still hung on every breath he took, every word he said.</p><p>I lumped my torments into four categories.</p><p>The first two were familiar. His scent and his silence. Or, rather-to take the responsibility on myself where it belonged-my thirst and my curiosity.</p><p>The thirst was the most primal of my torments. It was my habit now to simply not breathe at all in Biology. Of course, there was always the exceptions-when I had to answer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak. Each time I tasted the air around the boy, it was the same as the first day-fire and need and brutal violence desperate to break free. It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or restraint in those moments. And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, so close to the surface...</p><p>The curiosity was the most constant of my torments. The question was never out of my mind: What is he thinking now? When I heard him quietly sigh. When he twisted a lock of stray hair absently around his finger. When he threw his books down with more force than usual. When he rushed to class late. When he got lost in thought in art and would paint otherworldly images that I could not explain, Carlisle would approve. When he disappeared on Thursday mornings. When he tapped his foot impatiently against the floor. Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a maddening mystery. When he spoke to the other human students, I analysed his every word and tone. Was he speaking his thoughts, or what he thought he should say? It often sounded to me like he was trying to say what his audience expected, and this reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion-we were better at it than he was, he lied a lot. Unless I wrong about that, just imagining things. Why would he have to play a role? He was one of them-a human teenager.</p><p>Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments. Who would have ever dreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating? To be fair, I should have felt some gratitude to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the boy talking. I learned so much about him through this conversations-I was still compiling my list-but, contrarily, Mike's assistance with this project only aggravated me more. I didn't want Mike to be the one that unlocked his secrets. I wanted to do that.</p><p>It helped that he never noticed his small revelations, his little slips. He knew nothing about him. He'd created a Beau in his head that didn't exist-a boy just as generic as he was. He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set him apart from other humans, he didn't hear the abnormal maturity of his spoken thoughts. He didn't hear the patience in his voice when he feigned interest in his rambling stories and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.</p><p>Through his conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most important quality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare. Beau was good. All the other things added up to that whole-kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave-he was good through and through.</p><p>These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however. The possessive way he viewed Beau-as if he were an acquisition to be made-provoked me almost as much as his crude fantasies about him. He was becoming more confident of him, too, as the time passed, for he seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivals-Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically, myself. Boys in the school that I never would have guessed in Emmett's words to have 'swung that way' but of course Mike did not want anyone to know this. He would routinely sit on his side of our table before class began, chattering at him, encouraged by his smiles. Just polite smiles, I told myself. All the same, I frequently amused myself by imagining backhanding him across the room and into the far wall... It probably wouldn't injure him fatally...</p><p>Mike didn't often think of me as a rival. After the accident, he'd worried that Beau and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite had resulted. Back then, he had still been bothered that I'd singled Beau out over his peers for attention. For some reason he didn't question my sexuality, he just assumed, if Mike had an extra sense I would say it was having a 'gaydar' a word I learned from some TV show I watched to pass the time. But now I ignored Beau just as thoroughly as the others, and he grew complacent.</p><p>What was he thinking now? Did he welcome his attention?</p><p>In Mikes mind he had no doubt that Beau was a homosexual, his long hair and short almost feminine appearance was confirmation enough for him. The backslap was looking more attractive as his thoughts progressed.</p><p>And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Beau's indifference. As I ignored him, he ignored me. He never tried to speak to me again. For all I knew, He never thought about me at all.</p><p>This might have driven me mad-or even broken my resolution to change the future-except that he sometimes stared at me like he had before. I didn't see it for myself, as I could not allow myself to look at him, but Alice always warned us when he was about to stare; the others were still wary of the boy's problematic knowledge.</p><p>It eased some of the pain that he gazed at me from across a distance, every now and then. Of course, he could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was.</p><p>"Beau's going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal," Alice said one Tuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight like humans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind.</p><p>I paid attention to how often he looked my direction. It pleased me, though it should not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed. I didn't know what it meant, but it made me feel better.</p><p>Alice sighed. I wish...</p><p>"Stay out of it, Alice," I said under my breath. "It's not going to happen."</p><p>She pouted. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Beau. In a strange way, she missed the boy she didn't know.</p><p>I'll admit, you're better than I thought. You've got the future all snarled up and senseless again. I hope you're happy.</p><p>"It makes plenty of sense to me."</p><p>She snorted delicately.</p><p>I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation. I wasn't in a very good mood-tenser than I let any of them see. Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound I was, feeling the stress emanate out of me with his unique ability to both sense and influence the moods of others. He didn't understand the reasons behind the moods, though, and since I was constantly in a foul mood these days-he disregarded it.</p><p>Today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before, as was the pattern.</p><p>Mike Newton, the odious boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was going to ask Beau on a date.</p><p>Well, his idea of a date. He wants to invite him over to his house to 'watch the game' or 'hang out' and 'make a move' he was convinced Beau was 'in the closet' and just as curious as he was.</p><p>A girl's choice dance was on the near horizon, and he'd been hoping very much that Beau would say no to anyone who asked, and they go as secret dates. His fantasies were..... detailed.</p><p>That he had not done anything as even mentioned the dance had rattled his confidence. Now he was in an uncomfortable bind-I enjoyed his discomfort more than I should-because Jessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance. He didn't want to say "yes," still hopeful that Beau would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didn't want to say "no" and end up missing the dance altogether. He was starting to worry that he wasn't obvious enough, that Beau was hesitant because he was not clear enough of his attraction, he hadn't said it straight out that he also liked men sometimes. Jessica, hurt by his hesitation was thinking about asking Beau even though she was also pretty sure that he was homosexual but thought that he may be bi. This was getting too confusing.</p><p>To think it had come to this! I was utterly fixated on the petty high school dramas that I'd once held so in contempt.</p><p>Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Beau to biology. I listened to his struggles as I waited for them to arrive. The boy was weak. He had waited for this dance purposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before he had shown a marked preference for him. He didn't want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferring that he make that leap first.</p><p>Coward.</p><p>He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imagined the sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break most of his bones.</p><p>"So," he said to the boy, his eyes on the floor. "Jessica asked me to the spring dance."</p><p>"That's great," Beau answered immediately and with enthusiasm. It was hard not to smile as his tone sunk into Mike's awareness. He'd been hoping for dismay. "You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica."</p><p>He scrambled for the right response. "Well..." he hesitated, and almost chickened out. Then he rallied. "I told her I had to think about it."</p><p>"Why would you do that?" he demanded. His tone was one of disapproval, but there was the faintest hint of relief there as well.</p><p>What did that mean? An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench into fists. Mike did not hear the relief. His face was red with blood-fierce as I suddenly felt, this seemed like an invitation-and he looked at the floor again as he spoke.</p><p>"I was wondering if...well, if you -.... We're thinking of asking her, or like I don't know wanted to go solo or whatever." He chickened out last minute. But was trying to suggest what he wanted without actually saying it. I wonder if Beau got the hint.</p><p>Beau hesitated.</p><p>In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice ever had.</p><p>The boy might say yes to Mike's unspoken question now, and he might not, but either way, someday soon, he would say yes to someone. He was lovely and intriguing, and human males and females were not oblivious to this fact. Whether he would settle for someone in this lacklustre crowd, or wait until he was free from Forks, the day would come that he would say yes.</p><p>I saw his life as I had before-college, career...love, marriage.</p><p>The pain was more than anything I'd felt before. A human would have to be on the point of death to feel this pain-a human would not live through it.</p><p>And not just pain, but outright rage.</p><p>The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet. Though this insignificant, undeserving boy might not be the one that Beau would say yes to, I yearned to crush his skull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be.</p><p>I didn't understand this emotion-it was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair. I had never felt it before; I couldn't put a name to it.</p><p>"Mike, I think you should tell her yes, it's okay honestly, she's not really my type" Beau said in a gentle voice, the last part was said in a way of comfort, did he know what Mike was truly asking.</p><p>Mike's hopes plummeted. I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances, but I was lost in the aftershock of the pain and the remorse for what the pain and rage had done to me.</p><p>Alice was right. I was not strong enough.</p><p>Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangled again. Would this please her?</p><p>"Did you already ask someone?" Mike asked in fake curiosity, trying to pretend that he wasn't disappointed that Beau did not understand his hint. He glanced at me, suspicious for the first time in many weeks. I realized I had betrayed my interest; my head was inclined in Beau's direction.</p><p>The wild envy in his thoughts-envy for whoever this boy preferred to him-suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion.</p><p>I was jealous.</p><p>"No," the boy said with a trace of humour in his voice. "I'm not going to the dance at all."</p><p>Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at his words. Suddenly, I was considering my rivals.</p><p>"Why not?" Mike asked, his tone almost rude. It offended me that he used this tone with him. I bit back a growl.</p><p>"I'm going to visit my mom that weekend," he answered, I could tell straight away it was a lie.</p><p>The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before-now that I was fully intending to find out the answers to everything. I would know the where's and whys of this new revelation soon enough.</p><p>Mike's tone turned unpleasantly wheedling. "Can't you go some other weekend?"</p><p>"Sorry, no. Plane tickets are non-refundable" Beau was brusquer now probably afraid to dig too deep a hole in his lie. "So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer-it's rude."</p><p>His concern for Jessica's feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy. This trip was clearly an excuse to say no-did he refuse purely out of loyalty to his friend?</p><p>He was more than selfless enough for that. Did he actually wish he could say yes? Or were both guesses wrong? Was he interested in someone else?</p><p>"Yeah, you're right," Mike mumbled, so demoralized that I almost felt pity for him. Almost.</p><p>He dropped his eyes from the boy, cutting off my view of his face in his thoughts. I wasn't going to tolerate that.</p><p>I turned to read his face myself, for the first time in more than a month. It was a sharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp of air to long-submerged human lungs.</p><p>His eyes were closed, and his hands pressed against the sides of his face. His shoulders curved inward defensively. He shook his head ever so slightly as if he were trying to push some thought from his mind.</p><p>Frustrating. Fascinating.</p><p>Mr. Banner's voice pulled him from his reverie, and his eyes slowly opened. He looked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze. He stared up into my eyes with the same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.</p><p>I didn't feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second. I knew they would come again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery high. As if I had triumphed, rather than lost.</p><p>He didn't look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly to read his thoughts through his liquid green eyes. They were full of questions, rather than answers.</p><p>I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black with thirst. It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest day for my will to crumble. But the blackness did not seem to frighten him. He still did not look away, and a soft, devastatingly appealing pink began to colour his skin.</p><p>What was he thinking now?</p><p>I almost asked the question aloud, but at that moment Mr. Banner called my name. I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction. I sucked in a quick breath. "The Krebs Cycle."</p><p>Thirst scorched down my throat-tightening my muscles and filling my mouth with venom-and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for his blood that raged inside me.</p><p>The monster was stronger than before. The monster was rejoicing. He embraced this dual future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved so viciously.</p><p>The third, shaky future I'd tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled-destroyed by common jealously, of all things and he was so much closer to his goal.</p><p>The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I'd had the ability to produce tears, they would have filled my eyes now.</p><p>What had I done?</p><p>Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what I wanted; I turned to stare at the boy again.</p><p>He did not meet my gaze again, but he twisted a strand of his dark hair that fell out of his bun nervously between his fingers.</p><p>His delicate fingers, his fragile wrist-they were so breakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them.</p><p>No, no, no. I could not do this. He was too breakable, too good, too precious to deserve this fate. I couldn't allow my life to collide with his, to destroy it.</p><p>But I couldn't stay away from him either. Alice was right about that.</p><p>The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered, leaning first one way, then the other.</p><p>My brief hour with him passed all too quickly, as I vacillated between the rock and the hard place. The bell rang, and he started collecting his things without looking at me.</p><p>This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise. The way I had treated him since the accident was inexcusable.</p><p>"Beau?" I said, unable to stop myself. My willpower already lay in shreds. It felt so good to finally say his name after so long. It actually felt so strange to be talking to him directly.</p><p>He hesitated before looking at me; when he turned, his expression was guarded, distrustful. I reminded myself that he had every right to distrust me. That he should.</p><p>He waited for me to continue, but I just stared at him, reading his face. I pulled in shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals, fighting my thirst.</p><p>"What?" he finally said. "Are you speaking to me again?" There was an edge of resentment to his tone that was, like his anger, endearing. It made me want to smile.</p><p>I wasn't sure how to answer his question. Was I speaking to him again, in the sense that he meant?</p><p>No. Not if I could help it. I would try to help it.</p><p>"No, not really," I told him</p><p>He closed his eyes, which frustrated me. It cut off my best avenue of access to his feelings. He took a long, slow breath without opening his eyes. His jaw was locked.</p><p>Eyes still closed, he spoke. Surely this was not a normal human way to converse. Why did he do it?</p><p>"Then what do you want, Edward?"</p><p>The sound of my name on his lips did strange things to my body. If I'd had a heartbeat, it would have quickened. But how to answer him.</p><p>With the truth, I decided. I would be as truthful as I could with him from now on. I did want to deserve his distrust, even if earning his trust was impossible.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I told him. That was truer than he would ever know. Unfortunately, I could only safely apologize for the trivial. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really." I would be better for him if I could keep it up, continue to be rude. Could I?</p><p>His eyes opened, their expression still wary, he just looked at me curious and angry.</p><p>I tried to get as much of a warning through to him as was allowed. "It's better if we're not friends."</p><p>Surely, he could sense that much. He was bright. "Trust me."</p><p>His eyes tightened, and I remembered that I had said those words to him before-just before breaking a promise. I winced when his teeth clenched together-he clearly remembered, too.</p><p>"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," he said angrily. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."</p><p>I stared at him in shock. What did he know of my regrets?</p><p>"Regret? Regret what?" I demanded.</p><p>"For not just letting that stupid van squish me!" he snapped.</p><p>I froze, stunned.</p><p>How could he be thinking that? Saving his life was the one acceptable thing I'd done since I met his.</p><p>The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thing that made me glad I existed at all. I'd been fighting to keep him alive since the first moment I'd caught his scent. How could he think this of me? How dare he question my one good deed in all this mess?</p><p>"You think I regret saving your life?"</p><p>He didn't answer just glared, which I had to admit was adorable, he was so small it was ...the only word I could think of was 'cute'.</p><p>But his estimation of my intentions left me seething. "You don't know anything."</p><p>How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of his mind were! He must not think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behind his mental silence. He was entirely other.</p><p>He jerked his face away, gritting his teeth again. His cheeks were flushed, with anger this time. He slammed his books together in a pile, yanked them up into his arms, and marched toward the door without meeting my stare.</p><p>Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find his anger a bit entertaining. He walked stiffly, without looking where he was going, and his foot caught on the lip of the doorway. He stumbled, and his things all crashed to the ground. Instead of bending to get them, he stood rigidly straight, not even looking down, as if he were not sure the books were worth retrieving.</p><p>I managed not to laugh.</p><p>No one was here to watch me; I flitted to his side and had his books put in order before he looked down.</p><p>He bent halfway, saw me, and then froze. I handed his books back to him, making sure that my icy skin never touched his.</p><p>"Thank you," he said in a cold, severe voice.</p><p>Her tone brought back my irritation. "You're welcome," I said just as coldly.</p><p>He wrenched herself upright and stomped away to her next class. I watched until I could no longer see his angry figure.</p><p>Spanish passed in a blur. Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstraction-she knew my Spanish was superior to hers, and she gave me a great deal of latitude-leaving me free to think.</p><p>So, I couldn't ignore the boy. That much was obvious. But did it mean I had no choice but to destroy him?</p><p>That could not be the only available future. There had to be some other choice, some delicate balance. I tried to think of a way...</p><p>I didn't pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up. He was curious-Emmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in other's moods, but he could see the obvious change in me. He wondered what had happened to remove the unrelenting glower from my face. He struggled to define the change and finally decided that I looked hopeful.</p><p>Hopeful? Is that what it looked like from the outside?</p><p>I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly I should be hoping for.</p><p>But I didn't have long to ponder. Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about the boy, the sound of Beau's name in the heads of...of my rivals, I suppose I had to admit, caught my attention. Eric and Tyler, having heard-with much secret satisfaction-of Mike's failure, were too cowardly to make their moves, so it was left to the girls, it was a girls choice after all.</p><p>Lauren was already in place, positioned against his truck where he could not avoid her. Tyler's class was being held late to receive an assignment, and she was in a desperate hurry to catch him before he escaped.</p><p>This I had to see.</p><p>"Wait for the others here, all right?" I murmured to Emmett.</p><p>He eyed me suspiciously, but then shrugged and nodded. Kid's lost his mind, he thought, amused by my odd request.</p><p>I saw Beau on his way out of the gym, and I waited where he would not see me for him to pass. As he got closer to Lauren's ambush, I strode forward, setting my pace so that I would walk by at the right moment.</p><p>I watched his body stiffen when he caught sight of the boy waiting for him. He froze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward.</p><p>"Hi, Lauren," I heard him call in a friendly voice.</p><p>I was abruptly and unexpectedly anxious. What if this teen with her false blonde hair was somehow pleasing to him?</p><p>Lauren swallowed loudly, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Hi, Beau."</p><p>He seemed unconscious of her nervousness. "What's up?" he asked, unlocking his truck without looking at her frightened expression.</p><p>"Uh, I was just wondering...if you would go to the spring dance with me?" Her voice broke.</p><p>He finally looked up. Was he taken aback, or pleased? Lauren couldn't meet his gaze, so I couldn't see his face in her mind.</p><p>"Oh" he said, sounding flustered.</p><p>This girl did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel sympathy for her angst until after Beau had answered her in a gentle voice.</p><p>"Thank you for asking me Lauren, but I'm going to be in Florida, visiting my mom that weekend."</p><p>She'd already heard this; still, it was a disappointment.</p><p>"Oh," she mumbled, barely daring to raise her eyes to the level of her nose, even though she was taller than him. "Maybe next time."</p><p>"Sure," he agreed. Then he bit down on his lip as if he regretted leaving her a loophole. I liked that.</p><p>Lauren slumped forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from her car, her only thought escape.</p><p>I passed him at that moment and heard his sigh of relief. I laughed.</p><p>He whirled at the sound, but I stared straight ahead, trying to keep my lips from twitching in amusement.</p><p>Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch him before he could drive away. He was bolder and more confident than the other two; the only open bisexual male in the school he'd only waited to approach Beau this long because he'd respected Mike's unspoken prior claim.</p><p>I wanted him to succeed in catching him for two reasons. If-as I was beginning to suspect-all this attention was annoying to Beau, I wanted to enjoy watching his reaction. But, if it was not-if Tyler's invitation was the one he'd been hoping for-then I wanted to know that, too.</p><p>I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemed tediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Beau's preferences?</p><p>Maybe he liked average boys...</p><p>I winced at that thought. I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was to set myself up as a rival for his affections. How could he ever care for someone who was, by any estimation, a monster?</p><p>He was too good for a monster.</p><p>I ought to have let him escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doing what was right. Again.</p><p>But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact him later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome? I pulled my Volvo out into the narrow lane, blocking his exit.</p><p>Emmett and the others were on their way, but he'd described my strange behaviour to them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I was doing.</p><p>I watched the boy in my rear-view mirror. He glowered toward the back of my car without meeting my gaze, looking as if he wished he were driving a tank rather than a rusted Chevy.</p><p>Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind him, grateful for my inexplicable behaviour. He waved at him, trying to catch his attention, but he didn't notice. He waited a moment and then left his car sauntering up to his passenger side window. He tapped on the glass.</p><p>He jumped and then stared at him in confusion. After a second, he rolled the window down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Tyler," he said, his voice irritated. "I'm stuck behind Cullen," he said my surname in a hard voice-he was still angry with me.</p><p>"Oh, I know," Tyler said, undeterred by his mood. "I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here." His grin was cocky, this Tyler was very popular amongst the girls, and he didn't see a reason why Beau would be any different.</p><p>I was gratified by the way he blanched at his obvious intent.</p><p>"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" he asked, no thought of defeat in his head.</p><p>"I'm not going to be in town, Tyler," he told him, irritation still plain in his voice.</p><p>"Yeah, Mike said that."</p><p>"Then why-?" he stared to ask.</p><p>He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy." throwing mike under the bus.</p><p>His eyes flashed, then cooled. "Sorry, Tyler," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I really am going to be out of town."</p><p>He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched. "That's cool. We still have prom."</p><p>He strutted back to his car.</p><p>I was right to have waited for this.</p><p>The horrified expression on his face was priceless. It told me what I should not so desperately need to know that he had no feelings for any of these humans who wished to court him.</p><p>Also, his expression was possibly the funniest thing I'd ever seen.</p><p>My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rocking with laughter rather than scowling murderously at everything in sight.</p><p>What's so funny? Emmett wanted to know.</p><p>I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Beau revved his noisy engine angrily. He looked like he was wishing for a tank again.</p><p>"Let's go!" Rosalie hissed impatiently. "Stop being an idiot. If you can."</p><p>Her words didn't annoy me-I was too entertained. But I did as she asked.</p><p>No one spoke to me on the way home. I continued to chuckle every now and again, thinking of Beau's face.</p><p>As I turned on to the drive-speeding up now that there were no witnesses-Alice ruined my mood.</p><p>"So do I get to talk to Beau now?" she asked suddenly, without considering the words first, thus giving me no warning.</p><p>"No," I snapped.</p><p>"Not fair! What am I waiting for?"</p><p>"I haven't decided anything, Alice."</p><p>"Whatever, Edward."</p><p>In her head, Beau in my future was clear again.</p><p>"What's the point in getting to know him?" I mumbled, suddenly morose. "If I'm just going to kill him?"</p><p>Alice hesitated for a second. "You have a point," she admitted.</p><p>I took the final hairpin turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched to a stop an inch from the back garage wall.</p><p>"Enjoy your run," Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car.</p><p>But I didn't go running today. Instead, I went hunting.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first, embarrassing.</p><p>To my dismay, I found myself the centre of attention for the rest of that week. Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends to me somehow. I tried to convince him what I wanted more than anything else was for him to forget all about it - especially since nothing had actually happened to me - but he remained insistent. He followed me between classes and sat at our now-crowded lunch table. Mike was less than friendly toward him, which made me worry that I'd gained another unwelcome fan.</p><p>No one seemed concerned about Edward, though I explained over and over that he was the hero - how he had pulled me out of the way and had nearly been crushed, too. I tried to be convincing. Jessica, Mike, Eric, and everyone else always commented that they hadn't even seen him there till the van was pulled away.</p><p>I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause - no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful. And I couldn't even lie to myself and say I was curious because the rest of the Cullen family did not interest me anywhere near as much as he did.</p><p>Edward was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for his first-hand account. People avoided him as usual. The Cullen's and the Hales sat at the same table as always, not eating, talking only among themselves. None of them, especially Edward, glanced my way anymore.</p><p>When he sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow, he seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when his fists would suddenly ball up - skin stretched even whiter over the bones - did I wonder if he wasn't quite as oblivious as he appeared. Especially when more often than not all of his energy was directed my way. I just didn't get it. </p><p>He wished he hadn't pulled me from the path of Tyler's van - there was no other conclusion I could come to.</p><p>Why would he not regret it?</p><p>He seemed to want to kill me before, and I am always putting him in danger by just being around him. Plus, he risked exposure for him and his family. I probably put him in danger, and he begged me not to say anything, did he think I was going to expose him?</p><p>Even if I wanted to, what the fuck would I say? He had to know I wasn't that stupid. Plus If I exposed him, I would be in danger myself.</p><p>I wanted very much to talk to him, to know, and the day after the accident I tried. The last time I'd seen him, outside the ER, we'd both been so furious. I still was angry that he wouldn't trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly. But he had in fact saved my life, no matter how he'd done it. And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.</p><p>He was already seated when I got to Biology, looking straight ahead. I sat down, expecting him to turn toward me. He showed no sign that he realized I was there.</p><p>"Hello, Edward," I said pleasantly, to show him I was going to behave myself.</p><p>He turned his head a fraction toward me without meeting my gaze, nodded once, and then looked the other way.</p><p>And that was the last contact I'd had with him, though he was there, a foot away from me, every day. It was for the best, I thought. Curiosity killed the cat and I refused to be responsible for murdering Edward Cullen. This was what was best for both of us, He would stay alive and I would ignore him as much as possible so I wouldn't have to be around his torturous aura more than I had to, so I wouldn't have to keep feeding as much as I was to prepare myself for being around him. Because no matter how much I fed, every day I sat beside Edward Cullen the pain hit me just as strong as that first day. But I found myself watching him sometimes, unable to stop myself- from a distance, though, in the cafeteria or parking lot. I watched as his golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day. But in class, I gave no more notice that he existed than he showed toward me. I was miserable. I didn't understand what drew me so much to this man. Why could I not just Ignore him and continue to try and improve my miserable ass life?</p><p>Mike, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my lab partner. I could see he'd been worried that Edward's daring rescue might have impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect. He grew more confident, sitting on the edge of my table to talk before Biology class started, ignoring Edward as completely as he ignored us.</p><p>The snow washed away for good after that one dangerously icy day. Mike was disappointed he'd never gotten to stage his snowball fight but pleased that the beach trip would soon be possible. The rain continued heavily, though, and the weeks passed.</p><p>And true to Charlie's nature, his promise of therapy happened every Thursday nine am on the dot.</p><p>Ms Molloy was everything I did not expect from a small town therapist. Not that I really expected anything, but she was young. In her early to mid-thirties. She was a beautiful and lively ebony goddess, that honestly brought a spark of light to my week. She had a beautiful smile that made me want to smile back in a way that was not forced, and it was almost as if she had no filter, or if she simply did not care. I envied her joyous nature, but I enjoyed it too much.</p><p>She cursed like a sailor and our conversations were animated, she loved to listen and get her point across by hand gestures and open expressions. I felt like I could relate to her a lot as her grandmother practised and thought her voodoo. Her small lively painted room was speckled with hidden symbols of prosperity and positivity and her room was drenched in salt and positivity burning incense. It was relaxing. She was amazing.</p><p>But best of all, she had the biggest crush on my dad. Her fantasies were vivid and loud which was disturbing but she was so forward about her interest I did not feel like I was intruding. When my Dad dropped me there on Thursday morning and collected me after "too make sure I go" she would not fail to be waiting outside for the flashy cruiser to pull up and greet my Dad with a low and sensual "Good morning Sheriff". It was hilarious. My dad would turn all kinds of red and huff out an embarrassed "hello" and a call me Charlie and each week it turned into more of a scolding that made her swoon. It didn't matter how much Dad pretended to be unaffected of course I knew better. It was a game of cat and mouse and dad was most definitely the mouse. As I said, it was fucking hilarious.</p><p>But what was the best thing of all? Ms Molloy aka Danielle knew everything. Yup. Fucking everything. She was also psychic and was big into ancestral magic. So, they did not hesitate to tell her everything that she needed to know. The dead loved to gossip.</p><p>Our first session was basically her questioning me with childlike curiosity.</p><p>When I walked into the room, nana was already telling me that she knew. That she was a granddaughter of one of her childhood best friends and voodoo was her craft. I was pretty scared but excited to talk to someone who knew that there was more to this world than what meets the eye.</p><p>We sat in silence for all of ten seconds after our introductions before she exploded "SO YOU'RE AN INCUBUS"</p><p>To say I nearly had a stroke was an understatement. Even I had never said that word out loud but after that session, I had said it at least fifty times.</p><p>"Ehhh yeah" I muttered embarrassed, unused to not lying around people.</p><p>"Darlin' this is a safe space. If it makes you feel better there's wards and charms around this room, nobody is seeing or hearing anything. Not even the dead are allowed to enter"</p><p>I looked around noting that there is, in fact, no spirits in this room and I can feel the energy of the barriers she called on. I relaxed a little bit.</p><p>"Yes, I am...an Incubus....I think.."</p><p>"You think?" she was incredulous.</p><p>"Well.... I don't know. I never had anyone come out and tell me that I always just kind of......knew.. or at least suspected"</p><p>"Ah, that kind of a claircognizance, is that one of your abilities?"</p><p>"Yeah" I muttered sheepishly.</p><p>"Wow so is it just that or?"</p><p>I squirmed uncomfortably.</p><p>"Oh, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, I'm just so curious!" she grinned at me almost bouncing in her seat.</p><p>And despite my almost ten years of experience of keeping my mouth shut, I made the decision to tell her everything... well over the coming weeks. It was not just something that I could fit into an hour session.</p><p>I haven't told her about Edward yet. Though I feel like that's all I've been thinking about. It was stupid but I felt like if I did, I would be betraying his trust. Even though he did not trust me.</p><p>I had no doubt she knew about the Cullen's though.</p><p>And on top of all of that Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon - she called the first Tuesday of March to talk about how she was going to invite Mike to the girls' choice spring dance in two weeks.</p><p>"Are you sure you don't mind... you weren't planning to ask him?" she wondered.</p><p>"No, Jess, I'm not going," I assured her. Hormonal teenagers pumped up on adrenaline and alcohol, just the tough of the energy that would be there gave me the shivers.</p><p>"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was half-hearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company, I sensed her interest sometimes but according to her fantasies I was too feminine for her tastes and she felt like she was competing with me look wise which was ridiculous.</p><p>"You have fun with Mike," I encouraged, hoping to push his lust away from torturing.</p><p>The next day, I was surprised that Jessica wasn't her usual gushing self in Trig and Spanish. She was silent as she walked by my side between classes, and I was afraid to ask her why. When I couldn't help my curiosity anymore it was not hard to sense her rejection.</p><p>My fears were strengthened during lunch when Jessica sat as far from Mike as possible, chatting animatedly with Eric. Mike was unusually quiet.</p><p>Mike was still quiet as he walked me to class, the uncomfortable look on his face a bad sign along with his conflicting aura, I was nervous. But he didn't broach the subject until I was in my seat and he was perched on my desk. As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, and his energy was like a crystal lake to a man dying of thirst. Though I did my best to ignore him as usual, as he was ignoring me. Well, he was on the outside, on the inside I could feel his turmoil. I couldn't judge though; I was no better.</p><p>"So," Mike said, looking at the floor, "Jessica asked me to the spring dance."</p><p>"That's great." I made my voice bright and enthusiastic. "You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica."</p><p>"Well..." He floundered as he examined my smile, clearly not happy with my response. "I told her I had to think about it."</p><p>"Why would you do that?" I let disapproval colour my tone, though I was relieved he hadn't given her an absolute no.</p><p>His face was bright red as he looked down again. Pity shook my resolve.</p><p>" I was wondering if...well if you -.... We're thinking of asking her, or like I don't know wanted to go solo or whatever." I could tell this wasn't what he was actually going to ask and I was more than thankful that he didn't.</p><p>I paused for a moment, hating the wave of guilt that swept through me. But I saw, from the corner of my eye, Edward's head tilt reflexively in my direction.</p><p>" Mike, I think you should tell her yes, it's okay honestly, she's not really my type," I said, in a purposely teasing voice. Acting oblivious to his true words.</p><p>"Did you already ask someone?" Did Edward notice how Mike's eyes flickered in his direction?</p><p>"No," I assured him. "I'm not going to the dance at all."</p><p>"Why not?" Mike demanded.</p><p>I didn't want to get into the safety hazards that would come with me being drunk around a bunch of horny teenagers, so I quickly made new plans.</p><p>"I'm going to visit my Mom that weekend," I explained. I would go to some town over, get a hotel.</p><p>"Can't you go some other weekend?"</p><p>"Sorry, no," I said. " Plane tickets are non-refundable. So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer - it's rude."</p><p>"Yeah, you're right," he mumbled, and turned, dejected, to walk back to his seat. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head, Mike was a nice boy, he was. Just... he didn't, could never understand. Mr Banner began talking. I sighed and opened my eyes.</p><p>And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.</p><p>I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. But instead, he continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake. The desire in them was profound. I wanted... I needed.</p><p>"Mr Cullen?" the teacher called, seeking the answer to a question that I hadn't heard.</p><p>"The Krebs Cycle," Edward answered, seeming reluctant as he turned to look at Mr Banner.</p><p>I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to find my place. Trying to regain control of myself. I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me - just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.</p><p>I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was aware of him. When the bell rang at last, I turned my back to him to gather my things, expecting him to leave immediately as usual. This ignoring ting was really not helping any. The pain wasn't lessing any.</p><p>"Beau?" His voice shouldn't have been so familiar to me, as if I'd known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.</p><p>I turned slowly, unwillingly. I didn't want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at his too-perfect face. My expression was wary when I finally turned to him; his expression was unreadable. He didn't say anything. I could feel myself getting weak, I popped two sugar candies into my mouth as I turned towards him.</p><p>"What? Are you speaking to me again?" I finally asked an unintentional note of petulance in my voice. I was angry at him for ignoring me. Which made no sense. I was also angry with him for speaking to me again, ruining my strength in ignoring him and avoiding him, which again, made no sense.</p><p>His lips twitched, fighting a smile. "No, not really," he admitted.</p><p>I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. He waited.</p><p>"Then what do you want, Edward?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to him coherently that way.</p><p>"I'm sorry." He sounded sincere. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."</p><p>I opened my eyes. His face was very serious.</p><p>"I don't know what you mean," I said, my voice guarded.</p><p>"It's better if we're not friends," he explained. "Trust me."</p><p>My eyes narrowed. I'd heard that before.</p><p>I knew what that meant for me, for me it was trying to stay from temptation, to try and spare his life from a lapse in control. To not be in pain or subconsciously feed from this man. But what did that mean for him? Its not like he felt this way. Did his family not approve of speaking to the monster? Did he not want to be friends with a monster? I narrowed my eyes in frustration and anger at the situation. At this man wreaking havoc on my life.</p><p>"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," I hissed through my teeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."</p><p>"Regret?" The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. "Regret what?"</p><p>"For not just letting that stupid van squish me."</p><p>He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.</p><p>When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. "You think I regret saving your life?"</p><p>"I know you do," I snapped.</p><p>"You don't know anything." He was definitely mad.</p><p>I know! Because you won't fucking tell me! I wanted to scream.</p><p>I turned my head sharply away from him, clenching my jaw against all the wild accusations I wanted to hurl at him. I gathered my books together, then stood and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books. I stood there for a moment, thinking about leaving them. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. He was there; he'd already stacked them into a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard.</p><p>"Thank you," I said icily.</p><p>His eyes narrowed.</p><p>"You're welcome," he retorted.</p><p>I straightened up swiftly, turned away from him again, and stalked off to Gym without looking back.</p><p>Gym was brutal. We'd moved on to basketball. My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance.</p><p>It was a relief, as always, to leave. I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid. The truck had suffered only minimal damage in the accident. I'd had to replace the taillights, and if I'd had a real paint job, I would have touched that up. Tyler's parents had to sell their van for parts.</p><p>I almost had a stroke when I rounded the corner and saw a tall, dark figure leaning against the side of my truck. Then I realized it was just Lauren. I started walking again.</p><p>"Hey, Lauren," I called.</p><p>"Hi, Beau."</p><p>"What's up?" I said as I was unlocking the door. I wasn't paying attention to the uncomfortable edge in her voice, so her next words took me by surprise.</p><p>"Uh, I was just wondering... if you would go to the spring dance with me?" Her voice broke on the last word.</p><p>"Oh" I recovered my composure and tried to make my smile warm. " Thank you for asking me Lauren, but I'm going to be in Florida, visiting my mom that weekend."</p><p>"Oh," she said. "Well, maybe next time."</p><p>"Sure," I agreed, and then bit my lip. I wouldn't want her to take that too literally.</p><p>I felt bad though as she ran off towards her friends no doubt, mortification bleeding from her every pore.</p><p>She slouched off, back toward the school. I heard a low chuckle.</p><p>Edward was walking past the front of my truck, looking straight forward, his lips pressed together. I yanked the door open and jumped inside, slamming it loudly behind me. What did he find so funny?1 I know he heard that! I revved the engine deafeningly and reversed out into the aisle. Edward was in his car already, two spaces down, sliding out smoothly in front of me, cutting me off. He stopped there - to wait for his family; I could see the four of them walking this way, but still by the cafeteria. I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo, but there were too many witnesses. I looked in my rear-view mirror. A line was beginning to form. Directly behind me, Tyler Crowley was in his recently acquired used Sentra, waving. I was too aggravated to acknowledge him and predict what was going to happen next.</p><p>While I was sitting there, looking everywhere but at the car in front of me, I heard a knock on my passenger side window. I looked over; it was Tyler. I glanced back in my rear-view mirror, confused. His car was still running, the door left open. I leaned across the cab to crank the window down. It was stiff. I got it halfway down, then gave up.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Tyler, I'm stuck behind Cullen." I was annoyed - obviously, the holdup wasn't my fault.</p><p>"Oh, I know - I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here." He grinned.</p><p>This could not be happening. Where Mike was still not open about his sexuality, I was able to ignore his advances as he was not being that obvious. But Tyler was an open bisexual and has been hounding me ever since the accident. I didn't know weather to be annoyed or not by the fact people were assuming my sexuality, was it because I was short.</p><p>"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" he continued. Why would I be the one asking him? I'm not a girl...... well mostly.</p><p>"I'm not going to be in town, Tyler." My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn't his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day.</p><p>"Yeah, Mike said that," he admitted.</p><p>"Then why -"</p><p>He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy."</p><p>Okay, it was completely his fault.</p><p>"Sorry, Tyler," I said, working to hide my irritation. "I really am going out of town."</p><p>"That's cool. We still have prom."</p><p>And before I could respond, he was walking back to his car. I could feel the shock on my face. I looked forward to see Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper all sliding into the Volvo. In his rear-view mirror, Edward's eyes were on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, and I know he'd heard every word Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal... one little bump wouldn't hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine.</p><p>But they were all in, and Edward was speeding away. I drove home slowly, carefully, muttering to myself the whole way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I got home, I decided to make chicken enchiladas for dinner. It was a long process, and it would keep me busy. While I was simmering the onions and chillies, the phone rang. I was almost afraid to answer it, but it might be Charlie.</p><p>It was Jessica, and she was jubilant; Mike had caught her after school to accept her invitation. I celebrated with her briefly while I stirred. She had to go, she wanted to call Angela and Lauren to tell them, again I was clumped in with the girls, at least I knew the town wasn't really homophobic, I guess. I suggested - with casual innocence - that maybe Angela, the shy girl who had Biology with me, could ask Eric. And Lauren could ask Tyler; I'd heard he was still available. Jess thought that was a great idea. Now that she was sure of Mike, she actually sounded sincere when she said she wished I would go to the dance. I gave her my visiting my Mom excuse, even though I haven't spoken to her since I sent that email, apparently, she told Dad I was crazy and to send me back to the home, she couldn't handle a crazy son. Dad won't let me speak to her anyway. Still angry over recent revelations.</p><p>After I hung up, I tried to concentrate on dinner - dicing the chicken especially; I didn't want to take another trip to the emergency room. But my head was spinning, trying to analyse every word Edward had spoken today. What did he mean, it was better if we weren't friends?</p><p>My stomach twisted as I realized what he must have meant. He must see how absorbed I was by him and thought... he must not want to lead me on... so we couldn't even be friends... because he wasn't interested in me at all.</p><p>Of course, he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily... stupidly, my eyes stinging - a delayed reaction to the onions. I was a monster. And he was. Interesting... and brilliant... and mysterious... and perfect... and beautiful... and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand. Why would I even want him to be interested in me?</p><p>It would never work out regardless.</p><p>Well, that was fine. I could leave him alone. I would leave him alone. I would get through my self-imposed purgatory. I focused my thoughts on sunny beaches and palm trees as I finished the enchiladas and put them in the oven.</p><p>Charlie seemed suspicious when he came home and smelled the green peppers. I couldn't blame him - the closest edible Mexican food was probably in southern California. But he was a cop, even if just a small-town cop, so he was brave enough to take the first bite. He seemed to like it. It was fun to watch as he slowly began trusting me in the kitchen.</p><p>"Dad?" I asked when he was almost done.</p><p>"Yeah, Beau?"</p><p>"Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to Seattle or somewhere a week from Saturday... if that's okay?" I didn't really want to ask permission I was almost twenty- it set a bad precedent - but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.</p><p>"Why?" He sounded surprised, that I had a life..... kind of.. well to get away from said life</p><p>"Well, I wanted to get a few books - the library here is pretty limited - and maybe look at some clothes." I had more money than I was used to having, since, thanks to Charlie, I hadn't had to pay for a car. Not that the truck didn't cost me quite a bit in the gas department.</p><p>"That truck probably doesn't get very good gas mileage," he said, echoing my thoughts.</p><p>"I know, I'll stop in Montesano and Olympia - and Tacoma if I have to."</p><p>"Are you going all by yourself?" he asked, and I couldn't tell if he was suspicious I had a secret partner or just worried about car trouble.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Seattle is a big city - you could get lost," he fretted.</p><p>"Dad, Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle - and I have google maps, don't worry about it."</p><p>"Do you want me to come with you?"</p><p>I smiled at his concern.</p><p>"That's all right, Dad you don't have to, I'll be shopping very boring."</p><p>"Oh, okay." The thought of clothes shopping stores for any period of time immediately put him off.</p><p>"Thanks." I smiled at him.</p><p>"So" I could hear the smirk in his voice "Will you be back in time for the dance?"</p><p>Caught I thought wincing and smiled at him sheepishly.</p><p>"No -Not exactlyyy"</p><p>He raised an eyebrow at me patiently waiting.</p><p>This is one of his new rules.... Well... plan I'm not sure what to call it. His things are going to change plan. Talking more, communication and fewer lies. We're getting there. I know that he knows about me to some extent. His mother was a witch and she thought him some things that I know he incorporates into his everyday life and his intuition is on point. I feel like he knows he just doesn't want to push it out of me.</p><p>I decided to give him most of the truth of what I was comfortable with. "Ehhh it's just uncomfortable. I was asked a few times today... and well, I'm out of town was the best excuse" I chuckled nervously.</p><p>"A few times?" He smirked raising his eyebrow.</p><p>I blushed pushing my glasses up my nose and my hair behind my ear. "Yeah Tyler and Lauren asked me, and Mike....Kind of."</p><p>Dad seemed undisturbed by this news or maybe he just had a good poker face. But all I could sense from him was a bit of awkwardness and thankfulness that I was talking to him truthfully.</p><p>"Not interested?"</p><p>"Ahhhh" not really no and even if I was it was not possible "No not really"</p><p>He looked at me like he knew there was more too it but decided against asking and smirked "Good. Your too good for them anyway"</p><p>I laughed with an ugly snort and covered my mouth and he laughed at me. We went into the living room and watched CSI.</p><p>*************</p><p>The next morning, when I pulled into the parking lot, I deliberately parked as far as possible from the silver Volvo. I didn't want to put myself in the path of too much temptation and end up owing him a new car. Getting out of the cab, I fumbled with my key and it fell into a puddle at my feet. As I bent to get it, a white hand flashed out and grabbed it before I could. I jerked upright. Edward Cullen was right next to me, leaning casually against my truck.</p><p>"How do you do that?" I asked in amazed irritation.</p><p>"Do what?" He held my key out as he spoke. As I reached for it, he dropped it into my palm.</p><p>"Appear out of thin air."</p><p>"Beau, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant." His voice was quiet as usual - velvet, muted.</p><p>I scowled at his perfect face and snorted, sure I am. His eyes were light again today, a deep, golden honey colour. Then I had to look down, to reassemble my now-tangled thoughts, why do I know his eyes so well.</p><p>"Why the traffic jam last night?" I demanded, still looking away, annoyed that I was in that position. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death."</p><p>"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." He snickered.</p><p>"You..." I gasped. I couldn't think of a bad enough word. It felt like the heat of my anger should physically burn him, but he only seemed more amused.</p><p>"And I'm not pretending you don't exist," he continued.</p><p>"So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?"</p><p>Anger flashed in his tawny eyes. His lips pressed into a hard line, all signs of humour gone.</p><p>"Beau, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold, his energy gone from playful to annoyed in a nanosecond.</p><p>I reached into my pocket for a sugar candy, hands shaking.</p><p>My palms tingled - I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away.</p><p>"Wait," he called. I kept walking, sloshing angrily through the rain. But he was next to me, easily keeping pace, my eye twitched.</p><p>"I'm sorry, that was rude," he said as we walked. I ignored him. "I'm not saying it isn't true," he continued, "but it was rude to say it, anyway."</p><p>"Why won't you leave me alone?" I grumbled, not really meaning it but apparently, I have a temper when it comes to him.</p><p>"I wanted to ask you something, but you side-tracked me," he chuckled. He seemed to have recovered his good humour, his energy was making me dizzy.</p><p>"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" I asked severely.</p><p>"You're doing it again."</p><p>I sighed. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?"</p><p>"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday - you know, the day of the spring dance -"</p><p>"Are you trying to be funny?" I interrupted him, wheeling toward him. My face got drenched as I looked up at his expression in furious shock.</p><p>His eyes were wickedly amused. "Will you please allow me to finish?"</p><p>I bit my lip and clasped my hands together, interlocking my fingers, so I couldn't do anything rash, the action seemed to make him more amused.</p><p>"I heard you lie and said you were going to Florida that weekend, and I was just wondering if you needed a good excuse."</p><p>That was unexpected.</p><p>"What? And what do you mean, you know I'm lying!" I wasn't sure what he was getting.</p><p>"You're a really bad liar. Do you want an excuse? Maybe an out of town road trip or something to get the predators scent off?"</p><p>"With who?" I asked, mystified, shocked that only yesterday we were pretending each other did not exist, and now...</p><p>"Myself, obviously." He enunciated every syllable as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.</p><p>I was still stunned. "Why?"</p><p>"Why not. And I figured you were going to go out of town, and to be honest I don't think your truck can make it"</p><p>"My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern." I started to walk again, but I was too surprised to maintain the same level of anger, what the fuck.</p><p>"But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?" He matched my pace again.</p><p>"I don't see how that is any of your business." Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.</p><p>"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business."</p><p>"Honestly, Edward." I felt a thrill go through me as I said his name, and I hated it. "I can't keep up with you. I thought we were ignoring each other."</p><p>His eyebrows raised at my statement. Hmmm, maybe he didn't know about the ignoring on my side.</p><p>"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."</p><p>"Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up." Heavy sarcasm. I realized I had stopped walking again. We were under the shelter of the cafeteria roof now, so I could more easily look at his face. Which certainly didn't help my clarity of thought. I also realised that I was looking up at him.... A lot. I just about reached his chest.</p><p>"It would be more... prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Beau."</p><p>His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smouldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe. I subconsciously reached for a candy.</p><p>"Will you accompany me for the day?" he asked, still intense.</p><p>I couldn't speak yet, so I just nodded. What changed?</p><p>He smiled briefly, and then his face became serious.</p><p>"You really should stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."</p><p>He turned abruptly and walked back the way we'd come.</p><p>What. The. Fuck.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19 (Edwards POV)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldn't afford to be thirsty now. I overdid it, drinking more than necessary, glutting myself again-a small grouping of elk and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year. I was so full it was uncomfortable. Why couldn't that be enough? Why did his scent have to be so much stronger than anything else?</p><p>I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but, when I could hunt no more and the sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soon enough.</p><p>The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to go find the boy.</p><p>I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won the argument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan. The monster was restless but well-fettered. I knew I would keep a safe distance from him. I only wanted to know where he was. I just wanted to see his face.</p><p>It was past midnight, and Beau's house was dark and quiet. His truck was parked against the curb, his father's police cruiser in the driveway. There were no conscious thoughts anywhere in the neighbourhood. I watched the house for a moment from the blackness of the forest that bordered it on the east. The front door would probably be locked-not a problem, except that I didn't want to leave a broken door as evidence behind me. I decided to try the upstairs window first. Not many people would bother installing a lock there.</p><p>I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second. Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, and my breath stopped.</p><p>It was his room. I could see his one small bed, his covers on the floor. But there was no Beau. It was clearly his room from the scent of the place, but he was not there.</p><p>I was repulsed by myself as I looked around the room. How was I any better than some sick peeping tom?</p><p>I wasn't any better. I was much, much worse.</p><p>I relaxed my fingertips and let myself drop, right Infront of the living room, where Beau sat on the sofa in front of the TV bundled in a fluffy blanket that covered his entire body, besides for his face that was looking at the TV intently. The shock that went through my body at this stupid stupid mistake shook me to my core. I moved faster than his eyes would catch from the window that was not covered where I stood at full view to Beau, I rose my hand to my chest, if I had a heartbeat it would be racing in my chest. Feeling wrong I decided to leave, but first I allowed myself one long look at his face.</p><p>It was not peaceful. The little furrow was there between his eyebrows, the corners of his lips turned down. His lips trembled and then parted.</p><p>"Yeah, sure" he muttered.</p><p>Beau was talking to himself.</p><p>Curiosity flared, overpowering self-disgust. The lure of those unprotected, unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting.</p><p>I stood away from the window and tried to remain unseen, watching him, I could see him clearly from between the trees the forest. The TV was low, to a point that I assumed that he couldn't hear but there were speaking Japanese and I could tell from the reflection in his eye he was watching some sort of anime, I don't know why this surprised me.</p><p>He seemed to be paying attention to it, but he also seemed to be having a conversation with somebody. I pondered if he was translating or reading the words out loud, but I translated some of the words myself and stupidly froze when I heard the word daemon. But that didn't seem to be a part of this..... conversation he was having.</p><p>"I don't want to tonight" he muttered. His words were spoken aloud. Clear as day, no mumbling. </p><p>I looked around for some sort of device, maybe phone or even another person, maybe his dad that he was speaking to. But I could hear his fathers unconscious thoughts, kind of more emotions and jumbled images but unconscious non the less.</p><p>Who was he talking to?</p><p>"I'll be fine, it's just one night"</p><p>"I know, but I can handle it for one day. Please, I just want to watch some anime and stress out like a normal teenager and eat large amounts of food" he huffed, his hand reaching out from his protective cocoon and into the bowl of popcorn in a bowl beside him.</p><p>I was floored. When I realised that there was nobody there. Was... was he schizophrenic? What other explanation could there be?</p><p>"That's next week. He probably won't even talk to me tomorrow and .... It's fine..... I am not obsessed!.... I'm curious. Leave me alone"</p><p>Was he talking about me? I leaned closer.</p><p>"What's the point of getting to know him if..." he shook his head glancing to the side and looked back at the TV not saying a word again.</p><p>I fell back. Making myself somewhat comfortable against at tree as I watched him. He stayed up all night, not even blinking with tiredness, not one yawn and watched anime.</p><p>Insomnia could lead to delusions or maybe he was just talking to himself out loud. I wanted to immediately go speak to my father and discuss what I had heard and organise the best help possible. I thought back to his comments about the contusions he had, but I decided to wait. I wanted to earn this boy's trust and he did not betray me, and I so desperately wanted to show him the same courtesy. I would scope the situation with him. Maybe he does have some sort of psychological condition, but would that deter me? No, I decided, so what if he may see people who are not there. I read peoples minds and drank blood; I don't really think that I am in the position to judge.</p><p>I decided to wait before I began to overthink and wait until I talked to him tomorrow. I could be completely overthinking. Plus, I had a master's in psychology, I'm sure I could think of something.</p><p>I continued to look at what I could see of the boy.</p><p>Had I once thought him average-looking? I thought of that first day, and my disgust for the humans who were so immediately intrigued with him. But when I remembered his face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found him beautiful immediately. It seemed an obvious thing. Right, now-with his dark hair tangled and wild around his pale face, his small petit body cocooned in a blanket, his features relaxed in concentration on the TV, glasses perched on his slim nose that I had never seen on him before shielding those vibrant emerald green, his full lips slightly parted-he took my breath away. Or would have, I thought wryly if I were breathing.</p><p>He did not speak again.</p><p>I stared at his face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable.</p><p>Hurting him was not bearable. Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave again?</p><p>The others could not argue with me now. My absence would not put anyone in danger. There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyone's thoughts back to the accident.</p><p>I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible. I could not hope to rival the human admirers, whether these specific humans appealed to him or not. I was a monster. How could he see me as anything else? If he knew the truth about me, it would frighten and repulse him. Like the intended victim in a horror movie, he would run away, shrieking in terror.</p><p>I remembered his first day in biology...and knew that this was exactly the right reaction for him to have.</p><p>It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask him to the silly dance, he would have cancelled his hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me.</p><p>I was not the one he was destined to say yes to. It was someone else, someone human and warm. And I could not even let myself-someday when that yes was said-hunt him down and kill him, because he deserved them, whoever they were. He deserved happiness and love with whomever he chose.</p><p>I owed it to him to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I was only in danger of loving this boy.</p><p>After all, it really didn't matter if I left, because Beau could never see me the way I wished he would.</p><p>Never see me as someone worthy of love.</p><p>Never.</p><p>Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.</p><p>But he spoke of me to... Well, his mind and that must mean something. Plus, he said yes to me. When he declined his other admirers, he did not decline me.</p><p>I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them. When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.</p><p>My life was unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?</p><p>At the time that I had become a vampire, trading my soul and my mortality for immortality in the searing pain of transformation, I had truly been frozen. My body had turned into something more like rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging. My self, also, had frozen as it was-my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and my desires; all were fixed in place. It was the same for the rest of them.</p><p>We were all frozen. Living stone.</p><p>When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing. I had seen it happen with Carlisle, and then a decade later with Rosalie. Love had changed them in an eternal way, a way that never faded.</p><p>More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle had found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love. It would always be that way for them.</p><p>It would always be that way for me, too. I would always love this fragile human boy, for the rest of my limitless existence.</p><p>I gazed at his unconscious face, feeling this love for him settle into every portion of my stone body.</p><p>Always watching him, I began to plot.</p><p>I loved him, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave him. I knew I wasn't that strong now. I would work on that one. But perhaps I was strong enough to circumvent the future in another way.</p><p>Alice had understood only two futures for Beau, and now I understood them both.</p><p>Loving him would not keep me from killing him if I let myself make mistakes. Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me.</p><p>Perhaps love had silenced him forever. If I killed him now, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident. I would have to be inordinately careful. I would never, ever be able to let my guard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would have to keep an always cautious distance.</p><p>I would not make mistakes.</p><p>I finally understood an alternative second future. I'd been baffled by that possibility what could possibly happen to result in Beau becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life?</p><p>Now-devastated by longing for the boy-I could understand how I might, in unforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favour. Ask him to take away his life and his soul so that I could keep him forever.</p><p>He deserved better.</p><p>But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk if I could keep my balance.</p><p>Could I do it? Be with him and leave him human?</p><p>Deliberately, I took a deep breath, and then another, letting his scent rip through me like wildfire. Even from here, I could smell that his fragrance was layered on every surface. My head swam, but I fought the spinning. I would have to get used to this if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with him. I took another deep, burning breath.</p><p>I watched him watch series after series until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting and breathing.</p><p>I got home just after the others had left for school. I changed quickly, avoiding Esme's questioning eyes.</p><p>She saw the feverish light in my face, and she felt both worry and relief. My long melancholy had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over.</p><p>I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings did. They did not turn, though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered the pavement. I waited until no one was looking, and then I strolled casually from between the trees into the lot full of parked cars.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I made my way to English in a daze. I didn't even realize when I first walked in that class had already started.</p><p>"Thank you for joining us, Mr Swan," Mr Mason said in a disparaging tone.</p><p>I flushed and hurried to my seat.</p><p>It wasn't till class ended that I realized Mike wasn't sitting in his usual seat next to me. I felt a twinge of guilt. But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn't totally unforgiven. Mike seemed to become more himself as we walked, gaining enthusiasm as he talked about the weather report for this weekend. The rain was supposed to take a minor break, and so maybe his beach trip would be possible. I tried to sound eager, to make up for disappointing him yesterday. It wasn't hard, I was actually really excited about visiting La Push.</p><p>The rest of the morning passed in a blur. It was difficult to believe that I hadn't just imagined what Edward had said, and the way his eyes had looked. Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level, maybe he was trying to get close to me so he could kill me easily.</p><p>What if he was a hunter of some sort, trying to kill me or figure out what I am to try and kill me or use me. Okay, maybe I've stayed up too many nights binge-watching Blue Exorcist, but I was stressed. He hates me for months and now wants to go on some out of town road trip?? Was it a date? Did that matter if he was going to kill me? What if he kissed me? I would surely kill him!! Okay, my thoughts kept getting stupider and stupider, but could you blame me?</p><p>So, I was impatient and frightened as Jessica and I entered the cafeteria. I wanted to see his face, to see if he'd gone back to the cold, indifferent person I'd known for the last several weeks. Or if, by some miracle/ possible disaster, I'd really heard what I thought I'd heard this morning. Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans - Lauren and Angela had asked the other boys and they were all going together - completely unaware of my inattention.</p><p>Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I'd lost my appetite - I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk, like some big baby. I was so angry at myself that I would let this one person affect me like this.</p><p>"Edward Cullen is staring at you again," Jessica said, finally breaking through my abstraction with his name. "I wonder why he's sitting alone today."</p><p>My head snapped up. I followed her gaze to see Edward, smiling crookedly, staring at me from an empty table across the cafeteria from where he usually sat. Once he'd caught my eye, he raised one hand and motioned with his index finger for me to join him. As I stared in disbelief, he winked.</p><p>"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.</p><p>He wouldn't attack me in front of all of these people, right? not that I cared if he did but the lingering thoughts of him working for the church and putting me in some nuthouse or sacraficing me to the devil (again no more blue exorcist) And I couldn't attack him. I felt the energy of a lot of people focused on me. His family in particular, which was weirding me out, were they all in on it, was this a trick. I shook my head trying to get rid of the stupid thoughts.</p><p>"Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework," I muttered for her benefit. "Um, I'd better go see what he wants."</p><p>I could feel her staring after me as I walked away.</p><p>When I reached his table, I stood behind the chair across from him, unsure.</p><p>"Why don't you sit with me today?" he asked, smiling.</p><p>I sat down automatically, watching him with caution. He was still smiling. It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. Spirit or not. I was slightly panicking, my thoughts going wild. Being in his proximity was as usual, painful but my curiosity was outrunning the pain. That and my stupidity.  </p><p>He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.</p><p>"This is different," I finally managed.</p><p>"Well..." He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."</p><p>I waited for him to say something that made sense. The seconds ticked by. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? I wanted to shout. My mind was running wild. Him going to hell?! What was this exorcist organisation?!</p><p>"You know I don't have any idea what you mean," I eventually pointed out.</p><p>"I know." He smiled again, and then he changed the subject. "I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you."</p><p>"They'll survive." I could feel their stares boring into my back, almost all of the cafeteria, all that energy focused on me... I popped another candy... Yeah still painful.</p><p>"I may not give you back, though," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.</p><p>I gulped, trying not to overthink that statement, now of all times. Which distracted my thoughts to think what the fuck I wanted that statement to mean.</p><p>He laughed. "You look worried."</p><p>"No," I said, but, ridiculously, my voice broke. "Surprised, actually... what brought all this on?"</p><p>"I told you - I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." He was still smiling, but his ochre eyes were serious.</p><p>"Giving up?" I repeated in confusion, I suppose I could understand that I wasn't exactly fighting anymore to ignore his existence.</p><p>"Yes - giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.</p><p>"You lost me again."</p><p>The breath-taking crooked smile reappeared.</p><p>"I always say too much when I'm talking to you - that's one of the problems."</p><p>"Don't worry - I don't understand any of it," I said wryly because you fucking won't tell me anything, so I'm left here drawing my own redicilious conclusions. </p><p>"I'm counting on that."</p><p>"So, in plain English, are we friends now?"</p><p>"Friends..." he mused, dubious.</p><p>"Or not," I muttered amusedly.</p><p>He grinned. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." Behind his smile, the warning was real.</p><p>"You say that a lot," I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even.</p><p>"Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."</p><p>"I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." My eyes narrowed.</p><p>He smiled apologetically.</p><p>"So, as long as I'm being... not smart, we'll try to be friends?" I struggled to sum up the confusing exchange.</p><p>"That sounds about right."</p><p>I looked down at my hands wrapped around the lemonade bottle, not sure what to do now.</p><p>"What are you thinking?" he asked curiously.</p><p>I looked up into his deep gold eyes, became befuddled, and, as usual, blurted out the truth.</p><p>"I'm trying to figure out what you are."</p><p>His jaw tightened, but he kept his smile in place with some effort.</p><p>"Are you having any luck with that?" he asked in an offhand tone.</p><p>"Not too much," I admitted, I haven't really done any research. I'm not sure if I want to know. Wth knowledge comes complications.</p><p>He chuckled. "What are your theories?"</p><p>I blushed. Not used to talking about things like this in case he calls me crazy, which I could be. This could all be in my head.</p><p>"Won't you tell me?" he asked, tilting his head to one side with a shockingly tempting smile.</p><p>I shook my head. "Why don't you tell me?"</p><p>"That's really frustrating, you know," he complained.</p><p>"No," I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, "I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all - just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean... now, why would that be frustrating?"</p><p>He grimaced.</p><p>"Or better," I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, "say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things - from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating."</p><p>"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"</p><p>"I don't like double standards."</p><p>We stared at each other, unsmiling.</p><p>He glanced over my shoulder, and then, unexpectedly, he snickered.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Your boyfriend seems to think I'm being unpleasant to you - he's debating whether or not to come to break up our fight." He snickered again.</p><p>"I don't know who you're talking about," I said frostily. "But I'm sure you're wrong, anyway."</p><p>"I'm not. I told you, most people are easy to read." He's definitely a mind reader, it makes so much sense. That's how he knows. I bet yah that was a shock when he first saw me it makes so much sense. Not being able to read someones mind.</p><p>"Except me, of course."</p><p>"Yes. Except for you." His mood shifted suddenly; his eyes turned brooding. "I wonder why that is." Oh... and he can't read mine. I wonder if it's like me. In the way, I can see people desires and fantasies etc.</p><p>I had to look away from the intensity of his stare. I concentrated on unscrewing the lid of my lemonade. I took a swig, staring at the table without seeing it.</p><p>"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, distracted.</p><p>"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full - of butterflies. And the only thing I was hungry for right now was him. Surely he couldn't read my mind right now or else he would be running. "You?" I looked at the empty table in front of him.</p><p>"No, I'm not hungry." I didn't understand his expression - it looked like he was enjoying some private joke.</p><p>"Can you do me a favour?" I asked after a second of hesitation.</p><p>He was suddenly wary. "That depends on what you want."</p><p>"It's not much," I assured him.</p><p>He waited, guarded but curious.</p><p>"I just wondered... if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I'm prepared." I looked at the lemonade bottle as I spoke, tracing the circle of the opening with my pinkie finger.</p><p>"That sounds fair." He was pressing his lips together to keep from laughing when I looked up.</p><p>"Thanks."</p><p>"Then can I have one answer in return?" he demanded.</p><p>"One."</p><p>"Tell me one theory."</p><p>Whoops. "Not that one." We're having a .... Not anger inducing time.</p><p>"You didn't qualify, you just promised one answer," he reminded me.</p><p>"And you've broken promises yourself," I reminded him back.</p><p>"Just one theory - I won't laugh."</p><p>"Yes, you will." I wasn't really worried about that..</p><p>He looked down and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ochre eyes scorching.</p><p>"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.</p><p>I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy crow, how did he do that? Was he an Incubus too??!!</p><p>"Er, what?" I asked, dazed.</p><p>"Please tell me just one little theory." His eyes still soldered at me.</p><p>"Um, well, some sort of a poltergeist?" Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover?</p><p>"What? he scoffed.</p><p>"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," I said, miffed.</p><p>"like a ghost?" he wondered. "Do you ....think of .....ghosts often?"</p><p>I grinned a shit-eating grin because there is nothing else that I could do at this moment. I knew it was him watching me last night. I say he's very curious now. Oh, how the tables have turned... or he could just think... "Are you trying to ask me if I see ghosts? Or test me for schizophrenia"</p><p>His aura was practically squirming uncomfortably.</p><p>"Well," I mused "Wouldn't you like to know" I laughed "But no I'm not schizophrenic, I think" I laughed. He did not seem to find it amusing his worry made it all that much funnier and I was slapped with a fact of reality, that I do not know why I did not consider.</p><p>Edward Cullen thought I was fucking human.</p><p>It was so obvious! He..... wow. All of that worry and panic.</p><p>I think anyway that, or he was really good at hiding the fact that he knew what I was. But it made so much sense. He could not read my mind. He said it himself. He could not read me.</p><p>I almost laughed in relief but I just grinned wider. Trying my best to ignore the interest that was now blooming in his aura at my smile directed at him. I decided to tease him. Which is probably mean but I felt was deserved at the months of stress he put me trough.</p><p>"I'll figure it out eventually," I warned him.</p><p>"I wish you wouldn't try." He was serious again.</p><p>"Because... ?"</p><p>"What if I'm the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.</p><p>"Oh," I said, as several things he'd hinted fell suddenly into place. "I see", maybe he was like me. Maybe not an incubus but someone who maybe fed off something unnatural too. Maybe he fed on energy or...."</p><p>"Do you?" His face was abruptly severe as if he were afraid that he'd accidentally said too much.</p><p>"You're dangerous?" I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words. He was dangerous. He'd been trying to tell me that all along. But so was I. I was suddenly less afraid of telling him about me. Would he understand?</p><p>He just looked at me, eyes full of some emotion I couldn't comprehend.</p><p>"But not bad," I whispered, shaking my head. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."</p><p>"You're wrong." His voice was almost inaudible. He looked down, stealing my bottle lid and then spinning it on its side between his fingers. I stared at him, wondering why I didn't feel afraid. He meant what he was saying - that was obvious. But I just felt anxious, on edge... and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him. Along with hope. Maybe..... maybe he would understand.</p><p>The silence lasted until I noticed that the cafeteria was almost empty.</p><p>I jumped to my feet. "We're going to be late."</p><p>"I'm not going to class today," he said, twirling the lid so fast it was just a blur.</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"It's healthy to ditch class now and then." He smiled up at me, but his eyes were still troubled.</p><p>"Well, I'm going," I told him. I was far too big a coward to risk getting caught.</p><p>He turned his attention back to his makeshift top. "I'll see you later, then."</p><p>I hesitated, torn, but then the first bell sent me hurrying out the door - with a last glance confirming that he hadn't moved a centimetre. I needed time to think.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I half-ran to class, my head was spinning faster than the bottle cap. So few questions had been answered in comparison to how many new questions had been raised.</p><p>But at least I knew now. Edward Cullen was a supernatural creature....dangerous he had said, like me. But he thought I was the human. The human he was trying to....protect?</p><p>I blushed deeply, not exactly knowing why.</p><p>I wanted to get to know him. Maybe .... maybe even confide in him. But we would need to be alone for that to happen. I didn't know his family and I could tell they were listening to everything we said today. I didn't know them well enough.</p><p>I was lucky; Mr Banner wasn't in the room yet when I arrived. I settled quickly into my seat, aware that both Mike and Angela were staring at me. Mike looked resentful; Angela looked surprised and slightly awed.</p><p>Mr Banner came in the room then, calling the class to order. He was juggling a few small cardboard boxes in his arms. He put them down on Mike's table, telling him to start passing them around the class.</p><p>"Okay, guys, I want you all to take one piece from each box," he said as he produced a pair of rubber gloves from the pocket of his lab jacket and pulled them on. The sharp sound as the gloves snapped into place against his wrists seemed ominous to me, I had a brief flashback of sitting in a cold concrete room... a man standing over me snapping on gloves a needle in his hand lifting up the designated flap in my straight jacket.... I was so hungry. "The first should be an indicator card," he went on shaking me out of the unpleasant memory, grabbing a white card with four squares marked on it and displaying it. "The second is a four-pronged applicator -" he held up something that looked like a nearly toothless hair pick "- and the third is a sterile micro-lancet." He held up a small piece of blue plastic and split it open. The barb was invisible from this distance but the familiar glint of silver made my stomach knot.</p><p>"I'll be coming around with a dropper of water to prepare your cards, so please don't start until I get to you." He began at Mike's table again, carefully putting one drop of water in each of the four squares. "Then I want you to carefully prick your finger with the lancet..." He grabbed Mike's hand and jabbed the spike into the tip of Mike's middle finger. </p><p>"Put a small drop of blood on each of the prongs." He demonstrated, squeezing Mike's finger till the blood flowed. I swallowed convulsively, my vision drawn to that small bead of red that bubbled to the surface.</p><p>"And then apply it to the card," he finished, holding up the dripping red card for us to see. I needed to get out of there.</p><p>Usually, I would be okay but after spending the lunch with Edward and after stupidly not feeding last night. Blood was a huge source of energy. It was the physical manifestation of flowing energy and it was going to be out in the open flowing around the room. I could smell it. Each person smelling individually unique and delicious... I never thought about drinking blood before but right now the lust from Mikes blood smelled like the most delicious of wines.</p><p>"The Red Cross is having a blood drive in Port Angeles next weekend, so I thought you should all know your blood type." He sounded proud of himself. "Those of you who aren't eighteen yet will need a parent's permission - I have slips at my desk."</p><p>He continued through the room with his water drops. I put my cheek against the cool black tabletop and tried to hold on to my consciousness. All around me I could hear squeals, complaints, and giggles as my classmates skewered their fingers, excitement swirling around the room in tempting red hues. I breathed slowly in and out through my mouth.</p><p>"Beau, are you, all right?" Mr Banner asked. His voice was close to my head, and it sounded alarmed.</p><p>"I already know my blood type, Mr Banner," I said in a weak voice. I was afraid to raise my head.</p><p>"Are you feeling faint?" I had no doubt my sugars are low.</p><p>"Yes, sir," I muttered, internally kicking myself for not ditching when I had the chance.</p><p>"Can someone take Beau to the nurse, please?" he called.</p><p>I didn't have to look up to know that it would be Mike who volunteered.</p><p>"Can you walk?" Mr Banner asked.</p><p>"Yes," I whispered. Just let me get out of here, I thought. I'll crawl.</p><p>Mike seemed eager as he put his arm around my waist and pulled my arm over his shoulder. I leaned against him heavily on the way out of the classroom, though I wanted to run. He smelled so good and it just got stronger and stronger as we walked out of the classroom. He wouldn't mind, his hand was settled on my hip rather than my waist and I could sense Mikes fantasies running wild. Delighted to be my knight in shining armour.</p><p>Mike towed me slowly across campus. I could feel my energy extending towards him unconsciously drawing him in. I was so close. When we were around the edge of the cafeteria, out of sight of building four in case Mr Banner was watching, the cold air hit me in the face, I stopped.</p><p>"Just let me sit for a minute, please?" I begged, needing to get away from him. Far far away from him. Oh god, my body burned, I wanted to cry.</p><p>He helped me sit on the edge of the walk.</p><p>"And whatever you do, keep your hand in your pocket," I warned. I was still so dizzy. I slumped over on my side, putting my cheek against the freezing, damp cement of the sidewalk, closing my eyes. That seemed to help a little. I was going to get sick. I had been so close!! I did not want Mike. I wanted..</p><p>"Wow, you're green, Beau," Mike said nervously.</p><p>"Beau?" a different voice called from the distance.</p><p>No! Please let me be imagining that horribly familiar voice. Not now!</p><p>"What's wrong - is he hurt?" His voice was closer now, and he sounded upset. I wasn't imagining it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to die. Or, at the very least, not to throw up. I put all my concentration into focusing my energy, trying to control myself. I couldn't be like this right now and around Edward! I was bearly clinging onto control.</p><p>Mike seemed stressed. "I think he's fainted. I don't know what happened, he didn't even stick his finger. Though it could be his diabetes I think he didn't eat anything at break"</p><p>"Beau." Edward's voice was right beside me, relieved now. "Can you hear me?"</p><p>"No," I groaned. "Go away." Run.</p><p>He chuckled, amused thinking I just fainted from the sight of blood.</p><p>"I was taking him to the nurse," Mike explained in a defensive tone, "but he wouldn't go any further."</p><p>"I'll take him," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice. "You can go back to class."</p><p>"No," Mike protested. "I'm supposed to do it."</p><p>Suddenly the sidewalk disappeared from beneath me. My eyes flew open in shock. Edward had scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred.</p><p>..... He was touching me.</p><p>My breath was coming out heavily. My stomach cramping.</p><p>"Put me down!" Please, please let me not kill him. He was walking before I was finished talking.</p><p>"Hey!" Mike called, already ten paces behind us.</p><p>Edward ignored him. "You look awful," he told me, grinning.</p><p>"Put me back on the sidewalk," I moaned. The rocking movement of his walk was not helping. He held me away from his body thank god... I think, gingerly, supporting all my weight with just his arms - it didn't seem to bother him, then again I wasn't exactly the weight of a car.</p><p>"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him.</p><p>I didn't answer. I closed my eyes again and fought with all my strength, to keep my energy to myself to not extend it like earlier. I knew for sure I would not be able to stop myself again.</p><p>"And not even your own blood," he continued, enjoying himself.</p><p>I don't know how he opened the door while carrying me, but it was suddenly warm, so I knew we were inside.</p><p>"Oh my," I heard a female voice gasp.</p><p>"He fainted in Biology," Edward explained.</p><p>I opened my eyes. I was in the office, and Edward was striding past the front counter toward the nurse's door. Ms Cope, the redheaded front office receptionist, ran ahead of him to hold it open. The grandmotherly nurse looked up from a novel, astonished, as Edward swung me into the room and placed me gently on the crackly paper that covered the brown vinyl mattress on the one cot. Then he moved to stand against the wall as far across the narrow room as possible. His eyes were bright, excited. matching his energy that was just swirling n my direction. My stomach cramped again I wanted to cry. </p><p>"He's just a little faint," he reassured the startled nurse. "They're blood typing in Biology."</p><p>The nurse nodded sagely. "There's always one."</p><p>He muffled a snicker.</p><p>"Just lie down for a minute, honey; it'll pass. How are your sugars Beau"</p><p>"I know, and I think they are going low" I sighed. Of course, with Edward in the room.</p><p>"You can go back to class now," she told him, reaching for my scanner in my hand that I took from my pocket and holding it over the scanner that was in my arm.</p><p>"I'm supposed to stay with him." He said this with such assured authority that - even though she pursed her lips - the nurse didn't argue it further.</p><p>"I'll go get you some ice for your forehead and some glucose gel, dear," she said to me, and then bustled out of the room. Ugh, that stuff is disgusting. Better than feasting on the man beside me I guess. It wasn't his fault though. It was mine. Why did I have to be like this?</p><p>"You were right," I moaned, letting my eyes close.</p><p>"I usually am - but about what in particular this time?"</p><p>"Ditching is healthy." I practised breathing evenly.</p><p>"You scared me for a minute there," he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he was confessing a humiliating weakness. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."</p><p>I took the glucose gel off the nurse and started to suck it from the tube. Could they even put flavouring in this shit?</p><p>"Haha." I still had my eyes closed, but I was feeling more normal every minute, also trying not to blush at the feeling of the viscus gel in my mouth and thinking what it compares to, I tried not to look at him while I ate it.</p><p>"Honestly - I've seen corpses with better colour. I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder."</p><p>"Poor Mike. I'll bet he's mad."</p><p>"He absolutely loathes me," Edward said cheerfully.</p><p>"You can't know that," I argued, but then I realised that he could.</p><p>"I saw his face - I could tell."</p><p>"How did you see me? I thought you were ditching." I was almost fine now, though the queasiness would probably pass faster if I'd eaten something for lunch. On the other hand, maybe it was lucky my stomach was empty.</p><p>"I was in my car, listening to a CD." Such a normal response - it surprised me.</p><p>I heard the door and opened my eyes to see the nurse coming back in with a cold compress in her hand.</p><p>"Here you go, dear." She laid it across my forehead. "You're looking better," she added.</p><p>"I think I'm fine," I said, sitting up. Just a little ringing in my ears, no spinning. The mint green walls stayed where they should.</p><p>I could see she was about to make me lie back down, but the door opened just then, and Ms Cope stuck her head in.</p><p>"We've got another one," she warned.</p><p>I hopped down to free up the cot for the next invalid.</p><p>I handed the compress back to the nurse. "Here, I don't need this."</p><p>And then Mike staggered through the door, now supporting a sallow-looking Lee Stephens, another boy in our Biology class. Edward and I drew back against the wall to give them room.</p><p>"Oh no," Edward muttered. "Go out to the office, Beau."</p><p>I looked up at him, bewildered.</p><p>"Trust me - go."</p><p>I spun and caught the door before it closed, darting out of the infirmary. I could feel Edward right behind me.</p><p>"You actually listened to me." He was stunned.</p><p>"I smelled the blood," I said, wrinkling my nose, without thinking. Lee wasn't sick from watching other people, like me.</p><p>"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.</p><p>"Well, I can."</p><p>He was staring at me with an unfathomable expression.</p><p>"What?" I asked.</p><p>"It's nothing."</p><p>Mike came through the door then, glancing from me to Edward. The look he gave Edward confirmed what Edward had said about loathing. He looked back at me, his eyes glum.</p><p>"You look better," he accused.</p><p>"Just keep your hand in your pocket," I warned him again.</p><p>"It's not bleeding anymore," he muttered. "Are you going back to class?"</p><p>"Are you kidding? I'd just have to turn around and come back."</p><p>"Yeah, I guess... So are you going this weekend? To the beach?" While he spoke, he flashed another glare toward Edward, who was standing against the cluttered counter, motionless as a sculpture, staring off into space.</p><p>I tried to sound as friendly as possible. "Sure, I said I was in."</p><p>"We're meeting at my dad's store, at ten." His eyes flickered to Edward again, wondering if he was giving out too much information. His body language made it clear that it wasn't an open invitation.</p><p>"I'll be there," I promised.</p><p>"I'll see you in Gym, then," he said, moving uncertainly toward the door.</p><p>"See you," I replied. He looked at me once more, his round face slightly pouting, and then as he walked slowly through the door, his shoulders slumped. A swell of sympathy washed over me. I pondered seeing his disappointed face again... in Gym.</p><p>"Gym," I groaned.</p><p>"I can take care of that." I hadn't noticed Edward moving to my side, but he spoke now in my ear. "Go sit down and look pale," he muttered.</p><p>That wasn't a challenge; I was always pale, and my recent swoon had left a light sheen of sweat on my face. I sat in one of the creaky folding chairs and rested my head against the wall with my eyes closed. Fainting spells always exhausted me.</p><p>I heard Edward speaking softly at the counter.</p><p>"Ms Cope?"</p><p>"Yes?" I hadn't heard her return to her desk.</p><p>"Beau has Gym next hour, and I don't think he feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take him home now. Do you think you could excuse him from class?" His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.</p><p>"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms Cope fluttered. Why couldn't I do that?</p><p>"No, I have Mrs Goff, she won't mind."</p><p>"Okay, it's all taken care of. You feel better, Beau," she called to me. I nodded weakly, hamming it up just a bit.</p><p>"Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?" With his back to the receptionist, his expression became sarcastic, teasing.</p><p>"I'll walk."</p><p>I stood carefully, and I was still fine. He held the door for me, his smile polite but his eyes mocking. I walked out into the cold, fine mist that had just begun to fall. It felt nice - the first time I'd enjoyed the constant moisture falling out of the sky - as it washed my face clean of the sticky perspiration.</p><p>"Thanks," I said as he followed me out. "It's almost worth getting sick to miss Gym."</p><p>"Anytime." He was staring straight forward, squinting into the rain.</p><p>"So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?" I was hoping he would, though it seemed unlikely. I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world. But just hoping that he might give me the twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt for the outing.</p><p>"Where are you all going, exactly?" He was still looking ahead, expressionless.</p><p>"Down to La Push, to First Beach." I studied his face, trying to read it. His eyes seemed to narrow infinitesimally.</p><p>He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye, smiling wryly. "I really don't think I was invited."</p><p>I sighed. "I just invited you."</p><p>"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.</p><p>"Mike-schmike." I muttered, preoccupied with the way he'd said "you and I." I liked it more than I should.</p><p>We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.</p><p>"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.</p><p>I was confused. "I'm going home."</p><p>"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" His voice was still indignant.</p><p>"What condition? And what about my truck?" I complained.</p><p>"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backwards. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did.</p><p>"Let go!" I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo. Then he finally freed me - I stumbled against the passenger door.</p><p>"You are so pushy!" I grumbled, both annoyed and happy that he seemed to make a point not to touch me.</p><p>"It's open," was all he responded. He got in the driver's side.</p><p>"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!" I stood by the car, fuming. It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping.</p><p>He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. "Get in, Beau."</p><p>I didn't answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.</p><p>"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.</p><p>I tried to maintain what dignity I could as I got into his car. I wasn't very successful - I looked like a half-drowned cat and my boots squeaked.</p><p>"This is completely unnecessary," I said stiffly.</p><p>He didn't answer. He fiddled with the controls, turning the heater up and the music down. As he pulled out of the parking lot, I was preparing to give him the silent treatment - my face in full pout mode - but then I recognized the music playing, and my curiosity got the better of my intentions.</p><p>"Clair de Lune?" I asked, surprised.</p><p>"You know Debussy?" He sounded surprised, too.</p><p>"Not well," I admitted. "My mother played a lot of classical music around the house - I only know my favourites."</p><p>"It's one of my favourites, too." He stared out through the rain, lost in thought.</p><p>I listened to the music, relaxing against the light grey leather seat. It was impossible not to respond to the familiar, soothing melody. The rain blurred everything outside the window into grey and green smudges. I began to realize we were driving very fast; the car moved so steadily, so evenly, though, I didn't feel the speed. Only the town flashing by gave it away.</p><p>"What is your mother like?" he asked me suddenly.</p><p>I glanced over to see him studying me with curious eyes, I didn't really want to talk about her right now, but again I wanted to please him. How annoying.</p><p>"She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier," I said. He raised his eyebrows. "I have too much Charlie in me. She's more outgoing than I am. She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook." I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed. Was it weird that I kind of missed her? Well the old her, from when was younger. </p><p>"How old are you, Beau?" His voice sounded frustrated for some reason I couldn't imagine. He'd stopped the car, and I realized we were at home already. The rain was so heavy that I could barely see the house at all. It was like the car was submerged under a river.</p><p>"Why?" I responded, a little confused.</p><p>"You seem mature for a teenager."</p><p>His tone was reproachful; it made me laugh. Because I wasn't one.</p><p>"What?" he asked, curious again.</p><p>"Well, someone has to be the adult, I guess." I laughed without humour not willing to tell him my real age just yet and paused for a second. "You don't seem much like a junior in high school yourself," I noted.</p><p>He made a face and changed the subject.</p><p>"So why did your mother marry Phil?"</p><p>I was surprised he would remember the name; I'd mentioned it just once, almost two months ago. It took me a moment to answer.</p><p>"My mother... she's very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she's crazy about him." I shook my head. The attraction was a mystery to me. I was happy she had someone. Someone she wanted me far away from and not kill I guess.</p><p>"Do you approve?" he asked.</p><p>"Does it matter?" I countered. "I want her to be happy" besides everything "... and he is who she wants." I really don't want to keep talking about her.</p><p>"That's very generous... I wonder," he mused.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?" He was suddenly intent, his eyes searching mine.</p><p>I snorted "I say she'd be more worried for the other person."</p><p>"Oh? " he looked confused.</p><p>I grimaced "Sorry, we're not really on speaking terms right now"</p><p>He looked at me intently and I could sense his curiosity beginning to burst. But thankfully he didn't ask.</p><p>"So, now are you going to tell me about your family?" I asked to distract him. "It's got to be a much more interesting story than mine."</p><p>He was instantly cautious. "What do you want to know?"</p><p>"The Cullens adopted you?" I verified.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>I hesitated for a moment. "What happened to your parents?"</p><p>"They died many years ago." His tone was matter-of-fact.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I mumbled.</p><p>"I don't really remember them that clearly. Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now."</p><p>"And you love them." It wasn't a question. It was obvious in the way he spoke of them. He wasn't giving much information though.</p><p>"Yes." He smiled. "I couldn't imagine two better people."</p><p>"You're very lucky."</p><p>"I know I am."</p><p>"And your brother and sister?"</p><p>He glanced at the clock on the dashboard.</p><p>"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."</p><p>"Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go." I didn't want to get out of the car. His company was making me... warm was the only way I could describe it, I chose that feeling to focus on over the sickening cramps and suffocating energy.</p><p>"And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don't have to tell him about the Biology incident." He grinned at me.</p><p>"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks." I sighed.</p><p>He laughed, and there was an edge to his laughter.</p><p>"Have fun at the beach... good weather for sunbathing." He glanced out at the sheeting rain.</p><p>"Won't I see you tomorrow?"</p><p>"No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early."</p><p>"What are you going to do?" A friend could ask that, right? I hoped the disappointment wasn't too apparent in my voice.</p><p>"We're going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier."</p><p>I remembered Charlie had said the Cullen's went camping frequently.</p><p>"Oh, well, have fun." I tried to sound enthusiastic. I don't think I fooled him, though. A smile was playing around the edges of his lips.</p><p>"Will you do something for me this weekend?" He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.</p><p>I nodded helplessly, again this was getting annoying. </p><p>"Don't be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So... try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?" He smiled crookedly.</p><p>The helplessness had faded as he spoke. I glared at him. Annoyed.</p><p>"I'll see what I can do," I snapped as I jumped out into the rain. I slammed the door behind me with excessive force.</p><p>He was still smiling as he drove away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22 (Edwards pov)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know people seem to prefer Beau's POV so I'll be focusing more on that in the future!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasn't out yet. That was good because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time.</p><p>His scent lingered in the car. I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, trying to get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat.</p><p>Attraction.</p><p>It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many different meanings and levels.</p><p>Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.</p><p>I had no idea if Beau was attracted to me. Would his mental silence somehow continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad? Or was there a limit that I would eventually reach?</p><p>I tried to compare his physical responses to others, like the secretary and Jessica Stanley, but the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers-changes in heart rate and breathing patterns-could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they did interest. It seemed unlikely that Beau could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughts that Jessica Stanley used to have. After all, Beau knew very well that there was something wrong with me, even if he didn't know what exactly it was. He had touched my icy skin, and then yanked his hand away from the chill.</p><p>And yet...as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me, but remembered them with Beau in Jessica's place...</p><p>I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.</p><p>What if it had been Beau imagining me with my arms wrapped around his fragile body? Feeling me pull him tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under his chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of his hair back from his blushing face? Tracing the shape of his full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to his, where I could feel the heat of his breath on my mouth? Moving closer still...</p><p>But then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had known when Jessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to him.</p><p>Attraction was an impossible dilemma because I was already too attracted to Beau in the worst way.</p><p>Did I want Beau to be attracted to me?</p><p>That was the wrong question. The right question was should I want Beau to be attracted to me that way, and that answer was no. Because I was not a human man, and that wasn't fair to him.</p><p>With every fibre of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could hold him in my arms without risking his life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies, fantasies that didn't end in with his blood on my hands, his blood glowing in my eyes.</p><p>My pursuit of him was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I offer him, when I couldn't risk touching him?</p><p>I hung my head in my hands.</p><p>It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole life-not even when I was human, as far as I could recall. When I had been human, my thoughts had all been turned to a soldier's glory. The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence, and I'd been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck... I had just vague impressions of those human years, murky memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mother most clearly and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly how much she had hated the future I'd raced eagerly toward, praying every night when she said grace at dinner that the "horrid war" would end... I had no memories of another kind of yearning. Besides my mother's love, there was no other love that had made me wish to stay...</p><p>This was entirely new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make. The love I felt for Beau had come purely, but now the waters were muddied. I wanted very much to be able to touch him. Did he feel the same way?</p><p>That didn't matter, I tried to convince myself.</p><p>I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strength...</p><p>I jumped when the passenger door opened.</p><p>Ha. Caught you by surprise. There's a first, Emmett thought as he slid into the seat.</p><p>"I'll bet Mrs. Goff thinks you're on drugs, you've been so erratic lately. Where were you today?"</p><p>"I was...doing good deeds."</p><p>Huh?</p><p>I chuckled. "Caring for the sick, that kind of thing."</p><p>That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car. "Oh. The boy again?"</p><p>I grimaced.</p><p>This is getting weird.</p><p>"Tell me about it," I mumbled.</p><p>He inhaled again. "Hmm, he does have a quite a flavour, doesn't he?"</p><p>The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way, an automatic response.</p><p>"Easy, kid, I'm just sayin.'"</p><p>The others arrived then. Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me, still not over her irritation. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear from her were insults.</p><p>I didn't like Jasper's reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Beau's appeal.</p><p>Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. I still upset me that his blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control...</p><p>Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Beau's truck key. "I only saw that I was, "she said-obscurely, as was her habit. "You'll have to tell me the whys."</p><p>"This doesn't mean-"</p><p>"I know, I know. I'll wait. It won't be long."</p><p>I sighed and gave her the key.</p><p>I followed her to Beau's house. The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that maybe Beau's human ears couldn't hear the thunder of the truck's engine. I watched his window, but he didn't come to look out. Maybe he wasn't there.</p><p>There were no thoughts to hear.</p><p>It made me sad that I couldn't hear enough even to check on him to make sure he was happy, or safe, at the least.</p><p>Alice climbed in the back and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so it only took a few minutes.</p><p>We trooped into the house, and then went to our various pastimes.</p><p>Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizing eight joined boards spread out along the glass back wall-and their own complicated set of rules. They wouldn't let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore.</p><p>Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear her monitors sing to life.</p><p>Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalie's wardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and colour as Alice's hand traced over the touch sensitive screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweak that system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, today Rosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels a second on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or not to go out to the garage and tune her BMW again.</p><p>Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blueprints.</p><p>Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthing Emmett's next moves-Emmett sat on the floor with his back to her-to Jasper, who kept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmett's favourite knight.</p><p>And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisite grand piano stationed just off the entryway. I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning was still perfect.</p><p>Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.</p><p>I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today when I skipped biology, pleased that it sounded even better than I'd imagined.</p><p>Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across her face. She got up from her desk and flitted silently to the head of the stairs.</p><p>I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.</p><p>Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head against the bannister. A new song. It's been so long. What a lovely tune.</p><p>I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line.</p><p>Edward is composing again. Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together in fierce resentment.</p><p>In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Beau Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.</p><p>With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.</p><p>The music came to an abrupt halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, a sharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth.</p><p>Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparkling with chagrined fury.</p><p>Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esme's confusion. Esme was downstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.</p><p>"Don't stop, Edward," Esme encouraged after a strained moment.</p><p>I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of the room, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly, quite embarrassed.</p><p>If you say anything, I will hunt you like a dog.</p><p>I smothered another laugh.</p><p>"What's wrong, Rose?" Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn't turn. She continued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if she could bury herself there.</p><p>"What's that about?" Emmett asked me.</p><p>"I don't have the faintest idea," I lied.</p><p>Emmett grumbled, frustrated.</p><p>"Keep playing," Esme urged. My hands had paused again.</p><p>I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders.</p><p>The song was compelling but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didn't seem right somehow.</p><p>"It's charming. Does it have a name?" Esme asked.</p><p>"Not yet."</p><p>"Is there a story to it?" she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very great pleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish.</p><p>"It's...a lullaby, I suppose." I got the bridge right then. It led easily to the next movement, taking on a life of its own.</p><p>"A lullaby," she repeated to herself.</p><p>There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that the pieces fell into place effortlessly. The story was a sad boy, full of secrets struggling to sleep in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillow...</p><p>Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. In her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant two octaves above the melody.</p><p>"I like it," I murmured. "But how about this?"</p><p>I added her line to the harmony-my hands were flying across the keys now to work all the pieces together-modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction... She caught the mood and sung along.</p><p>"Yes. Perfect," I said.</p><p>Esme squeezed my shoulder.</p><p>But I could see the end now, with Alice's voice rising above the tune and taking it to another place. I could see how the song must end. The song drifted toward that realization, slower and lower now. Alice's voice lowered, too, and became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral.</p><p>I played the last note and then bowed my head over the keys.</p><p>Esme stroked my hair. It's going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.</p><p>"Thanks," I whispered, wishing I could believe it. Love doesn't always come in convenient packages. I laughed once without humour.</p><p>You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary.</p><p>You are the best and the brightest of us all.</p><p>I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.</p><p>Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time, no matter the potential for tragedy. She'd thought I would always be alone...</p><p>He'll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. If he's a bright young man. She smiled. But I can't imagine anyone being so slow they wouldn't see the catch you are.</p><p>"Stop it, Mom, you're making me blush," I teased. Her words, though improbable, did cheer me.</p><p>I had to admit it surprised me a bit that the whole family seemed to accept me through this, despite the fact that Beau was a human he was also a man. All of my family were from older times where they would have been brought up with these values, yet I did not detect one homophobic thought, just maybe the odd thought of curiosity, this was as new to me as it was to them afterall. Even though I had never met a homosexual vampire before. They all just seemed happy that I had found someone, despite their incapability to understand why it was a human. I was eternally grateful.</p><p>Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of "Heart and Soul." I grinned and completed the simple harmony with her. Then I favoured her with a performance of "Chopsticks."</p><p>She giggled, then sighed. "So, I wish you'd tell me what you were laughing at Rose about," Alice said.</p><p>"But I can see that you won't."</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>She flicked my ear with her finger.</p><p>"Be nice, Alice," Esme chided. "Edward is being a gentleman."</p><p>"But I want to know."</p><p>I laughed at the whining tone she put on. Then I said, "Here, Esme," and began playing her favourite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.</p><p>"Thank you, dear." She squeezed my shoulder again.</p><p>I didn't have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead, I thought of Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself.</p><p>Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousand times pettier than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario.</p><p>I wondered how Rosalie's life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beauty hadn't at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? More compassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the spotlight of her own loveliness. Not that she'd minded. The opposite-she'd loved admiration above almost anything else. That hadn't changed with the loss of her mortality.</p><p>It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that she'd been offended when I had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship. Not that she'd wanted me in any way-far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.</p><p>It was different with Jasper and Carlisle-they were already both in love. I was completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.</p><p>I'd thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.</p><p>And she had been...until the day that I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.</p><p>Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshipping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. She'd been furious since the moment I'd saved Beau's life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.</p><p>Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human more appealing than her, she was comforting herself with the fact that I was probably always a closet homosexual and could not find females attractive. Though Beau's femininity was making her question herself. I suppressed the urge to laugh again.</p><p>It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Beau. Rosalie actually thought the boy was plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.</p><p>"Play the new song for me, one more time," Esme asked.</p><p>"If you'd like that," I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to its unknown end-the end that had set me aching in unfamiliar ways. I thought for a moment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty music stand. That helped a bit-my little memento of his yes.</p><p>I nodded to myself and started playing.</p><p>Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.<br/>***</p><p>"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I called to Emmett.</p><p>"Oh, hey Edward!" he shouted back, grinning and waving at me. The bear took advantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmett's chest. The sharp claws shredded through his shirt and squealed across his skin.</p><p>The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.</p><p>Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!</p><p>Emmett roared back at the enraged animal.</p><p>I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might take a while.</p><p>But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with another swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back.</p><p>The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launched himself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. The bear's growls cut off with a gurgle.</p><p>A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. His shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curly hair wasn't in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.</p><p>"That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me."</p><p>"You're such a child, Emmett."</p><p>He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. "Weren't you able to track down that mountain lion, then?"</p><p>"Of course I was. I just don't eat like a savage."</p><p>Emmett laughed his booming laugh. "I wish they were stronger. It would be more fun."</p><p>"No one said you had to fight your food."</p><p>"Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose never wants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it."</p><p>"Life is hard all around, isn't it?"</p><p>Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised to take a charge.</p><p>"C'mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair."</p><p>"It doesn't turn off," I reminded him.</p><p>"Wonder what that human does to keep you out?" Emmett mused. "Maybe he could give me some pointers."</p><p>My good humour vanished. "Stay away from him," I growled through my teeth.</p><p>"Touchy, touchy."</p><p>I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.</p><p>"Sorry. I know you're going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not be too much of an insensitive jerk, but, since that's sort of my natural state..."</p><p>He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face.</p><p>So serious all the time. What's bugging you now?</p><p>"Thinking about him. Well, worrying, really."</p><p>"What's there to worry about? You are here." He laughed loudly.</p><p>I ignored his joke again but answered his question. "Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?"</p><p>"Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn't much match for a bear that first time around, was I?"</p><p>"Bears," I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. "That would be just his luck, wouldn't it? Stray bear in town. Of course, it would head straight for Beau."</p><p>Emmett chuckled. "You sound like a crazy person; do you know that?"</p><p>"Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bear...or get hit by a car...or lightening ...or fall downstairs...or get sick-get a disease!" The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out-they'd been festering inside me all weekend. "Fires and earthquakes and tornados! Ugh! When's the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides..." My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting him that I couldn't breathe.</p><p>"Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, kid. He lives in Forks, remember? So he gets rained on." He shrugged.</p><p>"I think he has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. Look at the evidence. Of all the places in the world he could go, he ends up in a town where vampires make up a significant portion of the population."</p><p>"Yeah, but we're vegetarians. So, isn't that good luck, not bad?"</p><p>"With the way he smells. Definitely bad. And then, more bad luck, the way he smells to me." I glowered at my hands, hating them again.</p><p>"Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle. Good luck again."</p><p>"The van?"</p><p>"That was just an accident."</p><p>"You should have seen it coming for him, Em, again and again. I swear, it was like he had some kind of magnetic pull."</p><p>"But you were there. That was good luck."</p><p>"Was it? Isn't this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have-to-have a vampire fall in love with them?"</p><p>Emmett considered that quietly for a moment. He pictured the boy in his head, and found the image uninteresting, he hasn't really been paying attention to him. Honestly, I can't really see the draw.</p><p>"Well, I can't really see Rosalie's allure, either," I said rudely. "Honestly, she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth."</p><p>Emmett chuckled. "I don't suppose you'd tell me..."</p><p>"I don't know what her problem is, Emmett," I lied with a sudden, wide grin.</p><p>I saw his intent in time to brace myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, and there was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us.</p><p>"Cheater," he muttered.</p><p>I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction.</p><p>He was picturing Beau's face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining his eyes bright red...</p><p>"No," I said, my voice strangled.</p><p>"It solves your worries about mortality, doesn't it? And then you wouldn't want to kill him, either. Isn't that the best way?"</p><p>"For me? Or for him?"</p><p>"For you," he answered easily. His tone added the of course.</p><p>I laughed humourlessly. "Wrong answer."</p><p>"I didn't mind so much," he reminded me.</p><p>"Rosalie did."</p><p>He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything if it meant she could be human again. Even Emmett.</p><p>"Yeah, Rose did," he acquiesced quietly.</p><p>"I can't... I shouldn't... I'm not going to ruin Beau's life. Wouldn't you feel the same if it were Rosalie?"</p><p>Emmett thought about that for a moment. You really...love him?</p><p>"I can't even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this boy's the whole world to me. I don't see the point of the rest of the world without him anymore."</p><p>But you won't change him? He won't last forever, Edward.</p><p>"I know that," I groaned.</p><p>And, as you've pointed out, he's sort of breakable.</p><p>"Trust me-that I know, too."</p><p>Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. He struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.</p><p>Can you even touch him? I mean, if you love him...wouldn't you want to, well touch him...?</p><p>Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how one could love, without that aspect.</p><p>I sighed. "I can't even think of that, Emmett."</p><p>Wow. So what are your options, then?</p><p>"I don't know," I whispered. "I'm trying to figure out a way to...to leave him. I just can't fathom how to make myself stay away..."</p><p>For the moment, I could be his unlikely protector.</p><p>The thought made me anxious; I itched to be back so that I could fill that role for as long as possible.</p><p>Emmett noticed the change in my expression. What are you thinking about?</p><p>"Right now," I admitted a bit sheepishly, "I'm dying to run back to Forks and check on him. I don't know if I'll make it till Sunday night."</p><p>"Uh-uh! You are not going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit. Please! For my sake."</p><p>"I'll try to stay," I said doubtfully.</p><p>Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket. "Alice would call if there were any basis for your panic attack. She's as weird about this kid as you are."</p><p>I grimaced at that. "Fine. But I'm not staying past Sunday."</p><p>"There's no point in hurrying back-it's going to be sunny, anyway. Alice said we were free from school until Wednesday."</p><p>I shook my head rigidly.</p><p>"I really don't care, Emmett. With Beau's luck, he'll go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and-" I flinched. "ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN."</p><p>Emmett sighed. Exactly like a crazy person.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"I had no idea if Beau was attracted to me" ........... Fuckin lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I sat in my room, trying to concentrate on the third act of Macbeth, I was really listening for my truck. I would have thought, even over the pounding rain, I could have heard the engine's roar. But when I went to peek out the curtain - again - it was suddenly there.</p><p>I wasn't looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations. Of course, there were the fainting comments. Jessica especially seemed to get a kick out of that story. Luckily Mike had kept his mouth shut, and no one seemed to know about Edward's involvement. She did have a lot of questions about lunch, though.</p><p>"So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?" Jessica asked in Trig.</p><p>"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "He never really got to the point."</p><p>"You looked kind of mad," she fished.</p><p>"Did I?" I kept my expression blank.</p><p>"You know, I've never seen him sit with anyone but his family before. That was weird."</p><p>"Weird," I agreed. She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently - I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.</p><p>The worst part about Friday was that, even though I knew he wasn't going to be there, I still hoped. When I walked into the cafeteria with Jessica and Mike, I couldn't keep from looking at his table, where Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper sat talking, heads close together. And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again, which annoyed me that it affected me this much. Unhealthy I shook my head. </p><p>At my usual table, everyone was full of our plans for the next day. Mike was animated again, putting a great deal of trust in the local weatherman who promised sun tomorrow. I'd have to see that before I believed it. But it was warmer today - almost sixty. Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.</p><p>I intercepted a few unfriendly glances from Lauren during lunch, which I didn't understand until we were all walking out of the room together. I was right behind her, just a foot from her slick, silver blond hair, and she was evidently unaware of that.</p><p>"...don't know why Beau" - she sneered my name - "doesn't just sit with the Cullen's from now on."</p><p>Was it because I sat with the Cullen's or was she mad about my rejection?</p><p>I heard her muttering to Mike. I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had, and I was surprised by the malice in it. I really didn't know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me - or so I'd thought. "He's my friend; he sits with us," Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially. I paused to let Jess and Angela pass me. I didn't want to hear any more. I cringed, in embarrassment for her, maybe highschool drama wasn't as different from TV than I thought. Gross.</p><p>That night at dinner, Charlie seemed enthusiastic about my trip to La Push in the morning. I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he'd spent too many years building his habits to break them now. Of course, he knew the names of all the kids going, and their parents, and their great-grandparents, too, probably. He seemed to approve. I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to...somewhere with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.... I think...I don't know why I wanted it to be a secret between just us.</p><p>"Dad, do you know a place called Goat Rocks or something like that? I think it's south of Mount Rainier," I asked casually.</p><p>"Yeah - why?"</p><p>I shrugged. "Some kids were talking about camping there."</p><p>"It's not a very good place for camping." He sounded surprised. "Too many bears. Most people go there during the hunting season."</p><p>"Oh," I murmured. "Maybe I got the name wrong."<br/>
Charlie was really trying lately but I don't know. Things felt weird. I don't know if he knew how exactly my powers worked but I could feel the buildup in him the deep emotion that was close to exploding. When he thought I was asleep I could feel the guilt explode in him and eat him from the inside out. I wanted to reach out and comfort or help him but honestly, I didn't know how to do that. I wasn't used to being close to people, to affection and all of that shit, No matter how much I wanted to go and comfort him all I could do is sit there and try to hold back tears. To selfishly wait for him to make the first move. </p><p>The following day I opened my eyes from feeding to an unusual brightness. I opened my eyes to see a clear yellow light streaming through my window. I couldn't believe it. I hurried to the window to check, and sure enough, there was the sun. It was in the wrong place in the sky, too low, and it didn't seem to be as close as it should be, but it was definitely the sun. Don't get me wrong I have been getting used to forks weather but a change is nice every now and again. </p><p>Clouds ringed the horizon, but a large patch of blue was visible in the middle. I lingered by the window as long as I could, afraid that if I left the blue would disappear again.</p><p>The Newtons' Olympic Outfitters store was just north of town. I'd seen the store, but I'd never stopped there - not having much need for any supplies required for being outdoors over an extended period of time. In the parking lot I recognized Mike's Suburban and Tyler's Sentra. As I pulled up next to their vehicles, I could see the group standing around in front of the Suburban. Eric was there, along with two other boys I had class with; I was fairly sure their names were Ben and Conner. Jess was there, flanked by Angela and Lauren. Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in Gym on Friday. That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren. Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully.</p><p>So it was going to be one of those days. The only word I could think of to describe what I was feeling was eww. </p><p>At least Mike was happy to see me.</p><p>"You came!" he called, delighted. "And I said it would be sunny today, didn't I?"</p><p>"I told you I was coming," I reminded him.</p><p>"We're just waiting for Lee and Samantha... unless you invited someone," Mike added.</p><p>"Nope," I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear. Stupid. Obsessed. Stop. </p><p> </p><p>Mike looked satisfied.</p><p>"Will you ride in my car? It's that or Lee's mom's minivan."</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.</p><p>"You can have shotgun," he promised. I hid my chagrin. It wasn't as simple to make Mike and Jessica happy at the same time. I could see Jessica glowering at us now.</p><p>The numbers worked out in my favour, though. Lee brought two extra people, and suddenly every seat was necessary. I managed to wedge Jess in between Mike and me in the front seat of the Suburban. Mike could have been more graceful about it, but at least Jess seemed appeased, I had enough emotional daggers being thrown at me today thank you very much.</p><p>It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way and the wide Quillayute River snaking beneath it twice. I was glad I had the window seat. We'd rolled the windows down - the Suburban was a bit claustrophobic with nine people in it - and I tried to absorb as much sunlight as possible.</p><p>I'd been to the beaches around La Push many times during my Forks summers with Charlie, so the mile-long crescent of First Beach was familiar to me. It was still breath taking. The water was dark grey, even in the sunlight, white-capped and heaving to the grey, rocky shore. Islands rose out of the steel harbour waters with sheer cliff sides, reaching to uneven summits, and crowned with austere, soaring firs. The beach had only a thin border of actual sand at the water's edge, after which it grew into millions of large, smooth stones that looked uniformly grey from a distance, but close up were every shade a stone could be: terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue grey, dull gold. The tide line was strewn with huge driftwood trees, bleached bone white in the salt waves, some piled together against the edge of the forest fringe, some lying solitary, just out of reach of the waves.</p><p>There was a brisk wind coming off the waves, cool and briny. Pelicans floated on the swells while seagulls and a lone eagle wheeled above them. The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.</p><p>We picked our way down to the beach, Mike leading the way to a ring of driftwood logs that had obviously been used for parties like ours before. There was a fire circle already in place, filled with black ashes. Eric and the boy I thought was named Ben gathered broken branches of driftwood from the drier piles against the forest edge, and soon had a teepee-shaped construction built atop the old cinders.</p><p>"Have you ever seen a driftwood fire?" Mike asked me. I was sitting on one of the bone-coloured benches; the other girls clustered, gossiping excitedly, on either side of me. Mike kneeled by the fire, lighting one of the smaller sticks with a cigarette lighter.</p><p>"No," I said as he placed the blazing twig carefully against the teepee.</p><p>"You'll like this then - watch the colours." He lit another small branch and laid it alongside the first. The flames started to lick quickly up the dry wood.</p><p>"It's blue," I said in surprise.</p><p>"The salt does it. Pretty, isn't it?" He lit one more piece, placed it where the fire hadn't yet caught, and then came to sit by me. Thankfully, Jess was on his other side. She turned to him and claimed his attention, the situation would be really funny if it was not awkward as hell. I watched the strange blue and green flames crackle toward the sky.<br/>
It felt surreal. Sitting here surrounded by such beauty and colours, my mind honestly found it hard to believe. It was difficult to cope with the fact that this was real, that I wouldn't wake up any moment now and be back staring at four blank concrete walls. It was so overwhelming when I stopped to think about it. My chest tightened in panic and my breath came out shallower with each passing second. Why wasn't I happy. I had everything I could ever hope to dream of and more, I was free, I had a home a loving father and people trying to be my friend. Why couldn't I just get over myself and forget everything and embrace the now, why couldn't I-.</p><p>"Hey, are you coming?" Mikes voice distracted me from my pending mental breakdown. Some of the boys wanted to hike to the nearby tidal pools. It was a dilemma. On the one hand, I loved the tide pools. They had fascinated me since I was a child; they were one of the only things I ever looked forward to when I had to come to Forks. On the other hand, I'd also fallen into them a lot. Not a big deal when you're seven and with your dad. It reminded me of Edward's request - that I not fall into the ocean.</p><p>Lauren was the one who made my decision for me. She didn't want to hike, and she was definitely wearing the wrong shoes for it. Most of the other girls besides Angela and Jessica decided to stay on the beach as well. I waited until Tyler and Eric had committed to remaining with them before I got up quietly to join the pro-hiking group. Mike gave me a huge smile when he saw that I was coming, why did shit have to be so complicated. I guess it is a normal teenager drama though. I should be grateful.</p><p>The hike wasn't too long, though I hated to lose the sky in the woods. The green light of the forest was strangely at odds with the adolescent laughter, too murky and ominous to be in harmony with the light banter around me. I had to watch each step I took very carefully, avoiding roots below and branches above, and I soon fell behind. I basked in the serenity of the forest. The energy that flowed in a beautiful synchronisation was calming in comparison to the dramatic and moody shift6s of the people at the beach. There was something deeper here in this land to other forests, it seemed more....spiritual I guess I didn't want to ponder it already having to deal with enough drama but I suspected that it had something to do with the fact that there were a lot of native spirits here, I saw them earlier wandering the beach.</p><p>Eventually, I broke through the emerald confines of the forest and found the rocky shore again. It was low tide, and a tidal river flowed past us on its way to the sea. Along its pebbled banks, shallow pools that never completely drained were teeming with life.</p><p>I was very cautious not to lean too far over the little ocean ponds. The others were fearless, leaping over the rocks, perching precariously on the edges. I found a very stable-looking rock on the fringe of one of the largest pools and sat there cautiously, spellbound by the natural aquarium below me. The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return. I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me, stupid. I worried that I was becoming like some obsessed stalker. </p><p>Finally, the boys were hungry, and I got up stiffly to follow them back. I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, not wanting to walk into any curious spirits, so naturally, I fell a few times, too distracted with the beautiful surroundings. I got some shallow scrapes on my palms, and the knees of my jeans were stained green, but it could have been worse.</p><p>When we got back to First Beach, the group we'd left behind had multiplied. As we got closer, we could see the shining, straight black hair and copper skin of the newcomers, teenagers from the reservation come to socialize.</p><p>The food was already being passed around, and the boys hurried to claim a share while Eric introduced us as we each entered the driftwood circle. Angela and I were the last to arrive, and, as Eric said our names, I noticed a younger boy sitting on the stones near the fire glance up at me in interest. I sat down next to Angela, the only person it didn't tax me to be around, and Mike brought us sandwiches and an array of sodas to choose from, while a boy who looked to be the oldest of the visitors rattled off the names of the seven others with him. All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob.</p><p>It was relaxing to sit with Angela; she was a restful kind of person to be around - she didn't feel the need to fill every silence with chatter. She left me free to think undisturbed while we ate. And I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks, passing in a blur at times, with single images standing out more clearly than others. And then, at other times, every second was significant, etched in my mind. I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.</p><p>During lunch the clouds started to advance, slinking across the blue sky, darting in front of the sun momentarily, casting long shadows across the beach, and blackening the waves. As they finished eating, people started to drift away in twos and threes. Some walked down to the edge of the waves, trying to skip rocks across the choppy surface. Others were gathering a second expedition to the tide pools. Mike - with Jessica shadowing him - headed up to the one shop in the village. Some of the local kids went with them; others went along on the hike. By the time they all had scattered, I was sitting alone on my driftwood log, with Lauren and Tyler occupying themselves by the CD player someone had thought to bring, and three teenagers from the reservation perched around the circle, including the boy named Jacob and the oldest boy who had acted as spokesperson.</p><p>It was getting kind of peaceful now, especially since the people who were saturated in access lust chose this time to take their person of interest on a romantic stroll.</p><p>It was annoying me how much I thought about Edward but after discovering that he thought I was human has motivated me to just not want to know. I knew how easy it would be to figure out but ... I just wanted peace and I was afraid if I acknowledged it everything would go to shit. And now there were new anxieties, I would have to tell him that I was not human. It was only fair. What if he was disgusted by me though? And how would I tell him in the first place?</p><p>I looked down at my hands in confusion my elbows resting on my knees. How would he feel if he found out I was not as delicate as I seemed? I wondered as I looked at my scraped hands hoping nobody would notice why they were already healed or that those should have been deep enough cuts to draw blood, but it wasn't that easy.</p><p>Edward didn't bleed. I wondered if his healing capabilities were like mine. He stopped a car with his hands and not a scratch. I had never met another creature like that before, his skin was cold. He had to be a sprit but his concern over that I thought back to our conversation at lunch with a smile. I knew he was spying on me.. I wonder why he was spying though. I had originally thought that he was curious about what I was or spying on me to get information for his family so they could kill or sacrifice me (okay I was definitely watching too much anime) but now that I know that he thinks that I am human.... I wonder.</p><p>Well, he can read minds, lift vans with his bare hands... doesn't like blood typing... He purposefully skipped biology when we were doing blood typing and I was too out of it to notice at first but when Mike brought that other boy in, he rushed me out of the room and hunger was flaring in his aura.</p><p>Could.... Could he feed on blood like I feed from lust? Could I smell as good to him as he does to me?</p><p>Was Edward Cullen a vampire?</p><p>No. He couldn't be. I met a few vampires in the land of dreams, they summoned me with old texts they found, I suppose eternity can be lonely. They were not like Edward, their eyes were ruby red and they pounced for my blood in seconds, none were kind or even pretended to be normal. But I suppose those summoning incubuses for a quick fuck have no intentions of being kind only showing their superiority and using the power they have over you, to do as they please.</p><p>Edward was not like that.... I think.</p><p>But I felt no malicious intentions in his energy.</p><p>I know you should not judge one person's actions based on the rest of their species but....</p><p>I was distracted by the boy, Jacob, he sauntered over to take Angela's place by my side, interrupting my inner breakdown. He looked fourteen, maybe fifteen, and had long, beautiful, glossy black hair pulled back with a rubber band at the nape of his neck. His skin was beautiful, silky and russet-coloured; his eyes were dark, set deep above the high planes of his cheekbones. He still had just a hint of childish roundness left around his chin. Altogether, a very pretty face. However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the strange aura surrounding him, that I could not place, it was faint, barely noticeable.</p><p>"You're Beau Swan, aren't you?"</p><p>It was like the first day of school all over again.</p><p>"Yeah," I smiled.</p><p>"I'm Jacob Black." He held his hand out in a friendly gesture. "You bought my dad's truck."</p><p>"Oh," I said, relieved, shaking his sleek hand. "You're Billy's son. I probably should remember you."</p><p>"No, I'm the youngest of the family - you would remember my older sisters."</p><p>"Rachel and Rebecca," I suddenly recalled. Charlie and Billy had thrown us together a lot during my visits, to keep us busy while they fished. We were all too shy to make much progress as friends. Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.</p><p>"Are they here?" I examined the girls at the ocean's edge, wondering if I would recognize them now.</p><p>"No." Jacob shook his head. "Rachel got a scholarship to Washington State, and Rebecca married a Samoan surfer - she lives in Hawaii now."</p><p>"Married. Wow." I was stunned. The twins were only a little over a year older than I was.</p><p>"So how do you like the truck?" he asked.</p><p>"I love it. It runs great."</p><p>"Yeah, but it's really slow," he laughed. "I was so relieved when Charlie bought it. My dad wouldn't let me work on building another car when we had a perfectly good vehicle right there."</p><p>"It's not that slow," I objected, defending my truck.</p><p>"Have you tried to go over sixty?"</p><p>"No," I admitted.</p><p>"Good. Don't." He grinned.</p><p>I couldn't help grinning back, his aura was warm, soothing. "It does great in a collision," I offered in my truck's defence.</p><p>"I don't think a tank could take out that old monster," he agreed with another laugh.</p><p>"So you build cars?" I asked, impressed, he was a good bit younger than me maybe four or five years.</p><p>"When I have free time and parts. You wouldn't happen to know where I could get my hands on a master cylinder for a 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit?" he added jokingly. He had a pleasant, husky voice.</p><p>"Sorry," I laughed, "I haven't seen any lately, but I'll keep my eyes open for you." As if I knew what that was. He was very easy to talk with.</p><p>He flashed a brilliant smile, looking at me appreciatively in a way I was familiar with, sexuality was often questioned when someone was sensitive to my aura, I felt like I should apologise. I wasn't the only one who noticed.</p><p>"You know Beau, Jacob?" Lauren asked - in what I imagined was an insolent tone - from across the fire.</p><p>"We've sort of known each other since I was born," he laughed, smiling at me again.</p><p>"How nice." She didn't sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.</p><p>"Beau," she called again, watching my face carefully, "I was just saying to Tyler that it was too bad none of the Cullen's could come out today. Didn't anyone think to invite them?" Her expression of concern was unconvincing.</p><p>I wanted to smile amused at her antics. It seemed that ever since I rejected her she has drawn her own conclusion like many others about my sexuality if I rejected her it was obvious that I found all women unattractive, I wanted to laugh. She was not happy about her conclusion.</p><p>"You mean Dr Carlisle Cullen's family?" the tall, older boy asked before I could respond, much to Lauren's irritation. He was really closer to a man than a boy, and his voice was very deep.</p><p>"Yes, do you know them?" she asked condescendingly, turning halfway toward him.</p><p>"The Cullen's don't come here," he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question.</p><p>Tyler, trying to win back her attention, asked Lauren's opinion on a CD he held. She was distracted.</p><p>I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He'd said that the Cullen's didn't come here, but his tone had implied something more - that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.</p><p>His aura was.... No.. nope. I don't care it was probably the power of their ancestors or something. I did not need any more drama. I could see his ancestor's spirits where he was looking I tried to distract myself from wondering if he saw them too, they were speaking amongst themselves, about the "cold ones" I strained to listen but they moved away, I did not want to follow.</p><p>Jacob interrupted my meditation. "So is Forks driving you insane yet?"</p><p>"Oh, I'd say that's an understatement." I grimaced. He grinned understandingly.</p><p>I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullen's, and I had a sudden inspiration. It was a stupid plan, but I didn't have any better ideas. I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced in the world of attraction, I felt guilty doing this, but I needed to know, I had to know. It wasn't that difficult just had to ignore the feeling of feeling like a creep. This was my "power" if Edward Cullen could use his mind-reading invading people's privacy, why couldn't I do this?</p><p>"Do you want to walk down the beach with me?" I asked smiling at him encouragingly, not laying too much on despite my inner turmoil I could not do this without feeling guilty, Jacob jumped up willingly enough.</p><p>As we walked north across the multihued stones toward the driftwood seawall, the clouds finally closed ranks across the sky, causing the sea to darken and the temperature to drop. I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket.</p><p>"So you're, what, seventeen?" I asked, trying to keep it upbeat, casual, wanting to avoid leading him on too much.</p><p>"I just turned sixteen," he confessed, flattered.</p><p>"Really?" My face was full of false surprise. "I would have thought you were older." He did look older.</p><p>"I'm tall for my age," he explained, looking down on me grinning in a teasing way.</p><p>"Do you come up to Forks much?" I asked conversationally, snorting at his silent short comment.</p><p>"Not too much," he admitted with a frown. "But when I get my car finished I can go up as much as I want - after I get my license," he amended.</p><p>"Who was that other boy Lauren was talking to? He seemed a little old to be hanging out with us." I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters, trying to make it clear that I preferred Jacob.</p><p>"That's Sam - he's nineteen," he informed me, still younger than me.</p><p>"What was that he was saying about the doctor's family?" I asked innocently.</p><p>"The Cullen's? Oh, they're not supposed to come onto the reservation." He looked away, out toward James Island, as he confirmed what I'd thought I'd heard in Sam's voice, his aura was spinning with awkwardness, it only made me more curious</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>He glanced back at me, biting his lip. "Oops. I'm not supposed to say anything about that."</p><p>"Oh, I won't tell anyone, I'm just curious." I smiled alluring, trying to do as much without using my powers, feeling guilty as fuck.</p><p>He smiled back, though, looking allured. Then he lifted one eyebrow and his voice was even huskier than before, his aura nervous yet attracted.</p><p>"Do you like scary stories?" he asked ominously.</p><p>"I love them," I enthused.</p><p>Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider. He perched lightly on one of the twisted roots while I sat beneath him on the body of the tree. He stared down at the rocks, a smile hovering around the edges of his broad lips. I could see he was going to try to make this good. I focused on keeping the vital interest I felt out of my eyes.</p><p>"Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from - the Quileute's, I mean?" he began.</p><p>"Not really," I admitted.</p><p>"Well, there are lots of legends, some of them claiming to date back to the Flood - supposedly, the ancient Quileute's tied their canoes to the tops of the tallest trees on the mountain to survive like Noah and the ark." He smiled, to show me how little stock he put in the histories. "Another legend claims that we descended from wolves - and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."</p><p>Werewolves. That's what I could- NOPE NOPE not with a ten-foot pole. One supernatural creature at a time, please.</p><p>"Then there are the stories about the cold ones." His voice dropped a little lower.</p><p>"The cold ones?" I asked, not faking my intrigue now.</p><p>"Yes. There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends, and some much more recent. According to legend, my own great-grandfather knew some of them. He was the one who made the treaty that kept them off our land." He rolled his eyes.</p><p>"Your great-grandfather?" I encouraged.</p><p>"He was a tribal elder, like my father. You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf-well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves."</p><p>"Werewolves have enemies?" Of course, they do. A tale as old as time. Vampires vs Werewolves. Of course. Of fucking course.</p><p>"Only one."</p><p>Fucking Vampires.</p><p>"So you see," Jacob continued, "the cold ones are traditionally our enemies. But this pack that came to our territory during my great-grandfather's time was different. They didn't hunt the way others of their kind did - they weren't supposed to be dangerous to the tribe. So my great-grandfather made a truce with them. If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." He winked at me.</p><p>"If they weren't dangerous, then why... ?" I tried to understand, struggling not to let him see how seriously I was considering his ghost story.</p><p>"There's always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they're civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to resist." He deliberately worked a thick edge of menace into his tone.</p><p>"What do you mean, 'civilized'?"</p><p>"They claimed that they didn't hunt humans. They supposedly were somehow able to prey on animals instead."</p><p>I tried to keep my voice casual, that made sense, how they could act normal, how their eyes were different. "So how does it fit in with the Cullen's? Are they like the cold ones your great grandfather met?"</p><p>"No." He paused dramatically. "They are the same ones."</p><p>He must have thought the expression on my face was fear inspired by his story, Holey shit. He smiled, pleased, and continued.</p><p>"There are more of them now, a new female and a new male, but the rest are the same. In my great-grandfather's time, they already knew of the leader, Carlisle. He'd been here and gone before your people had even arrived." He was fighting a smile.</p><p>"And what are they?" I finally asked, going along with his story while I was actually thinking holey shit Edward is old. "What are the cold ones?"</p><p>He smiled darkly.</p><p>"Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."</p><p>I stared out at the rough surf after he answered, not sure what my face was exposing, all of my thoughts confirmed.</p><p>"You have goose bumps," he laughed delightedly.</p><p>"You're a good storyteller," I complimented him, still staring into the waves.</p><p>"Pretty crazy stuff, though, isn't it? No wonder my dad doesn't want us to talk about it to anyone."</p><p>I couldn't control my expression enough to look at him yet. "Don't worry, I won't give you away."</p><p>"I guess I just violated the treaty," he laughed, I winced feeling guilty. I could feel an ancestor of his watching us from, closer to the shore. His aura was not disapproval, simply acceptance for what I didn't want to know. And patience, I did not want to look deeper into that.</p><p>"I'll take it to the grave," I promised, and then I shivered.</p><p>"Seriously, though, don't say anything to Charlie. He was pretty mad at my dad when he heard that some of us weren't going to the hospital since Dr. Cullen started working there."</p><p>"I won't, of course not."</p><p>"So do you think we're a bunch of superstitious natives or what?" he asked in a playful tone, but with a hint of worry. I still hadn't looked away from the ocean.</p><p>I turned and smiled at him as normally as I could.</p><p>"No. I think you're very good at telling scary stories, though. I still have goose bumps, see?" I held up my arm. "My grandmother was really superstitious as well, I could tell you a few sometime" I genuinely liked this boy, his aura was so open and light.</p><p>"Cool." He smiled.</p><p>And then the sound of the beach rocks clattering against each other warned us that someone was approaching. Our heads snapped up at the same time to see Mike and Jessica about fifty yards away, walking toward us.</p><p>"There you are, Beau," Mike called in relief, waving his arm over his head, I tried not to grimace.</p><p>"Is that your boyfriend?" Jacob asked, alerted by the jealous edge in Mike's voice, again, sexuality assumptions. I was surprised it was so obvious to him.</p><p>"No, definitely not," I whispered. I was tremendously grateful to Jacob and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting. It felt so natural, I was oddly comfortable. </p><p>"So when I get my license..." he began.</p><p>"You should come to see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime." I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily and wanted to be friends with.</p><p>Mike had reached us now, with Jessica still a few paces back. I could see his eyes appraising Jacob and looking satisfied at his obvious youth.</p><p>"Where have you been?" he asked, though the answer was right in front of him.</p><p>"Jacob was just telling me some local stories," I volunteered. "It was really interesting."</p><p>I smiled at Jacob warmly, and he grinned back.</p><p>"Well," Mike paused, carefully reassessing the situation as he watched our camaraderie. "We're packing up - it looks like it's going to rain soon."</p><p>We all looked up at the glowering sky. It certainly did look like rain.</p><p>"Okay." I jumped up. "I'm coming." Though I was curious to see how beautiful the beach would look in the rain.</p><p>"It was nice to see you again," Jacob said, and I could tell he was taunting Mike just a bit.</p><p>"It really was. Next time Charlie comes down to see Billy, I'll come, too," I promised.</p><p>His grin stretched across his face. "That would be cool."</p><p>"And thanks," I added earnestly.</p><p>I pulled up my hood as we tramped across the rocks toward the parking lot. A few drops were beginning to fall, making black spots on the stones where they landed. When we got to the Suburban the others were already loading everything back in. I crawled into the backseat by Angela and Tyler, announcing that I'd already had my turn in the shotgun position. Angela just stared out the window at the escalating storm, and Lauren twisted around in the middle seat to occupy Tyler's attention, so I could simply lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes and try very hard not to think.</p><p>As we were crossing back into forks I could see a man standing watching me as we drove by, he was native American, looked to be in his twenties wearing traditional clothing. A spirit, his gaze was intense, like he knew me or expected of me. I closed my eyes too overwhelmed and tried to focus on my breathing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke, for the second time since arriving in Forks, to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. I skipped to the window, stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in the sky, and those there were just fleecy little white puffs that couldn't possibly be carrying any rain. I opened the window - surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years - and sucked in the relatively dry air. It was nearly warm and hardly windy at all. My blood was electric in my veins.</p><p>Charlie was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and he picked up on my mood immediately.</p><p>"Nice day out," he commented.</p><p>"Yes," I agreed with a grin.</p><p>He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When Charlie smiled, it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped too quickly into an early marriage, I could see the man who had run away with Renae when she was just two years younger than I was now.</p><p>I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window. Even Charlie was in a good mood, I wondered if I was projecting but he didn't seem to mind so neither did I. He even played along gracefully with Danielle's antics when she was waiting at her usual spot for us with much less clothing than usual. And both of their reactions was again, Fucking hilarious.</p><p>To say that therapy session was eventful was the understatement of the century. After I verbal vomited what I finally realised over the weekend, Danielle was looking at me with a duh face and demanded to know why I did not realise sooner.</p><p>"Em....I don't know. I guess I didn't really want to know." I shrugged uncomfortably.</p><p>"Why not?" no beating around the bush here.</p><p>"I have enough shit to worry about and this adds more shit on that shit and I may or may not have watched too much anime and guessed that he knew what I was and wanted to sacrifice or kill me for the greater good of humanity"</p><p>The laughter after my statement made me blush.</p><p>What?! There are hunters in this world of the supernatural! There has to be!</p><p>"He?" she got out when she finally calmed down. "Why just 'he' why not them?"</p><p>"I've only really been around him. He's in my biology class" oh no.</p><p>"He who is....?"</p><p>"Edward Cullen" I blurted.</p><p>"Oh, the only single one" she teased with a wiggle of her eyebrow which then turned serious when she noticed my whole pale ass face turning a serious shade of red.</p><p>"Beau....?" She dragged out excitement building inside of her.</p><p>"Imayormaynotwanttoeathimandmayormaynothavebeenveryclosetodoingsoonseveraloccasions"</p><p>"English please BEAU HURRY IT UP" she squirmed excitedly.</p><p>"I may or may not want to eat him and may or may not have been very close to doing so on several occasions"</p><p>"Holy fuck. And you didn't think to mention this before?"</p><p>I flinched "Well...I'm still trying to get my head around it. Being around him hurts so much but he's started to be so nice to me and I just realised that he thinks that I am human, andIkindoflikehim and now I have to tell him that I'm not a fragile human, that instead, I'm some pervy sex demon, that can't have real-life sex without KILLING SOMEONE!"</p><p>"Beau" Danielle calls me out of my panic attack with a look that I now know some well.</p><p>I roll my eyes "I'm not some pervy sex demon. I'm JuSt MiSuNdErStOoD"</p><p>"Beau!"</p><p>"I'm just Beau, who likes sexual encounters, but wouldn't actually know since-"</p><p>"BEAU"</p><p>"I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT INCUBUS WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN"</p><p>"BEAU!"</p><p>"I CANNNNNNN'TTTTTTT" I wine in anguish.</p><p>"Come on"</p><p>"Any man can drive in a straight line; it takes a real man to handle these curves"</p><p>She snorted a laugh at that one but stayed serious waiting for me to torture myself with her affirmations.</p><p>When it was apparent that I was not going to say anything, she spoke with authority "I Love and accept myself"</p><p>"I love and accept myself" copying her looking at the floor my heart hammering in my chest.</p><p>"I am worthy of all things wonderful"</p><p>"I am worthy of all things wonderful" My breath was coming out faster.</p><p>"I forgive myself for my past mistakes and I forgive others who hurt me"</p><p>"I for-" I jumped up "would you look at the time. Time to go, too bad so sad. SEE YAH LATER" I shouted heart hammering and ran from the room down the stairs to the cruiser, Charlie jumped switching some pop song to a country song guiltily and I didn't even have the energy to tease him about it or sing along. I think he sensed that I didn't want to talk, and we drove in silence back to the house so I could get my truck.</p><p>I got into my truck, relieved for the privacy, I was able to get both windows in the truck almost completely rolled down. I was late to school; I hadn't even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside. I parked and headed toward the seldom-used picnic benches on the south side of the cafeteria, to wait for lunch instead of showing up late to class. The benches were still a little damp, so I sat on my jacket, glad to have a use for it. My homework was done - the product of a slow social life - but there were a few Trig problems I wasn't sure I had right. I took out my book industriously, but halfway through rechecking the first problem I was daydreaming, watching the sunlight play on the red-barked trees. I sketched inattentively along the margins of my homework. After a few minutes, I suddenly realized I'd drawn a pair of dark eyes staring out of the page at me. I scrubbed them out with the eraser.</p><p>"Beau!" I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike.</p><p>I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there, absentminded. it was break already.</p><p> Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty. Mike was coming toward me in khaki shorts and a striped Rugby shirt, waving.</p><p>"Hey, Mike," I called, waving back, unable to be half-hearted on a morning like this.</p><p>He came to sit by me, the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the light, his grin stretching across his face. He was so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.</p><p>"Your hair is so shiny," he commented, catching a stray lock between his fingers, a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze.</p><p>I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.</p><p>"Great day, isn't it?"</p><p>"Beautiful," I agreed.</p><p>"What did you do yesterday?" His tone was just a bit too proprietary.</p><p>"I mostly worked on my essay." I didn't add that I was finished with it - no need to sound smug.</p><p>He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Oh yeah - that's due Thursday, right?"</p><p>"Um, Wednesday, I think."</p><p>"Wednesday?" He frowned. "That's not good... What are you writing yours on?"</p><p>"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."</p><p>He stared at me like I'd just spoken in pig Latin.</p><p>"I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight," he said, deflated. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out."</p><p>"Oh." I was taken off guard. Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?</p><p>"Well, we could go to dinner or something... and I could work on it later. Just you know... between us." He smiled at me hopefully.</p><p>"Mike..." I hated being put on the spot. "I don't think that would be the best idea."</p><p>His face fell. "Why?" he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered to Edward, wondering if that's where his thoughts were as well, I shook my head. Either or neither was a good idea.</p><p>"I think... and if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death," I threatened, "but I think that would hurt Jessica's feelings."</p><p>He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all. "Jessica?"</p><p>"Really, Mike, are you blind?"</p><p>"Oh," he exhaled - clearly dazed. I took advantage of that to make my escape.</p><p>"It's time for class, and I can't be late again." I gathered my books up and stuffed them in my bag.</p><p>We walked in silence to building three, and his expression was distracted. I hoped whatever thoughts he was immersed in were leading him in the right direction.</p><p>When I saw Jessica in Trig, she was bubbling with enthusiasm. She, Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I didn't wear dresses, and I wasn't going to the dance. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town with some friends, even if they were all girls that assumed my sexuality and were looking for what I was guessing of a typical gay friend to go shopping with but I appreciated the effort, but Lauren would be there. And who knew what I could be doing tonight... But that was definitely the wrong path to let my mind wander down. Of course I was happy about the sunlight. But that wasn't completely responsible for the euphoric mood I was in, not even close.</p><p>So I gave her a maybe, telling her I'd have to talk with Charlie first.</p><p>She talked of nothing but the dance on the way to Spanish, continuing as if without an interruption when class finally ended, five minutes late, and we were on our way to lunch. I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said. I was painfully eager to see not just him but all the Cullen's - to compare them with the new suspicions that plagued my mind. As I crossed the threshold of the cafeteria, I felt the first true tingle of fear slither down my spine and settle in my stomach. Would they be able to know what I was thinking? And then a different feeling jolted through me - would Edward be waiting to sit with me again?</p><p>As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullen's table. A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled - Spanish had made us late - but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation hit me with crippling strength, that I tried to shake off. Stupid.</p><p>I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.</p><p>We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I avoided the empty chair next to Mike in favour of one by Angela. I vaguely noticed that Mike held the chair out politely for Jessica and that her face lit up in response. Thank fucking god.</p><p>Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while stupidly spiralling downward in misery, my mood swings were honestly embarrassing at this stage. She, too, invited me to go with them tonight, and I agreed now, grasping at anything to distract myself.</p><p>I realized I'd been holding on to a last shred of hope when I entered Biology, saw his empty seat, and felt a new wave of disappointment.</p><p>The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court. The best part was the coach didn't finish, so I got another day off tomorrow. Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.</p><p>I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company. But right after I walked in the door of Charlie's house, Jessica called to cancel our plans. I tried to be happy that Mike had asked her out to dinner - I really was relieved that he finally seemed to be catching on - but my enthusiasm sounded false in my own ears. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow night.</p><p>Which left me with little in the way of distractions. I had fish marinating for dinner, with a salad and bread left over from the night before, so there was nothing to do there. I spent a focused half hour on homework, but then I was through with that, too. I checked my e-mail, reading one in particular from Danielle.</p><p>Beau,</p><p>Sorry if I was too pushy today. I have a hunch that you are not feeling too well. Look in your bag.</p><p>Danielle.</p><p>Curiously, I looked in my bag and pulled out a book Inner Alchemy. It had a note on the inside of it. Maybe this can help you with control and understanding yourself.</p><p>I went outside bringing a quilt from my bed to lie on and began to read.</p><p>I was brought out of my own head by the sound of the cruiser.</p><p>I jumped up, foolishly edgy, gathering the now-damp quilt and my book. I ran inside to get some oil heating on the stove, realizing that dinner would be late. Charlie was hanging up his gun belt and stepping out of his boots when I came in.</p><p>"Sorry, Dad, dinner's not ready yet - I got distracted outside." </p><p>"Don't worry about it," he said. "I wanted to catch the score on the game, anyway."</p><p>I watched TV with Dad after dinner, for something to do. There wasn't anything on I wanted to watch, but he knew I didn't like baseball, so he turned it to some mindless sitcom that neither of us enjoyed. He seemed happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy, I know he was itching to ask something about earlier but thankfully he refrained.</p><p>"Dad," I said during a commercial, "Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they wanted me to help them choose for some reason... do you mind if I go with them?"</p><p>"Jessica Stanley?" he asked.</p><p>"And Angela Weber." I sighed as I gave him the details.</p><p>He was confused. "But you're not going to the dance, right?"</p><p>"No, Dad, but I'm helping them find dresses - you know, giving them constructive criticism, I guess." I think.</p><p>"Well, okay." He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth but smirked at me knowing I was just as confused as he was.</p><p>"We'll leave right after school, so we can get back early. You'll be okay for dinner, right?"</p><p>"Beau, I fed myself for twenty-one years before you got here," he reminded me.</p><p>"I don't know how you survived," I muttered, then added more clearly, "I'll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay? Right on top."</p><p>It was sunny again in the morning. I awakened with renewed hope that I grimly tried to suppress. I dressed for the warmer weather in a deep blue V-neck blouse - something I'd worn in the dead of winter in Phoenix.</p><p>I had planned my arrival at school so that I barely had time to make it to class. With a sinking heart, I circled the full lot looking for a space, while also searching for the silver Volvo that was clearly not there. I parked in the last row and hurried to English, arriving breathless, but subdued, before the final bell.</p><p>It was the same as yesterday - I just couldn't keep little sprouts of hope from budding in my mind, only to have them squashed painfully as I searched the lunchroom in vain and sat at my empty Biology table.</p><p>The Port Angeles scheme was back on again for tonight and made all the more attractive by the fact that Lauren had other obligations. I was anxious to get out of town so I could stop glancing over my shoulder, hoping to see him appearing out of the blue the way he always did. I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting. Maybe I could do a little clothes shopping as well. I refused to think that I might be shopping alone in Seattle this weekend, no longer interested in the earlier arrangement. Surely, he wouldn't cancel without at least telling me.</p><p>After school, Jessica followed me home in her old white Mercury so that I could ditch my books and truck. I brushed through my hair quickly when I was inside tying it up in a messy ponytail instead of a bun, feeling a slight lift of excitement as I contemplated getting away for a while. I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner, and ran out to join Jessica. We went to Angela's house next, and she was waiting for us. My excitement increased exponentially as we actually drove out of the town limits.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jess drove faster than the Chief, so we made it to Port Angeles by four. It had been a while since I'd been around so many girls, and the estrogen rush was surprisingly comforting, at least I didn't have to deal with Mikes constant fantasies. We listened to whiny rock songs while Jessica jabbered on about the boys we hung out with. Jessica's dinner with Mike had gone very well, and she was hoping that by Saturday night they would have progressed to the first-kiss stage. I smiled to myself, pleased.</p><p>I wondered if why I was so accepted by girls was because of my apparent obvious sexuality or my repressed gender identity. I never thought about it much, I was just simply raised male but the bleeding once a month was hard to ignore.</p><p>Angela was passively happy to be going to the dance, but not really interested in Eric. Jess tried to get her to confess who her type was, but I interrupted with a question about dresses after a bit, to spare her. Angela threw a grateful glance my way. I could sense that she had eyes for someone else but she saw it as helpless, that the boy she liked would never look her way. I pondered this. This is what normal people thought like. Then I guess I wasn't far from thinking like Angela after all except my....crush (possible concerning obsession) .... just a little less sociably awkward and a little more trying not to nom nom-ey.</p><p>Port Angeles was a beautiful little tourist trap, much more polished and quaint than Forks. But Jessica and Angela knew it well, so they didn't plan to waste time on the picturesque boardwalk by the bay. Jess drove straight to the one big department store in town, which was a few streets in from the bay area's visitor-friendly face.</p><p>The dance was billed as semiformal, and we weren't exactly sure what that meant. Both Jessica and Angela seemed surprised and almost disbelieving when I told them I'd never been to a dance in Phoenix.</p><p>"Didn't you ever go with a bo-girlfriend or something?" Jess asked dubiously again assuming, as we walked through the front doors of the store.</p><p>"Really," I tried to convince her, not wanting to confess the fact that I've never even been to high school before this. "I've never been in a relationship or anything close. I didn't go out much." I was trapped in a nuthouse. </p><p>"Why not?" Jessica demanded.</p><p>"No one asked me," I answered honestly, they didn't really have a fucking chance.</p><p>She looked sceptical. "People ask you out here," she reminded me, "and you tell them no." We were in the juniors' section now, scanning the racks for dress-up clothes.</p><p>"Well, except for Tyler," Angela amended quietly.</p><p>"Excuse me?" I gasped. "What did you say?"</p><p>"Tyler told everyone he's taking you to prom," Jessica informed me with suspicious eyes.</p><p>"He said what?" I sounded like I was choking.</p><p>"I told you it wasn't true," Angela murmured to Jessica.</p><p>I was silent, still lost in shock that was quickly turning to irritation. But we had found the dress racks, and now we had work to do.</p><p>"That's why Lauren doesn't like you," Jessica giggled while we pawed through the clothes. "Well that and you rejecting her"</p><p>I ground my teeth. "Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck, he would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on making amends and call it even?"</p><p>"Maybe," Jess snickered. '"If that's why he's doing this."</p><p>The dress selection wasn't large, but both of them found a few things to try on. I sat on a low chair just inside the dressing room which I was surprisingly let in to, by the three-way mirror, trying to control my fuming.</p><p>Jess was torn between two - one a long, strapless, basic black number, the other a knee-length electric blue with spaghetti straps. I encouraged her to go with the blue; why not play up the eyes? Angela chose a pale pink dress that draped around her tall frame nicely and brought out honey tints in her light brown hair. I complimented them both generously and helped by returning the rejects to their racks. The whole process was much shorter and easier than similar trips I'd taken with Renae at home when I was younger. I guess there was something to be said for limited choices.</p><p>We headed over to shoes and accessories. While they tried things on I merely watched and critiqued, not in the mood to shop for myself, though I did need new shoes. The girls'-night high was wearing off in the wake of my annoyance at Tyler, leaving room for the gloom to move back in.</p><p>"Angela?" I began, hesitant, while she was trying on a pair of pink strappy heels - she was overjoyed to have a date tall enough that she could wear high heels at all.</p><p>Jessica had drifted to the jewellery counter and we were alone.</p><p>"Yes?" She held her leg out, twisting her ankle to get a better view of the shoe.</p><p>I chickened out. "I like those."</p><p>"I think I'll get them - though they'll never match anything but the one dress," she mused.</p><p>"Oh, go ahead - they're on sale," I encouraged. She smiled, putting the lid back on a box that contained more practical-looking off-white shoes.</p><p>I tried again. "Um, Angela..." She looked up curiously.</p><p>"Is it normal for the... Cullen's" - I kept my eyes on the shoes - "to be out of school a lot?" I failed miserably in my attempt to sound nonchalant. </p><p>"Yes, when the weather is good, they go backpacking all the time - even the doctor. They're all real outdoorsy," she told me quietly, examining her shoes, too. She didn't ask one question, let alone the hundreds that Jessica would have unleashed. I was beginning to really like Angela.</p><p>"Oh." I let the subject drop trying not to think of films I watched, bodies turning to dust in the sunlight, as Jessica returned to show us the rhinestone jewellery, she'd found to match her silver shoes.</p><p>We planned to go to dinner at a little Italian restaurant on the boardwalk, but the dress shopping hadn't taken as long as we'd expected. Jess and Angela were going to take their clothes back to the car and then walk down to the bay. I told them I would meet them at the restaurant in an hour - I wanted to look for a bookstore. They were both willing to come with me, but I encouraged them to go have fun - they didn't know how preoccupied I could get when surrounded by books; it was something I preferred to do alone. They walked off to the car chattering happily, and I headed in the direction Jess pointed out, happy for some time alone to let my thoughts wander.</p><p>I had no trouble finding the bookstore, but it wasn't what I was looking for, it was better. The windows were full of crystals, dream-catchers, and books about spiritual healing. Through the glass, I could see a fifty-year-old woman with long, grey hair worn straight down her back, clad in a dress right out of the sixties, smiling welcomingly from behind the counter. I walked in smiling at the screen chime of a windchime at the door. She seemed to know that I knew what I was looking for and left me to it. I walked out with a bag full of books about chakra balancing, energy work and way more candles and crystals than I had intended to purchase. One hundred per cent worth it though.</p><p>I meandered through the streets, which were filling up with end-of-the-workday traffic, and hoped I was headed toward downtown. I wasn't paying as much attention as I should to where I was going; I was wrestling with despair. I was trying so hard not to think about him, and what Angela had said... and more than anything trying to beat down my hopes for Saturday, fearing a disappointment more painful than the rest and feeling so stupid about even thinking this way, when I looked up to see someone's silver Volvo parked along the street and it all came crashing down on me. Stupid, unreliable vampire, I thought to myself.</p><p>I stomped along in a southerly direction, toward some glass-fronted shops that looked promising. But when I got to them, they were just a repair shop and a vacant space. I still had too much time to go looking for Jess and Angela yet, and I definitely needed to get my mood in hand before I met back up with them. I ran my fingers through my hair a couple of times and took some deep breaths before I continued around the corner.</p><p>I started to realize, as I crossed another road, that I was going the wrong direction. The little foot traffic I had seen was going north, and it looked like the buildings here were mostly warehouses. I decided to turn east at the next corner, and then loop around after a few blocks and try my luck on a different street on my way back to the boardwalk.</p><p>A group of four men turned around the corner I was heading for, dressed too casually to be heading home from the office, but they were too grimy to be tourists. As they approached me, I realized they weren't too many years older than I was, the youngest in his twenties and oldest in his forties. They were joking loudly among themselves, laughing raucously and punching each other's arms. I scooted as far to the inside of the sidewalk as I could to give them room, walking swiftly, looking past them to the corner.</p><p>But I knew better, the malicious energy and excitement was licking around my body like flames. Tried not to panic and began to walk faster.</p><p>"Hey, there!" one of them called as they passed, and he had to be talking to me since no one else was around. I glanced up automatically. Two of them had paused, the other two were slowing. The closest, a heavyset, dark-haired man in his forties, seemed to be the one who had spoken. He was wearing a flannel shirt open over a dirty t-shirt, cut-off jeans, and sandals. He took half a step toward me.</p><p>"Hello," I mumbled, a knee-jerk reaction. Then I quickly looked away and walked faster toward the corner. I could hear them laughing at full volume behind me. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.</p><p>My hands began to shake.</p><p>"Hey, wait!" one of them called after me again, but I kept my head down and rounded the corner with a sigh of relief. I could still hear them chortling behind me.</p><p>I found myself on a sidewalk leading past the backs of several sombre-coloured warehouses, each with large bay doors for unloading trucks, padlocked for the night. The south side of the street had no sidewalk, only a chain-link fence topped with barbed wire protecting some kind of engine parts storage yard. I'd wandered far past the part of Port Angeles that I, as a guest, was intended to see. It was getting dark, I realized, the clouds finally returning, piling up on the western horizon, creating an early sunset. The eastern sky was still clear, but greying shot through with streaks of pink and orange. I'd left my jacket in the car, and a sudden shiver made me cross my arms tightly across my chest. A single van passed me, and then the road was empty.</p><p>The sky suddenly darkened further, and, as I looked over my shoulder to glare at the offending cloud, I realized with a shock that two men were walking quietly about twenty feet behind me.</p><p>Far enough that their energy was dull to me but now that I noticed it, It was all I could notice.</p><p>They were from the same group I'd passed at the corner, though neither was the older one who'd spoken to me. I turned my head forward at once, quickening my pace. A chill that had nothing to do with the weather made me shiver again.</p><p>I listened intently to their quiet footsteps trying to walk faster and ignore their burning flames, which were much too quiet when compared to the boisterous noise they'd been making earlier, and it didn't sound like they were speeding up, or getting any closer to me. Breathe, I had to remind myself. I continued to walk as quickly as I could without actually running, focusing on the right-hand turn that was only a few yards away from me now. I could hear them, staying as far back as they'd been before. A blue car turned onto the street from the south and drove quickly past me. I thought of jumping out in front of it, but I hesitated, and then it was too late.</p><p>I reached the corner, but a swift glance revealed that it was only a blind drive to the back of another building. I was half-turned in anticipation; I had to hurriedly correct and dash across the narrow drive, back to the sidewalk. The street ended at the next corner, where there was a stop sign. I concentrated on the faint footsteps behind me, deciding whether or not to run. They sounded farther back, though, and I knew they could outrun me in any case. I was sure to trip and go sprawling if I tried to go any faster. I couldn't let them touch me. The footfalls were definitely farther back. I risked a quick glance over my shoulder, and they were maybe forty feet back now, I saw with relief. But they were both staring at me and had no intentions to stop, their auras were just getting more excited.</p><p>It made me nervous, too afraid to concentrate on what they were planning. I saw two cars going north pass the intersection I was heading for, and I exhaled in relief. There would be more people around once I got off this deserted street. I skipped around the corner with a grateful sigh.</p><p>And skidded to a stop.</p><p>The street was lined on both sides by blank, doorless, windowless walls. I could see in the distance, two intersections down, streetlamps, cars, and more pedestrians, but they were all too far away. Because lounging against the western building, midway down the street, were the other two men from the group, both watching with excited smiles as I froze dead on the sidewalk. I realized then that I wasn't being followed.</p><p>I was being herded.</p><p>I paused for only a second, but it felt like a very long time. I turned then and darted to the other side of the road. I had a sinking feeling that it was a wasted attempt. The footsteps behind me were louder now.</p><p>"There you are!" The booming voice of the stocky, fair-haired man shattered the intense quiet and made me jump. In the gathering darkness, it seemed like he was looking past me. But his aura was concentrated on only me, his lust and excitement of the hunt thick and suffocating in the air.</p><p>"Yeah," a voice called loudly from behind me, making me jump again as I tried to hurry down the street. "We just took a little detour." Why was this happening to me?</p><p>My steps had to slow now. I was closing the distance between myself and the lounging pair too quickly. I had a good loud scream, and I sucked in air, preparing to use it, but my throat was so dry I wasn't sure how much volume I could manage.</p><p>The thickset man shrugged away from the wall as I warily came to a stop, and walked slowly into the street.</p><p>"Stay away from me," I warned in a voice that was supposed to sound strong and fearless. But I was right about the dry throat - no volume.</p><p>"Don't be like that, sugar," he called, and the disorderly laughter started again behind me.</p><p>I braced myself, feet apart, trying to remember through my panic what little self-defence I knew. The heel of the hand thrust upward, hopefully breaking the nose or shoving it into the brain. I thought back to those energy books that I read, ready to push the energy through my body. I could fight now, this was not the realm of dreams, this was real life, this was my life. My new beginning. I could shove my finger through their eye socket - try to hook around and pop the eye out. And the standard knee to the groin, of course. That same pessimistic voice in my mind spoke up then, reminding me that I probably wouldn't have a chance against one of them, and there were four. Shut up! I commanded the voice before terror could incapacitate me. I wasn't going out without taking someone with me. I tried to summon my energy to will them to want to walk away, to want to go home or fuck it even pass out asleep. But I was shaking too bad, the familiar feeling of this situation brought tears to my eyes, my breath was coming out in a panic. I needed to get out, stay strong. I tried to swallow so I could build up a decent scream.</p><p>Their auras were suffocating, licking like flames around my body, tempting but disgusting. I could feel my hunger begin to rare its ugly head but I was terrified. Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I breathe? Why couldn't I fucking protect myself?!</p><p>Headlights suddenly flew around the corner, the car almost hitting the stocky one, forcing him to jump back toward the sidewalk. I dove into the road - this car was going to stop, or have to hit me. But the silver car unexpectedly fishtailed around, skidding to a stop with the passenger door open just a few feet from me.</p><p>"Get in," a furious voice commanded.</p><p>It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me - even before I was off the street - as soon as I heard his voice. I jumped into the seat, slamming the door shut behind me.</p><p>It was dark in the car, no light had come on with the opening of the door, and I could barely see his face in the glow from the dashboard. The tires squealed as he spun around to face north, accelerating too quickly, swerving toward the stunned men on the street. I caught a glimpse of them diving for the sidewalk as we straightened out and sped toward the harbour.</p><p>"Put on your seat belt," he commanded, and I realized I was clutching the seat with both hands. I quickly obeyed; the snap as the belt connected was loud in the darkness. He took a sharp left, racing forward, blowing through several stop signs without a pause.</p><p>I was in shocked awe. I decided at this moment that even if Edward went back to ignoring my existence, I would always do whatever was in my power to protect this man. The first person to ever save me from what came with the terrors of being what I was. I would make sure that he would be saved also, that I would return the favour. I would forever be in death to this man.</p><p>But I felt utterly safe and, for the moment, totally unconcerned about where we were going. I stared at his face in profound relief, relief that went beyond my sudden deliverance. I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.</p><p>"Are you okay?" I asked, surprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.</p><p>"No," he said curtly, and his tone was livid, it was then I became aware of the murderous intent in his aura.</p><p>I sat in silence, watching his face while his blazing eyes stared straight ahead until the car came to a sudden stop. I glanced around, but it was too dark to see anything besides the vague outline of dark trees crowding the roadside. We weren't in town anymore.</p><p>"Beau?" he asked, his voice tight, controlled.</p><p>"Yes?" My voice was still rough. I tried to clear my throat quietly.</p><p>"Are you all right?" He still didn't look at me, but the fury was plain on his face.</p><p>"Yes," I croaked softly, I've never felt better. He Saved me. ME!</p><p>"Distract me, please," he ordered.</p><p>"I'm sorry, what?"</p><p>He exhaled sharply.</p><p>"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he clarified, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. I could do that. I understood.</p><p>"Um." I wracked my brain for something trivial. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?"</p><p>He was still squeezing his eyes closed, but the corner of his mouth twitched.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom - either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last... well, you remember it, and he thinks prom is somehow the correct way to do this. So, I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends. I don't need enemies and maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone. I might have to total his Sentra, though. If he doesn't have a ride, he can't take anyone to prom..." I babbled on.</p><p>"I heard about that." He sounded a bit more composed.</p><p>"You did?" I asked in disbelief, my previous irritation flaring. "If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom, either" I muttered, refining my plan.</p><p>Edward sighed, and finally opened his eyes.</p><p>"Better?"</p><p>"Not really."</p><p>I waited, but he didn't speak again. He leaned his head back against the seat, staring at the ceiling of the car. His face was rigid. I couldn't understand. Did he want to kill me? Was my blood tempting to him, should I get out of the car. My hunger wanted him just as bad as always, but my gratefulness was overpowering. </p><p>"What's wrong?" My voice came out in a whisper.</p><p>"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Beau." He was whispering, too, and as he stared out the window, his eyes narrowed into slits. "But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those..." He didn't finish his sentence, looking away, struggling for a moment to control his anger again. "At least," he continued, "that's what I'm trying to convince myself."</p><p>"Oh." The word seemed inadequate, but I couldn't think of a better response.</p><p>I had no words to explain the depth of the feelings that washed over me. He was angry at them. For wanting to hurt me. He was genuinely this angry .... at them. It reminded me of Dad's reaction to mom. I struggled to accept these feelings that wrapped around my throat like a vice.</p><p>We sat in silence again. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It was past six-thirty.</p><p>"Jessica and Angela will be worried," I murmured. "I was supposed to meet them."</p><p>He started the engine without another word, turning around smoothly and speeding back toward town. We were under the streetlights in no time at all, still going too fast, weaving with ease through the cars slowly cruising the boardwalk. He parallel-parked against the curb in a space I would have thought much too small for the Volvo, but he slid in effortlessly in one try. I looked out the window to see the lights of La Bella Italia, and Jess and Angela just leaving, pacing anxiously away from us.</p><p>"How did you know where... ?" I began, but then I just shook my head. I heard the door open and turned to see him getting out.</p><p>"What are you doing?" I asked.</p><p>"I'm taking you to dinner." He smiled slightly, but his eyes were hard. He stepped out of the car and slammed the door. I fumbled with my seat belt and then hurried to get out of the car as well. He was waiting for me on the sidewalk.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He spoke before I could. "Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too. I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again."</p><p>I shivered at the threat in his voice, of how serious he actually was. I had to admit that I was unnerved by his thoughts of killing those men, it was a familiar feeling like it was something he had done before. But then who was I to judge. </p><p>"Jess! Angela!" I yelled after them, waving when they turned. They rushed back to me, the pronounced relief on both their faces simultaneously changing to surprise as they saw who I was standing next to.</p><p>They hesitated a few feet from us.</p><p>"Where have you been?" Jessica's voice was suspicious.</p><p>"I got lost," I admitted sheepishly. "And then I ran into Edward." I gestured toward him.</p><p>"Would it be all right if I joined you?" he asked in his silken, irresistible voice. I could see from their staggered expressions that he had never unleashed his talents on them before, you would think he was the incubus. At least I made an effort to dial it back yeesh.</p><p>"Er... sure," Jessica breathed.</p><p>"Um, actually, Beau, we already ate while we were waiting — sorry," Angela confessed.</p><p>"That's fine — I'm not hungry." I shrugged, completely lying. But Italian was not really what I was craving.</p><p>"I think you should eat something." Edward's voice was low, but full of authority, he was very sure of himself. He looked up at Jessica and spoke slightly louder. "Do you mind if I drive Beau home tonight? That way you won't have to wait while he eats."</p><p>The looked at me trying to figure if that was what I wanted. I winked at her. I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual saviour.</p><p>There were so many questions that I couldn't bombard him with till we were by ourselves.</p><p>"Okay." Angela was quicker than Jessica. "See you tomorrow, Beau... Edward." She grabbed Jessica's hand and pulled her toward the car, which I could see a little ways away, parked across First Street.</p><p>As they got in, Jess turned and waved, her face eager with curiosity. I waved back, waiting for them to drive away before I turned to face him.</p><p>"Honestly, I'm not hungry," I insisted, looking up to scrutinize his face. His expression was unreadable.</p><p>"Humor me."</p><p>He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion. I walked past him into the restaurant with a resigned sigh.</p><p>The restaurant wasn't crowded — it was the off-season in Port Angeles. The host was female, and I understood the look in her eyes as she assessed Edward. She welcomed him a little more warmly than necessary. I was surprised by how much that bothered me. She was several inches taller than I was and unnaturally blond and female. Was this jealousy? </p><p>"A table for two?" His voice was alluring, whether he was aiming for that or not. I saw her eyes flicker to me and then away, satisfied that I was male, and by the cautious, no-contact space Edward kept between us. She led us to a table big enough for four in the centre of the most crowded area of the dining floor.</p><p>I was about to sit, but Edward shook his head at me.</p><p>"Perhaps something more private?" he insisted quietly to the host. I wasn't sure, but it looked like he smoothly handed her a tip. I'd never seen anyone refuse a table except in old movies. Then again This is maybe the fourth restaurant I was ever at in my life.</p><p>"Sure." She sounded as surprised as I was. She turned and led us around a partition to a small ring of booths — all of them empty. "How's this?"</p><p>"Perfect." He flashed his gleaming smile, dazing her momentarily.</p><p>"Um" — she shook her head, blinking — "your server will be right out." She walked away unsteadily.</p><p>"You really shouldn't do that to people," I criticized. "It's hardly fair."</p><p>"Do what?"</p><p>"Dazzle them like that — she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."</p><p>He seemed confused.</p><p>"Oh, come on," I said dubiously. "You have to know the effect you have on people."</p><p>He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. "I dazzle people?"</p><p>"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?" One would think that he was the incubus. Sure I wore charms and spells to keep that half of me contained but-.</p><p>He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"</p><p>"Frequently," I admitted.</p><p>And then our server arrived, her face expectant. The hostess had definitely dished behind the scenes, and this new girl didn't look disappointed. She flipped a strand of short black hair behind one ear and smiled with unnecessary warmth. The cringe. Was I like this?! Gross!</p><p>"Hello. My name is Amber, and I'll be your server tonight. What can I get you to drink?" I didn't miss that she was speaking only to him.</p><p>He looked at me.</p><p>"I'll have a Coke." It sounded like a question.</p><p>"Two Cokes," he said.</p><p>"I'll be right back with that," she assured him with another unnecessary smile. But he didn't see it. He was watching me.</p><p>"What?" I asked when she left.</p><p>His eyes stayed fixed on my face. "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"I'm fine," I replied, surprised by his intensity.</p><p>"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold... ?"</p><p>"Should I?"</p><p>He chuckled at my puzzled tone.</p><p>"Well, I'm actually waiting for you to go into shock." His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.</p><p>"I don't think that will happen," I said after I could breathe again. "I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things." I've been through way worse. </p><p>"Just the same, I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."</p><p>Right on cue, the waitress appeared with our drinks and a basket of breadsticks. She stood with her back to me as she placed them on the table.</p><p>"Are you ready to order?" she asked Edward.</p><p>"Beau?" he asked. She turned unwillingly toward me.</p><p>I picked the first thing I saw on the menu. "Um... I'll have the mushroom ravioli."</p><p>"And you?" She turned back to him with a smile.</p><p>"Nothing for me," he said. Of course not.</p><p>"Let me know if you change your mind." The coy smile was still in place, but he wasn't looking at her, and she left dissatisfied. </p><p>"Drink," he ordered.</p><p>I sipped at my soda obediently and then drank more deeply, surprised by how thirsty I was. I realized I had finished the whole thing when he pushed his glass toward me. The sugar was helping me even more to stand to be in his presence. </p><p>"Thanks," I muttered, still thirsty. The cold from the icy soda was radiating through my chest, and I shivered.</p><p>"Are you cold?"</p><p>"It's just the Coke," I explained, shivering again.</p><p>"Don't you have a jacket?" His voice was disapproving.</p><p>"Yes." I looked at the empty bench next to me. "Oh — I left it in Jessica's car," I realized.</p><p>Edward was shrugging out of his jacket. I suddenly realized that I had never once noticed what he was wearing — not just tonight, but ever. I just couldn't seem to look away from his face. I made myself look now, focusing. He was removing a light beige leather jacket now; underneath he wore an ivory sweater. It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was.</p><p>He handed me the jacket, interrupting my ogling.</p><p>"Thanks," I said again, sliding my arms into his jacket. It was cold — the way my jacket felt when I first picked it up in the morning, hanging in the drafty hallway. I shivered again. It smelled amazing. I inhaled, trying to identify the delicious scent. It didn't smell like cologne. It was much too long; I shoved the sleeves back so I could free my hands.</p><p>"That colour blue looks lovely with your skin," he said, watching me. I was surprised; I looked down, flushing, of course. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ACT!!!</p><p>He pushed the bread basket toward me.</p><p>"Really, I'm not going into shock," I protested.</p><p>"You should be — a normal person would be. You don't even look shaken." He seemed unsettled. He stared into my eyes, and I saw how light his eyes were, lighter than I'd ever seen them, golden butterscotch.</p><p>"I feel very safe with you," I confessed wanting to be honest.</p><p>That displeased him; his alabaster brow furrowed. He shook his head, frowning.</p><p>"This is more complicated than I'd planned," he murmured to himself.</p><p>I picked up a breadstick and began nibbling on the end, measuring his expression. I wondered when it would be okay to start questioning him. He didn't have to like it was how I felt. What did he expect? He has gone out of his way to save me on several occasions. </p><p>"Usually you're in a better mood when your eyes are so light," I commented, trying to distract him from whatever thought had left him frowning and sombre.</p><p>He stared at me, stunned. "What?"</p><p>"You're always crabbier when your eyes are black — I expect it then," I went on. "I have a theory about that."</p><p>His eyes narrowed. "More theories?"</p><p>"Mm-hm." I chewed on a small bite of the bread, trying to look indifferent.</p><p>"I hope you were more creative this time... or are you still stealing from anime?" His faint smile was mocking; his eyes were still tight.</p><p>"Well, no, I just finally decided to.. well...think I guess," I confessed.</p><p>"And?" he prompted.</p><p>But then the waitress strode around the partition with my food. I realized we'd been unconsciously leaning toward each other across the table because we both straightened up as she approached, amazing, I had nearly even thought about my hunger. She set the dish in front of me — it looked pretty good — and turned quickly to Edward.</p><p>"Did you change your mind?" she asked. "Isn't there anything I can get you?" I may have been imagining the double meaning in her words. No, I wasn't, her fantasies were vivid and I found myself more pissed off than attracted to them. </p><p>"No, thank you, but some more soda would be nice." He gestured with a long white hand to the empty cups in front of me.</p><p>"Sure." She removed the empty glasses and walked away.</p><p>"You were saying?" he asked.</p><p>"I'll tell you about it in the car. If..." I paused.</p><p>"There are conditions?" He raised one eyebrow, his voice ominous.</p><p>"I do have a few questions, of course."</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>The waitress was back with two more Cokes. She sat them down without a word this time and left again.</p><p>I took a sip.</p><p>"Well, go ahead," he pushed, his voice still hard.</p><p>I started with the most undemanding. Or so I thought. "Why are you in Port Angeles?"</p><p>He looked down, folding his large hands together slowly on the table. His eyes flickered up at me from under his lashes, the hint of a smirk on his face.</p><p>"Next."</p><p>"But that's the easiest one," I objected.</p><p>"Next," he repeated.</p><p>I looked down, frustrated. I unrolled my silverware, picked up my fork, and carefully speared a ravioli.</p><p>I put it in my mouth slowly, still looking down, chewing while I thought. The mushrooms were good. I swallowed and took another sip of Coke before I looked up, contemplating. The food was good but it was like sitting in front of a five-course gourmet meal of food's that you have never tried before but you just knew they would be everything and more, and having to eat old dry crusty bread. </p><p>"Okay, then." I glared at him for the fact that he would not share and the fact that he made my ravioli taste bland and continued slowly. "Let's say, hypothetically, of course, that...someone... could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know — with a few exceptions."</p><p>"Just one exception," he corrected, "hypothetically."</p><p>"All right, with one exception, then." I was thrilled that he was playing along, but I tried to seem casual.</p><p>"How does that work? What are the limitations? How would... that someone... find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know he was in trouble?" I wondered if my convoluted questions even made sense.</p><p>"Hypothetically?" he asked.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>"Well, if... that someone..."</p><p>"Let's call him 'Joe,'" I suggested.</p><p>He smiled wryly. "Joe, then. If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be quite so exact." He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know."</p><p>"We were speaking of a hypothetical case," I reminded him frostily.</p><p>He laughed at me, his eyes warm.</p><p>"Yes, we were," he agreed. "Shall we call you 'John'?"</p><p>"How did you know?" I asked, unable to curb my intensity. I realized I was leaning toward him again. I knew, sitting in front of him I could sense it now, his aura twirling and swirling from his head to those around us, flickering curiously. I just needed him to say it, I needed him to assure me that I wasn't losing it. </p><p>He seemed to be wavering, torn by some internal dilemma. His eyes locked with mine, and I guessed he was making the decision right then whether or not to simply tell me the truth.</p><p>"You can trust me, you know," I murmured wanting more than anything for him to believe that, I wanted to trust him too. I reached forward, without thinking, to touch his folded hands, but he slid them away minutely, and I pulled my hand back. It was for the best, I shook my head, what was I thinking. Touching would be too much. </p><p>"I don't know if I have a choice anymore." His voice was almost a whisper. "I was wrong — you're much more observant than I gave you credit for."</p><p>"I thought you were always right."</p><p>"I used to be." He shook his head again. "I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You're not a magnet for accidents — that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you."</p><p>"And you put yourself into that category?" I guessed.</p><p>His face turned cold, expressionless. "Unequivocally."</p><p>I stretched my hand across the table again unable to help myself I wanted to comfort him, assure him— ignoring him when he pulled back slightly once more — to touch the back of his hand shyly with my fingertips. His skin was cold and hard, like a stone. I used every ounce of willpower I had to not move, to not flinch from the sharp burning pain to my insides, the rush of hunger. </p><p>"Thank you." My voice was fervent with gratitude, tight with pain. "That's twice now."</p><p>His face softened. "Let's not try for three, agreed?"</p><p>I scowled but nodded, maybe I felt off to him. Maybe he sensed that there was something wrong with me subconsciously, I tried not to show how much that thought bothered me. He moved his hand out from under mine, placing both of his under the table.</p><p>But he leaned toward me, contradicting my earlier thoughts, his aura was almost...... selfconscious?</p><p>"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."</p><p>He paused. I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead, I felt a strange surge of pleasure. He stared, maybe wondering why my lips were curving into an involuntary smile, I couldn't even bring myself to give out to myself this time. Me? He wanted to protect me?</p><p>"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up the first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?" I speculated, distracting myself, my number was up long before that.</p><p>"That wasn't the first time," he said, and his voice was hard to hear. I stared at him in amazement, but he was looking down. "Your number was up the first time I met you."</p><p>I felt a spasm of fear at his words, and the abrupt memory of his violent black glare that first day the hunger and pain I had endured, was that intensified by his desire? His desire for my.... blood... but the overwhelming sense of safety I felt in his presence stifled it. By the time he looked up to read my eyes, there was no trace of fear in them.</p><p>"You remember?" he asked his angel's face grave.</p><p>"Yes." I was calm not wanting to visit the pain of that horrible memory. But he was wrong. I have been playing with faith my whole life. </p><p>"And yet here you sit." There was a trace of disbelief in his voice; he raised one eyebrow.</p><p>"Yes, here I sit... because of you." I paused. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today... ?" I prompted.</p><p>He pressed his lips together, staring at me through narrowed eyes, deciding again. His eyes flashed down to my full plate, and then back to me.</p><p>"You eat, I'll talk," he bargained.</p><p>I quickly scooped up another ravioli and popped it in my mouth.</p><p>"It's harder than it should be — keeping track of you. Usually, I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before." He looked at me anxiously, and I realized I had frozen. I made myself swallow, then stabbed another ravioli and tossed it in. IM NOT INSANE!</p><p>"I was keeping tabs on Jessica, not carefully — like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles — and at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you were there and that you'd gone south... and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street — to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried... but I was strangely anxious..."</p><p>He was lost in thought, staring past me, seeing things I couldn't imagine.</p><p>"I started to drive in circles, still... listening. The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out and follow you on foot. And then —" He stopped, clenching his teeth together in sudden fury. He made an effort to calm himself.</p><p>"Then what?" I whispered. He continued to stare over my head.</p><p>"I heard what they were thinking," he growled, his upper lip curling slightly back over his teeth. "I saw your face in his mind." He suddenly leaned forward, one elbow appearing on the table, his hand covering his eyes. The movement was so swift it startled me.</p><p>"It was very... hard — you can't imagine how hard — for me to simply take you away, and leave them... alive." His voice was muffled by his arm. "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them," he admitted in a whisper.</p><p>I sat quietly, dazed, my thoughts incoherent. My hands were folded in my lap, and I was leaning weakly against the back of the seat. He still had his face in his hand, and he was as still as if he'd been carved from the stone his skin resembled.</p><p>Was it possible, that he held a fraction of the burden that I held? Seeing those men's sick fantasies and intentions. He could see them too. Granted not to the intensity of mine, and well he wasn't forced to be somewhat compelled by them but still.</p><p>Finally, he looked up, his eyes seeking mine, full of his own questions.</p><p>"Are you ready to go home?" he asked.</p><p>"I'm ready to leave," I qualified, overly grateful that we had the hour-long ride home together. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him.</p><p>The waitress appeared as if she'd been called. Or watching.</p><p>"How are we doing?" she asked Edward.</p><p>"We're ready for the check, thank you." His voice was quiet, rougher, still reflecting the strain of our conversation. It seemed to muddle her. He looked up, waiting.</p><p>"S-sure," she stuttered. "Here you go." She pulled a small leather folder from the front pocket of her black apron and handed it to him.</p><p>There was a bill in his hand already. He slipped it into the folder and handed it right back to her.</p><p>"No change." He smiled. Then he stood up, and I scrambled awkwardly to my feet.</p><p>She smiled invitingly at him again. "You have a nice evening."</p><p>He didn't look away from me as he thanked her. I suppressed a smile.</p><p>He walked close beside me to the door, still careful not to touch me. I remembered what Jessica had said about her relationship with Mike, how they were almost to the first-kiss stage. I sighed, wondering where I was going with this. I would never be able to do that with Edward, I could nearly touch his hand for fucks sake</p><p> Edward seemed to hear me sigh, and he looked down curiously. I looked at the sidewalk, grateful that he didn't seem to be able to know what I was thinking.</p><p>He opened the passenger door, holding it for me as I stepped in, shutting it softly behind me. I watched him walk around the front of the car, amazed, yet again, by how graceful he was. I probably should have been used to that by now — but I wasn't. I had a feeling Edward wasn't the kind of person anyone got used to.</p><p>Once inside the car, he started the engine and turned the heater on high. It had gotten very cold, and I guessed the good weather was at an end. I was warm in his jacket, though, breathing in the scent of it when I thought he couldn't see, I was definitely playing with fire. The close proximity in the car was just as bad as last week.</p><p>Edward pulled out through the traffic, apparently without a glance, flipping around to head toward the freeway.</p><p>"Now," he said significantly, "it's your turn."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Can I ask just one more?" I pleaded not quite ready for this as Edward accelerated much too quickly down the quiet street.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>"One," he agreed. His lips pressed together into a cautious line.</p><p>"Well… you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that."</p><p>He looked away, deliberating.</p><p>"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I grumbled.</p><p>He almost smiled.</p><p>"Fine, then. I followed your scent." He looked at the road, I suppose that did make sense. Your sense of smell would have to be pretty strong to smell blood. I guess there would not be another way to sense that food source. I can smell lust as well as feel it.</p><p>Not a good thing to focus on right now in a trapped car. And I was doing so well.</p><p>I wasn't ready to let him be finished, now that he was finally explaining things.</p><p>"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions…" I stalled.</p><p>He looked at me with disapproval. "Which one?"</p><p>"How does it work — the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family… ?" It felt both amazing to say it all out loud and terrifying, I had never spoken to just a random person about things like this. Danielle didn’t count. She knew everything before I told her.</p><p>"That's more than one," he pointed out. I simply intertwined my fingers and gazed at him, waiting. Not willing to destroy the moment with whatever might come out of my mouth.</p><p>"No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's… 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." He paused thoughtfully. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum — a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear. Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."</p><p>"Why do you think you can't hear me?" I asked curiously, maybe it was my mental barriers for stopping my energy reaching people.</p><p>He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.</p><p>"I don't know," he murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM." He grinned at me, suddenly amused.</p><p>"My mind doesn't work, right? I'm a freak?" The words bothered me more than they should — probably because it was true. I wonder could he hear Dads or Danielle’s.</p><p>"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed. "Don't worry, it's just a theory…" His face tightened. "Which brings us back to you."</p><p>I sighed. How to begin?</p><p>I was honestly terrified. I’d have to tell him about me. He would hate me. Was I selfish to want to hold onto this for a bit longer?</p><p>"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.</p><p>I looked away from his face for the first time, trying to find words. I happened to notice the speedometer.</p><p>"Holy crow!" I shouted. "Slow down!"</p><p>"What's wrong?" He was startled. But the car didn't decelerate.</p><p>"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" I was still shouting. I shot a panicky glance out the window, but it was too dark to see much. The road was only visible in the long patch of bluish brightness from the headlights. The forest along both sides of the road was like a black wall — as hard as a wall of steel if we veered off the road at this speed.</p><p>"Relax, Beau." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.</p><p>"Are you trying to kill us?" I demanded.</p><p>"We're not going to crash."</p><p>I tried to modulate my voice. "Why are you in such a hurry?"</p><p>"I always drive like this." He turned to smile crookedly at me.</p><p>"Keep your eyes on the road!"</p><p>"I've never been in an accident, Beau — I've never even gotten a ticket." He grinned and tapped his forehead. "Built-in radar detector."</p><p>"Very funny." I fumed. "Charlie's a cop, remember? I was raised to abide by traffic laws. Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away."</p><p>It would take me a few days to heal.</p><p>"Probably," he agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't." He sighed, and I watched with relief as the needle gradually drifted toward eighty. "Happy?"</p><p>"Almost."</p><p>"I hate driving slow," he muttered.</p><p>"This is slow?"</p><p>"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped. "I'm still waiting for your latest theory."</p><p>I bit my lip. He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.</p><p>"I won't laugh," he promised.</p><p>"I'm more afraid that you'll be angry with me." Hate me. Run, be afraid.</p><p>"Is it that bad?"</p><p>"Pretty much, yeah." Your ether going to run or use me.</p><p>He waited. I was looking down at my hands, so I couldn't see his expression.</p><p>"Go ahead." His voice was calm.</p><p>"I don't know how to start," I admitted.</p><p>"Why don't you start at the beginning… you said you didn't come up with this on your own."</p><p>"Well yes and no."</p><p>"What got you started — a book? A movie?" he probed.</p><p>"No. Well, it was the first time I saw you. I just… avoided… I couldn — it was Saturday, at the beach." I risked a glance up at his face. He looked puzzled. I couldn't get the words outright.</p><p>"We were all hanging out at the beach and I ran into an old family friend —Jacob Black," I continued. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby, so It had been a while since I had been back there…. To the tribe land."</p><p>He still looked confused.</p><p>"His dad is one of the Quileute elders." I watched him carefully. His confused expression froze in place.</p><p>"The area was always beautiful there. Full of “ risked a nervous glance at him “energy everywhere. I was in the forest and I saw….well.” I wasn’t making any sense. I changed direction ”After we went for a walk —" I edited all my scheming out of the story "— and he was telling me some old legends — trying to scare me, I think. He told me one… that basically .." I hesitated. That basically told denial to fuck right off.</p><p>"Go on," he said.</p><p>"About vampires." I realized I was whispering. I couldn't look at his face now. But I saw his knuckles tighten convulsively on the wheel.</p><p>"And you immediately thought of me?" Still calm.</p><p>"No… I was already" I blushed thinking about you….”Your family was in the story” I chickened out.</p><p>He was silent, staring at the road.</p><p>I was worried suddenly, worried about protecting Jacob.</p><p>"He just thought it was a silly superstition," I said quickly. "He didn't expect me to think anything of it."</p><p>I should have just told him I figured it out myself but-.</p><p>It didn't seem like enough; I had to confess. "It was my fault, I forced him to tell me."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Lauren said something about you — she was trying to provoke me. And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different. So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him," I admitted, hanging my head, feeling guilty even though I did not use my power.</p><p>He startled me by laughing. I glared up at him. He was laughing, but his eyes were fierce, staring ahead.</p><p>"Tricked him how?" he asked.</p><p>"I tried to flirt — it worked better than I thought it would." Disbelief coloured my tone as I remembered, though it shouldn’t be considering well, you know.</p><p>"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."</p><p>I blushed and looked out my window into the night.</p><p>"What did you do then?" he asked after a minute.</p><p>"I thought about it. Comparing you to..” Others I‘ve seen before “Mythology I guess"</p><p>"And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel.</p><p>"No. Nothing fit. Your completely different to things I’ve seen or read. And then…" I stopped.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.</p><p>"It didn't matter?" His tone made me look up — I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I'd feared.</p><p>"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are. Even if – It’s stupid to judge people by their….race? is that the word?" I of all people believed that.</p><p>A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human!"</p><p>"No." Monster. HE thought of himself as a monster. The fucking vegaterian vampire. What would he think of me then?</p><p>He was silent, staring straight ahead again. His face was bleak and cold.</p><p>"You're angry," I sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything."</p><p>"No," he said, but his tone was as hard as his face. "I'd rather know what you're thinking — even if what you're thinking is insane."</p><p>"So I'm insane?" I challenged.</p><p>"That's not what I ment. 'It doesn't matter'!" he quoted, gritting his teeth together.</p><p>"I'm right?" I gasped, shocked he was actually admitting it and the fact that's what he was most worried about.</p><p>"Does it matter?"</p><p>I took a deep breath.</p><p>"Not really." I paused. "But I am curious." My voice, at least, was composed.</p><p>I had so many questions! This was my first time talking to someone so similar to me. There was so much I wanted to say but I felt his relief as if a weight was lifted off of his chest and I decided that this conversation was not about me. This was his time. </p><p>He was suddenly resigned. "What are you curious about?"</p><p>"How old are you?"</p><p>"Seventeen," he answered promptly.</p><p>"And how long have you been seventeen?"</p><p>His lips twitched as he stared at the road. "A while," he admitted at last. Wow he had to be older than me, I could feel it.</p><p>"Okay." I smiled, pleased that he was still being honest with me. He stared down at me with watchful eyes, much as he had before, when he was worried I would go into shock. I smiled wider in encouragement, and he frowned.</p><p>"Don't laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?" A vampire I had met in the land of dreams could not go into daylight or his skin would begin to burn, not like in the movies where they exploded into dust but like really bad sunburn and eventually almost like fire furns. But edward wasn't like him. </p><p>He laughed anyway. "Myth."</p><p>"Burned by the sun?"</p><p>"Myth." Interesting. </p><p>"Sleeping in coffins?"</p><p>"Myth." He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. "I can't sleep."</p><p>It took me a minute to absorb that. "At all?" did all supernatural creatures not sleep or just the "Monsters" The only reason I had to sleep was to feed or if I needed to recharge f I was really hungry, that was more like a deep meditation rather than actual REM tough. </p><p>"Never," he said, his voice nearly inaudible. </p><p>Like me. But I met vampires that could. They summoned me to their dreams.</p><p>"You haven't asked me the most important question yet." His voice was hard now, and when he looked at me again his eyes were cold.</p><p>I blinked, still dazed not able to truly comprehend that this was happening. "Which one is that?"</p><p>"You aren't concerned about my diet?" he asked sarcastically.</p><p>"Oh," I murmured, "that."</p><p>"Yes, that." His voice was bleak. "Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"</p><p>His tone was self depravating and suddenly I wanted to tell him everything. To show him he wasn’t alone. That I was the last person that was going to judge him. But this was his moment to get everything out in the open. I didn’t want to make it about me. That and I was still kind of being a chicken shit, trying to drag out these mements while they lasted. </p><p>"Well, Jacob said something about that."</p><p>"What did Jacob say?" he asked flatly.</p><p>"He said you didn't… hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."</p><p>Was it wrong that that’s what worried me. He was a saint. Feeding off animals would he disapprove of me? Its not like I could just turn to bestiality.</p><p>"He said we weren't dangerous?" His voice was deeply sceptical.</p><p>"Not exactly. He said you weren't supposed to be dangerous. But the Quileute’s still didn't want you on their land, just in case."</p><p>He looked forward, but I couldn't tell if he was watching the road or not.</p><p>"So was he right? About not hunting people?" I tried to keep my voice as even as possible.</p><p>"The Quileutes have a long memory," he whispered.</p><p>I took it as a confirmation. I wanted to avoid this topic, the longer it went on the guiltier I felt. </p><p>"Don't let that make you complacent, though," he warned me. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."</p><p>"I don't understand." Their control seemed …. Otherworldly.</p><p>"We try," he explained slowly. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."</p><p>"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.</p><p>"A very dangerous one," he murmured.</p><p>We were both silent then. It was, I could feel his energy flickering around my body like hell fire. I understood, If anyone could understand it was me. It was dangerous for me to be here too. </p><p>I watched the headlights twist with the curves of the road. They moved too fast; it didn't look real, it looked like a video game. I was aware of the time slipping away so quickly, like the black road beneath us, and I was hideously afraid that I would never have another chance to be with him like this again — openly, the walls between us gone for once. His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him. He could come to hate me and want me dead by the end of the week.</p><p>"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.</p><p>He looked at me quickly, startled by the change in my tone. "What more do you want to know?"</p><p>"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me. The feeling was so strong and unexpected I didn't know what to do with it. </p><p>"I don't want to be a monster." His voice was very low.</p><p>"But animals aren't enough?" They couldn't be.</p><p>He paused. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger — or rather thirst. But it keens us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." His tone turned ominous. "Sometimes it's more difficult than others."</p><p>"Is it very difficult for you now?" I asked.</p><p>He sighed. "Yes."</p><p>"But you're not hungry now," I said confidently — stating, not asking. I would feel it. </p><p>"Why do you think that?"</p><p>"Your eyes. I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people — men in particular — are crabbier when they're hungry." Plus I realised that when he was hungry it made my hunger for him worse.</p><p>He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"</p><p>I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.</p><p>"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" I asked when it was quiet again.</p><p>"Yes." He paused for a second, as if deciding whether or not to say something. "I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."</p><p>"Why didn't you want to leave?" My heart was racng.</p><p>"It makes me… anxious… to be away from you." His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft. "I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you. And after what happened tonight, I'm surprised that you did make it through a whole weekend unscathed." He shook his head, and then seemed to remember something. "Well, not totally unscathed."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Your hands," he reminded me. I looked down at my palms, at the almost-healed scrapes across the heels of my hands. His eyes missed nothing.</p><p>"I fell," I sighed.</p><p>"That's what I thought." His lips curved up at the corners. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse — and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." He smiled ruefully at me.</p><p>"Three days? Didn't you just get back today?"</p><p>"No, we got back Sunday."</p><p>"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.</p><p>"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't. But I can't go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I'll show you sometime," he promised.</p><p>I thought about it for a moment.</p><p>"You might have called me," I blurted cringing afterwards at the desperation in my voice.</p><p>He was puzzled. "But I knew you were safe."</p><p>"But I didn't know where you were. I —" I hesitated, dropping my eyes.</p><p>"What?" His velvety voice was compelling.</p><p>"I didn't like it. Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too." I blushed to be saying this out loud. Stupid. He was better far away. </p><p>Stupid.</p><p>How was that fair though? He got to spy on me but-. But then I guess I have been using some of my extra sences too.</p><p>He was quiet. I glanced up, apprehensive, and saw that his expression was pained.</p><p>"Ah," he groaned quietly. "This is wrong."</p><p>I couldn't understand his response. "What did I say?"</p><p>"Don't you see, Beau? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved." He turned his anguished eyes to the road, his words flowing almost too fast for me to understand. "I don't want to hear that you feel that way." His voice was low but urgent. His words cut me. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Beau — please, grasp that."</p><p>"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child. I should just tell him, he didn't understand.</p><p>"I'm serious," he growled.</p><p>"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter to me what you are. It's too late."</p><p>His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."</p><p>I bit my lip and was glad he couldn't know how much that hurt. I stared out at the road. We must be close now. He was driving much too fast.</p><p>I shouldn’t be upset by his words. He didn’t know, I wanted to tell him but what if he hates me. What if he realises that I am the monster here. He’ll be the one running. He didn't seem like the type to use me but then again I've been wrong before.</p><p>"What are you thinking?" he asked, his voice still raw. I just shook my head, not sure if I could speak.</p><p>I could feel his gaze on my face, but I kept my eyes forward.</p><p>"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled. I hadn't realized the moisture in my eyes had brimmed over. I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me. How embarrassing.</p><p>"No," I said, but my voice cracked.</p><p>I saw him reach toward me hesitantly with his right hand, but then he stopped and placed it slowly back on the steering wheel.</p><p>"I'm sorry." His voice burned with regret. I knew he wasn't just apologizing for the words that had upset me, I wanted to tell him so badly that it wasn’t that, I wanted to tell him the truth.</p><p>The darkness slipped by us in silence.</p><p>"Tell me something," he asked after another minute, and I could hear him struggle to use a lighter tone.</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression — you didn't look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something."</p><p>"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker — you know, self-defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain." I thought of the dark-haired man with a surge of hate.</p><p>"You were going to fight them?" This upset him. "Didn't you think about running?"</p><p>"I fall down a lot when I run," I admitted.</p><p>"What about screaming for help?"</p><p>"I was getting to that part."</p><p>He shook his head. "You were right — I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."</p><p>I sighed. We were slowing, passing into the boundaries of Forks. It had taken less than twenty minutes.</p><p>"Will I see you tomorrow?" I all but demanded.</p><p>"Yes — I have a paper due, too." He smiled. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."</p><p>It was silly, after everything we'd been through tonight, how that little promise sent flutters through my stomach, and made me unable to speak.</p><p>We were in front of Charlie's house. The lights were on, my truck in its place, everything utterly normal. It was like waking from a dream. He stopped the car, but I didn't move.</p><p>"Do you promise to be there tomorrow?"</p><p>"I promise."</p><p>I considered that for a moment, then nodded. I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.</p><p>"You can keep it — you don't have a jacket for tomorrow," he reminded me.</p><p>I handed it back to him. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie."</p><p>"Oh, right." He grinned.</p><p>I hesitated, my hand on the door handle, trying to prolong the moment.</p><p>"Beau?" he asked in a different tone — serious, but hesitant.</p><p>"Yes?" I turned back to him too eagerly.</p><p>He paused and seemed to stop himself from saying something.</p><p>"I'll see you tomorrow," he sighed, and I knew he wanted me to leave now.</p><p>"Tomorrow, then." I opened the door unwillingly.</p><p>'"Beau?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.</p><p>"Sleep well," he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me. It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form. I blinked, thoroughly dazed. The fire intensifying.</p><p>I was unable to move until my brain had somewhat unscrambled itself. Then I stepped out of the car awkwardly, having to use the frame for support the hell fire roaring to life. I thought I heard him chuckle, but the sound was too quiet for me to be certain.</p><p>I all but lept from the car. I turned to watch the silver car disappear around the corner. I realized it was very cold.</p><p>I reached for the key mechanically, unlocked the door, and stepped inside.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was very hard, in the morning after watching hours of Akuma no Riddle, to argue with the part of me that was sure I imagined last night. It felt too good to be true, I finally had someone to connect to, someone to be myself with. But I wasn’t really being myself was I. I could be if I just got over my stupid fear but how could I? I only just joined back reality, anyone in my entire life that I tried to confide in was either happy because they got a free sex toy or disgusted by me. What would Edwards reaction be? I wanted so bad for him to understand, to be okay with it like some crappy movie but how could he be? Edward was good. He denied his entire existence not to harm people, how would he react when he found out not only was I a fucking murderer, but I was tainted and used. </p><p>My heart was pounding loudly in my chest. And my body was shaking with the stress. I wanted to be here and normal so badly. What would I even do if life here didn’t work out? <br/>He was watching me last night I know he was. I haven’t been feeding lately so I finally broke last night and decided to have a walk around town, like some kind of freak peeping tom feeding on the energy of the couples enjoying themselves in their homes as I walked past feeding on their lust and taking energy from them. I could feel Edward some way behind me, far enough to where I didn’t lose control and beg him to take me but close enough to feel his curiosity and confusion. <br/>For some stupid reason I was avoiding feeding, I kept thinking about Edward and what he would think of me. I knew it was stupid. More dangerous but I really didn’t have a reason, I was being selfish. But the walk calmed me, held me over for another while, It wasn’t quite the same as the real thing or having the lust directed at me but it was enough for now. I wondered if this is what Edward felt like being a “Vegetarian”.</p><p>It was foggy and dark outside my window, absolutely perfect. He had no reason not to be in school today, ugh I was insane. I was terrified to see him but I also knew I would be more upset f I didn’t. I dressed in my heavy clothes, remembering I didn't have a jacket. Further proof that my memory was real.<br/>When I got downstairs, Charlie was gone again — I was running later than I'd realized. I swallowed a granola bar in three bites, chased it down with milk straight from the carton it did nothing for my nerves, and then hurried out the door. Hopefully, the rain would hold off until I could find Jessica.</p><p>It was unusually foggy; the air was almost smoky with it. The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck. It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver fucking volvo.</p><p>My heart thudded, stuttered, and then picked up again in double time.</p><p>He moved like he was floating, faster than I'm sure the human eye could see, pulling the door open for me.</p><p>"Do you want to ride with me today?" he asked, amused by my expression as he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope. I knew even with my stomach in my throat I would be getting into that car, drowning myself in the flames. </p><p>"Yes, thank you," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. As I stepped into the warm car, I noticed his tan jacket was slung over the headrest of the passenger seat. The door closed behind me, and again, faster than the human eye could see he was sitting next to me, starting the car.</p><p>"I brought the jacket for you. I didn't want you to get sick or something." His voice was guarded. I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light grey knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.</p><p>"I'm not quite that delicate," I said, but I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better, I was insane.</p><p>"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear. Again the guilt attacked. I should tell him.</p><p>We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward. I was, at least. Last night all the walls were down… almost all. I didn't know if we were still being as candid today. It left me tongue-tied. I waited for him to speak.</p><p>He turned to smirk at me. "What, no twenty questions today?"</p><p>"Do my questions bother you?" I asked, relieved.</p><p>"Not as much as your reactions do." He looked like he was joking, but I couldn't be sure.</p><p>I frowned. "Do I react badly?"</p><p>"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."</p><p>"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."</p><p>"You edit," he accused.</p><p>"Not very much."</p><p>"Enough to drive me insane."</p><p>"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it. It was wrong to keep this from him, when he was so open with me, I wanted to tell him. Maybe I could write him a letter. </p><p>He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood. His face was unreadable as we drove into the school parking lot. Something occurred to me belatedly.</p><p>"Where's the rest of your family?" I asked — more than glad to be alone with him, but remembering that his car was usually full.</p><p>"They took Rosalie's car." He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up.</p><p>"Ostentatious, isn't it?"</p><p>"Um, wow," I breathed. "If she has that, why does she ride with you?"</p><p>"As I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."</p><p>"You don't succeed." I laughed and shook my head as we got out of the car. I wasn't late anymore; his lunatic driving had gotten me to school in plenty of time. "So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?"</p><p>"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now." He met me at the front of the car, staying very close to my side as we walked onto campus. I wanted to close that little distance, to reach out and touch him, but I shook the feeling off, it was bad enough I wasn’t feeding properly. I felt the guilt claw at me again I scratched my neck nervously, was he fighting with his family because of me? I guess telling your deepest secrets to what they considered a human was a big no no. </p><p>"Why do you have cars like that at all?" I wondered aloud, trying not to think about it. "If you're looking for privacy?"</p><p>"An indulgence," he admitted with an impish smile. "We all like to drive fast."</p><p>"Figures," I muttered under my breath.</p><p>Under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang, Jessica was waiting, her eyes about to bug out of their sockets. Over her arm, bless her, was my jacket.</p><p>"Hey, Jessica," I said when we were a few feet away. "Thanks for remembering." She handed me my jacket without speaking.</p><p>"Good morning, Jessica," Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible.</p><p>Or what his eyes were capable of.</p><p>"Er… hi." She shifted her wide eyes to me, trying to gather her jumbled thoughts. "I guess I'll see you in Trig." She gave me a meaningful look, and I suppressed a sigh. What on earth was I going to tell her?</p><p>"Yeah, I'll see you then."</p><p>She walked away, pausing twice to peek back over her shoulder at us.</p><p>"What are you going to tell her?" Edward murmured.</p><p>"Hey, I thought you couldn't read my mind!" I teased.</p><p>"I can't," he said, startled. Then understanding brightened his eyes. "However, I can read hers — she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."</p><p>I groaned as I pulled off his jacket and handed it to him, replacing it with my own. He folded it over his arm.</p><p>"So what are you going to tell her?"</p><p>"A little help?" I pleaded. "What does she want to know?"</p><p>He shook his head, grinning wickedly. "That's not fair."</p><p>"No, you not sharing what you know — now that's not fair." I pouted up at him.</p><p>He deliberated for a moment staring at my lips as we walked, the flames grew hotter. We stopped outside the door to my first class.</p><p>"She wants to know if we're secretly dating. And she wants to know how you feel about me," he finally said.</p><p>Holey shit fuck "Yikes. What should I say?" I tried to keep my expression very innocent. People were passing us on their way to class, probably staring, but I was barely aware of them. What was happening? This situation was all kinds of….just Fucking crazy. </p><p>"Hmmm." He paused to catch a stray lock of hair that was escaping the twist on my neck and wound it back into place. My heart spluttered hyperactively. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. His fingers did not even touch my skin and my knees felt weak I shakily reached to my pocket for a sugar-sweet and tried to be as nonchalant as physically possible  "I suppose you could say yes to the first… if you don't mind — it's easier than any other explanation."<br/>Yeah, easier. Though what was the real explanation my brain failed to come up with a non fucked up answer. </p><p>"I don't mind," I said in a faint voice.</p><p>"And as for her other question… well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself." One side of his mouth pulled up into my favourite uneven smile. I couldn't catch my breath soon enough to respond to that remark. He turned and walked away.</p><p>"I'll see you at lunch," he called over his shoulder. Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.</p><p>I hurried into class, flushed and irritated. He was such a cheater. Now I was even more worried about what I was going to say to Jessica. I sat in my usual seat, slamming my bag down in aggravation.</p><p>"Morning, Beau," Mike said from the seat next to me. I looked up to see an odd, almost resigned look on his face. "How was Port Angeles?"</p><p>"It was…" There was no honest way to sum it up. "Great," I finished lamely. "Jessica got a really cute dress."</p><p>"Did she say anything about Monday night?" he asked, his eyes brightening. I smiled at the turn the conversation had taken.</p><p>"She said she had a really good time," I assured him.</p><p>"She did?" he said eagerly.</p><p>"Most definitely." Though I doubt Jessica really knew what she wanted. Both of their fantasies were more concerned with vanity and greed. Sex was a big part of it too. Everyone seemed to be in such a rush to lose their virginity around here. I didn’t see the appeal. </p><p>Mr Mason called the class to order then, asking us to turn in our papers. English and then Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it wasn't saving my life.</p><p>It made me wonder if he was serious. If that would be a goal of his, for us to be boyfriends? I thought of what Jessica spoke of on her date and how other couples I saw acting around the school behaved, and I frowned. I wouldn’t be able to give him that. What he deserved. I wish, oh god how I wish but I would kill him. I never had sex with someone in real life and not killed them, but then Edward wasn’t really alive was he. I shook my head trying to be rid of the temptation. He touched my fucking hair and I almost collapsed. No way. Plus what even was the point entertaining the thought, if by some miracle Edward accepted what I was he would be disgusted when he found out the things I had done. <br/>I tried to focus back on the class to distract myself before I decided to do something stupid like cry. </p><p>The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low, oppressing clouds. My stomach was in knots.</p><p>Edward was right, of course. When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly bouncing off her seat in agitation. I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.</p><p>"Tell me everything!" she commanded before I was in the seat.</p><p>"What do you want to know?" I hedged.</p><p>"What happened last night?"</p><p>"He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home." Simple, to the point. None of your business in the nicest way possible. </p><p>She glared at me, her expression stiff with scepticism. "How did you get home so fast?"</p><p>"He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying." I hoped he heard that.</p><p>"Was it like a date — did you tell him to meet you there?"</p><p>I hadn't thought of that. "No — I was very surprised to see him there." </p><p>Her lips puckered in disappointment at the transparent honesty in my voice.</p><p>"But he picked you up for school today?" she probed.</p><p>"Yes — that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn't have a jacket last night," I explained.</p><p>"So are you going out again?"</p><p>"He offered to drive me to-“ I stopped myself before giving away my lie “ the airport Saturday because he thinks my truck isn't up to it — does that count?"</p><p>"Yes." She nodded.</p><p>"Well, then, yes."</p><p>"W-o-w." She exaggerated the word into three syllables. "Edward Cullen."</p><p>"Yeah," I agreed awkward as fuck.</p><p>“Of course he's gay” I tried really really really hard not to roll my eyes.  </p><p>"Wait!" Her hands flew up, palms toward me like she was stopping traffic. "Has he kissed you?"</p><p>"No," I mumbled. "It's not like that."</p><p>She looked disappointed. I'm sure I did, too. </p><p>I also couldn’t help myself imagining it, which of course I had to pop another sugar sweet. </p><p>"Do you think Saturday… ?" She raised her eyebrows.</p><p>"I really doubt it." The discontent in my voice was poorly disguised, why couldn’t I just be normal.</p><p>"What did you talk about?" She pushed for more information in a whisper. The class had started but Mr Varner wasn't paying close attention and we weren't the only ones still talking.</p><p>"I don't know, Jess, lots of stuff," I whispered back, why was she asking such weird questions. "We talked about the English essay a little." A very, very little. I think he mentioned it in passing.</p><p>"Please, Beau," she begged. "Give me some details."</p><p>"Well… okay, I've got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him — it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all." Let him make what he could of that.</p><p>"That's a good sign," she nodded. "Was she pretty?"</p><p>"Very — and probably nineteen or twenty."</p><p>"Even better. He must like you. Or well he might be a full-fledged gay"</p><p>What the fuck was a full-fledged gay. </p><p>"I think so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic," I threw in for his benefit, sighing. Ignoring the part I didn’t understand.</p><p>"I don't know how you're brave enough to be alone with him," she breathed.</p><p>"Why?" I was shocked, but she didn't understand my reaction.</p><p>"He's so… intimidating. I wouldn't know what to say to him." She made a face, probably remembering this morning or last night when he'd turned the overwhelming force of his eyes on her.</p><p>"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.</p><p>"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it did.</p><p>"There's a lot more to him than that." I blurted in anger, how could someone think about something like that. Looks were deceiving. I’ve met many inhuman beautiful people, that didn't excuse their shitty personality. </p><p>"Really? Like what?"</p><p>I wished I had let it go. Almost as much as I was hoping he'd been kidding about listening in.</p><p>"I can't explain it right… but he's even more unbelievable behind the face." The vampire who wanted to be good — who ran around saving people's lives so he wouldn't be a monster… I started toward the front of the room. The turning in my stomach back, I began to scratch my arm.</p><p>"Is that possible?" She giggled.</p><p>I ignored her, trying to look like I was paying attention to Mr Varner.</p><p>"So you like him, then?" She wasn't about to give up.</p><p>"Yes," I said curtly.</p><p>"I mean, do you really like him?" she urged.</p><p>"Yes," I said again, blushing. I hoped that detail wouldn't register in her thoughts.</p><p>She'd had enough with the single syllable answers like she thought I was stupid. "How much do you like him?"</p><p>"Too much," I whispered back. It was dangerous, I should have stayed away. And because of my stupid selfishness. I'm putting him in danger. </p><p>Then, thankfully, Mr Varner called on Jessica for an answer.</p><p>She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.</p><p>"In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night," I told her.</p><p>"You're kidding! What did you say?!" she gasped, completely side-tracked.</p><p>"I told him you said you had a lot of fun — he looked pleased."</p><p>"Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!"</p><p>We spent the rest of the walk dissecting sentence structures and most of Spanish on a minute description of Mike's facial expressions, what fresh hell was I in. I wouldn't have helped draw it out for as long as I did if I wasn't worried about the subject returning to me.</p><p>And then the bell rang for lunch. As I jumped up out of my seat, shoving my books roughly in my bag, my uplifted expression must have tipped Jessica off, it was embarrassing really.</p><p>"You're not sitting with us today, are you?" she guessed.</p><p>"I don't think so." I couldn't be sure that he wouldn't disappear inconveniently again.<br/>But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me. Jessica took one look, rolled her eyes, and departed.</p><p>"See you later, Beau." Her voice was thick with implications. I might have to turn off the ringer on the phone. I was not enjoying this part of the real world.</p><p>"Hello." His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>I couldn't think of anything else to say, and he didn't speak — biding his time, I presumed — so it was a quiet walk to the cafeteria. Walking with Edward through the crowded lunchtime rush was a lot like my first day here; everyone stared. I could feel the staring of his family as well and it drew a new kind of guilt. I not only had to worry about Edward but them as well. Deep breaths, calm.  My heart was pounding though, I guess Edward heard but only glanced my way curiously. </p><p>He led the way into the line, still not speaking, though his eyes returned to my face every few seconds, their expression speculative. It seemed to me that irritation was winning out over amusement as the dominant emotion in his face. I fidgeted nervously with the zipper on my jacket.</p><p>He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.</p><p>"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"</p><p>He shook his head, stepping forward to buy the food.</p><p>"Half is for me, of course."</p><p>I raised one eyebrow.</p><p>He led the way to the same place we'd sat that one time before. From the other end of the long table, a group of seniors gazed at us in amazement as we sat across from each other. Edward seemed oblivious. I felt a whole canteen of judgement, expectation and curiosity on my back. I did not want to be here. <br/>I have been so wrapped up in Edward I didn’t think of the social implications of humans. Two men together in a town as small as this. I could feel some judgemental stares but not as many as I thought surprisingly. A surprising amount was oblivious, two men sitting together, friends obviously. </p><p>"Take whatever you want," he said, pushing the tray toward me.</p><p>"I'm curious," I said as I picked up an apple, turning it around in my hands, "what would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" I had never seen him eat, I could eat.</p><p>"You're always curious." He grimaced, shaking his head. He glared at me, holding my eyes as he lifted the slice of pizza off the tray, and deliberately bit off a mouthful, chewed quickly, and then swallowed. I watched; eyes wide. The discomfort in his aura visible. </p><p>"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" he asked condescendingly.</p><p>I wrinkled my nose. "I did once," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad." That’s actually a fetish, not one of the worst ones I've encountered. </p><p>He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised." Something over my shoulder seemed to catch his attention.</p><p>"Jessica's analyzing everything I do — she'll break it down for you later." He pushed the rest of the pizza toward me. The mention of Jessica brought a hint of his former irritation back to his features.</p><p>I put down the apple and took a bite of the pizza when it was already in my mouth a stupid thought almost screamed at me ‘indirect kiss’ SHUT UP STUPID NOT NOW, looking up at him eyebrow raised blush slowly spreading “Smooth” I muttered.</p><p>"So the waitress was pretty, was she?" he asked casually.</p><p>"You really didn't notice?" Ew Ew Ew we weren’t having this conversation. My awkwardness was taking over and I was bout ready to bolt away from today and all its stress. </p><p>"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind."</p><p>"Poor girl." I could afford to be generous now. I needed a distraction, the glares and judgement that were zoning in on us from his family in waves, it was so uncomfortable. It seems they didn’t know that I knew. Well, they do know, and the guilt from earlier came back tenfold. His family was mad at him because of me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. </p><p>Edward must have heard it too because his eyes flickered to the side and back and his eye twitched ever so slightly. This wasn’t fair on him. <br/>Plus wasn’t it just better for everyone if I was honest. If I even just wanted to be friends with Edward, hasn't every movie ever created proved that lies fuck everything up. If you were just honest in the first place ye can fight together instead of against? Plus if things turned to shit I could just kill myself. I shook my head riding the morbid thought, no I wouldn’t return to that way of thinking, I finally have freedom. If all goes to shit I can make a spell make them forget or just run away to feking Ireland or somewhere. I’d bring Dad with me, he wouldn’t mind, I think or just keep in contact. Burner phone or something. </p><p>“Beau?” Edwards's voice snapped me from my thoughts. </p><p>“Do you have fangs?” I verbally vomited amidst my stress. Distraction, Hinting maybe? I don’t know what I was doing. </p><p>Confusion crossed his features and when he opened his mouth I saw them myself. I don’t know why I never really looked before. They were smaller than I thought though, not bigger than mine, though he wouldn’t be able to see while I was wearing my charms. Maybe I should just take them off and let him see for himself, draw his own conclusion. </p><p>“Yes, though not the retractable ones you see on tv” he smirked. </p><p>Hmmm. I met a vampire with retractable fangs before. I bit into my apple grimacing at the sympathetic throb in mine, fuck that was like walking around with blue balls. My hand subconsciously went to the practically invisible scars on my neck. Maybe I didn’t have to be so guilty he wouldn’t have told me his secret if I had not figured it out. Was he ever going to tell me? No that wasn’t fair, he has a family to protect.</p><p>“I’m sorry?” he asked and when I looked up his eyes were zeroed in on the scars on my neck. I guess not invisible for a vampire. Shit, I must have said that out loud. </p><p>“Yeah, Kiddo your not doing too hot there” Sophie put in her two words I shot her a dirty look stupidly for enjoying my struggle, the dead are so fucking smug. I could see a few enjoying this catastrophe. Edward looked even more concerned. </p><p>“Huh?” I replied stupidly.</p><p>“You were…bit-“ he couldn’t seem to get the words out. </p><p>“No… well yes. She wasn’t like you though. Not that that’s bad!” </p><p>“I don’t understand. Where? How did you even-” his families whole ass attention was on us. I could feel the panic creeping up my neck.</p><p>”Russia. She wasn’t like you, though I’m pretty sure I met some like you though they had red eyes. She was just lonely, you know an elegant woman stuck in the time of 600 years ago, went a bit crazy and commit suicide, she's at peace now though” So the verbal vomit continued tenfold, the information spewing out before my brain could even register. </p><p>Edward looked like he was going to call a psychiatric facility any second now. “Sorry, I'm panicking, Your family is …worried.”</p><p>“Oh?” I don’t think he had any words. He was clearly rethinking everything. </p><p>“Just, yah know about me knowing. They don’t need to be. I know that easier said than done so if I somehow lose my mind and do you can just pull the crazy card, seriously nobody would believe me. I was in the nuthouse for the past too many years so like yah know its okay. I give you full permission to use the crazy card” it seemed that I was having a panic attack. Just fucking great. </p><p>His hand resting over mine on the table told panic to fuck the hell off. It was the first time he touched me properly, I looked at his hand and I felt fire, pure fucking fire from the back of my hand travelling its way up my body. My eyes fluttered and I slumped forward slightly, oh god. My whole body was tingling, and my breath hitched. I never felt anything like it. It was warm so fucking warm but hot at the same time, passionate yet caring. The concern, the depth of how much he cared for me caught me off guard. He was ignoring the desire. He was fighting his own hunger. Everything all for me. I tried not to cry. Why would someone like him do this for me? I was…disgusting. How could he even? </p><p>He pulled his hand away after a second, self-disgust filling his energy. I ignored the pain of denying his touch and felt myself care for this man sitting in front of me. Wanting to comfort him in turn. <br/>“No.” I said lowly not wanting his family to hear even though I knew that they could but I wanted this just for him “Trust me. I wish your touch disgusted me. It would solve a lot of problems”</p><p>He looked into my eyes shocked and I sighed resigned. He deserved to hear this. I stood up grabbing my bag and indicated with my head for him to follow. He did have to look up at me much I was actually closer to his height while he was sitting down then when he was standing up. </p><p>He didn’t move though looking up at me as if I had ten heads. I smiled shyly and instead of grabbing his hand and torturing myself I grabbed the end of his sleeve and tugged a little smiling “Come on. Were ditching”</p><p>I don’t think Edward was with me right now. He allowed me to drag him out of the canteen, Almost everyone staring at us in shock and too his car. </p><p>We stood at the car and he just looked at me. I squirmed uncomfortably. The more he looked at me the more annoyed I got so, of course, my hands found their way to my hips and stamped my foot. “well are we just going to stand here all day?”</p><p>He looked down at me his lips curving up into a smile before he nodded and opened the door for me I blushed. </p><p>The drive was silent. Questions filled the air. </p><p>“Are you okay?” was the first one he got out. </p><p>“Yeah. Kind of. I just feel bad”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You’ve been so honest with me. And I- Well I’m afraid”</p><p>“Of me?”</p><p>I laughed “No” </p><p>“I … When I first met you. I thought you could already tell. Most…otherworldly people can. I thought you were disgusted by me, most are. I was so afraid. I finally found my freedom and I fucked up on the first day. But you disappeared and I thought you were going to kill me, or I don’t know, call some religious organisation or hunters or-. But then the other day I realised that you thought I was human!” I shook my head in disbelief “That you were worried that would find out about you! I didn’t even think about that”</p><p>“Then I started to panic. You don’t know so all this time-. You're going to hate me now. I know it” I hiccuped the tears finally beginning to flow I rubbed the sleeves of my oversized hoodie against my eyes willing it to stop. </p><p>His hand was on my shoulder. I could feel it even before he touched me and again I was overcome with fire and it made me cry harder. I couldn’t even be normal and accept a comforting touch. The concern in his aura calmed me. The determination to make me feel better. His pain as if my pain hurt him “Please Beau. You can tell me anything. I won't hate you I sware” </p><p>I finally looked up at him his eyes sincere. I hoped it would last. I wiped my running nose and tears on my sleeve and grimaced before looking out the window. I had no clue where we were at some dead-end in a forest. I sent out a small pulse of energy satisfied that there was nobody else around. </p><p>“I'm…..I’m an Incubus Edward”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>